The Mad Hatter 1,092 Posted October 21, 2018 Do you guys know the joke of bart simpson (rude). Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
FixedBusiness 407 Posted November 6, 2018 Thought you guys might like this guy's account. Hilarious videos. He tours with bands like Bad Religion if you were wondering who he is. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted November 12, 2018 Authorities say they are determined to track down the people responsible for the burning of the mock-up Grenfell Tower. They are interested in the materials used, as it resisted the fire twice as long as the real thing. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted November 12, 2018 A German midget jumped into the river yesterday to save my precious little dog who was drowning... ...After he climbed out he handed me the dog and said "Here is ze dog, keep him warm, dry him off and he vil be fine"... ...I said to him "Are you a little vet?" He replied "A little vet?"..... "I'm fucking soaked" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,647 Posted November 24, 2018 Thought I'd share some moments from a gig I went to last night. The Kieran Poole Show is a good idea (plays pubs in the arse-end of the south east, combines comedians and has a general theme of exploring the shittest jobs anyone's ever done): https://www.facebook.com/TheKieranPooleShow/ Top gag last night was one comedian kidding on he hid his comedy career from his mum and pretended he was going out on a date. When she asked who he was seeing he said "I have a date with destiny" the punchline being..."that's when I realised my mother is a racist!" A few other gags from Mike Kelson were so old school they were back in Bernard Manning territory, one about converting a lesbian by taking her to Twickenham and kicking her over the posts being par for the course. Another one revolved around a girl with massive breasts getting hurt by falling through a glass table - the punchline being "I said 'You've got a nasty gash' and she said 'with tits the size of these people don't usually notice it" Then he told one about a catholic priest who won a bucking bronco competition largely because his favourite choir boy was an epileptic! 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dr_T 254 Posted November 26, 2018 A group of women were doing group counseling due to obsessive compulsive disorders. He turns to the first women who was morbidly obese and says to her, "You are here because you are obsessed with food. You are so obsessed with food that you have called your daughters Candy and Honey." He then turns to the second women and says to her, "You're here cause you are obsessed with money. You are so obsessed with money that you called your daughter Penny and your son Buck." He then turned to the third women and said, "You're so obsessed with alcohol that you called your daughter Sherry and your son Jack-Daniel!" Before he gets the chance to turn to the fourth woman, she gets up and says, "Come on Dick, come on Willy, come on John Thomas, let's go home. This guy's full of shit!" 1 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Deathray 2,940 Posted November 26, 2018 3 hours ago, Dr_T said: A group of women were doing group counseling due to obsessive compulsive disorders. He turns to the first women who was morbidly obese and says to her, "You are here because you are obsessed with food. You are so obsessed with food that you have called your daughters Candy and Honey." He then turns to the second women and says to her, "You're here cause you are obsessed with money. You are so obsessed with money that you called your daughter Penny and your son Buck." He then turned to the third women and said, "You're so obsessed with alcohol that you called your daughter Sherry and your son Jack-Daniel!" Before he gets the chance to turn to the fourth woman, she gets up and says, "Come on Dick, come on Willy, come on John Thomas, let's go home. This guy's full of shit!" An old joke, funny none-the-less. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RIP Wee Jum 1,559 Posted November 27, 2018 My comedy box sets go on top of the wardrobe, but my old music magazines are piled under the bed. I keep my Friends close but my NMEs closer 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RIP Wee Jum 1,559 Posted December 1, 2018 The most arrogant man I ever met was an eight foot pharmacist. FAR too big for his Boots 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RIP Wee Jum 1,559 Posted December 1, 2018 I ordered a prime cut of meat. It was TINY. Then I remembered that ‘prime’ meant ‘can’t be divided into smaller pieces’ Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,647 Posted December 1, 2018 I couldn't believe it when this gorgeous new locum doctor met me at the surgery. She asked what the problem was. "My cock tastes funny," I said. 1 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,102 Posted December 7, 2018 A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd, buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said! "Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except.....The Magic Penis!" The husband said! "The what'?" The man repeated! "The Magic Penis!" And pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo. The husband laughed, and said! "It looks like a dildo!" The man then pointed to the door and said! "Magic Penis, door!" The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said! "Magic Penis, return to box!" And the penis stopped and returned to the box. The husband bought it and took it home to his wife. After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said! "Magic Penis, my vagina!" The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, the woman said! "I haven't had anything to drink officer! You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!" The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied! "Yeah right.....Magic Penis, my ass!" The rest, as they say, is history... 4 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,647 Posted December 15, 2018 The Holocaust exhibition in the Imperial War Museum really used to depress me. But then I walked in downstairs and went throught backwards - they start off skinny and miserable and finish up chubby and dancing in the street, magic! 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Redrumours 861 Posted December 17, 2018 Jose Mourinho couldn't win a sack race with Theresa May. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,647 Posted December 19, 2018 Just having some Lidl's Frosties! "Theyyyy'rrrrre...pretty average" 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,647 Posted December 21, 2018 14 hours ago, Paul Bearer said: With the Gatwick drone incident passing 24 hours police have begun working on the theory it's simply a woman trying to land the fucking thing 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted December 30, 2018 An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted December 30, 2018 If you are born in September, it’s pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,647 Posted January 19, 2019 Went out with Young Maryport and saw Jerry Sadowitz (again) last night. Funny and sick as fuck, absolute side-splitter rattling through the gags so fast it's hard to recall them but, a few that might come over in a post... He pulls two black cards from different suits from the pack and says; "That's my impression of Tiger Woods - a spade with a club" "Making upskirting a crime is just wrong. For fuck's sake, it's victimless; that's the whole fucking point. And, if you do get caught, the shame is enough - no need for more punishment" Ruth Davidson...somewhere in Scotland there is a pig with two apples in its mouth. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RIP Wee Jum 1,559 Posted January 20, 2019 Currently my favourite twiiter account Kids Write Jokes - https://twitter.com/KidsWriteJokes Some classic jokes include :- why did the chicken sat on her eggs? because she doesn't have a chair why did the dog miss work? because it was dead why did the cat cross the road? to live in the in the sewers like a giant snake 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,102 Posted January 20, 2019 I used to disapprove of organ transplants..... But then I had a change of heart. 1 5 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
