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I have just been diagnosed with ADHD. Apparently, this condition can lie dormant in oh look a squirrel!

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The top 10 jokes at this year's Edinburgh Fringe:

  1. Olaf Falafel I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have Florets.
  2. Richard Stott Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy."
  3. Milton Jones What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh.
  4. Jake Lambert A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. That's 20 cows'.
  5. Ross Smith A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it.
  6. Ross Smith Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning.
  7. Adele Cliff I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it.
  8. Richard Pulsford After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging.
  9. Mark Simmons To be or not to be a horse rider, that is equestrian.
  10. Ivo Graham I've got an Eton-themed Advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts.

 

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2 minutes ago, Cat O'Falk said:

The top 10 jokes at this year's Edinburgh Fringe:

  1. Olaf Falafel I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have Florets.
  2. Richard Stott Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy."
  3. Milton Jones What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh.
  4. Jake Lambert A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. That's 20 cows'.
  5. Ross Smith A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it.
  6. Ross Smith Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning.
  7. Adele Cliff I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it.
  8. Richard Pulsford After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging.
  9. Mark Simmons To be or not to be a horse rider, that is equestrian.
  10. Ivo Graham I've got an Eton-themed Advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts.

 

 

Most of these are great, but I would have put the winner in 10th place.

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2 and 6 are my favourite. 

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Not sure if this has been posted before


How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.:)#

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68427570_3430764456995806_3283448351139299328_n.thumb.jpg.27ec54edbedf5b2816b34aede3d68e28.jpg

 

Ok, so it's american in origin. Sue me.

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Following a diagnosis of celiac’s disease by HLA typing (a genetic test) from a gastrointestinal consulting Doctor on the NHS. I’ve been on a gluten-free diet for a month now and... I'm already an extremely annoying cunt.

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What is Don Johnson's favorite TV show? TeleTubbs

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Classic rock joke...

 

What has more brains than Kurt Cobain?

 

The wall behind him.

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What do you have for breakfast at the Dignatas clinic?

 

A bowl of Cheerio's of course.

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On 28/08/2019 at 22:58, maryportfuncity said:

Classic rock joke...

 

What has more brains than Kurt Cobain?

 

The wall behind him.

Got it. That's why Pink Floyd's wall is pink

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Classic rock joke...

 

What did Mother Mary say to her beloved infant son Jesus?

 

"OK sonny, you'd better get your arsehole  well lubricated They're coming! "

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Missed this at the time so likely best here now:

 

Geoffrey Hayes from Rainbow has died.

"I don't even remember the cunt being in the band, " said Ritchie Blackmore.

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Tbh this even made me wince - what do our other readers think?

 

69985111_10156310690407181_6500476720968

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Told to me earlier today by my nephew.

 

What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?

Spoiler

An investigator.

 

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Religion is about cultivating a more peaceful mind, so it’s disappointing if it becomes a source of conflict. Our traditions share a common message of love and compassion, patience and tolerance. If we also remember the advice about forgiveness, there’ll be no basis for conflict.

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2 minutes ago, Tibet-Lama said:

Religion is about cultivating a more peaceful mind, so it’s disappointing if it becomes a source of conflict. Our traditions share a common message of love and compassion, patience and tolerance. If we also remember the advice about forgiveness, there’ll be no basis for conflict.

 

What Christmas cracker did you get that out of?

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As a human being I am committed to trying to share with others that we are social creatures, because of which, whether we are religious believers or not, we need a sense of concern for others’ well-being.

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One of the lessons we need to learn is how to cultivate those positive emotions that counter destructive emotions like anger and fear. Compassion, for example, brings self-confidence and the ability to act transparently. It strengthens trust which is the ground for friendship.

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Or was a conjunction in English grammar. How did it manage to get rich?

 

It put on a vest and became an investor.

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How did Jesus travel to India?

 

He just rode his ass. (Ok this joke may be funnier in Finnish)

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44 minutes ago, bladan said:

Or was a conjunction in English grammar. How did it manage to get rich?

 

It put on a vest and became an investor.

 

Nah, it just moved to France.

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5 minutes ago, Toast said:

 

Nah, it just moved to France.

 

And became yellowor?

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