A Joke

[maryportfuncity 10,639]

Why are Carlisle United like Baby P?

 

Cos they're always getting beaten at home.

[Lard Bazaar 3,799]

Why are Carlisle United like Baby P?

 

Cos they're always getting beaten at home.

 

I think that's twice you've made me wince with your jokes mary, well done!

[maryportfuncity 10,639]

An American walks into a Library.

 

15 dead.

[VSBfromH 74]

Manchester City have turned down an offer for Shaun Wright-Phillips. They've told Madonna he's not for sale.

[maryportfuncity 10,639]

Gareth Gates had to cancel his planned comeback concert in Chester tonight.

 

He got in a taxi to go to the gig but unfortunately he ended up in Chichester.

[time 8,586]

I was playing golf with a friend the other day and we caught up with two ladies at the short 13th. They generously let us play through as we were playing faster than them.

 

We reached the green and as my friend was about to putt, one of the ladies teed off and unexpectedly hit an absolutely beautiful shot. Caught my friend full-on.

 

Oh how he screamed, hand between his legs, rolling on the floor in agony.

 

Anyway, the ladies came running up, all apologetic and one of them says, "let me help, I'm a nurse", well my friend was in so much pain he couldn't speak so I said yes for him.

 

She laid him tenderly on his back, carefully undid his trousers, and delicately slid her hand inside.

 

Well, five minutes of gentle massaging and my friend certainly looked better and said to the lady, "thats marvellous, but I still think you broke my thumb!"

 

[Terminator 13]

Manchester City have turned down an offer for Shaun Wright-Phillips. They've told Madonna he's not for sale.

 

At least Madonna got to adopt something (recovery position)

[Anubis the Jackal 77]

A fine one, but best heard from the late Clement Freud

[Windsor 2,233]

They say you can only catch swine flu if you've been with an infected pig recently.

 

Jack Tweed must be shitting himself.

[Monoclinic 39]

They say you can only catch swine flu if you've been with an infected pig recently.

 

Jack Tweed must be shitting himself.

 

I think that's one of the symptoms (gets coat).

[To die for 3]

Someone who knows how to complain. Of course, although the writer appears to be intelligent and literate, he wasn't smart enough to realise that you're not supposed to taste the meal or even look at it closely and that reading any sort of airplane menu will only lead to confusion and a gastro identity crisis.

 

Its not food, you're just supposed to think that it is.

[Godot 149]

Someone who knows how to complain. Of course, although the writer appears to be intelligent and literate, he wasn't smart enough to realise that you're not supposed to taste the meal or even look at it closely and that reading any sort of airplane menu will only lead to confusion and a gastro identity crisis.

 

Its not food, you're just supposed to think that it is.

I suppose four months is a reasonable hiatus. Just for you CP.

[maryportfuncity 10,639]

He said to her . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?

 

He said to her . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

 

He said to her. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said to him . ...Turn sideways and look in the mirror!?

 

He said to her.. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?

She said to him .. . They don't have time

 

He said to her. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?

She said to him .. . They already have boyfriends.

 

She said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

He said. . A widow.

 

He said to her . .. . Why are 'married' women heavier than 'single' women?

She said to him . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[halleluyahjohntudor 5]

IRISH LOVE STORY

 

 

An elderly man lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

 

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

 

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

 

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left

this world a happy man?

 

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon ........................

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'F*** off' she said, 'they're for the funeral.'

 

A man lies on his deathbed, with his wife weeping beside him. 'I've had many happy years with you', he gasped, 'But you're still young and I want you to know that you deserve happiness and you shouldn't hesitate if the chance comes around to marry again'.

'I'd rather not talk about things like that', says the wife, through her tears.

'No', says the husband, 'I've thought carefully about this and the only thing I wouldn't like is if you let your future husband wear any of my clothes'.

'I wouldn't dream of it', says the wife, 'They don't fit him anyway'.

[Anubis the Jackal 77]

Apparently the folk from The Anaemia Society don't get on with the Leukaemia Research guys.

 

Lot of bad blood between them.

[maryportfuncity 10,639]

This deaf guy fell down a well........and broke three fingers shouting for help.

 

 

 

 

Mick & Paddy reading headstones near church, mick says "**** me theres a bloke here who was 152" Paddy says "christ, what was his name" Mick says "Miles from London"..

[maryportfuncity 10,639]

IT'S SO WRONG.....BUT SO RIGHT!

 

 

 

 

 

As Peter Andre and Katie price divorce, they start to divide the stuff up.

 

In the house, peter yells at Jordan "Do you want these bollocksed hair straighteners?"

Jordan replies from the garden shed "Yes, get your hands off. Do you want this stuffed up spade?"

 

"No, that's not mine, That's Dwight Yorkes!"

[Monoclinic 39]

What do you call a Serbian Prostitute?

 

Slobbadown Mecokyabitch

 

 

I cut through the cemetery on the way to work today, where I saw 4 men carrying a coffin round and round. On my way home I saw the same men carrying the same coffin and I thought to myself they've lost the f*cking plot.

[Geronimo 3]

Two goldfish in a tank.

 

One says to the other: "I'll drive, you man the gun."

[maryportfuncity 10,639]

Why is a branch of Asda like a meeting of people with Down's Syndrome?

 

Cos their jeans are shite.

[maryportfuncity 10,639]

Liverpool airport has been shut for the past 8 hours due to a "suspicious car".

 

Apparently it had tax, insurance and the radio was still in it.

[Geronimo 3]

Countryside - a word invented by Stephen Fry to describe the murder of Piers Morgan - were it to happen.

[maryportfuncity 10,639]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet.

 

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

 

This made him ....

 

 

 

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[maryportfuncity 10,639]

I've just discovered the work of the great Jim Norton, master of the insanely sick comedy list. Sample below:

 

 

 

Jim Norton owns you all with this list o' lists:

 

The 50 funniest moments in child pornography.

Women over 60 I've raped with a meat cleaver.

The 5 snappiest remarks I've made while videotaping a miscarriage.

My favorite 3 scenes in The Shining to masturbate to.

The 10 lamest excuses my girlfriend ever gave for not eating my donkey.

Pet names for my penis that rhyme with cesspool.

My favorite Scriptures to read aloud while teabagging a retarded girl.

The 4 best jobs my dad ever lost due to sodomy convictions.

Dinners my mother made that tasted worse than the diharreah of a cancer patient.

The 6 most racist things I've yelled out a car window.

Women with the worst smelling pussies, in order of ethnicity.

Trinkets I own made out of gorilla hands.

Fat girls I've stood up on New Year's Eve.

The 7 largest objects I've ever hidden in my asshole.

Women under 30 I'd like to slash with a razor.

Freudian slips I've had around burn victims.

The 10 most barbaric things I've done to the foreskin of an immigrant.

Neighborhoods I’ve been chased out of due to Megan’s Law.

The 5 prettiest girlfriends I ever lost by chasing them with doo doo on a stick.

Dreams I've shattered by driving drunk.

Women I've seen in snuff films that reminded me of Nicole Kidman.

Speech impediments I've tolerated during phone sex.

Embarrassing remarks that have been made regarding my genitals warts.

Good-natured anecdotes about the Columbine shootings.

Important political events I've spoiled by loudly defecating in my pants.

People I've made up AIDS rumors about, in order of how badly it ruined their lives.

Black churches I bombed in the south.

20 people I hope die of leukemia.

The 10 most erotic wrestling holds ever put on me by an older gentleman.

The 8 most disfigured people I ever beat up to impress a girl.

Celebrity face I've painted on my scrotum.

Inappropriate times I've screamed, "clown!" at my grandmother.

American League shortstops I want to suck off, in order of batting average.

My favorite songs to hum while gay bashing with a hammer claw.

The 5 nicest hineys I ever sniffed by accident.

Altzeimer patients I've bilked out of their life savings by posing as a relative.

The 15 dirtiest things I would do with Bob Dole's right arm.

Rectal itch creams I've received on my birthday, in order of effectiveness.

25 autistics I think are faking it.

Best selling poems I've written about clitoral circumcision.

The 3 foulest fluids ever dripped on me by a prostitute.

Dates I've had that wound up going to trial, in order of how badly they were asking for it.

My 5 most impressive achievements as a N.A.M.B.L.A. member.

Girls I’ve fingered in their sleep.

10 things I’ve done while babysitting that could me misconstrued.

Sexual fantasies I’ve had revolving around pig feces.

Under aged girls I’ve had erection difficulties with.

Girlfriends who’ve caught me 69ing with their fathers.

Parasites I’ve caught nesting in my pubic hair.

The 4 most inconvenient times a pigeon has excrement in my mouth.

The 6 most disgusting Port o Johns I’ve fallen into face first.

Relatives I’ve gotten erections with while slow dancing.

[Guest Guest_TickTock_*]

2 Halibuts have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London..........

 

 

Police think it may be the start of Ram a Dam