Deadornot 12 Posted October 11, 2005 Isn't this meant to be Alzheimer's rather than Parkinson's....? Maybe I've missed something.... Alzheimers / Parkinsons - Whats the difference. Well i could tell you the difference but hey, it would be dull. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
football_fan 42 Posted October 15, 2005 The Devil walked into a crowded bar. As soon as its patrons saw who it was, they all ran out except for an old man. The devil then walked up to him and said "Do you know who I am?" The old man sipped his beer and answered "yep". The Devil then said, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The old man looked over and said "I've been married to your sister for 27 years, why the hell should I be scared of you?" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
themaninblack 2,112 Posted October 15, 2005 Myra Hindley and a little boy are walking through the moors at night.Little boy says to Myra "I'm scared! I hate the dark!" Myra replies "How do you think I feel? I've got to walk back from here alone." Drat! I was going to tell that joke! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
weatherman90 7 Posted October 15, 2005 What did Hellen Keller do when she fell down the well? She screamed her hands off. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Gunjaman5000 30 Posted October 15, 2005 What's Hellen Keller's favourite colour? Corduroy. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Banshees Scream 110 Posted October 15, 2005 What did Hellen Keller do when she feel down the well? She screamed her hands off. I'm sure the Banshee would agree and think that is a possibility. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
themaninblack 2,112 Posted October 15, 2005 What's Hellen Keller's favourite colour? Corduroy. I'm sorry, who is Helen Keller? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Gunjaman5000 30 Posted October 15, 2005 What's Hellen Keller's favourite colour? Corduroy. I'm sorry, who is Helen Keller? A deaf, dumb and blind kid who didn't play a mean pinball. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
weatherman90 7 Posted October 15, 2005 A boy was lost at the mall He approached a security officer and said "Help, I can't find my grandpa"() The security officer responded "What's he like?" The boy responded "Jack Daniels, and Women with big boobs" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
themaninblack 2,112 Posted October 15, 2005 A drunk man enters a brothel and asks the Madame what kind of service she's offering. The Madame replies "Well sir, we can offer you a beautiful, high-class model who will do the full works: Blow-Job, Anal you name it, for £100. "I haven't got £100. Have you anything cheaper?" the man replies. "We have a normal girl who just does full sex for £50". "I haven't got £50" replied the man. "What have you got?" inquired the Madame. The man fished out some money and drunkenly counted it. "£11.62". "Give me a tenner and come with me" said the Madame. She took the man by the hand and led him into a small, brightly lit room. There was a small wooden stool in the middle of the room. "Sit on that stool and wait five minutes" instructed the Madame. So the drunk man sits on the stool for a while and tries to keep awake. Five minutes later and he hears this sound, like a small metal hatch opening. In saunters a pig. "Is this it?" thought the man, but then he thought "What the hell" and proceeded to take off his trousers and molest the animal. Two minutes later the man staggers out of the room, thanks the Madame for the nights enetertainment and leaves. One week later, the same man and in the same drunken state, staggers into the same brothel (it's a small town you see). "What have you got this time" asked the Madame. Once more the man fumbles through loose change. "£5.18". He replies. The Madam takes the fiver off his hands and directs him upstairs to the 'Voyueur's Room". The man opens the door and sees that its a large, dark, open room. In the middle of room however is a crowd of people, gathered around a point of light. The man heads towards the gathering and sees for himself what they are interested in. It turns out to be a glass floor and the people are observing a man and woman in the throes of full sexual contact. "This is brilliant" splutters the man, nudging one the observers. "Yeah" replies the other man, "But you should've been here last week mate, we saw a bloke F**k a pig!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
football_fan 42 Posted October 16, 2005 The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer. On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger." This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers. [click] [click] Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief. The African ambassador was much impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year. When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette". So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women. The African ambassador said "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a b**wjob - take your pick". The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?" With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered: "One of them's a cannibal" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
themaninblack 2,112 Posted October 16, 2005 With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered: "One of them's a cannibal" One of them has AIDS would probably be a more pertinent punchline... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,102 Posted October 16, 2005 With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered: "One of them's a cannibal" One of them has AIDS would probably be a more pertinent punchline... Can you catch AIDS from a BJ? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Harvester Of Souls 40 Posted October 16, 2005 Can you catch AIDS from a BJ? Surely that would depend on whether he got the cannibal. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Captain Oates 21 Posted October 16, 2005 With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered: "One of them's a cannibal" One of them has AIDS would probably be a more pertinent punchline... Pertinent, perhaps yes. Funny, no. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
themaninblack 2,112 Posted October 16, 2005 QUOTE (themaninblack @ Oct 16 2005, 12:56 PM) QUOTE With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered: "One of them's a cannibal" One of them has AIDS would probably be a more pertinent punchline... Pertinent, perhaps yes. Funny, no. I accept the blow-job mistake, but the cannibal line does kinda take on an olde worlde stereotype don't you agree? Nowt wrong with satire. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Moosey 3 Posted October 16, 2005 An Irishman applies for a job as an apprentice blacksmith. "Do you have any experience of shoeing horses?" asks the blacksmith. "No" replies the Irishman, "but I did once tell a donkey to feck off." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
in eternum+ 22 Posted October 16, 2005 Why was Helen Keller's bellybutton so big? Her husband was blind too. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Captain Oates 21 Posted October 17, 2005 A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help. She shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax." "Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosties back in the box." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Die 63 Posted October 18, 2005 Last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a strange noise....... BUMP........ BUMP........ BUMP........ Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road. BUMP........ BUMP....... BUMP........ He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....It was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home. BUMP........ BUMP........ BUMP........ He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster......... BUMP........BUMP..... BUMP........BUMP..... BUMP........BUMP...... The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him...... BUMP........BUMP......BUMP...... BUMP........BUMP......BUMP...... BUMP........BUMP......BUMP...... He started to sprint, but so did the coffin . BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP. BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..... BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP. Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and lumped into his comfy chair. Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase..... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP.SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........ BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP... BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP... BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH..HOP... The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges.... The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad. BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP..SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet...... He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin.......still it came . BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it . Still it came...... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it .still it came...... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........ The coffin stopped. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
football_fan 42 Posted October 19, 2005 Heard it So have I. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Gunjaman5000 30 Posted October 19, 2005 (edited) Four nuns are at confession, the first goes in, "Bless me Father for I have sinned... the other day I saw a man's penis." "Mercy me that's terrible," says father. "As an act of contrition you must say 10 decades of the rosary and wash your eyes in Holy water." The next enters the confessional, "Bless me Father for I have sinned... the other day I touched a man's penis." "Holy Mother Mary that's terrible," says the now shocked father. "As an act of contrition you must say 20 decades of the Rosary and wash your hands in Holy water." Overhearing, outside the confessional, the fourth Nun turns to the Third and says, "Excuse me, would you mind changing places? It's just I don't want to have to gargle after you've had your arse in there." Edited October 19, 2005 by Gunjaman5000 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Die 63 Posted October 19, 2005 Heard it So have I. But some people haven't....and if all jokes that people had heard before were deleted from this thread there would be none left! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Die 63 Posted October 19, 2005 One more (a bit rude but quite funny) The most dangerous snake in the world Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
