runebomme 377 Posted July 1, 2018 A man is poaching turtles to sell to the local restaurants, when a police man catches him . The cop says "it's illegal to poach turtles out of this river, they’re an endangered species”? The man says to the officer, “no this is my pet turtle. I bring him down here everyday and let him go for a swim. He swims across the river and back”. “Bullshit” the officer replies. So the man places the turtle in the water and says “watch this”. The turtle swims out and the two men are standing there waiting. Ten minutes goes past and the officer says “well where’s the turtle?”. The man replies ...“what turtle”? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted July 1, 2018 During the recent hot weather I have had trouble sleeping, so last night I drank 10 pints of stella, and I slept like a baby. I was sick twice and shat myself. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted July 6, 2018 too much humming for my liking Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sir Creep 7,071 Posted July 9, 2018 I'm sitting somewhere between Geneva and Naples as we speak. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
YoungWillz 21,231 Posted July 11, 2018 Which group sang "Baby Love"? A: The Supremes. Which group sang "Egg Love"? A: The Chicken Supremes. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dr_T 254 Posted July 11, 2018 Would an all-gay male Supremes tribute band call themselves "The Meatlovers"? (I hope the pizza names translate from Australian otherwise it might be a bit cryptic). 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,684 Posted July 12, 2018 Usain Bolt tries to join a golf club but the receptionist says; "To be honest we don't encourage black members here - but there is a club ten minutes down the road that's okay with that" Bolt says - "Do you know who I am, I'm Usain Bolt." "Oh right," says the receptionist "in that case the other club is only five minutes down the road." 1 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sir Creep 7,071 Posted July 27, 2018 Former Louisiana Gov. Edwin Edwards was giving another former Gov Kathleen Blanco some award a few days ago. In doing so, Edwards relayed a story of a poor woman who everyday walked out on the porch of her shotgun house and thanked God for the day. Next door lived an atheist who chided her for thinking God had anything to do with the sun, the rain, etc. One day she prayed for God to please send her food as she had none and was starving. The next morning she walked out and found a bag of groceries on her porch. She immediately started thanking God when the atheist neighbor interrupted her. “You old fool, God didn’t get you those groceries, I did!” She fell on her knees, thanked God for the groceries and, “even better, for getting the devil to pay for them.” 4 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,684 Posted July 29, 2018 So, as part of the new UK citizenship test every applicant will be made to eat a full English breakfast! 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,684 Posted July 29, 2018 - Why was metamphetamine re-named "Meth" - So users could still ask for it after they'd lost their front teeth 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RIP Wee Jum 1,559 Posted July 29, 2018 What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anybody can roast beef but nobody can pea soup. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted July 29, 2018 35 minutes ago, Wee Jum said: What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anybody can roast beef but nobody can pea soup. if you have Urinary tract infections the pee can look a bit like soup 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,684 Posted July 30, 2018 Found this clean pun on the Sickipedia - honestly, what's the world coming to? Lion King FC - recent results A win, away A win, away A win, away A win, away 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RIP Wee Jum 1,559 Posted August 3, 2018 And The Lord said unto John, "Come fourth and recieve eternal life". But John came fifth and won a toaster 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,132 Posted August 3, 2018 One for the vinyl geeks. I tried to play my Demi Lovato record today, but the needle kept getting stuck. 2 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TQR 14,462 Posted August 6, 2018 Courtesy of my little cousin: I’ve got a horse called Mayo. Mayo neighs. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,684 Posted August 7, 2018 Recent events in Stoke on Trent have inspired the BBC to develop an offshoot to one of their biggest hits Cull the Midwife starts early next year Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted August 19, 2018 Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: they should both be changed regularly… and for the same reason. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted August 19, 2018 Did you hear about Monica Lewinsky becoming a Republican? The Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth. 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
