Lady Die 63 Posted May 9, 2006 Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner. Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad how's the golf?" Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now." Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right." Tiger says, "You play golf?" Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years." Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?" Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice" "But how do you putt?" asks Woods. Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice." Woods asks, 'What's your handicap?" Stevie says, 'Well, I'm a scratch golfer." Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, 'We've got to play a round sometime." Wonder replies, 'Well, people-don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $100,000 a hole." Woods, thinking he's in for some easy money replies, "OK, I'm up for that, when would you like to play?" Stevie says, "Pick a night." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,684 Posted May 9, 2006 Re the Sickepedia; Checked out the paedo section, absolutely sick, especially the short jokes at the end. Highly recommended but not for drive by ranters. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,132 Posted May 12, 2006 Man walks into a debt collection agency. He has some fruit cocktail in his left ear. From his right ear, custard has dribbled all over his shoulder revealing the jelly soaked sponge cake plugging that ear. "Excuse me," says the man behind him in the queue, "but why do you have fruit, custard and sponge in your ears?"...... "You'll, have to excuse me," the man says, "I'm a trifle deaf". Just behind these two was a woman who had a five pound note in her left ear and a five pound note in her right ear...... apparantly she was ten pounds in arears......... yeah, yeah yeah.................. I know, the old ones are the best Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Die 63 Posted May 19, 2006 President Bush and Donald Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?" The bartender says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow,! this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?" Bush says, "We're planning WW III." And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?" Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Halibuts and one blonde with big tits." The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?" Bush turns to Rumsfeld and say! , "See, I told you no one CARES about the 140 million Halibuts". Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Die 63 Posted May 19, 2006 A South African gold miner loses his leg in a mining accident and is sat in hospital talking to his mate. "Well that's me knackered, who on earth's going to want a one legged gold digger?" His mate replies "Well, you could try Paul McCartney" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Six 23 Posted May 19, 2006 Very good, Lady Die. Made me spit my tea out. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Die 63 Posted May 26, 2006 News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills- McCartney. Mrs Mills- McCartney is said to be distraught over the split "He has been my crutch for so long!!" She said in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm stumped" She's reported to be making frantic efforts to keep the split as civil as possible. "She's 'Running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she will need all the support she can get its not like its easy to walk out on a relationship like this" It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world amassing a colossal wealth due to his participation with The Beatles and subsequent musical collaborations, if an agreement hasn't been signed it is believed that she won't have a leg to stand on. Rumours abound over the split have suggested that infidelity may have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to get her leg over". Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said "he would get home at night and find her legless" Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul had got her for the wedding, she heard he was getting her a plane. It all became clear when she opened her first present, it was not the type of plane she was expecting. From then on she was able to shave both her legs! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TLC 9 Posted June 9, 2006 A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants. This is a major breakthrough, since women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Grendel 139 Posted June 11, 2006 A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch... you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to The Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 ? These men have jobs and love the Lord. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 ? These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but she feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but her suspense and curiosity get the best of her and she continues on to the sixth floor. She gets to the 6th floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - "You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor is here to simply prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at The Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tuber Mirum 126 Posted June 11, 2006 That store was such a success, they opened a similar store for men to get women. On the first floor you find women who like having sex. No man has ever yet visited the second floor. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Six 23 Posted June 12, 2006 I just love this thread! Well done Lady G and Notapotato, two excellent jokes there! I wish I knew some good jokes. errrmmmmm Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Banshees Scream 110 Posted June 12, 2006 That store was such a success, they opened a similar store for men to get women. On the first floor you find women who like having sex. No man has ever yet visited the second floor. Notapotato, a much younger women may fufill your dreams... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tuber Mirum 126 Posted June 13, 2006 That store was such a success, they opened a similar store for men to get women. On the first floor you find women who like having sex. No man has ever yet visited the second floor. Notapotato, a much younger women may fufill your dreams... Right oh. Send her over then. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Banshees Scream 110 Posted June 13, 2006 That store was such a success, they opened a similar store for men to get women. On the first floor you find women who like having sex. No man has ever yet visited the second floor. Notapotato, a much younger women may fufill your dreams... Right oh. Send her over then. How about 19, first year in college, Hott, And trust me I have great taste. Half Italian, Half Irish, great girl. Great skin. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Josco 49 Posted June 13, 2006 That store was such a success, they opened a similar store for men to get women. On the first floor you find women who like having sex. No man has ever yet visited the second floor. Notapotato, a much younger women may fufill your dreams... Right oh. Send her over then. How about 19, first year in college, Hott, And trust me I have great taste. Half Italian, Half Irish, great girl. Great skin. Could I have one of those? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
honez 79 Posted June 13, 2006 A turtle was walking down a dark alley, when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective later asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle replied, "I don't know. It all happened so fast." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,684 Posted June 16, 2006 Paul McCartney is talking to a journalist. Journalist .. 'This must have changed your view of relationships. Would you ever go down on one knee again Paul?' Paul .. 'I'd prefer it if you called her Heather'. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Banshees Scream 110 Posted June 17, 2006 That store was such a success, they opened a similar store for men to get women. On the first floor you find women who like having sex. No man has ever yet visited the second floor. Notapotato, a much younger women may fufill your dreams... Right oh. Send her over then. How about 19, first year in college, Hott, And trust me I have great taste. Half Italian, Half Irish, great girl. Great skin. Could I have one of those? Josco, like Notapotato you are a man of brillient thought. It is never a sin in my book to love pleasure. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Josco 49 Posted June 17, 2006 That store was such a success, they opened a similar store for men to get women. On the first floor you find women who like having sex. No man has ever yet visited the second floor. Notapotato, a much younger women may fufill your dreams... Right oh. Send her over then. How about 19, first year in college, Hott, And trust me I have great taste. Half Italian, Half Irish, great girl. Great skin. Could I have one of those? Josco, like Notapotato you are a man of brillient thought. It is never a sin in my book to love pleasure. I'll have two then, please Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Banshees Scream 110 Posted June 17, 2006 That store was such a success, they opened a similar store for men to get women. On the first floor you find women who like having sex. No man has ever yet visited the second floor. Notapotato, a much younger women may fufill your dreams... Right oh. Send her over then. How about 19, first year in college, Hott, And trust me I have great taste. Half Italian, Half Irish, great girl. Great skin. Could I have one of those? Josco, like Notapotato you are a man of brillient thought. It is never a sin in my book to love pleasure. I'll have two then, please Well 2 would take much effort. It would consist of lieing. 1. I would have to say your a 40 year old man '10 years off your real age' 2. Very wealthy 'swimming pools' 'big screen TV's' 'A master bed room' 3. I would have to say your very good looking. Then perhaps you could get your wish of two girls at once. Although we must remember, that there would be no love here. And they say love is stronger then anything. Mrs.Josco may be where that love is. I don't think you need any 19 year old girls, I think one night soon taking Mrs. Josco out to dinner and buying her a small gift couldn't hurt. I think that you Josco can awaken the 19 year old girl in her. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Handrejka 1,911 Posted June 18, 2006 That store was such a success, they opened a similar store for men to get women. On the first floor you find women who like having sex. No man has ever yet visited the second floor. Notapotato, a much younger women may fufill your dreams... Right oh. Send her over then. How about 19, first year in college, Hott, And trust me I have great taste. Half Italian, Half Irish, great girl. Great skin. Could I have one of those? Josco, like Notapotato you are a man of brillient thought. It is never a sin in my book to love pleasure. I'll have two then, please Well 2 would take much effort. It would consist of lieing. 1. I would have to say your a 40 year old man '10 years off your real age' 2. Very wealthy 'swimming pools' 'big screen TV's' 'A master bed room' 3. I would have to say your very good looking. Then perhaps you could get your wish of two girls at once. Although we must remember, that there would be no love here. And they say love is stronger then anything. Mrs.Josco may be where that love is. I don't think you need any 19 year old girls, I think one night soon taking Mrs. Josco out to dinner and buying her a small gift couldn't hurt. I think that you Josco can awaken the 19 year old girl in her. That last line is so innuendo laden I don't even know where to start Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Banshees Scream 110 Posted June 18, 2006 That store was such a success, they opened a similar store for men to get women. On the first floor you find women who like having sex. No man has ever yet visited the second floor. Notapotato, a much younger women may fufill your dreams... Right oh. Send her over then. How about 19, first year in college, Hott, And trust me I have great taste. Half Italian, Half Irish, great girl. Great skin. Could I have one of those? Josco, like Notapotato you are a man of brillient thought. It is never a sin in my book to love pleasure. I'll have two then, please Well 2 would take much effort. It would consist of lieing. 1. I would have to say your a 40 year old man '10 years off your real age' 2. Very wealthy 'swimming pools' 'big screen TV's' 'A master bed room' 3. I would have to say your very good looking. Then perhaps you could get your wish of two girls at once. Although we must remember, that there would be no love here. And they say love is stronger then anything. Mrs.Josco may be where that love is. I don't think you need any 19 year old girls, I think one night soon taking Mrs. Josco out to dinner and buying her a small gift couldn't hurt. I think that you Josco can awaken the 19 year old girl in her. That last line is so innuendo laden I don't even know where to start This is not directed to Josco's wife. This is just a quote of mine. 'The cover of a book may be shredded on the outside' 'On the in the words are still read the same' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
honez 79 Posted June 19, 2006 This is not directed to Josco's wife. This is just a quote of mine. 'The cover of a book may be shredded on the outside' 'On the in the words are still read the same' I'm sure Josco would rather think of Lady J in William Styron's terms; "A great book should leave you with many experiences, and slightly exhausted." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Josco 49 Posted June 20, 2006 This is not directed to Josco's wife. This is just a quote of mine. 'The cover of a book may be shredded on the outside' 'On the in the words are still read the same' I'm sure Josco would rather think of Lady J in William Styron's terms; "A great book should leave you with many experiences, and slightly exhausted." Almost right Honez, but Mrs J is not so much exhausting, more exasperating. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Banshees Scream 110 Posted June 20, 2006 This is not directed to Josco's wife. This is just a quote of mine. 'The cover of a book may be shredded on the outside' 'On the in the words are still read the same' I'm sure Josco would rather think of Lady J in William Styron's terms; "A great book should leave you with many experiences, and slightly exhausted." Almost right Honez, but Mrs J is not so much exhausting, more exasperating. And there must be a reason behind all of this. Try pulling down the curtain. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
