philheybrookbay 439 Posted August 21, 2018 From the ‘You’re so Council’ page of Facebook 2 4 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,657 Posted August 23, 2018 On 21/08/2018 at 15:51, philheybrookbay said: From the ‘You’re so Council’ page of Facebook Bit harsh on the well-meaning Levellers, innit? 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,657 Posted August 27, 2018 I love those black and white films where people say very little Y, know - inter-racial porn 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
charon 4,943 Posted August 28, 2018 Belfast's historic 200 year old five story building that Primark were the current residents has gone up like a cheap shell suit. Loss adjusters estimate £178 of stock has been lost. 4 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,657 Posted September 3, 2018 The wife says...if I ever got dementia I'd off myself at Dignitas and save burdening you. I said, that's the third time in an hour you've told me that Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
msc 18,480 Posted September 4, 2018 Via Mrs Msc: What's a ghosts favourite Scottish football team? Wraith Rovers. A pain shared... 1 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,657 Posted September 8, 2018 My son got kicked out of school today for letting a girl wank him off in class. I said, "Son that's 3 schools this year, maybe teaching isn't for you." 1 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,657 Posted September 9, 2018 So - of all the places to hear a decent joke...a Pasadena Roof Orchestra gig Britain's high streets are really suffering after austerity so some shops are combining to save on rent and it's made for some unlikey new businesses In one merger Marks and Spencer have gone in with Poundstretcher to form Stretch Marks, in another a vet and taxidermist came together and now have the slogan - however it goes we guarantee you get your dog back! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,657 Posted September 9, 2018 Oh aye and... A man returns to his car to find a warden issuing a ticket., a huge row erupts but the warden keeps going until he clutches his chest and falls to the ground. Luckily it transpires the badly parked car belongs to a consultant and the site of the collapse is yards from the hospital. The consultant calls up help and in a couple of minutes the warden is in A&E. It goes badly, even shocking him can't get a pulse and the emergency team call the time of death and start the paperwork when against all expectations the warden sits up and starts talking. "I heard it all," he says "and I willed myself to wake up, seriously, I'm fine, I feel great." "You don't get it says the consultant, once I started writing the death certificate, I can't undo it!" 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,657 Posted September 14, 2018 I lost my job serving tea to the patients at the local Mastectomy clinic. Apparently asking "one lump or two?" is insensitive. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted September 15, 2018 Foreign Aid : Poor people in a rich country sending money to rich people in a poor country. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted September 15, 2018 How many hookers does it take to change a President? 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bentrovato 1,089 Posted September 15, 2018 The papers say Trump has had an arsehole transplant Yes. But read the stop press. The arsehole rejected him. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,109 Posted September 15, 2018 41 minutes ago, Bentrovato said: The papers say Trump has had an arsehole transplant Yes. But read the stop press. The arsehole rejected him. See Fidel Castro thread from many years ago. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bentrovato 1,089 Posted September 15, 2018 22 minutes ago, Paul Bearer said: See Fidel Castro thread from many years ago. See a Monty Python joke about Nixon from the 1970s. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,109 Posted September 15, 2018 2 hours ago, Paul Bearer said: See Fidel Castro thread from many years ago. 1 hour ago, Bentrovato said: See a Monty Python joke about Nixon from the 1970s. Well, do you really need to be regurgitating old jokes. 1 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,657 Posted September 16, 2018 19 hours ago, Bentrovato said: See a Monty Python joke about Nixon from the 1970s. Aye, that joke is on Live at Drury Lane if I remember correctly. right after some stuff involving banter with a black barman called Rastus who serves up two "Harlem Stingers" which involve him gobbing his own phlegm into the glasses. So, should we ditch all this bleeding heart diversity stuff and get back to good old school comedy? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bentrovato 1,089 Posted September 16, 2018 1 hour ago, maryportfuncity said: Aye, that joke is on Live at Drury Lane if I remember correctly. right after some stuff involving banter with a black barman called Rastus who serves up two "Harlem Stingers" which involve him gobbing his own phlegm into the glasses. So, should we ditch all this bleeding heart diversity stuff and get back to good old school comedy? Yeah Fuck it. Why not. Personally I heard it on a cassette which existed back in the day. But fuck it. Your are totally right. Shit over reaction. Lets just fuck up every cunt there is. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
msc 18,480 Posted September 16, 2018 Oh I assure you all my jokes are nicked from others. Like this one, about an old guy who died. 99 years old, lived a health freak existence on orders of his wife, she's made him a vegan teetotaller exercise guy etc etc, anyhow they're killed in the same car crash. So they're up at Heaven together and St Peter meets them and gives them the low down on the afterlife, walking about, pointing out stuff. "Pubs over there!" "You've got pubs in heaven?" said the guy, surprised. His wife by his side. "OH aye", said St Peter, "All kinds of pubs, all the booze you can think of. It's Heaven, so you can drink all you want if you want with not even a hangover. You can live however you want." They walk by a MacDonalds. "You've got fast food up here?" said the guy. "Oh aye" said St Peter, "Any type you want, it's Heaven, you can eat anything you want up here." They pass by a brothel. St Peter nods. "Any type you want, it's Heaven after all." The tour ends. St Peter says "Anything to say?" Guy turns to his wife. "You cunt, I could have been here 70 years ago!" It's got the structure of a Mike Reid gag, but dunno, heard it off a drunk guy in the QMU years ago. 2 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,657 Posted September 16, 2018 My daughter told me she’s afraid of the dark I told her, Wait till you start paying for electricity and you’ll be scared of the fucking light! 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,657 Posted September 24, 2018 The Odeon in my town was robbed last night of £754. The thieves took some M&Ms , Doritos, a hand full of pick n mix and a large drink... 3 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom 2,535 Posted September 26, 2018 I've started reading a horror novel in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it. 1 4 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,219 Posted September 26, 2018 37 minutes ago, Phantom said: I've started reading a horror novel in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it. That's fucking terrible...……...but good 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,219 Posted September 26, 2018 40 minutes ago, Phantom said: I've started reading a horror novel in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it. Alternatively. Stevie Wonder was given a cheese grater for Christmas. When asked what he thought of it, he said it was the most violent book he'd ever read. 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
