RIP Wee Jum 1,559 Posted March 22, 2013 Not a joke, but quite amusing 4 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Body Snatcher 44 107 Posted March 23, 2013 I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dr. Zorders 1,271 Posted March 23, 2013 Agreed. It's the last acceptable form of bigotry. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Perfect Passing 277 Posted April 7, 2013 Register being read on the first day back at a school in Birmingham. The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:- "Mustafa Al Eih Zeri?" "Here" "Ahmed El Kabul?" "Here" "Fatima Al Hayek? " "Here" "Ali Abdul Olmi?" "Here" "Mohammed Bin Kadir?" "Here" "Ali Son al En" - silence in the classroom. "Ali Son al En" - continued silence as everyone looked around the room. The teacher repeated the call. A girl stood up and said, "Sorry teacher. I think that's me. It's pronounced Alison Allen. 7 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Eesti 151 Posted April 7, 2013 When a North Korean eats a Snickers bar they turn into a South Korean? When a North Korean eats anything they turn into a South Korean. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
EGN 121 Posted April 7, 2013 Anyway, a woman goes to the doctor complaining of a sore stomach. After a short examination, the doctor pops back to his desk, consults a textbook and says @well, madam, I hope you like changing nappies'. The woman, delighted, screams 'Oh my god, Doctor, do you mean it? I'm pregnant?' The dpctor, straightfaced, repies 'No, you have bowel cancer'. Boom boom. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Perfect Passing 277 Posted April 8, 2013 Ever wondered what the difference between Granny and Grandad is? A 5 year old Grandaughter is usually taken to her school, daily, by her Grandfather. When he had a bad cold, his wife took the Grandchild. That night she told her parents that the ride to school with Granny was very different! "What made it different?" asked her parents: "Well, Gran and I.... didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, dickhead, stupid prick or w***er anywhere on the way to school today!" 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Perfect Passing 277 Posted April 10, 2013 A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God She asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" (You'll love this) God replied: "Shit! I didn't recognize you." 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,102 Posted April 10, 2013 "The problem with quotes on the Internet is that you can't tell whether or not they're genuine" - Abraham Lincoln 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Magere Hein 1,400 Posted April 11, 2013 Just overheard the following: Boss walks into the office and announces a meeting in the meeting room. One employee asks him: "What are you going to do?". Before the boss has time to answer, another employee mutters, slightly too loud: "Have a wank in the dark." regards, Hein Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Perfect Passing 277 Posted April 15, 2013 A punter was at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt. He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race. Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses. The punter made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race. He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next. He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning. The punter was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on . True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of theday. This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The punter knew he had a winner and bet every penny he owned on the old nag. He watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in last. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was. Confronting Him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every penny of my savings!' The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.' 5 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Falkekopf 50 Posted April 19, 2013 It's just been disclosed that the Boston Marathon bombing was race related! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
themaninblack 2,112 Posted April 19, 2013 It's just been disclosed that the Boston Marathon bombing was race related! Which one? Boston's quite a melting pot... EDIT: Slow bastard alert. I wondered why it was on this thread! Carry on... 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,102 Posted April 19, 2013 In toytown, Noddys car gets towed for parking on a double yellow. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Perfect Passing 277 Posted April 19, 2013 Have you ever seen a twenty pound note all crumpled up?" asked the wife. "No," I said. She gave me a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note. "Have you ever seen a fifty pound note all crumpled up?" she asked. "No," I said. She gave me another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note. "Now," she said, "have you ever seen £30,000 all crumpled up?" "No," I said, intrigued. "Well just go and look in the garage"! 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RIP Wee Jum 1,559 Posted April 21, 2013 Yesterday was Hitler's 124th birthday. I notice Google didn't do a doodle. 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RIP Wee Jum 1,559 Posted April 21, 2013 Halibuts are an odd bunch. Today, for instance, I noticed one had left his ruck sack on the bus. I didn't get one word of thanks when I returned it to his house. 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,102 Posted April 21, 2013 Halibuts are an odd bunch. Today, for instance, I noticed one had left his ruck sack on the bus. I didn't get one word of thanks when I returned it to his house. Stealing this one 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
the_engineer 1,415 Posted April 22, 2013 Halibuts are an odd bunch. Today, for instance, I noticed one had left his ruck sack on the bus. I didn't get one word of thanks when I returned it to his house. This jokes the bomb. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Perfect Passing 277 Posted April 28, 2013 Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side. “When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was to take off my trousers,” he said. “I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on.” When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large... I told her, “of course they're too big”. “I wear the trousers in this family and I always will”. “Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.” Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them. “Exactly,” replied Jack. “I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will, so don't forget that.” Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. “Try these on,” she said, so he tried them on but they were too small. “I can't possibly get into your knickers,” said Jack. “Exactly,” replied Jill. “And if you don't change your bloody attitude, you never will.” Go Jill !!!!!!!!!!!! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Perfect Passing 277 Posted April 28, 2013 A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says, 'Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession: Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years.' The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says, 'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years! I cannot hold your past against you, maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?' She said, 'I don't think you understand darling, my name was Brian and I played rugby for Wales ......' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Perfect Passing 277 Posted April 28, 2013 A fella goes for a job in the Quality Assurance department at Durex. The foreman takes him 'round the plant and shows him all the machinery and offers him the job. "What will the role entail exactly?" asks the interviewee. "Well", says the foreman, "you have to check 1 in a hundred", and proceeds to remove one of the rubbers from the production line, stretches it, holds it up to the lights, then places it over his penis and calls the secretary over. She proceeds to hitch her skirt up, pull her knickers down and bends over. The foreman gives her a good rogering, after he's finished he removes the prophylactic, stretches it, holds it up to the light again to confirm no holes. "Easy as that", he says. "When do I start?" Asks the fella, unable to believe his luck. "Monday, 8:00 sharp!" Naturally, our hero hardly sleeps a wink all Sunday night, and is outside the Durex factory waiting to get in at 6:30. Anyway, the production line starts up and the fella faithfully counts as 100 ribbed black mambo's, (lubricated with sensodol for extra comfort). He picks up the 101st, stretches it, holds it up to the light to check for holes then pulls it over his old man and calls the secretary over. Over she comes, grabs hold of his manhood, and proceeds to rigorously masturbate him. Rather startled and confused, the fella just looks at the secretary who says... "Sorry, company policy. You've got to work a week in hand" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Perfect Passing 277 Posted April 29, 2013 TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America . MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ? CLASS: Maria. ____________________________________ TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. __________________________________________ TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong. GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. ____________________________________________ TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. __________________________________ TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me! __________________________________________ TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. _______________________________________ TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.' MILLIE: I is... TEACHER: No, Millie... Always say, 'I am.' MILLIE: All right, "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet." ________________________________ TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand? ______________________________________ TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. ______________________________ TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog. _________________________ TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher. 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RIP Wee Jum 1,559 Posted April 29, 2013 We were watching countdown when my girlfriend broke the news to me that she had cancer. I had buccaneer. 6 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
