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Oh aye, and...

 

Eid celebrations to go virtual as UK Muslims urged to stay at home.

 

They'll have to make do with a hit-and-run rampage on GTA 5 this year.

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What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste!

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59 minutes ago, Wee Jum said:

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste!

 

True story, I nearly found that out a few weeks ago. 

When this Covid lark started, I thought I'd better see if I still had a thermometer.   To my surprise I found two.  I popped one into my mouth to check that it still worked, turned the other one over and written on it in marker pen was the word DOG.

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A priest, a Rabbit and a Minister walk into a bar. The barman asks the Rabbit, "What do you want?" The Rabbit replied, "I don't know, I'm only here because of autocorrect"

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27 minutes ago, maryportfuncity said:

A priest, a Rabbit and a Minister walk into a bar. The barman asks the Rabbit, "What do you want?" The Rabbit replied, "I don't know, I'm only here because of autocorrect"

 

That goes to show that clean jokes can still be funny.

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IMG-20200530-WA0000.jpg

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Somewhere Dr. Fauci is screaming - "We must limit the stores to 10 looters at a time"

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IMG-20200601-WA0001.jpg

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Why does Jimmy Savile like Twenty Seven year olds?

 

Because there are twenty of them.

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Life is like a box of chocolates...

 

It doesn't last long if you're fat.

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Reports confirm that over 4 million men and women around the globe have suffered from COVID 19. I'm really glad there were no reports of COVID from the other 209 genders.

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A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

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A fire fighter is polishing a fire engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.  The little girl is wearing a fire fighter’s helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.
“That sure is a nice fire truck,” the fire fighter says with admiration.
“Thanks,” the girl says.

The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied one wagon leash to the dog’s collar and one to the cat’s testicles.
“Little Partner,” the fire fighter says, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go a lot faster.”

The little girl pauses for a moment to think, looks at the wagon, at the dog and the cat, then shyly looks up into the fireman’s eyes and says……..
“You’re probably right………but then I wouldn’t have a fucking siren, would I?!

 

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Just rang my local DIY store and asked "how big is the queue"

 

The answer was pretty swift "same size as the B"

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Just as well they brought out a law to stop me smacking my kids. It was getting increasingly difficult to find a vein anyway.

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Did you hear about the dyslexic couple who struggle to have sex?

 

They tried to do the 96 position

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A couple more dyslexic jokes:

 

If life gives you melons then you're probably dyslexic

 

Did you hear about the gay guy who discovered he's dyslexic? Hes still in Daniel

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Man City finally top the table again (seriously), sadly it's the table for Sickipedia's hottest joke: 

 

Heard them playing blue moon at the Etihad before the game. Appropriate, because as usual theres no fucking atmosphere.

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11 minutes ago, maryportfuncity said:

Man City finally top the table again (seriously), sadly it's the table for Sickipedia's hottest joke: 

 

Heard them playing blue moon at the Etihad before the game. Appropriate, because as usual theres no fucking atmosphere.

I honestly thought that you were going to come on here tonight and post a highly inappropriate joke about our Dame Vera.

Come on man!!

I'm waiting. :D

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4 minutes ago, Lord Fellatio Nelson said:

I honestly thought that you were going to come on here tonight and post a highly inappropriate joke about our Dame Vera.

Come on man!!

I'm waiting. :D

 

Dame Vera Lynn is dead. I was going to suggest a statue in her honour at the white cliffs of Dover. It would probably be pushed into the Strait because of what she did for the war effort. Or because she sang about bluebirds, not blackbirds.

or

Dame Vera Lynn is up in Heaven now. Getting gangbanged by the 384,000 British troops who died during WW2.

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Oh and just so we don't get accused of picking on certain celeb deaths and not others.

 

Ladbrokes are investigating a £50,000 winning bet on a popular snooker player to die on the 17th June. The bet was phoned in from a Spanish hospital by a customer with a Midlands accent.

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4 minutes ago, Miracle Aligner said:

 

Dame Vera Lynn is dead. I was going to suggest a statue in her honour at the white cliffs of Dover. It would probably be pushed into the Strait because of what she did for the war effort. Or because she sang about bluebirds, not blackbirds.

or

Dame Vera Lynn is up in Heaven now. Getting gangbanged by the 384,000 British troops who died during WW2.

Terrible, just terrible.

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Just now, Lord Fellatio Nelson said:

 Terrible, just terrible.

 

Don't blame me - blame the same site mpfc frequents..... (I dared to have a look for the first time in years)

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34 minutes ago, Miracle Aligner said:

 

Dame Vera Lynn is dead. I was going to suggest a statue in her honour at the white cliffs of Dover. It would probably be pushed into the Strait because of what she did for the war effort. Or because she sang about bluebirds, not blackbirds.

 

 

Tsk tsk.  Surely you mean birds of colour.

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