A Joke

[Dave to the Grave 11]

This is a true story and it's probably the most scared that I have ever been in my entire life.

 

This is a drug story. But I'm clean now.

 

 

Geovanni said he would be over in 20 minutes.

 

It was probably four or five years ago. Any dealer that says he will be over in twenty minutes is like a jack pot find 'Some of you know that'...... reliability at it's finest. I'm in a suburban neighborhood now with a couple of my friends and we are already really high and on top of that I took like four or five Vikiden so the thought of getting in a car with somebody else driving was not really what I had in mind. We had to meet him, but I wasn't going by car. So I was like 'f**k you guys' 'and f**k you too' (When you are as high as I was, you think you can do anything)

 

So I said 'I'm walking' and that's exactly what I did. I also had no idea where I was going but it was 85 degrees out and it was one of those highs where 'Everybody you see, is everybody you know' and out of nowhere I see this guy walking on somebody's lawn and from there he went to another guys house only he was going by their door. So I'm saying to myself 'this asshole is vandalizing property, this guys trying to break in!' So I took my cell phone out and dialed 9 - 11.

 

I told the operator 'The guy has brown hair, 5'10\5'11 \black shirt ex ex. Right after I get off the phone I happen to see this huge truck thirty five feet from me and on the side of it in big letters it read 'UPS" ... it was the f****n mailman! Then I realize O my god.. 'I have brown hair. I'm wearing a black shirt. All of a sudden I realize I have one of my friends bags in my pocket and at the bottom of it there is so much coke......maybe three or four grams . . I'm going to jail. I'm going to jail. The thoughts were repetitious.

 

Less then ten minutes later I'm getting dry mouth so badly I felt as if I were roasting in the Arizona desert. I felt as if all the houses were looking at me. I'm beginning to sweat and the sun was beginning to make that high pitched noise. At that very moment a cop car passed right beside me, I had never been so bugged out in my entire life. I was fortunate for it to pass me by. It was only along side of me for ten seconds, but it felt like ten minutes.

 

By this time I was almost in some other town. It had just occurred to me 'where am I going?' and having that day been so lifeless I finally saw a human being out on their front lawn. It was a woman with this gigantic sun hat and she was kneeling down gardening. This woman ... had a fantastic body. Blond. From that view she was a 8\10. She was turned away and I needed a drink so badly ... I needed something.

 

I said 'Hey, excuse me' 'Hello'

 

No answer.

 

Hello.

 

No answer. I walked up up to the edge on the lawn and she remained in the same spot. Knelt down, with this gigantic gardening hat\ long blond hair and facing towards her home. One last time I said ....... HELLO

 

She turned around

 

IT was a f****n 85 year old woman........... I was never so horrified in my entire life. It looked like John McCains mother. I just kept walking and walking never more shaken.

 

To this day I can never be sure how many miles I walked that afternoon.

 

 

Imagine how she felt.

Lukewarm tripe?

[maryportfuncity 10,662]

Police digging at the Jersey Childrens' home have found Michael Jackson's other glove.

[maryportfuncity 10,662]

A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come As different emotions e.g. fear etc.

 

On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N And V painted on his chest.

 

He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you Come as?"

 

The guy says, "I'm green with NV".

 

The host replies, "Brilliant come on in and have a drink."

 

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the Door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her most intimate parts.

 

He says to this woman, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you Come as?"

 

She replies, "I'm tickled pink."

 

The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."

 

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time,

 

And the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick,

standing stark naked, one with his willy in a bowl of custard and The other with his willy stuck in a pear.

 

The host is really shocked and says, "What the hell are you both doing?

You could get arrested standing like that out there in the street.

 

Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?"

 

Paddy replies, "Welllll, Oim fokn discustard, and Mick here has just come in despair"

[themaninblack 2,112]

A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come As different emotions e.g. fear etc.

 

On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N And V painted on his chest.

 

He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you Come as?"

 

The guy says, "I'm green with NV".

 

The host replies, "Brilliant come on in and have a drink."

 

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the Door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her most intimate parts.

 

He says to this woman, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you Come as?"

 

She replies, "I'm tickled pink."

 

The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."

 

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time,

 

And the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick,

standing stark naked, one with his willy in a bowl of custard and The other with his willy stuck in a pear.

 

The host is really shocked and says, "What the hell are you both doing?

You could get arrested standing like that out there in the street.

 

Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?"

 

Paddy replies, "Welllll, Oim fokn discustard, and Mick here has just come in despair"

 

 

I think the joke of the year standard's just been set...

[Paul Bearer 6,122]

Dave sees a job advertised in the local job centre in Inverness. He went up to the counter to enquire about it.

 

"Ah yes" says the assistant. "Its for a vacancy in the gynecology department of the local hospital, what you have to do is take the ladies underwear off and lay them on the bed, then put a shaving cream on them and shave their nether regions. After that you have to apply a softening oil to the shaved parts. and they'll be ready for surgery"

 

"Wow" said Dave "That sounds fantastic, where do I go?" You have to go to Portsmouth" replied the assistant. "Is that where the hospital is?" asked Dave, "No, that's where the end of the queue is"

[Star Crossed 33]

Dave sees a job advertised in the local job centre in Inverness. He went up to the counter to enquire about it.

 

"Ah yes" says the assistant. "Its for a vacancy in the gynecology department of the local hospital, what you have to do is take the ladies underwear off and lay them on the bed, then put a shaving cream on them and shave their nether regions. After that you have to apply a softening oil to the shaved parts. and they'll be ready for surgery"

 

"Wow" said Dave "That sounds fantastic, where do I go?" You have to go to Portsmouth" replied the assistant. "Is that where the hospital is?" asked Dave, "No, that's where the end of the queue is"

That might be the only good reason anyone ever found to go to Pompey.

[honez 79]

I finally saw a human being out on their front lawn. It was a woman with this gigantic sun hat and she was kneeling down gardening. This woman ... had a fantastic body. Blond. From that view she was a 8\10....

Imagine how she felt.

Lukewarm tripe?

 

Has anyone we know been to Canberra recently?

[Phantom 2,539]

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco , a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?'

I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied.

You've gotta be kiddin' me.'

No, would you like to give it a try?'

Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...' So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left. Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, 'What the heck happened to you?' He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, 'This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...

[deadsox 894]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving

at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place

where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she

replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind

travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife

and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I

made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your

partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and

says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

[Banshees Scream 110]

Excellent.

 

Both jokes had the ... comedic kick to it. We've really all learned a lot about nature lovers. Everybody better stay out of the woods from now on.

 

And the second joke ... personal expirience? The standard example of when a mans impulse-fantasy enters the realms of reality. Perfect analyzation of the first line of what an attractive teacher would use to approach a conversation like that.

[One shot Paddy 1,206]

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.

'Excuse me, I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'

'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.'

[maryportfuncity 10,662]

Re the Orpington air crash, just heard they're going to prosectute the homeowners for leaving the landing light on.

[maryportfuncity 10,662]

I just lost at Hangman

It's a sod though, that word, it seems kind of familiar.

 

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BRI_G_ _D

[Windsor 2,235]

A very bad joke someone told me today:

 

There was a man just arrived at the Golf Club. He went in and ordered a pint. The barman said no, and explained that he couldn't serve him a drink as he would be driving later on.

 

 

Another bad one (can't remember if I posted this):

 

Q) Why do birds fly South in the Winter?

 

A) Because it's too far to walk.

 

 

The second joke was delivered by a politics lecturer trying to be funny...he wasn't.

[Typhoid Harry 23]

This thread has gotten so long it's difficult to tell what has and hasn't been told. That being said, here's an oldie from my best friend's Rabbi.

 

 

This very old Rabbi in NYC hits the state lottery for 100 million. The congregation is ecstatic! "Oy vey!" they cry, "oy vey! Vhat are you going to do vith the money?"

"Vell, the first thing I should do," says the Rabbi, "is to build a monument to Hitler."

"HITLER?!" they cry, "What are you? Meshugena? Hitler? He vas a monster!"

"I know, I know," says the Rabbi, rolling up his sleeve, "but, hey, he gave me the numbers!"

[Paul Bearer 6,122]

Austrian nonce Josef Fritzl is writing a new book.

 

People are doubting though whether it will be a best cellar.

[maryportfuncity 10,662]

Don't think we've had this one before:

 

 

 

A travelling salesman knocks on a house door

 

It is answered by a young child wearing a smoking jacket. he has glass of whiskey in one hand and a cigar in the other.

 

The salesman asks "Are your parents in?"

 

The child replies "What the f**k do you think?"

[Saint Peter 14]

Belated Burns night joke:

 

Q - Why do scotsmen have blue penises?

 

A - Cos they're tight-fisted w**nkers!

 

You can see Scotland very clearly from Maryport you know.

 

Q - What's the difference between an Englishman and a coconut.

 

A - You can get a drink out of a coconut!!!

[maryportfuncity 10,662]

We've left a respectful silence for a day or two..........so, let's go there!

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To be fair to Fritzl, he tried to put his kids up for adoption but the Jersey Children's home said their cellar was already full.

 

What's Fritzl's favourite chat up line? 'Fancy a bit of how's your father'.

 

In a recent poll asking when was the best time to inform children of the facts of life, 9 out of 10 Austrians said they shoud be kept in the dark.

 

Fritzl is planning to appear in a new version of the sound of music, called 'the Von Trapped family'.

[maryportfuncity 10,662]

And there's more.....

 

 

 

Austrian authoities say Joseph Fritzl has really been improving as a father lately, a spokes person said he'd been coming into his own.

[Windsor 2,235]

Do the McCanns have a cellar?

 

I have devised a new Maddie McCann theory. I think she is safe and well at Heathrow Airport. The McCanns are so negligent, they forgot to take her on the plane...

[maryportfuncity 10,662]

A quarter of over 50s are failing to save.

 

It's CTRL, S. You old f***kers.

[Phantom 2,539]

A man joins the foreign legion as an officer.

 

When he reaches his position (a fort in the middle of a desert) he is brought in by the commanding officer, while he is being lead to his room his spots an old, pasty-looking camel.

 

"What's that camel for?" he asks.

 

"that camel is used when the men can't control their... 'urges', any longer" the commanding officer replies

 

The man stay stays in the fort for a couple months however one day he cannot control his frustration any longer, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!" he shouts to his soldiers.

 

The camel is led in, he shuts the door and bangs it every way possible.

 

Satisfied he buckles his pants up and asks the commanding officer "is that how everyone else does it?"

 

"Well... the rest of us just ride it to the brothel in town" the Commanding Officer replies.

[maryportfuncity 10,662]

John Terry vodka,

 

made in England,

 

bottled in Moscow

[maryportfuncity 10,662]

A man walks into a corner shop and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?"

 

The lady behind the till gets him the KitKat Chunky he asked for and brings it back to him...

 

"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch!"