maryportfuncity 10,630 Posted December 13, 2008 A woman visits her doctor complaining of a strange feeling in her lower stomach. The doctor examines her and states; "Well, I can tell you that you'll need to be buying lots of nappies in about nine months time." "Am I pregnant?" she gasped. "That is wonderful news!" "I'm afraid not," replied the doctor. "You have bowel cancer." & Doctor: Well, it's really bad news I'm afraid, we've run all the tests and you definitely have Alzheimers. And that lump is a malignant cancer. Patient: Well, at least I don't have cancer, eh? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
themaninblack 2,112 Posted December 14, 2008 A woman visits her doctor complaining of a strange feeling in her lower stomach. The doctor examines her and states; "Well, I can tell you that you'll need to be buying lots of nappies in about nine months time." "Am I pregnant?" she gasped. "That is wonderful news!" "I'm afraid not," replied the doctor. "You have bowel cancer." & Doctor: Well, it's really bad news I'm afraid, we've run all the tests and you definitely have Alzheimers. And that lump is a malignant cancer. Patient: Well, at least I don't have cancer, eh? I think you should combine the two: Woman goes to see a Doctor for tests. Doctor has the results. 'You ought to buy nappies in future' 'Oh, am I pregnant?' asks the woman. 'No, you've got Alzhiemer's' replies the Doc... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Anubis the Jackal 77 Posted December 23, 2008 I visited the doctors last week. I said 'Doctor, can you take look at my genitals they appear to have turned orange and I'm deeply concerned by it' 'What do you do for a living Sir?' The doctor replied. 'Nothing doctor, I'm unemployed' I said 'So what do you do all day?' The doctor said in a suggestive tone. I replied in a confused manner 'Well, everyday I just get up, sit on the sofa, eat Wotsits and watch porn' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tuber Mirum 125 Posted December 25, 2008 I hear the Queen's Christmas message is going to be shorter this year. Just the one finger. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lard Bazaar 3,799 Posted December 28, 2008 What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? One makes your day, the other makes your hole weak. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,630 Posted December 28, 2008 A scarecrow was allowed into Oxford University. He didn't have any A' levels but the admissions tutors judged him to be out-standing in his field. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,630 Posted January 8, 2009 I hear Jett Travolta died when he caught a bad case of Saturday Night Fever from his dad. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lard Bazaar 3,799 Posted January 8, 2009 I hear Jett Travolta died when he caught a bad case of Saturday Night Fever from his dad. No no no, that was all a lie - they were actually in Athens, and he got struck by Greece lightning. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Windsor 2,233 Posted January 8, 2009 I hear Jett Travolta died when he caught a bad case of Saturday Night Fever from his dad. Apparently it prevented him from ah ah ah ah stayin' alive... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Geronimo 3 Posted January 15, 2009 A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?' The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.' The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?' The Aussie said 'One!' The manager groaned: 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?' '£124,237.64p.' The manager choked: '£124,237.64p!! What the hell did you sell him?' 'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod. 'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat. 'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4x4.' The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?' 'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said... 'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lard Bazaar 3,799 Posted January 16, 2009 Woman goes on to the Antiques Roadshow, puts a tampon on the table and says 'tell me what period that is from'. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
honez 79 Posted January 17, 2009 An old lady called me over to the ATM and asked me if I'd help her check her balance. So I pushed her and she fell over. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,630 Posted January 19, 2009 The Asda Greeter > > A very loud, greasy, unattractive, > tattooed, welfare dependent, chav, minger of a woman wearing a > Celtic top walked into ASDA in Castlemilk (a sprawling > council estate on Glasgow's south side) with her two > kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the > entrance. > > The ASDA greeter said pleasantly, > 'Good morning madam, and welcome to ASDA. Nice children > you have there. Are they twins by any chance?' > > The ugly woman stopped yelling long > enough to say, 'F*ck naw, they're nae twins. The > oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. > Why the f*ck would you think > they're twins? Are you blind, thick or just stupid?' > > 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, > Madam,'replied the greeter. 'I just couldn't > believe you've been shagged twice. > > Have a good day, and thank you for > shopping at ASDA. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,630 Posted January 23, 2009 Man goes into a pet shop and says "I want to buy a wasp" pet shop owner says "we dont sell wasps" customer says " well you had one in the window yesterday. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom 2,531 Posted January 27, 2009 It is reported that Barack Obama has already had a positive impact on the US economy.Since elected sales of white sheets and guns have increased 10-fold. Timber sales for 2x4s and also gasoline sales have also increased Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,630 Posted January 27, 2009 From a thread on the Carlisle message board - incidentally, we're one up away at Hartlepool! Can't say they're all winners but the one about why men fart more than women..........that one made me laugh. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry It! What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side. What are the three fastest means of communication? 1) Television 2) Telephone 3) Telawoman How are fat girls and mopeds alike? They're both fun to ride until your friends find out. What should you give a woman who has everything? A man to show her how to work it. Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist? Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up? Because they don't have balls to scratch. Why do women fake orgasms ? Because they think men care. What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing, she's been told twice already. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? Made her chain too long How many men does it take to open a beer? None, it should be opened when she brings it. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me..' How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course, he'll shut up once you let him in. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.. It's called a Wedding Cake. Why do men die before their wives? They want to. Women will never be equal to men.. Until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lard Bazaar 3,799 Posted January 27, 2009 From a thread on the Carlisle message board - incidentally, we're one up away at Hartlepool! Can't say they're all winners but the one about why men fart more than women..........that one made me laugh. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry It! What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side. What are the three fastest means of communication? 1) Television 2) Telephone 3) Telawoman How are fat girls and mopeds alike? They're both fun to ride until your friends find out. What should you give a woman who has everything? A man to show her how to work it. Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist? Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up? Because they don't have balls to scratch. Why do women fake orgasms ? Because they think men care. What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing, she's been told twice already. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? Made her chain too long How many men does it take to open a beer? None, it should be opened when she brings it. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me..' How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course, he'll shut up once you let him in. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.. It's called a Wedding Cake. Why do men die before their wives? They want to. Women will never be equal to men.. Until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. What's the useless bit of skin at the end of a penis called? A man. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Windsor 2,233 Posted February 7, 2009 Deathlisters of a nervous disposition beware! For years the Buchan area has been terrorised by the 'Beast of Buchan', and finally this creature has been captured, and photographed for the first time! Brace yourself now...behold - the Beast of Buchan! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,218 Posted February 7, 2009 Whats the difference between Boy George and a Scouse Car Thief? A Scouse Car Thief wouldnt have been caught illegally entering the back of an Escort. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lard Bazaar 3,799 Posted February 8, 2009 I've got my first Gamblers Anonymous meeting tomorrow. I rang them today to check the time. It's ten to one. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TAFKAG 70 Posted February 8, 2009 I've got my first Gamblers Anonymous meeting tomorrow. I rang them today to check the time. It's ten to one. I'll bet you it isn't. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lard Bazaar 3,799 Posted February 8, 2009 I've got my first Gamblers Anonymous meeting tomorrow. I rang them today to check the time. It's ten to one. I'll bet you it isn't. Double or quits? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,099 Posted February 15, 2009 IRISH LOVE STORY An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon ........................ 'F*** off' she said, 'they're for the funeral.' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Windsor 2,233 Posted February 17, 2009 Surely a joke? Both Mr Hassan and his wife worked at Bridges TV, a station aimed at countering stereotypes of Halibuts. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
