A Joke

[Paul Bearer 6,102]

"Knock knock" 

"Who's there?"

"Yanny"

"Laurel who?"

[One shot Paddy 1,206]

One of my son's he told last week.

 

"Knock knock"

"Who's there"

"Boo"

"Boo who?"

"Boobies!!!!"

[runebomme 377]

I've been trying to buy a train ticket online for over an hour now and I'm getting pissed off

it keeps asking me, 'where do you want to go?'

so I click on the icon that says 'home' and then it makes me start again

[runebomme 377]

Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have a beer." The second says, "I'll have half a beer." The third says, "I'll have a quarter of a beer." Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. "Come on, now,” he says to the group, “You guys have got to learn your limits.”

[bladan 293]

God walks into a bar. Everyone asks God, "My God, I love my family but we all are living in poverty and now are dying of cancer and sudden heart attacks, what's the meaning of life?" God farts, spits and says: "A double bourbon as usual please!"

[TQR 14,398]

1 hour ago, bladan said:

God walks into a bar. Everyone asks God, "My God, I love my family but we all are living in poverty and now are dying of cancer and sudden heart attacks, what's the meaning of life?" God farts, spits and says: "A double bourbon as usual please!"

 

I think I got this in a Christmas Cracker once...?

[bladan 293]

This "joke" (?) happens in the Batcave. Batman suffers from clinical depression. He feels that their crime fighting is meaningless and doomed to fail. Everyone dies. Batman wants to suicide by Batmobile exhaust fumes. Robin decides to use the Batcomputer which prints out the only possible cure.

Robin reads it and shouts aloud: "That's it! Baton! Holy Anal Swirl Vibrating Insertable Police Baton!"

 

OK I can't tell jokes - but I tried

[TQR 14,398]

You’re an interesting individual.

[runebomme 377]

39 minutes ago, bladan said:

This "joke" (?) happens in the Batcave. Batman suffers from clinical depression. He feels that their crime fighting is meaningless and doomed to fail. Everyone dies. Batman wants to suicide by Batmobile exhaust fumes. Robin decides to use the Batcomputer which prints out the only possible cure.

Robin reads it and shouts aloud: "That's it! Baton! Holy Anal Swirl Vibrating Insertable Police Baton!"

 

OK I can't tell jokes - but I tried

wouldn't he make a better avatar for you

[bladan 293]

13 hours ago, runebomme said:

wouldn't he make a better avatar for you

Yes! That's "the white death", the most successful sniper in history.

[bladan 293]

My dad did see him years after the war.

 

 

[runebomme 377]

lived to 96 as well

[Joey Russ 7,228]

I would like to take a moment to thank my legs, for always supporting me; my arms, for always being by my side; and my fingers, I can always count on them. 

[maryportfuncity 10,647]

Raheem Sterling's new tattoo has really inspired me

 

So I'm having a horse's cock tattooed on my arm in memory of my auntie's fatal accident.

[deadsox 894]

23 minutes ago, Joey Russ said:

I would like to take a moment to thank my legs, for always supporting me; my arms, for always being by my side; and my fingers, I can always count on them. 

 

Yeah Joey that's more like it.

[philheybrookbay 439]

Two women are walking home from the bar, they both have to pee so they slip into a nearby cemetery. One uses her panties to wipe herself, and the other uses a wreath off a head stone.


Next night the husbands met at the bar, one looks at the other and says "I'm gonna have to watch my wife, she came home with no panties last night." The other one says "Oh well, mine came home with a card wedged in her ass saying "You were loved and will be missed by the whole entire fire department."

[YoungWillz 21,050]

Took a leaf out of Trump's playbook.

 

Had a meeting this morning with Kerry Katona in which we discussed (and possibly resolved) the question of Scottish Independence.

 

Further meetings are scheduled with Kinga from Big Brother to sort out Brexit, and with Kym Marsh of Hearsay to deal with the Irish Border question.

[TQR 14,398]

The wife and I had a terrible blazing row the other night. She was slapping me, shouting at me, throwing things at me. She screamed “How could you?! How could you fuck my sister?!”

 

I defended, “Look, it was on a plate! She was there, at my work, sprawled out, bollock naked, what was I meant to do?!”

 

She bawled back, “The fucking autopsy, you sick cunt!”

[RIP Wee Jum 1,559]

[runebomme 377]

 

went for a job interview as a computer programmer yesterday. They asked "do you do much binary nowadays?" I said, "on and off".

[runebomme 377]

What's yellow & blue with a really tight cunt at one end?. An Aldi bag.

[runebomme 377]

Asked about a meeting with the worlds most evil communist leader, Donald Trump said “I will never meet that cunt Corbyn”

[runebomme 377]

I had five hundred Kit Kats in my fridge and my mate had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person. That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work.

[Paul Bearer 6,102]

18 hours ago, runebomme said:

I had five hundred Kit Kats in my fridge and my mate had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person. That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work.

What's funny about that?  It's more the truth than a joke.

[maryportfuncity 10,647]

On 13/06/2018 at 15:32, Paul Bearer said:

What's funny about that?  It's more the truth than a joke.

 

 

All in the telling I guess

 

Jerry Sadowitz usually gets a laugh on stage when he cracks a joke along the lines of "I was supposed to be doing a gig for starving Ethiopians tonight (pause to look around the gig he's actually playing)...but fifty quid's fifty quid, eh?"