Room 101

[Lard Bazaar 3,799]

Self-righteous non-smokers who work in my building.

 

Now, of course, I respect people's right not to smoke. Filthy, smelly, disgusting habit. But it's a filthy, smelly, disgusting habit that I happen to enjoy.

 

A select group of people where I work has decided to complain that those people that go out of the work grounds to smoke in their break are tarnishing the reputation of our company. Apparently, it gives the impression that we are getting paid to do nothing.

 

Now, I'm entitled to a paid break. Whether I spend that break in my works kitchen having a cup of tea, on the works bog having a sh*t, outside the works grounds smoking a fag, or in fact running down the main road with my pants on my head shouting 'Magnus Pike is Allah', is my business, and nobody else's. And we are forced to stand on the road outside, because we are not allowed to smoke in work grounds, and I'm not even allowed to smoke in my car, even though it's parked in the car park which is at least two hundred yards away from the main building and has a f*****g railway line in between it and the office. And I always extinguish my fag fully before throwing the fag-end in the bin, I don't leave it on the path (mostly).

 

So, you non-smelly-breathed, lung-cancer-free, lentil-eating, raffia-knitting, poncho-wearing, hippy twats - shut the f**k up and let me smoke. I have to put up with the smell of your fruit-based hot leaf drinks, so you can put up with the smell of smokey death.

[Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,219]

Self-righteous non-smokers who work in my building.

 

Now, of course, I respect people's right not to smoke. Filthy, smelly, disgusting habit. But it's a filthy, smelly, disgusting habit that I happen to enjoy.

 

A select group of people where I work has decided to complain that those people that go out of the work grounds to smoke in their break are tarnishing the reputation of our company. Apparently, it gives the impression that we are getting paid to do nothing.

 

Now, I'm entitled to a paid break. Whether I spend that break in my works kitchen having a cup of tea, on the works bog having a sh*t, outside the works grounds smoking a fag, or in fact running down the main road with my pants on my head shouting 'Magnus Pike is Allah', is my business, and nobody else's. And we are forced to stand on the road outside, because we are not allowed to smoke in work grounds, and I'm not even allowed to smoke in my car, even though it's parked in the car park which is at least two hundred yards away from the main building and has a f*****g railway line in between it and the office. And I always extinguish my fag fully before throwing the fag-end in the bin, I don't leave it on the path (mostly).

 

So, you non-smelly-breathed, lung-cancer-free, lentil-eating, raffia-knitting, poncho-wearing, hippy twats - shut the f**k up and let me smoke. I have to put up with the smell of your fruit-based hot leaf drinks, so you can put up with the smell of smokey death.

Go and have a ciggy and calm yourself down.

[Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,219]

PCSOs, you know those flange ends who were not good enough to become proper Police Officers or Security Staff so became chocolate f*****g teapots with blue bands around their hats.

What kind of a waste are they? They are either young girls who have all the authority of a wet fart or fat men, too spotty and unfit to be taken seriously by the community scrotes.

They really do put the "Great" into Britain, the cock knockers.

[Lard Bazaar 3,799]

PCSOs, you know those flange ends who were not good enough to become proper Police Officers or Security Staff so became chocolate f*****g teapots with blue bands around their hats.

What kind of a waste are they? They are either young girls who have all the authority of a wet fart or fat men, too spotty and unfit to be taken seriously by the community scrotes.

They really do put the "Great" into Britain, the cock knockers.

 

 

I tend to agree somewhat, however, when some dense bitch of an untaxed driver knocked half my garden wall down, the PCSO did follow it up, and tried her best to get something done about it, however the perpetrator done a bunk from her flat across the road, and hadn't registered her car since buying it, so we couldn't track her down. But the PCSO phoned me several times and visited me three times to keep me updated as to what they were doing.

 

The male PCSO on my estate, however, insists on scaring my 11 year old daughter by threatening her with prosecution if she keeps riding her bike on the path. I have told him in no uncertain terms that when he stops boy racers whizzing past my house at stupid miles an hour, that's when I'll stop my kid riding on the path. Until then, I will happily pay his 80 quid f*****g fine, a small price to pay for my child's head being intact.

[Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,219]

PCSOs, you know those flange ends who were not good enough to become proper Police Officers or Security Staff so became chocolate f*****g teapots with blue bands around their hats.

What kind of a waste are they? They are either young girls who have all the authority of a wet fart or fat men, too spotty and unfit to be taken seriously by the community scrotes.

They really do put the "Great" into Britain, the cock knockers.

 

 

I tend to agree somewhat, however, when some dense bitch of an untaxed driver knocked half my garden wall down, the PCSO did follow it up, and tried her best to get something done about it, however the perpetrator done a bunk from her flat across the road, and hadn't registered her car since buying it, so we couldn't track her down. But the PCSO phoned me several times and visited me three times to keep me updated as to what they were doing.

 

The male PCSO on my estate, however, insists on scaring my 11 year old daughter by threatening her with prosecution if she keeps riding her bike on the path. I have told him in no uncertain terms that when he stops boy racers whizzing past my house at stupid miles an hour, that's when I'll stop my kid riding on the path. Until then, I will happily pay his 80 quid f*****g fine, a small price to pay for my child's head being intact.

And there, Lardy, is the point.

One PCSO doing what the police used to do anyway ( bear in mind she is geting around £16,000 a year to make a few calls and knock on your door) when they worked the beat and the other one, again on £16000 a year, threatening to prosecute an 11 year old child because he hasnt got the balls to go for the big fish, which he has very little power to do anyway.

w**nkers, the lot of em!

[Lard Bazaar 3,799]

PCSOs, you know those flange ends who were not good enough to become proper Police Officers or Security Staff so became chocolate f*****g teapots with blue bands around their hats.

What kind of a waste are they? They are either young girls who have all the authority of a wet fart or fat men, too spotty and unfit to be taken seriously by the community scrotes.

They really do put the "Great" into Britain, the cock knockers.

 

 

I tend to agree somewhat, however, when some dense bitch of an untaxed driver knocked half my garden wall down, the PCSO did follow it up, and tried her best to get something done about it, however the perpetrator done a bunk from her flat across the road, and hadn't registered her car since buying it, so we couldn't track her down. But the PCSO phoned me several times and visited me three times to keep me updated as to what they were doing.

 

The male PCSO on my estate, however, insists on scaring my 11 year old daughter by threatening her with prosecution if she keeps riding her bike on the path. I have told him in no uncertain terms that when he stops boy racers whizzing past my house at stupid miles an hour, that's when I'll stop my kid riding on the path. Until then, I will happily pay his 80 quid f*****g fine, a small price to pay for my child's head being intact.

And there, Lardy, is the point.

One PCSO doing what the police used to do anyway ( bear in mind she is geting around £16,000 a year to make a few calls and knock on your door) when they worked the beat and the other one, again on £16000 a year, threatening to prosecute an 11 year old child because he hasnt got the balls to go for the big fish, which he has very little power to do anyway.

w**nkers, the lot of em!

 

Yeh, these people that get paid 16 grand a year out of your council tax, to do pretty much f**k all, pisses you off doesn't it?

[Monoclinic 39]

PCSOs, you know those flange ends who were not good enough to become proper Police Officers or Security Staff so became chocolate f*****g teapots with blue bands around their hats.

What kind of a waste are they? They are either young girls who have all the authority of a wet fart or fat men, too spotty and unfit to be taken seriously by the community scrotes.

They really do put the "Great" into Britain, the cock knockers.

 

 

I tend to agree somewhat, however, when some dense bitch of an untaxed driver knocked half my garden wall down, the PCSO did follow it up, and tried her best to get something done about it, however the perpetrator done a bunk from her flat across the road, and hadn't registered her car since buying it, so we couldn't track her down. But the PCSO phoned me several times and visited me three times to keep me updated as to what they were doing.

 

The male PCSO on my estate, however, insists on scaring my 11 year old daughter by threatening her with prosecution if she keeps riding her bike on the path. I have told him in no uncertain terms that when he stops boy racers whizzing past my house at stupid miles an hour, that's when I'll stop my kid riding on the path. Until then, I will happily pay his 80 quid f*****g fine, a small price to pay for my child's head being intact.

And there, Lardy, is the point.

One PCSO doing what the police used to do anyway ( bear in mind she is geting around £16,000 a year to make a few calls and knock on your door) when they worked the beat and the other one, again on £16000 a year, threatening to prosecute an 11 year old child because he hasnt got the balls to go for the big fish, which he has very little power to do anyway.

w**nkers, the lot of em!

 

Yeh, these people that get paid 16 grand a year out of your council tax, to do pretty much f**k all, pisses you off doesn't it?

 

Could be worse, they could be PCSOs doing a part-time correspondance course based at a Scottish university exempt of top-up fees.

 

Flange, an internal rim (one of many translations albeit), is a great word by the way. Full marks.

[Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,219]

PCSOs, you know those flange ends who were not good enough to become proper Police Officers or Security Staff so became chocolate f*****g teapots with blue bands around their hats.

What kind of a waste are they? They are either young girls who have all the authority of a wet fart or fat men, too spotty and unfit to be taken seriously by the community scrotes.

They really do put the "Great" into Britain, the cock knockers.

 

 

I tend to agree somewhat, however, when some dense bitch of an untaxed driver knocked half my garden wall down, the PCSO did follow it up, and tried her best to get something done about it, however the perpetrator done a bunk from her flat across the road, and hadn't registered her car since buying it, so we couldn't track her down. But the PCSO phoned me several times and visited me three times to keep me updated as to what they were doing.

 

The male PCSO on my estate, however, insists on scaring my 11 year old daughter by threatening her with prosecution if she keeps riding her bike on the path. I have told him in no uncertain terms that when he stops boy racers whizzing past my house at stupid miles an hour, that's when I'll stop my kid riding on the path. Until then, I will happily pay his 80 quid f*****g fine, a small price to pay for my child's head being intact.

And there, Lardy, is the point.

One PCSO doing what the police used to do anyway ( bear in mind she is geting around £16,000 a year to make a few calls and knock on your door) when they worked the beat and the other one, again on £16000 a year, threatening to prosecute an 11 year old child because he hasnt got the balls to go for the big fish, which he has very little power to do anyway.

w**nkers, the lot of em!

 

Yeh, these people that get paid 16 grand a year out of your council tax, to do pretty much f**k all, pisses you off doesn't it?

 

Could be worse, they could be PCSOs doing a part-time correspondance course based at a Scottish university exempt of top-up fees.

 

Monkey, you have got me all wrong!!

[Lard Bazaar 3,799]

PCSOs, you know those flange ends who were not good enough to become proper Police Officers or Security Staff so became chocolate f*****g teapots with blue bands around their hats.

What kind of a waste are they? They are either young girls who have all the authority of a wet fart or fat men, too spotty and unfit to be taken seriously by the community scrotes.

They really do put the "Great" into Britain, the cock knockers.

 

 

I tend to agree somewhat, however, when some dense bitch of an untaxed driver knocked half my garden wall down, the PCSO did follow it up, and tried her best to get something done about it, however the perpetrator done a bunk from her flat across the road, and hadn't registered her car since buying it, so we couldn't track her down. But the PCSO phoned me several times and visited me three times to keep me updated as to what they were doing.

 

The male PCSO on my estate, however, insists on scaring my 11 year old daughter by threatening her with prosecution if she keeps riding her bike on the path. I have told him in no uncertain terms that when he stops boy racers whizzing past my house at stupid miles an hour, that's when I'll stop my kid riding on the path. Until then, I will happily pay his 80 quid f*****g fine, a small price to pay for my child's head being intact.

And there, Lardy, is the point.

One PCSO doing what the police used to do anyway ( bear in mind she is geting around £16,000 a year to make a few calls and knock on your door) when they worked the beat and the other one, again on £16000 a year, threatening to prosecute an 11 year old child because he hasnt got the balls to go for the big fish, which he has very little power to do anyway.

w**nkers, the lot of em!

 

Yeh, these people that get paid 16 grand a year out of your council tax, to do pretty much f**k all, pisses you off doesn't it?

 

Could be worse, they could be PCSOs doing a part-time correspondance course based at a Scottish university exempt of top-up fees.

 

Monkey, you have got me all wrong!!

 

Is Windsor a PCSO?

[Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,219]

PCSOs, you know those flange ends who were not good enough to become proper Police Officers or Security Staff so became chocolate f*****g teapots with blue bands around their hats.

What kind of a waste are they? They are either young girls who have all the authority of a wet fart or fat men, too spotty and unfit to be taken seriously by the community scrotes.

They really do put the "Great" into Britain, the cock knockers.

 

 

I tend to agree somewhat, however, when some dense bitch of an untaxed driver knocked half my garden wall down, the PCSO did follow it up, and tried her best to get something done about it, however the perpetrator done a bunk from her flat across the road, and hadn't registered her car since buying it, so we couldn't track her down. But the PCSO phoned me several times and visited me three times to keep me updated as to what they were doing.

 

The male PCSO on my estate, however, insists on scaring my 11 year old daughter by threatening her with prosecution if she keeps riding her bike on the path. I have told him in no uncertain terms that when he stops boy racers whizzing past my house at stupid miles an hour, that's when I'll stop my kid riding on the path. Until then, I will happily pay his 80 quid f*****g fine, a small price to pay for my child's head being intact.

And there, Lardy, is the point.

One PCSO doing what the police used to do anyway ( bear in mind she is geting around £16,000 a year to make a few calls and knock on your door) when they worked the beat and the other one, again on £16000 a year, threatening to prosecute an 11 year old child because he hasnt got the balls to go for the big fish, which he has very little power to do anyway.

w**nkers, the lot of em!

 

Yeh, these people that get paid 16 grand a year out of your council tax, to do pretty much f**k all, pisses you off doesn't it?

 

Could be worse, they could be PCSOs doing a part-time correspondance course based at a Scottish university exempt of top-up fees.

 

Monkey, you have got me all wrong!!

 

Is Windsor a PCSO?

If you are suggesting that Winny and a PSCO is a waste of English taxpayers money, then yes, for arguments sake he is.......

Get it?

[Lard Bazaar 3,799]

PCSOs, you know those flange ends who were not good enough to become proper Police Officers or Security Staff so became chocolate f*****g teapots with blue bands around their hats.

What kind of a waste are they? They are either young girls who have all the authority of a wet fart or fat men, too spotty and unfit to be taken seriously by the community scrotes.

They really do put the "Great" into Britain, the cock knockers.

 

 

I tend to agree somewhat, however, when some dense bitch of an untaxed driver knocked half my garden wall down, the PCSO did follow it up, and tried her best to get something done about it, however the perpetrator done a bunk from her flat across the road, and hadn't registered her car since buying it, so we couldn't track her down. But the PCSO phoned me several times and visited me three times to keep me updated as to what they were doing.

 

The male PCSO on my estate, however, insists on scaring my 11 year old daughter by threatening her with prosecution if she keeps riding her bike on the path. I have told him in no uncertain terms that when he stops boy racers whizzing past my house at stupid miles an hour, that's when I'll stop my kid riding on the path. Until then, I will happily pay his 80 quid f*****g fine, a small price to pay for my child's head being intact.

And there, Lardy, is the point.

One PCSO doing what the police used to do anyway ( bear in mind she is geting around £16,000 a year to make a few calls and knock on your door) when they worked the beat and the other one, again on £16000 a year, threatening to prosecute an 11 year old child because he hasnt got the balls to go for the big fish, which he has very little power to do anyway.

w**nkers, the lot of em!

 

Yeh, these people that get paid 16 grand a year out of your council tax, to do pretty much f**k all, pisses you off doesn't it?

 

Could be worse, they could be PCSOs doing a part-time correspondance course based at a Scottish university exempt of top-up fees.

 

Monkey, you have got me all wrong!!

 

Is Windsor a PCSO?

If you are suggesting that Winny and a PSCO is a waste of English taxpayers money, then yes, for arguments sake he is.......

Get it?

 

No, that wasn't what I was suggesting. It was the uni/fees/Scottish thing that made me think....oh, bollocks, never mind.

[Windsor 2,233]

Another local one.

 

For some time now I have been displaying a quote from Vice-Chairwoman of Fraserburgh Community Council, Mary Melville.

 

Given that she has practically said that Fraserburgh is a dump, FCC recently decided what the town really needs.

The solution to the problem will be to restore a statue!

Not just any statue though - a statue of the 16th Lord Saltoun.

By the way, Mary Melville is a great fan of the 16th Lord Saltoun. In May 2008 she wrote a two part biography of the man for the Fraserburgh Herald. Now FCC decide to give that Lord Saltoun a face lift? I think it is a bloody cheek. She slags off the town for being shite, then wastes a ton of money on a bloody statue that nobody gives a rats ass about.

 

I was going to write to the Fraserburgh Herald - but decided against it. Thought I'd tell you guys instead.

[Lard Bazaar 3,799]

Another local one.

 

For some time now I have been displaying a quote from Vice-Chairwoman of Fraserburgh Community Council, Mary Melville.

 

Given that she has practically said that Fraserburgh is a dump, FCC recently decided what the town really needs.

The solution to the problem will be to restore a statue!

Not just any statue though - a statue of the 16th Lord Saltoun.

By the way, Mary Melville is a great fan of the 16th Lord Saltoun. In May 2008 she wrote a two part biography of the man for the Fraserburgh Herald. Now FCC decide to give that Lord Saltoun a face lift? I think it is a bloody cheek. She slags off the town for being shite, then wastes a ton of money on a bloody statue that nobody gives a rats ass about.

 

I was going to write to the Fraserburgh Herald - but decided against it. Thought I'd tell you guys instead.

 

Do it, write to the paper. I'm a big fan of writing to papers. I'm always leaving comments on my local paper's website, because the twats don't actually mod the comments until AGES after you've left them, so I can rant to my heart's content, let the bunch of carrot-munching locals know what I think of their illiterate remarks, and nobody cares!

[Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,219]

Another local one.

 

For some time now I have been displaying a quote from Vice-Chairwoman of Fraserburgh Community Council, Mary Melville.

 

Given that she has practically said that Fraserburgh is a dump, FCC recently decided what the town really needs.

The solution to the problem will be to restore a statue!

Not just any statue though - a statue of the 16th Lord Saltoun.

By the way, Mary Melville is a great fan of the 16th Lord Saltoun. In May 2008 she wrote a two part biography of the man for the Fraserburgh Herald. Now FCC decide to give that Lord Saltoun a face lift? I think it is a bloody cheek. She slags off the town for being shite, then wastes a ton of money on a bloody statue that nobody gives a rats ass about.

 

I was going to write to the Fraserburgh Herald - but decided against it. Thought I'd tell you guys instead.

Can I write to it instead?

 

Dear Sir/Madam

It has come to my intention that some old slapper by the name of Mary Melville intends to

appropriate sums of English taxpayers money on some decrepid statue of a cockspanner, the 16th

Lord Saltoun.

Hands off our dosh you money grabbing bastards

Yours

Angry of Norfolk

If you can pass that on Winny.....

[Windsor 2,233]

It is probably a good thing I didn't write to the paper.

Reading both the Fraserburgh Herald and the P+J, I was informed that her husband, Alistair Melville, died earlier this week aged 67.

 

He was not as popular as the report suggests. He was regarded to be a moaning faced bastard who poked his nose into everybody elses business. He and his wife Mary write letters to the Fraserburgh Herald almost on a weekly basis - always signed 'Alistair and Mary Melville'. They are just one of those couples - a right pair of arseholes.

 

At least with his death, I now only have the one of them to contend with!

[Geronimo 3]

Bastards!

[Lard Bazaar 3,799]

I may well have ranted about this before (very likely) - FLAT PACK f*****g FURNITURE!!!!!!!

 

I am in the process of gouging out my own eyeballs with a screwdriver. I've put the chest of drawers together right, everything fits and there's no bits left over, so why is it SO f*****g WOBBLY!

 

I am going to burn all my children's clothes, then they won't need a damn set of drawers.

[Slave to the Grave 26]

I may well have ranted about this before (very likely) - FLAT PACK f*****g FURNITURE!!!!!!!

 

I am in the process of gouging out my own eyeballs with a screwdriver. I've put the chest of drawers together right, everything fits and there's no bits left over, so why is it SO f*****g WOBBLY!

 

I am going to burn all my children's clothes, then they won't need a damn set of drawers.

 

I sympathise. My life is a perpetual flat pack nightmare. The latest aquisition is a sort of plastic greenhouse thingy, I put it all together quite succesfully and then discovered some left over bits which turned out to be some strut type devices which stop it turning into a parallelogram (sp?) instead of a rectangle. I have to make another one tomorrow because I have to prick out my lettuces and I need space to put the pots.

[Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,219]

Over the years I have become quite an expert at Flat pack furniture. My daughter is also well versed in putting a whole load of things together without leaving anything over. Its soley down to perseverance and swearing.

Lardy, you do have my sympathy, keep the faith and you will get there. Its bound to be something silly!

STTG, I read that you need to prick out your lettuces. Im not too sure what that entails, however, may I suggest that you borrow one Banshees Scream for the task ahead.

You will not find a greater prick than him anywhere.

[Lard Bazaar 3,799]

Over the years I have become quite an expert at Flat pack furniture. My daughter is also well versed in putting a whole load of things together without leaving anything over. Its soley down to perseverance and swearing.

Lardy, you do have my sympathy, keep the faith and you will get there. Its bound to be something silly!

STTG, I read that you need to prick out your lettuces. Im not too sure what that entails, however, may I suggest that you borrow one Banshees Scream for the task ahead.

You will not find a greater prick than him anywhere.

 

 

Mmmmm. It was something silly. I had forgotten to nail the back on. I take it all back. Flat pack furniture is wonderful, and I am stupid. And I only hit my thumb with the hammer three times. But I said 'f**k', 'cock' and 'cunting bastard wankface' twelve, nine and twenty seven times respectively. I am now off to open a bottle of wine.

[Terminator 13]

Over the years I have become quite an expert at Flat pack furniture. My daughter is also well versed in putting a whole load of things together without leaving anything over. Its soley down to perseverance and swearing.

Lardy, you do have my sympathy, keep the faith and you will get there. Its bound to be something silly!

STTG, I read that you need to prick out your lettuces. Im not too sure what that entails, however, may I suggest that you borrow one Banshees Scream for the task ahead.

You will not find a greater prick than him anywhere.

 

 

Mmmmm. It was something silly. I had forgotten to nail the back on. I take it all back. Flat pack furniture is wonderful, and I am stupid. And I only hit my thumb with the hammer three times. But I said 'f**k', 'cock' and 'cunting bastard wankface' twelve, nine and twenty seven times respectively. I am now off to open a bottle of wine.

 

As a youthful Terminator, I assembled a cabinet for a neighbour. It all fitted together perfectly until I set it upright and tried to fit the doors. As much as I tried. I couldn't get the doors to align right. It was only when I spoke to a mate, he did ask whether I'd made sure the unit was "spirit-leveled" (doh!)

[CarolAnn 926]

I keep a husband around for that sh*t.

[Lard Bazaar 3,799]

I keep a husband around for that sh*t.

 

 

Husband? I'm stupid, but I'm not that stupid.

[CarolAnn 926]

I keep a husband around for that sh*t.

 

 

Husband? I'm stupid, but I'm not that stupid.

 

Women ask me to loan them my husband...I choose to not clarify that request. I have to admit he's one of a kind and I'm a very lucky woman.

 

Took me a grand adventure that I wouldn't care to repeat to get here, though.

[Lard Bazaar 3,799]

I keep a husband around for that sh*t.

 

 

Husband? I'm stupid, but I'm not that stupid.

 

Women ask me to loan them my husband...I choose to not clarify that request. I have to admit he's one of a kind and I'm a very lucky woman.

 

Took me a grand adventure that I wouldn't care to repeat to get here, though.

 

Women never asked me to loan them my husband - he just offered himself to them and they took him. The latest one has got him permanently now (well, until he finds another OAP that will fall for his crap) and by god, she's welcome to him. When I think back to him, sat on the sofa after a shower, picking his nose and wiping it on his boxer shorts (you think I'm joking), I thank my lucky f*****g stars that she is now the one that has to put up with that.

 

Now, I can sit on the sofa, picking my nose and wiping it wherever the hell I like, and I quite like it that way.