Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,218 Posted July 27, 2008 Very old and done to death but.... Whats the difference between a Dog and a Fox? 8 Pints. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
honez 79 Posted August 6, 2008 NO SEX TONIGHT! Date: 2005-02-18, 9:18AM PST I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?" I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
themaninblack 2,112 Posted August 19, 2008 President George Bush is informed that Russia have invaded Georgia. "Good God" he said. "Let me know if they reach Atlanta!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,639 Posted August 22, 2008 The award for the best one-line gag at the Edinburgh Festival went to a crack about Amy Winehouse, the comedian quipping he couldn't see the point of her self-harming when she was such an obnoxious bitch that it would be easy to get someone to do it for her. Had a couple of days in Edinburgh and caught some very mediocre comedy. The otherwise forgettable Maff Brown did provide a suberb one-liner though. Round faced, with black curly hair: Maff quipped that the first time he went down on a woman he froze, because for a second he thought he was looking in a mirror. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
themaninblack 2,112 Posted August 29, 2008 The award for the best one-line gag at the Edinburgh Festival went to a crack about Amy Winehouse, the comedian quipping he couldn't see the point of her self-harming when she was such an obnoxious bitch that it would be easy to get someone to do it for her. Had a couple of days in Edinburgh and caught some very mediocre comedy. The otherwise forgettable Maff Brown did provide a suberb one-liner though. Round faced, with black curly hair: Maff quipped that the first time he went down on a woman he froze, because for a second he thought he was looking in a mirror. British comedy needs a kick up the arse. It needs a 'Beyond the Fringe' style revolution IMO... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,639 Posted September 1, 2008 The Beckhams have invited Gary Glitter to spend some time on their yacht sailing around Europe. Gary's jumped at the chance as he cant wait to come on their Cruz........... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,639 Posted September 2, 2008 Went to Shropshire last night and tried to order a cold beer. 'We're a bit short of that,' said the barman, 'but we've got plenty of warm Fosters.' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,639 Posted September 3, 2008 archbishop of canterbury has finally got his way brtish weather has been declared Halibut its partly sunni........but mostly shi'ite!!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- your partner is on all fours with cum dripping from his/her arse and both corners of his/her mouth, what does this tell you??? your floor's level Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
CarolAnn 926 Posted September 5, 2008 Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married, and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives. http://' target="_blank"> After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role-playing. The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!" The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!" The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask." "Well?!," exclaimed the other two. "What happened?!" "When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Terminator 13 Posted September 5, 2008 Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married, and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives. <a href="http://" target="_blank"></a> After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role-playing. The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!" The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!" The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask." "Well?!," exclaimed the other two. "What happened?!" "When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'" This could equally apply to a religion, another religion and a Halibut. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,639 Posted September 17, 2008 I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled." Unbelievable what some people are into. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie. They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do. After several years of casual sex all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself. It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened. Well, a couple more months went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So they buried Debbie Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
xzandra 0 Posted September 17, 2008 a bit crap i know... what do you call a pakistani carpenter? ahmed ashed Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
xzandra 0 Posted September 17, 2008 a woman is reading the latest copy of heat, they have a section this week on how to easily spot genital problems. so the woman thinks oooh i'll try this .... Heats top tip is to stand feet apart over a mirror and look down to try and identify if you have any of these problems with your lady bits.. the woman goes upstairs and takes the mirror off the bathroom wall and stands above it. at this point her husband who has come in is unable to find her goes upstairs to the bathroom where the light is on.... "what are you doing?" he says peering round the door " oh just checking for problems... with my lady bits, why? " " well isnt that dangerous standing that close...." " why what do you mean????" she says "well ... it's just with a hole that big you might fall down it!..." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
xzandra 0 Posted September 17, 2008 Q:why is the queens head allways featured on stamps? A: because if it were her arse no one would lick it! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
xzandra 0 Posted September 17, 2008 how did darth vader know what luke skywalker was getting for xmas? he felt his presence .... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Gunjaman5000 30 Posted September 18, 2008 What's better than winning the one hundred metres at the special olympics? Walking. Anyone have a spare coat? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
honez 79 Posted September 22, 2008 Little Johnny walks in on his mum and dad having sex in bed. Mum's on top, but quickly dismounts and wraps the sheets around herself. "What were you and dad just doing, mum?" Johnny asks. "Oh, erm, daddy's got a big tummy, so I was just helping to flatten it," she says. Johnny laughs. "That'll never work silly! The babysitter just blows it back it up when you're at work." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,639 Posted September 25, 2008 Not so much a joke as a quip overheard in the office: It's pointless saying an apple a day keeps the doctor away. There are so many Islamic people in medicine these days, it should be changed to a bacon sandwich. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,639 Posted September 25, 2008 Today, the parents of the Paralympic Swimming Gold medal winning schoolgirl heroine Eleanor Symonds strongly denied they were expecting another baby. "When we said we were looking forward to the patter of tiny feet, we meant we couldn't wait to welcome Ellie back home," they said. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Godot 149 Posted September 29, 2008 Just thought I'd share this sent to me in an email: ECONOMICS EXPLAINED WITH COWS Socialism You have two cows. You give one to your neighbour. Communism You have two cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk. Fascism You have two cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk. Nazism You have two cows. The State takes both and shoots you. Bureaucracy You have two cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away. Capitalism You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. Surrealism You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons. A US corporation You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why your cow has dropped dead. Enron venture capitalism You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights for six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new President of the United States, leaving you with ten cows. No balance sheet is provided with the release. The public then buys your bull. The Andersen model You have two cows. You shred them. A French corporation You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads because you want three cows. A Japanese corporation You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow but produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide. A German corporation You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves. An Italian Corporation You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch. A Russian Corporation You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have two cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. A Swiss corporation You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you, but you get to charge the owners for storing them. A Chinese corporation You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation, and run him over with a tank in a large open square area. An Indian Corporation You have two cows. You worship them. A British Corporation You have two cows. One is mad so you shoot the other in case it goes mad too. An Iraqi Corporation Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the hell out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy. A New Zealand Corporation You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive. An Australian Corporation You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Guest_tick tock_* Posted October 1, 2008 A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
deathofapotato 0 Posted October 2, 2008 Just thought I'd share this sent to me in an email: The Andersen model You have two cows. You shred them. I don't understand this bit. Can someone explain it please? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
honez 79 Posted October 2, 2008 Just thought I'd share this sent to me in an email:The Andersen model You have two cows. You shred them. I don't understand this bit. Can someone explain it please? See this report for a brief run down. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
