A Joke

[Paul Bearer 6,101]

A truck that spreads salt on the roads when the weather forecast is snow/frost/icy conditions.

 

Dont know the US/Canadian equivelant name

[Canadian Paul 97]

A truck that spreads salt on the roads when the weather forecast is snow/frost/icy conditions.

 

Dont know the US/Canadian equivelant name

I must already be in "Friday" mode, because I can't think of it either.

 

Anyhow, shokraan HCW.

[One shot Paddy 1,206]

A young man walks into a drug store and asks the cashier for some condoms. The cashier says "Got a good one?"

 

"Yup, hot date tonight! This ones pretty much in the bag? she's sexy and givin' it up tonight!" the man replies.

 

A little while later the man goes to his girlfriends house and they sit down to eat dinner with her parents. They ask him to say grace. So he starts saying grace quickly and nervously. He prays and prays and prays some more.

 

The girl looks over to the young man and says to him "I didn't know that you were so religious!"

 

The young man says "I didn't know your father worked at a drugstore!"

 

[Paul Bearer 6,101]

shokraan

eh?

[Canadian Paul 97]

shokraan

eh?

Transliterated Arabic for "thank you"

[Paul Bearer 6,101]

shokraan

eh?

Transliterated Arabic for "thank you"

Ah! I see. shokraan for explaining that!

[honez 79]

One day three women were out shopping when they found a brass lamp.

One of them rubbed it and--POP!--a Genie appeared.

 

"Thank you for freeing me from my prison. I shalll grant each of you one wish as a reward," the Genie says.

 

The first woman, a blonde, wasn't so bright. "I've always wanted to be smart," she said, "so... I wish I was ten times smarter."

 

In a flash of smoke, POOF!, the Genie smiled and said, "Your wish has been granted."

 

The second woman, a brunette, didn't want to be outdone by the blonde. "I wish to be one hundred times smarter," she said.

 

There's another flash and a lot of smoke. "Your wish has been granted," he said.

 

The last woman, a redhead, smirked to herself. "I wish to be one thousand times smarter."

 

"Too easy!" the Genie said as the smoke cleared. "You are now a man."

[M Busby Airlines 7]

For example :

 

If Princess Di had married Chris Rea = Di Rea.

 

Mike Myers marries Helen Hunt = Mike Hunt.

 

 

You get the idea.....

 

 

 

 

[merged HCW]

[Lady Die 63]

If Nancy Dell'Olio married Lawrence Dallaglio would she call herself Nancy Dell'Olio-Dallaglio?

 

Does Peter Schmeichel have a son called Michael?

[Paul Bearer 6,101]

Darth vader + Ella Fitzgerrald = EllaVader (Elevator)

[BobTheChicken 0]

Officially voted the world's funniest joke (see link http://www.laughlab.co.uk/summary.html):

 

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"

[Lady Die 63]

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles

on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body: A Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his

mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

 

"Second body: A Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on

whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

 

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Well now," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Paddy Quinn

an Irishman, 30, struck by lightning."

 

"Why is he smiling then?"inquires the Inspector.

 

 

 

"Ah" says the coroner " He thought he was having his picture taken."

[Lady Die 63]

> >At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouse bloke 6ft 5in tall and

> >350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously

> >gay man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the gay fella

> >finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big

> >Liverpudlian.

> >

> >Leaning over, he cups his huge ear "Do you want a bl*w job?" he whispers.

> >At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks

> >the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him

> >all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the

> >car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened. Amazed the

> >bartender quickly brings over another beer.

> >

> >"I've never seen you react like that" he says "Just what did he say to

> >you?"

> >"I'm not sure" the big scouser replies. "Something about a job."

[Paul Bearer 6,101]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

 

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

 

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he leaves.

 

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months pass and the couple is still waiting. As they waited, they discuss that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we still together FOREVER?"

 

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns looking somewhat bedraggled.

 

"Yes" he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven".

 

"Great!" said the couple, "but we were just wondering what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven"?

 

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard on the ground.

 

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

 

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a LAWYER?

[Paul Bearer 6,101]

A husband was in BIG trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.

 

 

"Tomorrow," his wife angrily told him, "there had better be something in our driveway that goes from zero to 200 in two seconds flat!"

 

 

The next morning, the wife looked outside and saw a small package in the driveway. She brought it inside, opened it ....

and found a brand new bathroom scale.

 

 

Funeral services for her husband have been set for Saturday ...

[Paul Bearer 6,101]

What do men and beer bottles have in common?

they are both empty from the neck up.

 

 

What`s a mans idea of helping with the housework?

Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

 

 

Two guys were walking down a street when one guy exclaims "How sad a dead bird"

The other man looked UP and said "WHERE"?

[Paul Bearer 6,101]

And finally tonight....

 

Tom joins the French foreign legion

After a week he feels more horny than is good for him

"Hey Bill," he says, "Where does a guy get his oats around here?"

"No women around here, but Cecil the camel is tied up by the palm tree, why don't you take him?" replies Bill.

Disgusted, Tom says, "God, that's sick, I'd sooner go without."

A Month goes by, and Tom is positively throbbing, "Jesus Bill, I need it, and I need it NOW!!!" he rants.

"So just take Cecil, he's very obliging.... for a camel," says Bill.

"No, that's just sick......." says Tom.

 

However, when six months have gone by and Tom is dripping into his undies, he goes to Bill...

 

"O.K. Bill..... It's gonna have to be Cecil, but listen, I never 'took' a camel before. Do us a favour and check that I'm doing it right."

 

Tom aproaches Cecil from behind, drops his trousers and slides his eager manhood right up in there.

 

"So how am I doing?" asks Tom.

"Well," says Bill, "Most of the guys, take Cecil...... and ride him into town, where the girlies are......."

[Paul Bearer 6,101]

Oh go on then, one for our U.S. cousins.........

 

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible.

He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the

wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.

"This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the

pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror

and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

 

"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he

tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then

110, 120 mph.

 

Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."

He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch

up with him.

 

The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man.

"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

 

The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a

Florida State trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."

[Paul Bearer 6,101]

Last and final for tonight, I promise

 

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when

He notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little

ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the

middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being

pulled by her dog and her cat.

The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.

"That sure is a nice fire engine," the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks" the girl says.

The fire-fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has

tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell

you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the

cat's collar too, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right,

but then I wouldn't have a siren."

[Deadornot 12]

When Ah Sh*t is considered appropriate

 

[Deadornot 12]

And some more...

 

 

 

 

and 1 more...

 

[Captain Oates 21]

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules, so the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, and his wife flew down the following day.

 

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

 

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.

 

After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

 

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: October 16, 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

 

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here.

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

After Al Jaeera launched their new Urdu service they took a call from Cilla Black trying to book in for a shampoo and set.

[Paul Bearer 6,101]

Three businessmen were sitting in a bar drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The first says “I can tell you, my wife is so stupid, last week she bought $300 worth of meat just because it was on sale. We don’t even have a fridge big enough to keep it in!”

 

The second agrees that she sounds pretty dumb but claims that his wife is worse.

“Last week she spent $17000 on a new car, and she can’t even drive!”

 

The third, a blonde guy, nods wisely and agrees that these two women sound like they went for a stroll in the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber.

“I have to laugh when I think about it” he chuckles. “Last week, my wife went on vacation to Greece.

I watched her pack her bags and she must have packed at least five boxes of condoms.

She doesn’t even have a penis!”

[Paul Bearer 6,101]

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"

 

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.

 

"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream."

 

So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."

 

So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

 

She said, "You now have 3 wishes."

 

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."

 

She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

 

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"

 

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We then made love for hours!"

 

Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

 

I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"