maryportfuncity 10,646 Posted February 18, 2009 Alfie Patten the 13 year old father has joined Fathers For Justice. He said: "It makes sense really, as i allready have a Spiderman costume" 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Geronimo 3 Posted February 18, 2009 Alfie Patten the 13 year old father has joined Fathers For Justice. He said: "It makes sense really, as I already have a Spiderman costume" MPFC, you've been gagged. My own theory is that Alfie belongs to Jade Goody from a long term relationship with Max Clifford. The new restrictions mean I can't publish supporting evidence here but just look at the likenesses. He's the spit of Max. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,101 Posted February 20, 2009 A blonde walks into a chemist and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any." "But I always get it here," says the blonde. "Do you have the container it comes in?" "Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant." The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Raskolnikov 0 Posted February 23, 2009 A man entered a restaurant, sat down, and it wasn't long before an extremely attractive, busty blonde waitress came over to his table. "What would you like sir?" She asked. The man looked her straight in the eye and said "I'd like a quickie please" "I beg your pardon!" She gasped. "That's right" he replied, "a quickie". "How dare you!" she shouted, before storming off. Five minutes later, she came back over to his table and said, "OK, I've calmed down a bit now so hopefully you're going to be sensible about this and tell me what you really want" "I haven't changed my mind" the man said, "I'd still like a quickie" This time the waitress slapped him hard before storming off. Ten minutes later, noticing that the man was still sitting at his table, the waitress went over to him once more. "Right, this is your final chance, so I'll ask you one last time what you want, otherwise I'm going to report you to the police" "But I still want a quickie" he protested, seconds before he was unceremoniously slapped again by the outraged waitress, who stormed off to ring the police. At this point, a fellow diner, who had overheard everything decided to lean over to the bewildered man and whispered "I think it's pronounced quiche" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,646 Posted February 27, 2009 Things are surely getting bad in banking. I went into my bank to pay some money in today, the tellers all had stockings over their heads! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,101 Posted February 28, 2009 Why don't you ever see blind people sky dive? Because it scares the sh*t out of their dog. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lard Bazaar 3,799 Posted February 28, 2009 What does a Scouse woman do with her twat after sex? Drops him off at Anfield. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,101 Posted February 28, 2009 A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico .. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?' The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!' The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.' The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.' The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.' The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,646 Posted March 6, 2009 POLICE IN LAHORE HAVE JUST FINISHED COUNTING THE BULLETS FROM THE SHOOTING EARLIER THIS WEEK. THE FINAL RESULT ........366 FOR 7 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An Irishman was found dead of starvation outside a cinema. He had been queuing to see: Closed until further notice. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lard Bazaar 3,799 Posted March 6, 2009 Jewish man walks into Asda, slaps his cock on the counter and says 'bet you can't roll that back'. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,646 Posted March 6, 2009 Man walks into a library and asks for a book on Tourette's. The librarian says, "F**k off, you c**t." The man says, "Yep, that's the one." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A daughter and her mother and grandmother are all prostitutes and are sat having dinner Daughter says "I have just made £50 for giving a blowjob" Mother says "It was only £5 in my day" Gran says "In my day we were just glad of the warm drink" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,646 Posted March 11, 2009 Why did the monkey get lost? Coz jungle is massive!!! TIP: It helps to tell the joke to people 35 years old and younger, and deliver the second line with a cod-West Indian accent and a hefty shaking of one hand. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
deadsox 894 Posted March 14, 2009 A man calls the Emergency Medical Services and says "I think my wife may be dead". The operator asks why he thinks so. He says "Well the sex is the same but the dishes are piling up". Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lard Bazaar 3,799 Posted March 14, 2009 Husband hires a hitman to kill his wife. Hitman says 'I'll shoot her just under the left tit' Husband says 'I want her dead, not kneecapped'. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Guest Posted March 14, 2009 Finally some good news for Jade Goody. Her hair dryer sold for twenty quid on ebay. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
honez 79 Posted March 15, 2009 "Quick, pack your suitcase, I won the Lottery!" an excited husband said to his wife. "What should I pack? Beachwear or Ski gear?" squeals the delighted wife. "Both. I'm throwing anything else you leave behind onto the front lawn." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
themaninblack 2,112 Posted March 15, 2009 "Quick, pack your suitcase, I won the Lottery!" an excited husband said to his wife."What should I pack? Beachwear or Ski gear?" squeals the delighted wife. "Both. I'm throwing anything else you leave behind onto the front lawn." I think that joke has been told on this thread before, but with a slightly more brutal pay off line... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,646 Posted March 15, 2009 Jack Tweed walks in to a library and asks for a book on spiritualism. The librarian says; "f**k off, you might bring her back." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What will Jade Goody be doing next Christmas? Baby sitting for David Cameron. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lard Bazaar 3,799 Posted March 15, 2009 A daughter and her mother and grandmother are all prostitutes and are sat having dinnerDaughter says "I have just made £50 for giving a blowjob" Mother says "It was only £5 in my day" Gran says "In my day we were just glad of the warm drink" Mary, thank you - I related this joke to a friend yesterday, and we both spent a full ten minutes absolutely pissing our pants with laughter. In fact I had to start retelling it three times because I could not get the words out for laughing. I wanted to share our moment with you Keep em coming, cowboy! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Die 63 Posted March 26, 2009 They have started showing the Flintstones in the Middle East. Apparently the people in Dubai don't like it. Thankfully, though the people in Abu Dhabi do. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,646 Posted March 27, 2009 They have started showing the Flintstones in the Middle East. Apparently the people in Dubai don't like it. Thankfully, though the people in Abu Dhabi do. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Handrejka 1,903 Posted March 27, 2009 A man is on the roof of a house in a flood, refusing all offers of help because his faith in Jesus would save him. He drowned, went straight to Jesus, and said "Lord, What was the about?", to which Jesus replied "I sent a f*****g dinghy, speedboat, and helicopter; what more do you WANT?". Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,646 Posted March 31, 2009 I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?" I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to f**k off." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,646 Posted April 2, 2009 Quick Word Game Turn "SEAL" into "COAT" in four moves SEAL _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ COAT answer: SEAL CLUB CLUB CLUB CLUB COAT Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
VSBfromH 74 Posted April 2, 2009 I went to a zoo the other day. There was only one dog. It was a shitzu. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
