A Joke

[Teddy 21]

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[Windsor 2,233]

This is possibly the worst joke I have ever heard:

 

Q) What do you call a man with no arms and legs lying on a beach?

 

A) Bob

 

[in eternum+ 22]

I have been telling that joke for YEARS, but about Quebec rather than an entire country.

Speaking of Quebec, this joke is a little dated but when I heard it several years ago I laughed my socks off:

 

Why did Lucien Bouchard have a map of Canada tattooed onto his ass?

 

So that every time he bends over, Quebec separates.

 

For all you Canadians out there...

[Tuber Mirum 125]

This is possibly the worst joke I have ever heard:

 

Q) What do you call a man with no arms and legs lying on a beach?

 

A) Bob

 

This one is worse, though Windsor is unlikely to understand it:

 

What do you call a Parkinson's sufferer under a pile of leaves?

 

Russel.

 

[VileBody 11]

Posh and Becks are met by their driver at Heathrow on their return from a week in New York:

 

"Stay anywhere good in New York, Mr Beckham?"

 

"Yeah, it was like really nice - I'm trying to remember its name...here, I know, wassa name of that famous London railway station?"

 

"Er, Waterloo, Sir?"

 

"Nah...not that one..."

 

"Charing Cross? Paddington?"

 

"Nah..."

 

"Kings Cross? Liverpool Street? Victoria?"

 

"Victoria! That's it, brilliant! - Victoria, wassa name of that hotel what we stayed in?"

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall?

 

 

Art.

 

 

Oh hell, we're back to that self-opinionated excuse for a celebrity Mr Garfunkel. I'm out of here.

[Teddy 21]

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall?

 

 

Art.

 

 

Oh hell, we're back to that self-opinionated excuse for a celebrity Mr Garfunkel. I'm out of here.

At least with no arms, he can't write anymore poetry

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

Did he ever START writing poetry? Guess it's a matter of judgement.

 

A nice little physical joke to play on your work mates. You'll need to be casually drinking from a bottle of water as you do it.

 

Knock knock.

 

Who's there?

 

Sue.

 

Sue who?

 

 

AT THIS POINT THROW SOME WATER OVER THEM

 

Tsunami!!!!!!

 

HILARITY ENSUES. Unless you've just doused Dickie Attenborough.

[Tuber Mirum 125]

For the sake of completeness:

 

What do you call a man with a shovel stuck in his head?

 

Doug.

 

 

What do you call a man without a shovel stuck in his head?

 

Douglas.

 

 

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who can swim 100 metres in 30 seconds?

 

Clever Dick.

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

A man with no arms and no legs is swimming the English Channel. Half a mile from France he turns to the support boat and says: I can't go on.

 

Are you sure? They ask.

 

Yeah, he says, the cramp has spread to both of my ears.

[Guest the authority]

Here is a quaint little anti-American jibe. I`m paraphrasing - this may not be the exact words used in the joke but it goes something like this..........

 

 

During the 1950`s space race, NASA discovered that normal pens would not work in space due to the lack of gravity there.

 

So, the US government got all the greatest scientists in the country to come and work for NASA to solve the problem. After a period of 10 years and after spending $ 50 million, they had designed a pen which could work for any given amount of gravity, in any temperature, any pressure, underwater and could write on any conceivable surface.

 

The Russians used a pencil.

[Slave to the Grave 26]

Here is a quaint little anti-American jibe. I`m paraphrasing - this may not be the exact words used in the joke but it goes something like this..........

 

 

During the 1950`s space race, NASA discovered that normal pens would not work in space due to the lack of gravity there.

 

So, the US government got all the greatest scientists in the country to come and work for NASA to solve the problem. After a period of 10 years and after spending $ 50 million, they had designed a pen which could work for any given amount of gravity, in any temperature, any pressure, underwater and could write on any conceivable surface.

 

The Russians used a pencil.

Encore!!!!!

[Our Sole 5]

An eskimo has his snowmobile break down while riding past a small town in Alaska. He takes it to the repair shop and is told to come back in about an hour.

When he come back, the mechanic says: "It looks like you have blown a seal."

The eskimo answers: "Err... No, that's just a little frost on my mustache."

 

[Windsor 2,233]

Q)Whats big and white and sits at the bottom of your bed taking the piss out of you?

 

A)A kidney dialasis machine.

[Windsor 2,233]

I'm not bread yet? - My signature has fallen victim to the moderators once more - Oh well - looks like the jokes on me

[Windsor 2,233]

Hey moderators - Boudicca asked you a question - am I white or brown?

 

Hold the Michael Jackson jokes please.

[Windsor 2,233]

'I'm not brown bread yet'

 

Thanks for the clarification there.

By the way its my birthday today (28th July). Only 82 more to go until I get my telegram.

 

By the way this wasn't an excuse for attention.

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

Paul McCartney's just bought his wife a plane.

 

She's already got a Ladyshave for the other leg.

[Boudicca 702]

By the way its my birthday today (28th July). Only 82 more to go until I get my telegram.

Happy Birthday!

 

[Windsor 2,233]

Happy Birthday!

 

Ah finally - some positive attention!

 

Thank you Boudicca.

[Guest IYG]

By the way this wasn't an excuse for attention.

No comment on that.

 

Happy birthday.

[BrunoBrimley 86]

So where exactly is the alleged joke?

[Lady Die 63]

By the way its my birthday today (28th July). Only 82 more to go until I get my telegram.

Happy Birthday!

 

Belated Happy Birthday. Are you really only 18? That makes me feel geriatric.

[Teddy 21]

Visited a friends today, and they had a copy of The Sun. About the best bit in it (apart from some photo's of Orlaith from Big Brother ) was this joke.

 

End of the summer holidays, and Primary 4 class (9/10 year olds for those not familar with UK education system) return to school. The teachers, Miss Jones, says to them all

'Children, now you are in primary 4, we don't use baby words anymore - only grown up words. So, Jane, what did you do during your holiday?'

'I went to visit my nana, miss'

'No Jane, not nana, you went to visit your grandmother. Remember, grown up words! And Samantha, what about you?'

'I went on a choo-choo, miss'

'No Samantha - you went on a train. Grown-up words!!'

A little boy at the back, Jack, puts up his hand.

'Yes, Jack?'

'I read a book, miss'

Suprised, the teachers said,

'And what book was that Jack?'

'It was Winnie the Sh1t, miss'

[Clive's NOT Dunn 7]

For the sake of completeness:

 

What do you call a man with a shovel stuck in his head?

 

Doug.

 

 

What do you call a man without a shovel stuck in his head?

 

Douglas.

 

 

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who can swim 100 metres in 30 seconds?

 

Clever Dick.

Q. What do you call a man wearing two raincoats?

 

A. Max

 

Q. What do you call a man wearing two raincoats in a cemetary?

 

A. Max Bygraves.