Jump to content

Recommended Posts

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This is possibly the worst joke I have ever heard:

 

Q) What do you call a man with no arms and legs lying on a beach?

 

A) Bob

 

:o

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I have been telling that joke for YEARS, but about Quebec rather than an entire country.

Speaking of Quebec, this joke is a little dated but when I heard it several years ago I laughed my socks off:

 

Why did Lucien Bouchard have a map of Canada tattooed onto his ass?

 

So that every time he bends over, Quebec separates.

 

For all you Canadians out there...

  • Thanks 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
This is possibly the worst joke I have ever heard:

 

Q) What do you call a man with no arms and legs lying on a beach?

 

A) Bob

 

:angry:

This one is worse, though Windsor is unlikely to understand it:

 

What do you call a Parkinson's sufferer under a pile of leaves?

 

Russel.

 

:ph34r:

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posh and Becks are met by their driver at Heathrow on their return from a week in New York:

 

"Stay anywhere good in New York, Mr Beckham?"

 

"Yeah, it was like really nice - I'm trying to remember its name...here, I know, wassa name of that famous London railway station?"

 

"Er, Waterloo, Sir?"

 

"Nah...not that one..."

 

"Charing Cross? Paddington?"

 

"Nah..."

 

"Kings Cross? Liverpool Street? Victoria?"

 

"Victoria! That's it, brilliant! - Victoria, wassa name of that hotel what we stayed in?"

  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall?

 

 

Art.

 

 

Oh hell, we're back to that self-opinionated excuse for a celebrity Mr Garfunkel. I'm out of here.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall?

 

 

Art.

 

 

Oh hell, we're back to that self-opinionated excuse for a celebrity Mr Garfunkel. I'm out of here.

At least with no arms, he can't write anymore poetry :angry:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Did he ever START writing poetry? Guess it's a matter of judgement.

 

A nice little physical joke to play on your work mates. You'll need to be casually drinking from a bottle of water as you do it.

 

Knock knock.

 

Who's there?

 

Sue.

 

Sue who?

 

 

AT THIS POINT THROW SOME WATER OVER THEM

 

Tsunami!!!!!!

 

HILARITY ENSUES. Unless you've just doused Dickie Attenborough.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

For the sake of completeness:

 

What do you call a man with a shovel stuck in his head?

 

Doug.

 

 

What do you call a man without a shovel stuck in his head?

 

Douglas.

 

 

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who can swim 100 metres in 30 seconds?

 

Clever Dick.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A man with no arms and no legs is swimming the English Channel. Half a mile from France he turns to the support boat and says: I can't go on.

 

Are you sure? They ask.

 

Yeah, he says, the cramp has spread to both of my ears.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest the authority

Here is a quaint little anti-American jibe. I`m paraphrasing - this may not be the exact words used in the joke but it goes something like this..........

 

 

During the 1950`s space race, NASA discovered that normal pens would not work in space due to the lack of gravity there.

 

So, the US government got all the greatest scientists in the country to come and work for NASA to solve the problem. After a period of 10 years and after spending $ 50 million, they had designed a pen which could work for any given amount of gravity, in any temperature, any pressure, underwater and could write on any conceivable surface.

 

The Russians used a pencil.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Here is a quaint little anti-American jibe. I`m paraphrasing - this may not be the exact words used in the joke but it goes something like this..........

 

 

During the 1950`s space race, NASA discovered that normal pens would not work in space due to the lack of gravity there.

 

So, the US government got all the greatest scientists in the country to come and work for NASA to solve the problem. After a period of 10 years and after spending $ 50 million, they had designed a pen which could work for any given amount of gravity, in any temperature, any pressure, underwater and could write on any conceivable surface.

 

The Russians used a pencil.

Encore!!!!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

An eskimo has his snowmobile break down while riding past a small town in Alaska. He takes it to the repair shop and is told to come back in about an hour.

When he come back, the mechanic says: "It looks like you have blown a seal."

The eskimo answers: "Err... No, that's just a little frost on my mustache."

 

:(

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Q)Whats big and white and sits at the bottom of your bed taking the piss out of you?

 

A)A kidney dialasis machine.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm not bread yet? - My signature has fallen victim to the moderators once more - Oh well - looks like the jokes on me ;)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey moderators - Boudicca asked you a question - am I white or brown?

 

Hold the Michael Jackson jokes please.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

'I'm not brown bread yet'

 

Thanks for the clarification there.

By the way its my birthday today (28th July). Only 82 more to go until I get my telegram.

 

By the way this wasn't an excuse for attention. ;)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Paul McCartney's just bought his wife a plane.

 

She's already got a Ladyshave for the other leg.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
By the way its my birthday today (28th July). Only 82 more to go until I get my telegram.

Happy Birthday!

 

:pop:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Happy Birthday!

 

:pop:

Ah finally - some positive attention!

 

Thank you Boudicca.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest IYG
By the way this wasn't an excuse for attention. :pop:

No comment on that.

 

Happy birthday.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So where exactly is the alleged joke?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
By the way its my birthday today (28th July). Only 82 more to go until I get my telegram.

Happy Birthday!

 

:pop:

Belated Happy Birthday. Are you really only 18? That makes me feel geriatric.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Visited a friends today, and they had a copy of The Sun. About the best bit in it (apart from some photo's of Orlaith from Big Brother :P ) was this joke.

 

End of the summer holidays, and Primary 4 class (9/10 year olds for those not familar with UK education system) return to school. The teachers, Miss Jones, says to them all

'Children, now you are in primary 4, we don't use baby words anymore - only grown up words. So, Jane, what did you do during your holiday?'

'I went to visit my nana, miss'

'No Jane, not nana, you went to visit your grandmother. Remember, grown up words! And Samantha, what about you?'

'I went on a choo-choo, miss'

'No Samantha - you went on a train. Grown-up words!!'

A little boy at the back, Jack, puts up his hand.

'Yes, Jack?'

'I read a book, miss'

Suprised, the teachers said,

'And what book was that Jack?'

'It was Winnie the Sh1t, miss'

  • Thanks 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
For the sake of completeness:

 

What do you call a man with a shovel stuck in his head?

 

Doug.

 

 

What do you call a man without a shovel stuck in his head?

 

Douglas.

 

 

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who can swim 100 metres in 30 seconds?

 

Clever Dick.

Q. What do you call a man wearing two raincoats?

 

A. Max

 

Q. What do you call a man wearing two raincoats in a cemetary?

 

A. Max Bygraves.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

×

Important Information

Your use of this forum is subject to our Terms of Use