Ok, for newcomers and nostalgists, I present The Deathlist Cup... the story so far.
1. Young Willz 0-4 Captain Chorizo
2. Maryportfuncity 2-8 Morbid Kid
Maryportfuncity wins by DQ.
3. Grim Up North 8-4 Joey Russ
4. Deathray 2-8 Heef
5. Chopped Liver 2-9 Garn
6. Shaun of the Dead 2-4 RadGuy
7. Charon 2-9 The Dead Cow
8. Switch 4-2 Rockhopperpenguin
9. Pedro67 7-2 Jiroemon Kimura
10. msc 4-7 gcreptile
This Round was surprisingly controversial. Toast had avoided the Cup, predicting a whole host of nasty FFBI picks and proved to be 100% accurate with coma victims and other non-entities gaining points (Norma Cook – who?), and creating the FFBI Ban now in place. Chopped Liver predicted success, got gubbed, and flounced off the forum. The Kid got banned off the forum for a month at an inappropriate time (3 days before Round 2) and was unable to get a team in in time, leaving Maryport to sneak into Round 2.
Elsewhere Joey and Grim trade insults for a month before that game was decided on the death of Sir Gerald Kaufman late on, whilst Willz’s sterling defence against the 2016 DDP runnersup was ended by the death of actress Sara Coward. There was a bit of a to do when The Dead Cow’s pick, da Silva, was brain dead, but she was dead dead soon enough. Forum newcomer Heef showed promise.
The first hit in Cup history was confirmed at 1.40am on the 1st February 2017 – Bernie Portenski – and provided point for Reptile and Heef. Yer host did level later that day with the demise of Desmond Carrington, but was soon outgunned by one of the forums better researchers and his pick of Trinidadian historian Angelo Bissessarsingh. Yes, that explains that running reference…
Oh, and DDT had mutant sheep to deal with, thus instantly being a far more interesting character than some of the actual hits…
1. RadGuy 1-0 Bibliogryphon
2. The Dead Cow 8-9 Death Impends
3. Heef 4-3 Garn
4. Maryportfuncity 0-3 Spade Cooley
5. Captain Chorizo 1-1 Grim Up North,
Grim Up North won on penalties
6. Switch 0-2 DDT
7. Deadsox 0-0 Pedro67,
Deadsox won on penalties
8. Roverandout 2-8 gcreptile
Biblio was later to say losing to a FFBI pick was like Rad diving for a penalty! Lisa Magill, for the record. DDT and Spade were, perhaps unfairly, expected to cruise through, but both did just enough and no more, both advancing through the death of Tania Dalton. Deadsox and Pedro deadlocked, with Deadsox advancing on penalties, with no sign of what was to come. Rover bounced into Round 2 on a BYE and swiftly bounced back out again by Reptile (who went ahead less than 30 minutes into the month!). Also, Heef contained to show promise by easing out well respected DDP regular Garn (that’s top 20 regular Poochie…), another match Dalton proved crucial in deciding.
The headlines came from a hard fought clash between forum assassin Death Impends, and young up and comer Dead Cow. “Hoping to avoid a massacre” said the Cow pre-game, and he did, only to lose in heartbreaking circumstances. Both scored early with Tania Dalton (2-2), journalist May Johnson (4-4) and Cardinal Vlk (6-6). Then, on the 26th March, comic book artist Oliver Nome died, and Cow took the lead 8-6. He missed the unique point as Reptile (miles ahead and looking forward to a Quarterfinal with the winner of this tie) also had him.That proved crucial as football coach Ken Sparks died on the 29th and that unique point was the difference between the two, with DI winning 9-8.
1. DDT 3-1 RadGuy
2. gcreptile 2-16 Death Impends
3. Spade Cooley 2-4 Deadsox
4. Grim Up North 6-6 Heef,
Heef advances on "away goals".
Heef took out another victim, Grim, in a high scoring game, with horse racing Tony Kaye providing the crucial assist. Rad momentarily had the shock on with a FFBI pick, before DDT won with Bishop Perham. DDT v Spade came up as a provisional Semifinal, but deadsox had other ideas. Spade took the lead with SF academic Michael Levy, before deadsox levelled with Emma Morano, before winning with Sasha Lakovic.
Elsewhere, the only shock in DI v Reptile was how one sided it was, with DI gaining hits off a spree killer, academic Levy, John Vennari, Tom Modrak, Barry Marshall-Everitt, Lucky Ackhand and a priest.
1. DDT 0-2 Deadsox
2. Death Impends 11-8 Heef
Deadsox followed up his Spade shocker, by beating deadpoolings own GOAT, via a FFBI pick. Meanwhile, it was the end of the road for Heef in another exciting tie. Bishop Niederauer gave DI a 3-0 lead, before Vicki Letele made it 3-3. (Originally 3-2, but Heef made a compelling case with evidence for her not being a FFB case.) Then Earl Sinks died to make it 6-3 DI, before Dina Merrill made it 6-6 again. All this time we were awaiting a LOTL obit, but Earl Hagman’s death made it crucially 9-6 DI, with Kiwi Heef beaten by a New Zealand pick! Noriega provided points for both teams late in the month.
1. Deadsox 5-2 Death Impends
Deadsox had been tough opposition, and this looked set to come down to 1 pick. And it did, only it was Julia Perez, whom Deadsox had. And so, Deadsox won the 1st DL Cup, beating Spade, DDT and DI in consecutive rounds to do so.
2018 Deathlist Cup
1. Charon vs Maryportfuncity 6-0
2. Pedro vs The Dead Cow 3-13
3. Young Willz vs The Engineer 0-0
*Willz won 3-2 on pens
4. Grim Up North vs Yorkshire Banker 6-3
5. Msc vs Wormfarmer 3-0
6. Spade Cooley vs Roverandout 3-9
7. Joey Russ vs Garn 7-0
8. Bibliogryphon vs Phantom of the Midway (AKA Rad Guy) 0-6
9. Sean vs Fixed Business 9-0
10. Gcreptile vs John Key 7-3
11. Deathray vs Sir Creep 0-3
12. Captain Chorizo vs Book 3-3
The first DL Cup hit of 2018 was rapper Mowzey Radio with Joey scoring early and easing comfortably past Garn. Johnnie Lindsay was enough for Reptile. Barys Kits death put Yorkshire Banker and Pedro into somewhat shock leads, before Grim and Cow pulled back. Liam Miller produced leads for charon and Rad. Author Bill Crider’s death was the diference between Wormfarmer and yours truly, and also produced the age difference decider for Chorizo. Spade took the lead with Prince Henrik, only for Morgan Tsvangirai to nod in the instant equaliser, and Catherine Nevin gave Rover the lead, before Billy Graham sealed the deal on the biggest Cup shock to date. That also took Sir Creep into the 2nd Round.
Willz won a best of 5 coin toss.
Death Impends vs Heef 9-10
Gcreptile vs Sir Creep 6-14
Joey Russ vs Grim Up North 6-6
Phantom of the Midway vs The Dead Cow 10-13
Sean vs Charon 0-0
Roverandout vs DDT 0-6
Captain Chorizo vs Young Willz 0-4
msc vs Deadsox 6-7
Marieke Vervoort was on every single fucking team. And lived. Vanessa Lafaye died too early, and that, and dropping Bernie De Koven provided killer blows for myself. I was facing the holder, however, who scored with Carlo Ripa di Meana.
Rover’s chances of a second upset came to nowt via author Emma Hannigan, whereas Willz told everyone he stood no chance against Chorizo, only for Ken Dodd to have his say. Joey and Grim proved difficult to separate again.
Sir Creep d. Reptile. Sir Creep went 4-0 up early on. Both had Emma Hannigan (7-3). Sir Creep then sealed the deal with his own personal hero Tom Benson.
DI and Heef both had Goodwin (3-3), and Emma Hannigan (6-6). A man called Ed wound up being recinded from DI’s tally and Warren Grant died, so we had a disallowed goal and then Heef went 10-6 up.
Rad and Cow both had Goodwin (3-3), and Emma Hannigan (6-6), before football coach Shaun Bailey produced the killer blow for Dead Cow. Well, until Tony Kleese levelled it (10-10), before Bishop Lafoya DID seal it for the Cow.
Controversy everywhere. Multiple picks died in February, QOs were questioned, and the host quit… only to do a Roz Doyle and return and pretend nothing had happened. “Tripping off his tits” said one Highlander, probably close to the mark…
1. The Dead Cow vs Sean 9-0
2. Heef vs DDT 6-9
3. Deadsox (reigning champ) vs YWillz 9-3
4. Sir Creep vs Joey Russ 9-3
Cow took an early lead via Ray Wilkins and never looked back. Willz run ended against the holders, deadsox advancing on Ernie Thacker and, both having Mitzi Shore. Meanwhile Sir Creep continued to impress, easing past Joey. Joey took the lead with Wilkins, before Sir Creep levelled with Ernie Thacker, and took the lead with Bishop Foley. Heef put up a good challenge against DDT, coming up short. Both had Wilkins and Fergie McCormack, but DDT had Foley and Heef didn’t. Nabi Tajima sealed the deal against Willz and Joey.
Dead Cow v Sir Creep 4-7
DDT v Deadsox 7-0
Larry Hunter’s early death put Cow into a 4-0 lead. Once again Sir Creep suffered to a late breaking health issue he missed on one of his 40 hour rig jobs. David Goodall brought it back to 4-3, before the great Ted Dabney died late on, sending Sir Creep into the final at his first attempt.
Elsewhere, Morgan Job and David Goodall meant that deadsox’s reign was ended by the great deadpooler DDT.
Dead Cow v Deadsox 7-3
Jon Hiseman proved crucial. Both sides had Matt Cappotelli.
DDT v Sir Creep 11-3
It was the old guard vs the new. Ignore for narrative purposes that Sir Creep is actually older than DDT. Ralph Santolla provided DDT with the 4-0 lead, and Fu Da Ren made it the quick 8-0. “You live by assisted suicide you die by assisted suicide” said the wise Sir. Both teams had Cappotelli, and that was that. Sir Creep did well, but found the old master too tough in the final. DDT won the 2018 Cup!
2019 Deathlist Cup
With 47 teams in, the largest Cup to date.
1. JoeMoneyPenny 3-3 Pedro
(Joe wins on penalties, Pedro advances on DQ)
2. Nantonian 2013 0-3 Maryportfuncity
3. Gooseberry Crumble 0-3 John Key
4. Spade Cooley 16-0 Squonk
5. Markb4 0-10 Dr T
6. Banana 12-3 Great Uncle Bulgaria
7. Yorkshire Banker 9-9 Skinny Kiltrunner
(Banker won on penalties)
8. Alt Obits Guy 13-0 Time
9. Clorox 16-3 Fixed Business
10. Mad Hatter 9-0 Exu
11. Master Tech 0-0 Bibliogryphon
(Biblio won on penalties)
12. The Unknown Man 0-3 Boudicca
13. Torva Messor 10-3 Old Crem
14. The Quim Reaper 6-3 Buffalo Phil
15. Wormfarmer 6-7 Old Lady
The round started in controversy as Dr T’s team got lost and he was DQ’d. A stewards enquiry, and the fair play of his opponent, got the 2018 DDP winner back into the tournament, and he swiftly thumped poor old Mark.
Andew McGahan was the first Cup hit of 2019, but nearly everyone had him. This did prove to be the game winners for Maryport and John Key right off the bat, however. Early joker hits for Torva and Dr T meant they were never looking back. Torva’s unique on John Cocks (sN-word) just extended (guffaw) her lead. “Awesome tactical masterclass” was how forum vet MPFC called Torva’s victory.
Banana took the lead with Democratic Nebraskan Party chair Anne Boyle, and with each successive pick new host Joey Russ’s face got paler and paler at a 2nd round fight. Spade Cooley got hits off Boyle, Frank Robinson, Paul Cain and Walter Jones., and his 16-0 victory not only produced the term “squonking” for Deadpool massacres, but chased the new guy off the forum!
Skinny Kiltrunner was heavily fancied but shared McGahan and jokers on Walter Jones, so it went to penalties and the Yorkshire Banker won. Unknown Man v Boudicca was a tense battle of Cup newbies settled on Walter Jones’s death.
Clorox already looked a newcomer to beat and a unique on Rocky Lockridge gave him an unassailable lead on Fixed Business. Time said he’d join in as long as he didn’t have to put in teams every month, and Allen made quick promise on that, Emily Levine being a key decider for his promising team. Another Cup newcomer, TQR broke a tight deadlock with Buffalo Phil on the sad death of lefty Welsh legend Paul Flynn.
Wormfarmer fancied his chances with McGahan and Walter Jones, 6-0 lead with half the month gone. Nobody had ever recovered from a 6 point deficit. The Old Lady got a unique hit with old commie Li Rui. 6-4. Then Peter Tork went and died, and my mum was sad. But Wormfarmer was even sadder, as Old Lady completed the stunning comeback to win a spot in Round 2!
1. RadGuy 9-0 Yorkshire Banker
2. Chorizo 12-9 Grim up North
3. Clorox 9-6 Alt Obits Guy
4. Maryportfuncity 3-6 The Quim Reaper
5. DDT 15-15 Death Impends
6. The Dead Cow 3-3 Deadsox
7. Charon 3-0 Engineer
8. Deathray 3-6 Mad Hatter
9. Gcreptile 19-12 msc
10. Joey Russ 15-22 Banana
11. Sir Creep 7-15 Spade Cooley
12. Torva Messor 15-3 Dr T
13. Bibliogryphon 0-6 Book
14. John Key 4-3 Heef
15. Young willz 0-3 Pedro
16. The Old Lady 0-0 Boudicca
(Boudicca won on penalties)
Round 2 saw many top contenders facing off and a lot of bruised egos and big scorelines. It also saw The Old Lady and Boudicca take a wee nap in the corner for the entire month, before Boudicca won the coin toss late in the month.
TQR announced he was definitely going to lose his tie, and MPFC did take the leader with Eusebio Pedroza, but hits with Berne Torme and Billy Clayton suggested otherwise. The boxer also settled The Mad Hatter’s win. Manohar Paririkar was also the killer blow for Engineer. John Key went 3-0 down on the same day to much fancied former Semifinalists Heef, but a unique hit with Bishop Quinn saw the biggest shock of the round . There was to be no repeat of the Young Willz heroics as Pedro won on Edmund Capon’s demise.
Spade opened up an early 8-0 lead on Sir Creep with aide of Joe Scarborough’s charity CEO mum. Torva went to town on Dr T with Manohar Parrikar the pick of a thumping, and msc thought he was doing well until Reptile’s unique hit with local singer Caroline Isachsen. And when Barbara Hammer got points, I was, to quote Biblio, MSC Hammer-ed. Or as I put it after my second Cup thumping in 2 years to my now DDP co-host, he’s fine deadpooler and deserves this success…damn him.
All eyes were on Joey v Banana. They shared Pedroza points, and Banana took a narrow lead (via joker points) on equally shared Rob Restuccia, but it was Luke Perry’s death which opened up a chasm in the tie. Joey did well to come back to a highly respectable points tally, but the 7 points gap turned out crucial.
DDT and DI went to war in the Admin battle and Barbara Hammer provided joker points for DDT to make it level. It came down to a late lead for DDT with Parrikar, but DI’s smart pick of singer Billy Clayton meant he equalised and had the lowest age marginal, so advanced by the slimmest possible margin.
Clorox did an Old Lady falling 0-6 behind to Allen (Parrikar and Hammer), before Capon and Torme equalised, and then Clayton sealed the comeback. Allen had to make do with another Alt Obits victory…
1. The Mad Hatter 0-0 Boudicca
(Boudicca won on penalties)
2. Rad 12-13 Banana
3. John Key 0-21 Death Impends
4. The Quim Reaper 3-0 Book
5. Gcreptile 9-0 Pedro
6. Chorizo 3-3 Torva Messor
(Chorizo won on penalties)
7. Bibliogryphon 0-21 Spade Cooley
8. Deadsox 0-16 Clorox
Thanks to unfortunate events, Bibliogryphon won a lucky loser spot. Luigi wins by doing absolutely nothing. After another loss, he won the toss for lucky loser for Round 4 too, but that wasn’t needed. Although, unlucky loser perhaps, as he had to face Spade Cooley who was in no charitable frame of mind. Rabbi Yisroel had Spade 8-0 up in hours of the month starting,
John Key had pulled off a huge upset, but DI was in no mood for cup shocks, going 11-0 up early with Vonda McIntyre and Mahendran. By April 2nd we already seemed to have a quarterfinal set.
Clorox had the lead early from Mahendran’s death, but the manner of victory over the 2017 Cup winner was astounding, with Ly Tung another hit, followed by Paul Severs unique. The director also gave an early lead to Banana in a highly closely fought tie with Rad Guy. Both had Bill Heine. Rad had Ly Tong to go 9-6 up. Banana had Keith Cass, a unique hit, and that was the crucial difference.
Bill Heine also settled the Reptile/Pedro tie via way of being Reptiles joker.
“I am totally losing this tie, arse burgers!” said TQR, before beating Book with a Bill Heine pick.
Meanwhile Boudicca and The Mad Hatter had a wee sleep in the corner, with Boudicca winning on the coin toss. This meant she beat Willz’s record for longest cleansheet in cup history, 90 days by end of April.
1. The Quim Reaper 9-12 Boudicca
2. Spade Cooley 17-13 Death Impends
3. Reptile 6-21 Banana
4. Clorox 19-9 Chorizo
Death Impends vs Spade Cooley, the most anticipated battle since Mayweather v Pacquiao, said TQR! He also said “I am totally going to lose this tie, arse burgers!” and this time he was right, as Boudicca woke up after a nice 2 month nap. Both had musician John Starling, ending Bou’s new cleansheet record at 92 days. But it was Subir Nandi who ended TQR’s long run, and kept unfancied (in the Cup, Sir Creep!) Bou in it to win it another day.
Clorox scored early with Bill Fleischman and Rachel Held Evans.
Anyhow, DI v Spade. Spade went up early with GRT racing CEO Joe Garrison 8-0. Points for Spade on Subir Nandi, before shared points on Jean Vanier and Cecila Huerta. Sprent Dabwido produced a minor comeback, but this one was over. Although Milton Born with a Tooth narrowed the gap.
Reptile’s usual thing of folk raising their game to play him saw him out via Held Evans, Nandi and joker Vanier.
1. Spade Cooley 13-12 Banana
2. Boudicca 17-9 Clorox
Everyone scored hours in with Yudhonoyo, with Banana and Boudicca taking joker points to lead 6-3 each. Boudicca then took a surprising 7 point lead with Brian Doherty of Big Wreck. Spade then took the lead on Banana with David Powlison to go 7-6 up. Everyone got 3 points for Bushwhacker Bill.
Boudicca’s unique hit with footballer Steve Essex finished off a stunning victory. Cypriot President Demetris Christofias was points for everyone except Bou, so Powlison turned out crucial for Spade, for whom Banana had given the biggest test to date.
1. Spade Cooley 19-11 Boudicca
Once more the final produced an unfancied team against a forum heavyweight, but this time there was no Deadsox style shock on the cards. A unique Jared Lorenzo put Spade 4-0 up, before Sutopo Nugroho made it 8-0, then Sam Bass made it 12-0. Ershad made it 4-12, and Inspector Montalbano creator Andrea Camilleri made it 8-12, but Cardinal Ortega made it 8-16 and despite Kevin Roster producing three points a piece, the tie was dead.
Hall of Fame
2017 - Deadsox
2018 - DDT
2019 - Spade Cooley
The "Heef Award" Winner for Best Newcomer
2017 - Heef
2018 - Sir Creep
2019 - Boudicca
The "Sqounk Award for Worst Squonking"
2017 - Reptile (14)
2018 - Pedro (10)
2019 - John Key/Bibliogryphon (21) - yes Squonk never even won his own award...
Highest Scoring Match
Joey Russ v Banana 2019, 37 points shared
Top Scorers (to date)
1. Spade 109
2. DI 96
3. Banana 80
4. Clorox 69
5. Dead Cow 66
6. Reptile 64
7. DDT 53
8. Heef 45
9. Rad 43
10. Sir Creep 43
11. Boudicca 43
12. Grim 36
So in 2020…
Cup upsets, but from who?
Joey v Grim part 3? msc v Reptile part 3? (Please god no!) Do DDT and Spade finally meet?
Who will be the Boudicca of 2019? Or indeed the Squonk?
This and more in the coming months!