A Joke

[Deadornot 12]

Last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a

cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the

streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by

the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then

suddenly he heard a strange noise.......

etc.

 

 

Erm...................do you think you could edit it a bit shorter please.

[Magere Hein 1,399]

Last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club.

[snip]

Erm...................do you think you could edit it a bit shorter please.

Yes, please.

 

Oh, and is there a Fundamental Technical Reason for quoting it in full?

 

regards,

Hein

[Deadornot 12]

Ok i will shorten my quote

[Paul Bearer 6,093]

Heard it

So have I.

But some people haven't....and if all jokes that people had heard before were deleted from this thread there would be none left!

Who said anything about deleting them?

[Lady Die 63]

Heard it

So have I.

But some people haven't....and if all jokes that people had heard before were deleted from this thread there would be none left!

Who said anything about deleting them?

No-one. I was being hypothetical.

[Lady Die 63]

(Apologies to anyone who's heard this before)

 

A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to

other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a

transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were

both very tired and fell sleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in

the lower.

 

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,"Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet

to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

 

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight,let's pretend

that we're married."

 

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

 

"Good," she replied. "Get your own f***ing blanket."

 

After a moment of silence, he farted.

[Lady Die 63]

Latest on New Orleans ...

 

President Bush has just released a statement following his investigation into the New Orleans disaster - the blame is being put on a Halibut suicide plumber.

 

 

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President Bush has asked for pop groups to stage a benefit concert for the victims of New Orleans ... however Katrina and the Waves have been told to f.ck off.

 

 

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Mayor of New Orleans has denied rumours the Mardi Gras is cancelled. He expects a record number of floats this year on Main Street.

 

 

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5 black men in purple dinner jackets & bow ties were found floating today under a pier in New Orleans, DNA tests later identified them as The Drifters. Rumour has it they where under the boardwalk down by the sea ...

 

 

**************************************

 

Eric Burdon & The Animals are re-releasing their earlier hit, it begins "There was a house in New Orleans"

 

 

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Hurricane Katrina, typical female! When she came she was warm wild and wet. When she left she took the house and contents with her.

 

 

**************************************

 

Two planeloads of volunteers left South Auckland today bound for New Orleans to assist with the looting.

[Lady Die 63]

Another one (people keep sending me jokes)...

 

A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement.

 

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

 

The husband was sceptical, but they assured that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

 

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

 

The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.

 

The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".

[Deadornot 12]

Another one (people keep sending me jokes)...

 

A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement.

 

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

 

The husband was sceptical, but they assured that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

 

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

 

The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.

 

The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".

Maybe Lady Die isn't as good a name as you think.

I would call you Lady Joke.

[Lady Die 63]

Maybe Lady Die isn't as good a name as you think.

I would call you Lady Joke.

[Josco 49]

Two for the price of one:

 

1)

 

A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the

rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to

him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and

although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he

says.

"sorry do you know me?" She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought

you might be the father of one of my children !

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,

Christ! he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I

sh*gged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate

whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my a*se

No she replies, I'm your sons' English Teacher

 

 

2)

 

Defence Attorney: Will you please state your age?

 

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

 

Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

 

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man came creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

 

Defence Attorney: Did you know him?

 

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

 

Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

 

Little Old Lady:He started to rub my thigh.

 

Defence Attorney: Did you stop him?

 

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

 

Defence Attorney: Why not?

 

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died some 30 years ago.

 

Defence Attorney: What happened next?

 

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

 

Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then?

 

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

 

Defence Attorney: Why not?

 

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

 

Defence Attorney: What happened next?

 

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" so I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"

 

Defence Attorney: Did he take you?

 

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

[Paul Bearer 6,093]

oooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooo

 

(Apologies to anyone who's heard this before)

Saucer of milk for Lady Die please

[football_fan 42]

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"

 

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

 

The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

[football_fan 42]

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

 

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

 

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

 

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

 

She says, "That he did, Father.

 

"The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

 

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun...'"

[football_fan 42]

1. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

 

2. THE GETAWAY!

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked at the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

 

3. DID I SAY THAT???

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

 

4. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

 

5. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!

In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

 

6. BOATING PROBLEM:

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every manoeuvre, no matter how much power was applied.

 

After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong.

 

A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.

 

He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE ... Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer

[Lady Die 63]

Saucer of milk for Lady Die please

Purr purr

[Windsor 2,233]

I was told this rather shitty joke the last day:

 

Q) Why did Diana cross the road?

A) Because she didn't have a seat belt on.

 

(Should this have gone in the Diana thread? )

[football_fan 42]

Q: What's the Iraqi Army motto?

 

A: I came, I saw, Iran.

==================================================

 

Q: Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?

 

A: Palm Sunday

==================================================

 

Q: What does Bill say to Hillary after having sex?

 

A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."

==================================================

[Lady Grendel 139]

Three Labrador retrievers one brown, one yellow and one black were sitting in the surgery waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.

The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?" The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?" The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too." the dejected yellow lab said.

The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you here?" "I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, postboxes, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away".

The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?" The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

[Paul Bearer 6,093]

A rabbit escaped from an animal research laboratory across a couple of fields later, he stopped to catch his breath. Another rabbit saw him and struck up a conversation with him. "Where have you come from?" he asked. "I escaped from that animal lab over there" he replied. "Well" said the other rabbit "Why don't you go over to these fields across the way? There are hundreds of female bunnies just waiting for sex in that field, and in the field opposite that, there are hundreds of carrots just waiting to be eaten" The rabbit thanked the other bunny for his advice and disappeared into the fields. A week or so later, while hopping around, the old rabbit meets the other rabbit again. "Hello, how are you?" he asked "I've decided to go back into the lab" he replied. The other rabbit, somewhat taken aback by his reply asked why, " cos I'm gasping for a cigarette"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'll get me coat

[Magere Hein 1,399]

It's afternoon in the wood and after work the bear is rolling a spliff. From no appartent direction a rabbit comes running in and knocks paper, tobacco and grass from the bear's hands, saying: "Just say no! Come along, running is good for you!", after which the rabbit runs away into the wood. The bear decides to follow.

 

A bit later the rabbit and the bear arrive on an open spot in the wood, where the tiger is just preparing a nice shot of brown. The rabbit knocks spoon, smack and lighter from the tiger's hands and says: "Just say no! Come along, running is good for you!". The rabbit doesn't wait for an answer and runs along. The tiger follows the bear and the rabbit.

 

Less than half a mile away, the elephant is about to snort a long line of coke. Just before it puts its trunk in place the rabbit arrives and blows away the white powder. When the bear and the tiger arrive they see the elephant trampling the rabbit. When asked why, the elepant says: "That bloody rabbit's on speed again."

 

regards,

Hein

[maryportfuncity 10,616]

A woman walks into a bar and says to the barman:

 

'I'd like a double entendre'

 

So he gives her one

 

BOOM BOOM

[Banshees Scream 110]

Windsor: Doctor, doctor - I only have 59 seconds to live!

Doctor: Yes, I'll be with you in a minute.

 

[Boudicca 702]

All the talk about bird flu prompted me to google the "mad cow" joke.

 

I must say that the replies are quite amusing.

[Grim Reaper 186]

I must say that the replies are quite amusing.

Most amusing comments. The pick of the bunch has to be...

 

Two cows are standing around one day when one cow says to the other, "So what do you think about this mad cow disease?" The other replies, "What the hell do I care, I’m a goddamn hellicopter!"

 

Add your own comment

 

From: ash on February 13, 2005 @ 5:48 pm

Comment:  i get it.. the cows gone mad.. he thinks the ’talking’ helicopter is another cow.. but its not funny

 

Hit the nail right on the...spiked end with that explanation.

If only we could invite Ash to DL forums to provide us with a bit of entertainment