Banshees Scream 110 Posted March 18, 2006 my son, however, is studying chef-ery You get to eat your son's homework, chef-ery Dahmer got to eat his friends! Eat his sons homework? You mean his teacher has the enjoyment. That is probably how they get graded. The teacher must get free dinner everynight. Figure he has around 24 meals to eat. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tempus Fugit 214 Posted March 18, 2006 Has anyone read "The Apprentice" by Gordon Houghton? It's a good death and after death related novel. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Windsor 2,233 Posted March 18, 2006 my son, however, is studying chef-ery You get to eat your son's homework, chef-ery Dahmer got to eat his friends! There's an excuse I never thought I'd hear. Teacher: Where's your homework. Pupil: My dad ate it. Likely story. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Banshees Scream 110 Posted March 18, 2006 my son, however, is studying chef-ery You get to eat your son's homework, chef-ery Dahmer got to eat his friends! There's an excuse I never thought I'd hear. Teacher: Where's your homework. Pupil: My dad ate it. Likely story. Well the original joke is "My dog ate it" which has gotten very old over time. It wouldn't be funny anymore. The modern day excuse is "I was absent" or "I lost it" or even myself and my girlfriend were actually subtracting, dividing and well tried not to multiply which we hopefully didn't.............................. When the teacher asks - Well you weren't suppose to multiply so what's the problem? You'd say - It isn't numbers i'm talking about. Sorry everyone this seemed to turn into joke thread material. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Windsor 2,233 Posted March 18, 2006 my son, however, is studying chef-ery You get to eat your son's homework, chef-ery Dahmer got to eat his friends! There's an excuse I never thought I'd hear. Teacher: Where's your homework. Pupil: My dad ate it. Likely story. Well the original joke is "My dog ate it" which has gotten very old over time. It wouldn't be funny anymore. The modern day excuse is "I was absent" or "I lost it" or even myself and my girlfriend were actually subtracting, dividing and well tried not to multiply which we hopefully didn't.............................. When the teacher asks - Well you weren't suppose to multiply so what's the problem? You'd say - It isn't numbers i'm talking about. Sorry everyone this seemed to turn into joke thread material. I once got that joke in an email - if I can find it I shall post it... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Banshees Scream 110 Posted March 18, 2006 my son, however, is studying chef-ery You get to eat your son's homework, chef-ery Dahmer got to eat his friends! There's an excuse I never thought I'd hear. Teacher: Where's your homework. Pupil: My dad ate it. Likely story. Well the original joke is "My dog ate it" which has gotten very old over time. It wouldn't be funny anymore. The modern day excuse is "I was absent" or "I lost it" or even myself and my girlfriend were actually subtracting, dividing and well tried not to multiply which we hopefully didn't.............................. When the teacher asks - Well you weren't suppose to multiply so what's the problem? You'd say - It isn't numbers i'm talking about. Sorry everyone this seemed to turn into joke thread material. I once got that joke in an email - if I can find it I shall post it... Well I believe there is something like it, but never in those words.. Simply the one you probably know shoots from mathematics to sex. I have a very good joke page, posted a few the other day. I think i'll skim through them right now.. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Windsor 2,233 Posted March 18, 2006 Here we go, this was sent to my newly created 'Bebo' account. This is in full by the way. I hate chain mail: ROUGH SEX!!!DON'T READ THIS IF YOU'RE GONNA GET OFFENDED: A hug leads to a kiss...a kiss leads 2 a finger...a finger leads to a a hand...a hand leads to a lick...a lick leads to a suck...a suck leads 2 a F**k. So tell me how many people are you gonna hug after you heard this cuz sex is like math...u add the bed...subtract the clothes...divide the legs...leave your solution...and pray you dont multiply! Send this right after u read it, something good will happen at 2:25 tomorrow. Get ready for the biggest shock in your life!! Whoever breaks this chain will be cursed w/ relationship problems 4-10 years. If you send this in 15 mins. your safe. Something good will happen tonight at 11:11pm. This is not a joke...someone will either call you or will talk to you online. Giving .........head....... massages the jaw....while burning 32 calories. Swallowing foreign body juices is actually like taking vitamins and it whitens your teeth Having nice sex burnes 358 calories. Having rough sex [make it hurt] burns 543 calories. Take off her clothes with her consent.........................12 cal without......................187 cal Take off her Bra With two hands..........................8 cal With one hand.........................12 cal With mouth.............................85 cal Put on Protection hard ........................... 6 cal soft..........................315 cal Foreplay Looking for target...................8 cal Finding G spot ......................92 cal I don't F***ing care.....................0 cal Entry Holding her..................12 cal On the floor.................8 cal With Different Position Missionary..........................358 cal Doggy...........................316 cal 69 lying...............................286 cal 69 standing.............................512 cal Italian hanger.........................912 cal Orgasm Real................................112 cal Faking................................315 cal After "O" Lying in Bed............................18 cal Hop off the bed............................36 cal Wondering why she left pissed off...........816 cal Get dressed Quiet and calm...........................32 cal Rushing.........................98 cal Heard her boyfriend opening the door.............1218 cal Heard her dad/2 yr old baby sista at the door.............1942 cal IF YOU BREAK THIS YOU WILL HAVE THE WORST DAY OF YOUR LIFE TOMORROW AND AWFUL SEX FOR A YEAR! REPOST THIS AND YOU WILL FIND AMAZING SEX WITHIN ONE MONTH REPOST THIS WITH THE TITLE: Rough Sex Personally, I'd never send an email like that to anyone. PS. Don't join Bebo unless your looking for what can only be described as an online brothel! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Banshees Scream 110 Posted March 18, 2006 Windsor that is alot of calories burned there. Sounds like the supreme way to loose weight is a good looking woman or good looking man depending on your sexuality. In a decade or so docters may start subscribing partners in bed for weight loss? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Windsor 2,233 Posted March 19, 2006 In a decade or so docters may start subscribing partners in bed for weight loss? Judging by this: Take off her clotheswith her consent.........................12 cal without......................187 cal they may even prescribe rape. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Banshees Scream 110 Posted March 19, 2006 In a decade or so docters may start subscribing partners in bed for weight loss? Judging by this: Take off her clotheswith her consent.........................12 cal without......................187 cal they may even prescribe rape. Windsor - I think that if we take this talk any further we should take it to the Live Chat. It appears that some members get disgusted by my posts. I wouldn't want to offend them in any way. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
in eternum+ 22 Posted March 21, 2006 I'm just coming to the end of Caroline Graham's 'The Killings At Badger's Drift', which is the first of the 'Midsomer Murders' novels. Bought it in a charity shop years ago & have avoided reading it to be truthful, as I was expecting it to be a bit 'twee', given the genial nature of the television adaptation. How wrong I was, as it is a stonking good read & imagine my shock to find the F word being used! In Midsomer! What is the world coming to? I am very pleased to see that someone has finally mentioned my favourite genre, the Trashy Murder Mystery Novel. May I suggest Martha Grimes' Richard Jury series as a particularly excellent series. Each book, named after the pub around which the story takes place, involves the same set of characters, standard eccentricities in tow: attractive and exceedingly clever detective, ever-dilligent sargent, particularly eccentric millionaire Lord-who-has-abandoned-his-title, etc. Also, there is usually a troubled but quirky and ever-so-clever child involved, often with a pet of some sort. Although stock, these novels are thoroughly entertaining, and involve little to no thought to read, which for me makes a book particularly enjoyable. Other favoured TMMN series include Lillian Jackson Braun's The Cat Who mysteries, although I must admit that when I read the last one (after having not read one for a number of years) it was a bit too mindless and formulaic, even for me. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Brinsworth House Baiter 12 Posted March 21, 2006 I'm just coming to the end of Caroline Graham's 'The Killings At Badger's Drift', which is the first of the 'Midsomer Murders' novels. Bought it in a charity shop years ago & have avoided reading it to be truthful, as I was expecting it to be a bit 'twee', given the genial nature of the television adaptation. How wrong I was, as it is a stonking good read & imagine my shock to find the F word being used! In Midsomer! What is the world coming to? I am very pleased to see that someone has finally mentioned my favourite genre, the Trashy Murder Mystery Novel. May I suggest Martha Grimes' Richard Jury series as a particularly excellent series. Each book, named after the pub around which the story takes place, involves the same set of characters, standard eccentricities in tow: attractive and exceedingly clever detective, ever-dilligent sargent, particularly eccentric millionaire Lord-who-has-abandoned-his-title, etc. Also, there is usually a troubled but quirky and ever-so-clever child involved, often with a pet of some sort. Although stock, these novels are thoroughly entertaining, and involve little to no thought to read, which for me makes a book particularly enjoyable. Other favoured TMMN series include Lillian Jackson Braun's The Cat Who mysteries, although I must admit that when I read the last one (after having not read one for a number of years) it was a bit too mindless and formulaic, even for me. Thank you, sir, I shall keep an eye open for them in the charity shops. Currently reading Frank Skinner by Frank Skinner & a mighty fine read it is too. Never used to go in for autobiographys as I never wanted to read about other people's success, luck & good fortune, but now I'm nearing forty & it has become painfully obvious that I shan't amass any of my own, I feel the need to read about others. And mutter 'jammy bastards' with every page I turn. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Six 23 Posted March 21, 2006 Anything by Jasper Fforde is always excellent, and does contain quite a bit of death. ( All in a very light-hearted way - not icky or anything.) I'm new here, by the way, so hello all! I have been reading the past posts on this subject... very entertaining. I'm also reading the complete works of Dr Seuss, hugely deep and meaningful! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,639 Posted March 21, 2006 Hugely, Deep and Meaningful; weren't they The Cat in the Hat's three naughty cousins? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Six 23 Posted March 21, 2006 Close, but no... they were three of the Sneeches who were conned by Sylvester McMonkey McBean into using his amazing Star-Off machine. You just can't teach a Sneech I'm afraid. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Die 63 Posted March 21, 2006 Welcome to the forum, Mr/Ms Six! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Six 23 Posted March 21, 2006 Thank you, Lady Die! I am thrilled to be here. While I'm writing, I might just add that I have just finished reading The Gruffalo and was very pleased with the pace and the clever ending. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom 2,532 Posted March 21, 2006 Just finished reading "Practical Demonkeeping" by Christopher Moore Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Banshees Scream 110 Posted March 21, 2006 Just finished reading "Practical Demonkeeping" by Christopher Moore Are you in a cult Phantom? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom 2,532 Posted March 21, 2006 Just finished reading "Practical Demonkeeping" by Christopher Moore Are you in a cult Phantom? not in a cult, Christopher Moore writes fantasy spoofs. Practical Demonkeeping is about a guy called Travis who summons a demon called Catch from hell who is invisible to all but Travis. Except when he eats people, then he triples in size. Also the demon's favourite movie is The Wizard of Oz. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Banshees Scream 110 Posted March 21, 2006 Just finished reading "Practical Demonkeeping" by Christopher Moore Are you in a cult Phantom? not in a cult, Christopher writes fantasy spoofs. Practical Demonkeeping is about a guy called Travis who summons a demon called Catch from hell who is invisible to all but Travis. Except when he eats people, then he triples in size. Also the demon's favourite movie is The Wizard of Oz. I understand the book was written, obviously I asked if you yourself was in a cult? Demons and cults both were born in the same tree. But overall sounds like a good book. The Wizard of Oz was always a very strange movie to me. I always seem to think theres something wrong with it. Almost like the movie is evil? Everything is just too colerful. To gather then many muchkins at the same time also influences me to understand. Or perhaps not the movie itself but the script. The writer is improvising that Dorethy had a dream of the dark angels - A world darker then our own. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom 2,532 Posted March 21, 2006 Just finished reading "Practical Demonkeeping" by Christopher Moore Are you in a cult Phantom? not in a cult, Christopher writes fantasy spoofs. Practical Demonkeeping is about a guy called Travis who summons a demon called Catch from hell who is invisible to all but Travis. Except when he eats people, then he triples in size. Also the demon's favourite movie is The Wizard of Oz. I understand the book was written, obviously I asked if you yourself was in a cult? Demons and cults both were born in the same tree. But overall sounds like a good book. The Wizard of Oz was always a very strange movie to me. I always seem to think theres something wrong with it. Almost like the movie is evil? Everything is just too colerful. To gather then many muchkins at the same time also influences me to understand. Or perhaps not the movie itself but the script. The writer is improvising that Dorethy had a dream of the dark angels - A world darker then our own. It's very much the same sort of humour as Robert Rankin "A Dog Called Demolition" , "East of Ealing", "Raiders of the Lost Car Park" etc. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
beebee 1 Posted March 22, 2006 i am happy to announce i have just finished the 11th and final "horatio hornblower". he was a naughty boy .i can certianly see captian kirk in him! now i have nothing to read. i have read the cereal boxes and the vcr instructions and the tag on the mattress. i even read the kids textbooks. what shall i do now? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Brinsworth House Baiter 12 Posted March 22, 2006 i am happy to announce i have just finished the 11th and final "horatio hornblower". he was a naughty boy .i can certianly see captian kirk in him! now i have nothing to read. i have read the cereal boxes and the vcr instructions and the tag on the mattress. i even read the kids textbooks. what shall i do now? I suggest reading the Dicky O' thread, in its entirety, from the beginning...that should be enough to convince you to join your local library... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Godot 149 Posted March 24, 2006 Haven't got this one yet but, from the reviews, it looks as though it may be amusing for deathlisters: http://www.amazon.com/gp/reader/0393050939...925#reader-link Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
