A Joke

[G. Love 0]

Yes! 20 pages and no-one's used any of my jokes! Not exactly death-related, but it beats debating gender. Okay. here goes...

 

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

 

 

 

 

Gang rape.

 

*****

 

Three tampons were walking down the road. Colin, Chris and Craig. Which one spoke to you first?

 

 

 

 

 

None of them, they're all stuck up c**ts.

 

*****

 

Why did the washing machine laugh?

 

 

 

 

 

It was taking the piss out of your knickers.

[Lady Die 63]

Capt. Oates, Ladys Die and Grendel, Boudicca and Josco,

take a seat before opening this.

Strictly speaking, I'm not a "Lady".

 

I'm quite sure that goes double for Josco.

Josco might be laydee

[Josco 49]

Capt. Oates, Ladys Die and Grendel, Boudicca and Josco,

take a seat before opening this.

Strictly speaking, I'm not a "Lady".

 

I'm quite sure that goes double for Josco.

Josco might be laydee

I'm not a lady, and neither is my wife.

 

(With thanks to Monty Python's Life Of Brian)

[Lady Die 63]

Capt. Oates, Ladys Die and Grendel, Boudicca and Josco,

take a seat before opening this.

Strictly speaking, I'm not a "Lady".

 

I'm quite sure that goes double for Josco.

Josco might be laydee

I'm not a lady, and neither is my wife.

 

(With thanks to Monty Python's Life Of Brian)

Not even a laydee?

[Boudicca 702]

I hate her for dying and spoiling this joke:

 

Q: What goes in and out and stinks of piss?

 

A: The Queen Mother doing the Hokey Cokey.

[Lady Grendel 139]

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:

 

1. High fever

2. Congestion

3. Nausea

4. Fatigue

5. Aching in the joints

6. An irresistible urge to S**t on someone's windshield

[VileBody 11]

I hate her for dying and spoiling this joke:

 

Q: What goes in and out and stinks of piss?

 

A: The Queen Mother doing the Hokey Cokey.

You should complain, sweetie - what about my dead pope and the Irishman joke...

[Boudicca 702]

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

 

He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

 

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

 

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

 

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

 

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

 

"Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man.

 

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

40 Pikeys (if you're American read 'Mexican' for Pikey).

 

40 Pikeys are on a coach trip. The coach crashes, they all die and end up at the pearly gates. St Peter appears. 'What are you lot doing?' he asks.

 

'We're dead, we're coming in,' says a Pikey.

 

'All of you?' says St Peter, 'I don't think so. Let me ring God.' St Peter gets out his mobile, nods a couple of times and finishes his chat. 'Alright,' he says, 'The Good Lord says we'll take ten of you. Sort it out amongst yourselves and I'll be back in a minute with the admissions book.'

 

The Pikeys start talking, St Peter hops off to get the book. A minute later he's back and he can't believe what he's seeing. He gets on the mobile.

 

'God,' he shouts, 'God, you won't believe it, they've gone.'

 

'What says God, the Pikeys have gone?'

 

'Yes,' says St Peter, 'But I wasn't meaning the Pikeys. I was talking about the gates.'

[Banshees Scream 110]

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

 

He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

If this is your joke Boudicca it is genius babe!

 

Lie clocks.....Sin clocks.....Swear clocks.....All based on the 10 commandments..

 

I suppose my clocks are really ticking.

[Banshees Scream 110]

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

A true comic queen you are Boudicca.

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

Q - Why did the baker have brown hands?

 

A - Cos he kneaded a S**t!

[Lady Die 63]

Mary had a little skirt

with splits right up the sides

and every time that Mary walked

the boys could see her thighs

Mary had another skirt

twas split right up the front

...but she didn't wear that one very often

 

Mary had a little lamb

Her father shot it dead.

Now it goes to school with her,

between two chunks of bread.

 

Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.

Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,

What have you got there?

Said the Pieman unto Simon,

Pies, you d*ickhead.

 

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the kings horses and all the kings men,

said "F*** him, He's only an egg.

 

Mary had a little lamb

It ran into a pylon.

10,000 volts went up it's ***

and turned it's wool to nylon

 

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.

kissed the girls and made them cry.

When the boys came out to play,

He kissed them too, cause he was gay.

 

Jack and Jill

Went up the hill

to have some hanky panky.

Silly Jill forgot her pill

And now there's little Franky.

 

Old Mother Hubbard

Went to the cupboard

to fetch her poor dog a bone.

When she bent over

Rover took over,

And gave her a bone of his own.

 

Little Boy Blew.

Hey. He needed the money.

[football_fan 42]

Those were some good nursery rhymes

[Lady Die 63]

Those were some good nursery rhymes

Not too suitable for the nursery though!

[Harvester Of Souls 40]

Apologies if someone has posted this further down the line... actually no. No apologies. I can't be arsed reading all 20 pages to check...

 

Here goes.

 

How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

 

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

 

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

 

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

 

1 to mark it 'Off Topic'

 

2 to argue about why it's not off topic if you started the thread

 

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

 

5 to flame the spell checkers

 

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

 

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

 

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

 

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

 

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb forum

 

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

 

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

 

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

 

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

 

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

 

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

 

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

 

13 to say "do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

 

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again

 

1 to tell us he has the remakable power to predict jokes

 

Is there anyone on DL this doesn't apply to?

[honez 79]

What's the difference between a Harley Davidson and a Hoover?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The position of the dirt bag.

[Captain Oates 21]

.........snip

Is there anyone on DL this doesn't apply to?

 

.....plus a ranter to tell us that Fidel Castro does it better

.....and 17 guests.

[Josco 49]

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

 

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

 

The man replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

 

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

 

"No,! what do you mean?" says the newcomer."You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart,it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

 

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?", she says.

 

The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

 

"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

 

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day."

[Lady Die 63]

What's the difference between a Harley Davidson and a Hoover?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The position of the dirt bag.

[Lady Die 63]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.

 

It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates, said Saint Peter.

 

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

 

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's knickers. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just how do those symbolize Christmas?"

 

The man replied, "They're Carols."

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

Gary Glitter rings up Roman Polanski, 'Got me a new woman,' says Glitter.

 

'Oh yeah,' says Polanski, 'What's she like?'

 

'She's fifteen,' says Glitter.

 

''Fifteen!' says Polanski, that's sick.

 

'You don't understand,' says Glitter, 'She's got the body of a twelve year old.'

[Harvester Of Souls 40]

Gary Glitter returns home to find his girlfriend packing her bags.

 

"I'm Leaving!" she cries "I've Just Heard On The News You're A Paedophile!"

 

"Woah!!" he replies "That's A Pretty Big Word For A Ten Year Old!"

[Lady Die 63]

An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelt the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and, with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were dozens of his favourite cheese scones.

Was it heaven?? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, he could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. . . . . . "Feck off!" she said, "they're for the funeral!"

[Cowboy Ronnie 78]

A man walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep. His wife is sitting up in bed, reading.

 

The man says, "This is the pig I f*@£ when you've got a headache".

 

His wife looks up and says, "I think you'll find that's a sheep".

 

The husband replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."