maryportfuncity 10,657 Posted November 25, 2010 Mrs MPFC was tut-tutting over my shoulder as I chortled my way through this thread. But, as I explained to her, dark humour isn't everyone's cup of freshly liquidised aborted foetus. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
time 8,620 Posted December 4, 2010 Jokes from around the world. Some are familiar, some don't translate well, some raise a smile, but worth a look if you've a spare 10 minutes. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,657 Posted December 7, 2010 Two coprphiliacs met on a blind date. It was love at first shite! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,657 Posted December 19, 2010 I remember my teacher telling me that looking out of the window wouldn't get me anywhere. Did I have a smug look on my face later on in life when I handed him his Burger and fries at the drive through. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,657 Posted January 10, 2011 American supermarkets are incredible places, I went into the Tucson Safeway, & was totally blown away Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,106 Posted February 3, 2011 Did you know that Sean Connery's 80 Roger Moore's 83 Pierce Brosnan's 57 Daniel Craig's 42....oh yeah! To explain, I'm really into Bond Age Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
sympathyforthedevil 11 Posted February 5, 2011 I remember my teacher telling me that looking out of the window wouldn't get me anywhere. Did I have a smug look on my face later on in life when I handed him his Burger and fries at the drive through. This joke doesn't really work though, because working at a McDonalds/Burger King isn't really "getting somewhere" in life. Please do bette next time. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Godot 149 Posted February 5, 2011 I remember my teacher telling me that looking out of the window wouldn't get me anywhere. Did I have a smug look on my face later on in life when I handed him his Burger and fries at the drive through. This joke doesn't really work though, because working at a McDonalds/Burger King isn't really "getting somewhere" in life. Please do bette next time. I've been looking at this rider for the irony or maybe double irony, knowing wit or something, anything that can prevent me from saying: "Lord spare us and save us." If I'm missing something I can take it on the chin. But if this really is the dumb arse comment I think it is, all I can say is please don't apply for a job at McDonalds. They have standards. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,657 Posted February 7, 2011 Just asked my barber for a Justin Bieber haircut. Fucking twat just shaved my pubes off Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RIP Wee Jum 1,559 Posted February 7, 2011 Jamie Carragher has been arrested at Stamford Bridge, for questioning. He told police he didnt realise he had 50 million quid in his pocket!! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Godot 149 Posted February 11, 2011 A chap in the street caught a taxi going by. The cabbie said: "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian." Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Brian. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian, every single time." Passenger: "He must have had some faults, surely." Cabbie: "Not Brian. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian , he could do everything right." Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then." Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man. He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian. Passenger: "Amazing. How do you know him?" Cabbie: "I never met Brian. He died. I'm married to his fucking widow." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
sympathyforthedevil 11 Posted February 12, 2011 A chap in the street caught a taxi going by. The cabbie said: "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian." Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Brian. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian, every single time." Passenger: "He must have had some faults, surely." Cabbie: "Not Brian. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian , he could do everything right." Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then." Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man. He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian. Passenger: "Amazing. How do you know him?" Cabbie: "I never met Brian. He died. I'm married to his fucking widow." don't get it. (Godot, who already thinks I have no sense of humour, is gonna have a field day here..) Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
honez 79 Posted February 23, 2011 Best pick up line ever; "Does this smell like chloroform to you?" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,657 Posted March 13, 2011 Without a dictionary around I struggle to spell Tsunami, will this do instead? >_< ... O_O Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,657 Posted March 17, 2011 Myself and The Voice of Young Maryport are currently taking much pleasure in the mirthful comments directed at Paul Ross merchandise on Amazon. Enjoy! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
sympathyforthedevil 11 Posted March 17, 2011 Myself and The Voice of Young Maryport are currently taking much pleasure in the mirthful comments directed at Paul Ross merchandise on Amazon. Enjoy! Some classics there it has to be said. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,657 Posted March 21, 2011 Ironic, mind...fish eating raw Japanese. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Grendel 139 Posted April 1, 2011 Best April Fool by the media I have read today, Windsor avert your eyes Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Windsor 2,233 Posted April 1, 2011 Best April Fool by the media I have read today, Windsor avert your eyes That is nothing compared to what I saw on television yesterday. I was watching the Fern show on Channel 4 (don't judge me) when all of a sudden there was a mock picture of the Queen sitting on the loo. Scandalous! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
honez 79 Posted April 2, 2011 Best April Fool by the media I have read today, Windsor avert your eyes That is nothing compared to what I saw on television yesterday. I was watching the Fern show on Channel 4 (don't judge me) when all of a sudden there was a mock picture of the Queen sitting on the loo. Scandalous! With a title of "Royal Flush" no doubt. Boom tsch. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,657 Posted April 3, 2011 Top Sickipedia crack this weekend was the one about the streets of Bradford being so quiet during the Cricket World Cup Final that they filmed an episode of Midsomer Murders there. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,657 Posted April 13, 2011 Simon Cowell was arrested in France today for wearing a veil. Apparently he has now been released without charge after the French police quickly realised their mistake. He was actually wearing black jeans and a black hat. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Godot 149 Posted April 13, 2011 There are two owls on Twitter. One says: "I am going to send two tweets''. The other says "Two tweets to who?". Well it tickled me but then it doesn't take much. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Falkekopf 50 Posted April 14, 2011 Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. The shaking driver then said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me." The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly." The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,657 Posted April 27, 2011 How does Stephen Hawking ejaculate? CTRL + V BBC NEWS: Cheryl Cole UK tour cancelled. The man who presses play has broken his finger? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
