maryportfuncity 10,657 Posted May 25, 2019 At a job interview, the boss asked me, "What is your greatest weakness?" I glanced down at my wheelchair and said, "Surely you must be joking." "Not at all," he replied. "Alright then- underage fanny." 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
En Passant 3,743 Posted May 25, 2019 That's one of those where I'm sure I should cringe, not laugh, but did anyway. To paraphrase some old line I forget the provenance of "but I had the grace to feel bad about it".....Rab C Nesbitt probably. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,109 Posted June 5, 2019 Only in Glasgow. Witnessed totally disgusting behaviour in town yesterday. A man and a woman arguing in front of a load of children. First she smacked him on the head and then it all kicked off between them. Then the police turned up and the policeman ended up using his baton on the bloke but the man actually managed to get the baton off the copper and started hitting the copper and the woman with it. Then a crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages... 4 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,657 Posted June 8, 2019 Just been in a shop in Liverpool and the packet said, 'Multi pack, not to be sold separately'. I had to get my Fathers Day card from somewhere else. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted June 8, 2019 https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-48479659 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted June 12, 2019 Ukraine has announced plans to open Chernobyl as a theme park. They say ”Its just like Disneyland.” Yeah except the 6-foot mouse is real. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted June 12, 2019 I've put massive billboards up on the side of my house one says "Henry the VIII was a Fat protestant Bigamist" and the other says "Elizabeth the 1st was an ugly ginger virgin" . Well the wife said she always wanted to live in a Mock tudor house . Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted June 12, 2019 I dropped the soap in the prison shower today. A big N-word, with a cock like a python, handed it back to me. "Nice try, you ugly cunt," he said. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dr_T 254 Posted June 13, 2019 Rastus and Jerome, a couple of proud big black men were invited to a costume party where they had to come dressed as an emotion. When they arrived their hostess greeted them at the door and her jaw dropped seeing Rastus stark bollocks naked except for a carton of custard over his cock. Jerome was naked too with his modesty preserved by nothing more than a pear. "Oh my!" she exclaimed, "But what emotions are you?" Rastus went "Well I'm FUCKING DISGUSTED", and Jerome added "And I'm DEEP IN DESPAIR!" 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bladan 293 Posted June 15, 2019 "So, Mr Schwarzenegger, let's play make believe. I'll be Mozart. Who'll you be?" "'I'll be Bach." 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,657 Posted June 21, 2019 So, that Jimmy Carr gag that made the papers "Do you think dwarves are abortions that made it?" Funny or too sick? Tbh I laughed first so I've - kind of - settled that in my own mind Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,219 Posted June 21, 2019 I didn't laugh purely because I did not think it was particularly funny. If Jim Davidson had said 'Why do Pakistanis smell? So the blind can hate them too' he would have had every rent a quote in Westminster and all 'Offended of Kingston Upon Thames' all over him, pretty much finishing him for good but Carr? Pretty much fuck all apart from The Little People Charity expressing their dismay. We live in strange times. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,657 Posted June 30, 2019 Two priests are driving down the road when they are stopped by two police officers. "We're looking for two child molesters," the officers tell them. The priests look at each other before they speak. "We'll do it." 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bladan 293 Posted June 30, 2019 What is the worst enemy of the Matterhorn? Antimatterhorn 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted June 30, 2019 4 hours ago, bladan said: What is the worst enemy of the Matterhorn? Antimatterhorn I was called Matterhorn till I payed a doctor some money now I am mont blanc or so he promised Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bladan 293 Posted July 1, 2019 19 hours ago, runebomme said: I was called Matterhorn till I payed a doctor some money now I am mont blanc or so he promised Never visit a doctor. And never drink any blanc until it's well chilled Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted July 2, 2019 12 hours ago, bladan said: Never visit a doctor. And never drink any blanc until it's well chilled there is that Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted July 3, 2019 Child to his mum; 'Mummy, what is dark humour?' 'Well sweetheart, you see that man over there with no arms?' 'No Mummy, I'm blind' 'Exactly.' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bladan 293 Posted July 3, 2019 4 hours ago, runebomme said: Child to his mum; 'Mummy, what is dark humour?' 'Well sweetheart, you see that man over there with no arms?' 'No Mummy, I'm blind' 'Exactly.' 'Mummy, how long will I have to hop on one leg?' 'Well sweetheart, until the chainsaw is fixed' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TQR 14,405 Posted July 7, 2019 My phone’s autocorrect is such a bastard. To my embarrassment, I’ve just texted my mate asking if he wanted to go for a wank by the river. I meant the canal. 1 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,657 Posted July 8, 2019 For her birthday the wife wanted "something that went from 0-160 in four seconds" I bought her weighing scales 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted July 8, 2019 a man walks into a zoo the only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. it's a shitzo Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
runebomme 377 Posted July 8, 2019 https://www.irishtimes.com/news/offbeat/creamofjokes-11-jokes-that-were-funny-in-the-1800s-1.2575356 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
