Paul Bearer 6,100 Posted November 1, 2009 Did Freddie do this one? My neighbours just found out that I'm on the sex offenders list and have demanded that I move out of the area as they fear that I am a danger to their son. Their son? I'm a paedophile, I'm not gay. No, he didn't. Maybe next season? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Madcow 6 Posted November 3, 2009 WARNING TO WOMEN ! No doubt you've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves. My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and then the bloody body thieves struck again. My bum was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new bum was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favour of long skirts. Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was drying my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to me next? When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts -stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you? THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS! P.S. Last year I thought some one had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband. Thought this was too 'important' not to pass on Have a wonderful day - with a joy filled heart BTW - These same thieves come into my wardrobe and drawers and shrink my clothes! How do they do it? ************************************************************************ Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lard Bazaar 3,799 Posted November 3, 2009 WARNING TO WOMEN ! No doubt you've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves. My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and then the bloody body thieves struck again. My bum was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new bum was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favour of long skirts. Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was drying my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to me next? When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts -stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you? THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS! P.S. Last year I thought some one had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband. Thought this was too 'important' not to pass on Have a wonderful day - with a joy filled heart BTW - These same thieves come into my wardrobe and drawers and shrink my clothes! How do they do it? ************************************************************************ Those thieving bastards have been to my house too! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,218 Posted November 3, 2009 WARNING TO WOMEN ! No doubt you've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves. My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and then the bloody body thieves struck again. My bum was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new bum was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favour of long skirts. Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was drying my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to me next? When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts -stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you? THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS! P.S. Last year I thought some one had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband. Thought this was too 'important' not to pass on Have a wonderful day - with a joy filled heart BTW - These same thieves come into my wardrobe and drawers and shrink my clothes! How do they do it? ************************************************************************ Those thieving bastards have been to my house too! Been to your house? I went to bed with a large Frankfurter and two big Walnuts. I woke up with a Chipolata and a couple of Acorns. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lard Bazaar 3,799 Posted November 3, 2009 WARNING TO WOMEN ! No doubt you've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves. My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and then the bloody body thieves struck again. My bum was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new bum was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favour of long skirts. Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was drying my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to me next? When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts -stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you? THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS! P.S. Last year I thought some one had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband. Thought this was too 'important' not to pass on Have a wonderful day - with a joy filled heart BTW - These same thieves come into my wardrobe and drawers and shrink my clothes! How do they do it? ************************************************************************ Those thieving bastards have been to my house too! Been to your house? I went to bed with a large Frankfurter and two big Walnuts. I woke up with a Chipolata and a couple of Acorns. That's no way to talk about your wife. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,639 Posted November 4, 2009 Saw David Mitchell was in trouble for cracking a one-liner that suggested Ann Frank's final diary entry read: 'Today is my birthday, Daddy bought me a drum kit.' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,639 Posted November 6, 2009 Is it all black people that have a problem with slavery? Or just mine? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
honez 79 Posted November 19, 2009 What's the difference between George Michael and a microwave oven? The microwave stops when you open the door. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,639 Posted November 20, 2009 Stephen Fry tweeted that he admired the news readers who kept a straight face as they mentioned Cockermouth, but some real comedians have got in on the act since with: I can't wait to see this new spermophagia porno everyone is talking about... Cockermouth flood. Live in Cumbria? Have you had thousands of pounds worth of damage done to your house? Well look on the bright side, at least you'll be able to get to work in record time by using your inbred, webbed fingers to swim there. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lard Bazaar 3,799 Posted November 21, 2009 Stephen Fry tweeted that he admired the news readers who kept a straight face as they mentioned Cockermouth, but some real comedians have got in on the act since with: I can't wait to see this new spermophagia porno everyone is talking about... Cockermouth flood. Live in Cumbria? Have you had thousands of pounds worth of damage done to your house? Well look on the bright side, at least you'll be able to get to work in record time by using your inbred, webbed fingers to swim there. Cumbria's near Norfolk, then? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,639 Posted November 29, 2009 I bought a new penis on e-bay, but it never came. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,639 Posted December 11, 2009 .:. .....: .:..: ..: ::. .. .:.: :... .:... :...:.: .:.: :::: ..:..: : .....:.. ....: ::..:: ..::.. ....:.....: .:.:.:.: :::...:: ::..:.... .. : ...: Merry Christmas, Love stevie Wonder. x Oh aye, and the 'Superstition' singer is appearing in a very special Christmas edition of 'I'm Sorry, I'll Feel That Again.' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Rotten Ali 600 Posted December 18, 2009 I'm working on this joke - it needs a re-write but it goes a bit like this: The real reason Tiger Woods says he is giving up playing in top line golf tournaments at the moment, is that he wants to fully concentrate on the next 9 holes without interference from the press. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,639 Posted December 18, 2009 Can't see the problem with Tiger Woods myself. Most wives would be happy with a husband who's willing to take out the trash. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Windsor 2,233 Posted December 19, 2009 The BBC told a brilliant joke today... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
themaninblack 2,112 Posted December 19, 2009 The BBC told a brilliant joke today... I was once told that Aberdeen was full of granite. Mind you, I could have mis-heard it.... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,100 Posted December 22, 2009 Council tax proposed increase A proposed council tax-evaluation policy will mean reassessment of current house values which will mean they will charge us more if we live in a nice area. That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas. There is a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of irritable dogs. Her car isn't taxed or insured and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing. Her bad-tempered old man is notorious for racist comments. A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and his son's girl-friend, but nothing has been proved. All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay. Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always out partying in nightclubs. They are out of control. I hate living near Windsor Castle. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,639 Posted December 24, 2009 "Knock knock" "Who's there?" "Santa" "Santa who?" "Santander... We're repossessing your house because you haven't paid the mortgage". Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,639 Posted February 13, 2010 Honest, I just met an Irishwoman who has two cnuts. She gave birth to Jedward. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,100 Posted February 14, 2010 Just bought an Alexander McQueen shirt! Bit tight round the neck......... but it hangs well Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TAFKAG 70 Posted February 17, 2010 Just bought an Alexander McQueen shirt! Bit tight round the neck......... but it hangs well Naturally, he hung himself in a wardrobe. It doesn't say if he ironed himself first. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,639 Posted February 17, 2010 I've taken advice to live each day like it's my last. Today I went to a hospice and shat myself Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Windsor 2,233 Posted February 17, 2010 Just bought an Alexander McQueen shirt! Bit tight round the neck......... but it hangs well Naturally, he hung himself in a wardrobe. It doesn't say if he ironed himself first. Irony-ed? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
To die for 3 Posted February 17, 2010 If it gets really bad you could always talk to yourself Windsor, this chap ended up in with Jerry!! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,639 Posted February 18, 2010 I felt sad so I called Samaritans and got transferred to a call centre in Pakistan Told them I was feeling suicidal...they got all excited and asked if I was a pilot? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
