Room 101

[Cowboy Ronnie 78]

Sky TV. My Sky+ box stopped recording over Christmas and I had to make no less than seven calls before Sky would eventually accept they couldn't fix it over the phone and sent someone out with a new box (which I had to pay for). Total time spent on hold waiting for "customer service" to pick up - over four hours. Which, as the service number was one of those 08705 specials, cost me almost £5 on my phone bill. If they weren't so collectively incompetent I'd suspect Sky and BT of being in cahoots.

[Slave to the Grave 26]

I'd like to put my car, Nigel, into room 101. He is ugly and old. He has a large engine without any of the benefits of having a large engine ie sportiness and speed. He is exceptionally expensive to repair allegedly because he is old and not very common. I have just returned from the garage where I was informed that because of his oldness and his large engine half a new exhaust will cost 380euros plus labour plus VAT

 

So what sort of car is Nigel then?

 

Nigel is a Fiat Tempra, the car that Jeremy Clarkson once described as being like driving a sofa. He has very bad suspension and most children vomit copiously within about 10 minutes of being driven around. He was a special model made for the British market (he's a right hand drive) and has a bigger engine than normal thus parts are rather dear.

[Olveres 8]

I'd like to put my car, Nigel, into room 101. He is ugly and old. He has a large engine without any of the benefits of having a large engine ie sportiness and speed. He is exceptionally expensive to repair allegedly because he is old and not very common. I have just returned from the garage where I was informed that because of his oldness and his large engine half a new exhaust will cost 380euros plus labour plus VAT

 

So what sort of car is Nigel then?

 

Nigel is a Fiat Tempra, the car that Jeremy Clarkson once described as being like driving a sofa. He has very bad suspension and most children vomit copiously within about 10 minutes of being driven around. He was a special model made for the British market (he's a right hand drive) and has a bigger engine than normal thus parts are rather dear.

 

Ah right, I sell parts for cars, what engine size is Nigel and model spec, I may be able to help you save some money...

[Real Madron 6]

1&1 by any chance?

It's an anagram of TB.

 

Another day and another 60 IP addresses later, no progress except in my proficiency at clicking off and on again to the router so that the data stream can continue.

 

hey Cap. couldnt help but notice your little connection problem. my PC at home used to do that all the time, just throw me offline about six times a night, sometimes not connecting again for hours. i bought a wireless router to use the laptop upstairs, and i havent been disconnected since. i always thought a new router wouldnt help but it has been brilliant.

[Slave to the Grave 26]

Ah right, I sell parts for cars, what engine size is Nigel and model spec, I may be able to help you save some money...

 

Have pmed you his vital statistics.

[Monoclinic 39]

To the guy who phoned Sky I have a little hint for you...

 

http://www.saynoto0870.com/search.php

 

You can usually find a geographically located phone number and if you are lucky a free phone number. Even if it is not the right department just demand to be put through.

 

(This can sometimes work for foriegn call centres if you find out their switchboard number and ask to speak to someone in the UK who (I hope) is not going to ask for the mobile phone number of Belgium!!!)

 

Which leads me to ask SttG - did you re-register your car in France? If not who are you insured with back in blighty?

 

More Than insured me last year, agreed to a renewal then decided there was a problem and said last year was a mistake and please could I leave my car in the UK or get Belgian insurance - like I am going to enter into even more Belgian bureaucracy I am already paddleless in a brown murky creek of unresolved effluent bullshit.

 

As for More Than, I blame the Russian roulette of multi-regional call centres and incompetent Customer Managers. In fact as Belgium is more than likely to already be in room 101, I wish to place the word manager in room 101. It is over used and in fact very misleading. Most of the customer managers I have spoken to at aforementioned company would be hard pushed to manage the preverbial in a brewery. That's lucky.

[Slave to the Grave 26]

Which leads me to ask SttG - did you re-register your car in France? If not who are you insured with back in blighty?

 

We re-registered our car as we are not planning to return to the UK. A bureaucratic nightmare

[Olveres 8]

Which leads me to ask SttG - did you re-register your car in France? If not who are you insured with back in blighty?

 

We re-registered our car as we are not planning to return to the UK. A bureaucratic nightmare

 

You lucky so and so.

[TLC 9]

Work.

 

On Friday an old work colleague of mine whom I occasionally stay in touch with phoned to let me know he'd been made redundant, and ask if any jobs were available at my place. I said I'd ask and let him know.

 

My direct boss has now informed me that as far as the directors are concerned my job might be up for grabs.... he is admittedly far better at my job than I am. I'm aware that strictly speaking that'd be illegal, but there are ways to get rid of someone low down in a company fairly easily, you just need someone to suddenly apply the absolute letter of the law to your position and almost anyone can get sacked. Turn up 2 mins late, verbal warning; make an insignificant mistake in your work, 1st written warning etc. I've seen it done at previous places of employment.

 

I'd like to think he wouldn't take the job if he knew he'd be taking my place, but he's nearly 60 and new age discrimination laws or not, people getting close to retirement have a tougher time getting work so he might have to take it even if he doesn't like the situation.

 

Anyone else need any good deeds done for them today?

[TLC 9]

Oh, and a side issue; (some) commuters. If you're catching a train to a terminus it's not rocket science to know if you are at the front of the train you'll avoid the queues at the barriers and save about 5 mins compared to those at the rear. At the back, you're more likely to get a seat (on my line anyway). But every morning at Charing Cross I get barged out of the way by people who've sat at the back and are suddenly in a hurry to get to work.

 

My tip: get an earlier train, get on at the front, or f*ck off.

 

Oh, and the ones who try and squeeze on a completely packed train and then get angry when no-one 'lets them on'. Sometimes it's because people don't move up so that's fair enough, but you can see through the windows if that's the case. I had one f*ckwit telling me 'you must move up, or I'll be late' one day; I imagine he was late..

 

When I said, "Oh right, do you think we're hiding a one person sized space on this carriage but we don't want to let you have it?" and he replied, "Are you talking to me?", I think I surprised him by saying, "Yes, who the f*ck else do you think I'm talking to!" because he was much bigger than me and didn't haul me off the train and batter me to a pulp.

[Captain Oates 21]

1&1 by any chance?

It's an anagram of TB.

 

Another day and another 60 IP addresses later, no progress except in my proficiency at clicking off and on again to the router so that the data stream can continue.

 

hey Cap. couldnt help but notice your little connection problem. my PC at home used to do that all the time, just throw me offline about six times a night, sometimes not connecting again for hours. i bought a wireless router to use the laptop upstairs, and i havent been disconnected since. i always thought a new router wouldnt help but it has been brilliant.

I've been thrown off 12 times since 10 past 6 this evening - and every time I get back on , it's a different IP address!

I suspect that it's something to do with BT trying to provide a "faster" (actually slower but wider) connection by somehow moving the connection around between servers. I think it's called 'interleaved' mode. 'Fast' mode is "slower" (actually faster but narrower) but only works within a certain distance of the exchange. Please will somebody correct me if my (rather vague) understanding of this is all up the spout.

 

What I really can't understand is why they need to give me a faster connection when I was very happy with the one I had previously. I feel as if I'm being used as an experimental resource while they try to sort out their technology.

 

Incidentally, no-one called back from the line fault department within 24 hours as they promised they would do.

 

 

RM, I use a wireless router, BT Voyager 2100, which works well! The data connection problem is the same with Ethernet cable or wireless and also if I use my old USB modem. Having been through all the trouble-shooting stuff that I can find, I'm fully convinced that the problem is with the DSL supplier.

 

The bit that really annoys me is that even if any of the charming Indian "help-line" call-centre staff actually know how I can put things right, they can't risk telling me about it because it's not in their script!

[TLC 9]

What really annoys me is that even if any of the charming Indian "help-line" call-centre staff actually know how I can put things right, they can't risk telling me about it because it's not in their script!

My own magical experiences (3 mobile) of dealing with the immensely polite yet heart-attack inducingly unhelpful Indian call-centre staff suggests they are the trial version of a human 'Ask Jeeves'.

 

I say this because they seem to pick their scripted replies by picking key words from my question, and using the closest match from their scripted 'expected questions from the customer' list to give their reply. As with search engines, the order of the words and their context makes no difference.

 

Except that with a search engine you can at least refine your search to allow for this, to a degree.

 

On more than one occasion, I have found myself saying 'thanks for the answer, but what on earth has that got to do with my question?' I rarely get an answer to that...

[Monoclinic 39]

I don't want to start another debate in the House of Commons about race relations. I find that on a personal level I prefer the curteous manner I get from our man in Mumbai. However, from previous experience I now tend to be reassured by a Scouse accent when it comes to issues such as car insurance to make sure I am actually insured. Though I must say thanks to outsourcing I did manage to have my car for a year to explore the neighbouring countries. At least Belge has its benefits - you don't have to travel far to escape it once in a weekend while.

 

I would be interested to know how many jobs have been lost in this country whilst those big greedy companies exploit take advantage of a cheaper workforce.

[Anubis the Jackal 77]

Scouse car insurance usually tends to be of the 'Mind yer car for a fiver, Mister?' variety.

However, from previous experience I now tend to be reassured by a Scouse accent when it comes to issues such as car insurance to make sure I am actually insured.

.

[Monoclinic 39]

Scouse car insurance usually tends to be of the 'Mind yer car for a fiver, Mister?' variety.

However, from previous experience I now tend to be reassured by a Scouse accent when it comes to issues such as car insurance to make sure I am actually insured.

.

 

I was going to add something to the effect that "i'd never thought I'd hear myself say this..." but I thought I had already done enough borderline xenophobic ranting on outsourcing that I didn't want to come over all Boris Johnson as well.

[TLC 9]

Scouse car insurance usually tends to be of the 'Mind yer car for a fiver, Mister?' variety.

However, from previous experience I now tend to be reassured by a Scouse accent when it comes to issues such as car insurance to make sure I am actually insured.

.

 

I was going to add something to the effect that "i'd never thought I'd hear myself say this..." but I thought I had already done enough borderline xenophobic ranting on outsourcing that I didn't want to come over all Boris Johnson as well.

Well thank god you didn't mention it, that could've looked really bad.

 

Erm.

 

Talking of xenophobia, that was the name of a board game we invented at school. I'll explain, like it or not... Not only were we made to have a triple period General Studies 'lesson' in the 6th form, we were ordered to do something to promote European unity, presumably because we were coming up to 1992, Maastricht treaty etc. There was absolutely no point to us having this lesson, it just stopped being able to finish school at lunchtime every Wednesday. The game was designed so that you were either English, French, Italian or German, and each question had 4 answers, one answer relevant to each country.

 

As we deliberately designed the game to f*ck off the teachers, you can imagine European harmony wasn't fully embraced and we may have played on national stereotyping a little bit. Oh, and if you played as Germany you couldn't win, the board was rigged. Oddly, we didn't get into the slightest bit of trouble, but then we were at a Grammar School where Margaret Thatcher wasn't seen as right-wing enough by most of the staff. They probably still weep at the country's decline since 1990...

 

Off-topic in room 101, is that a first? Or have I done it before?

[Bald rick 9]

Off-topic in room 101, is that a first? Or have I done it before?

If anyone has, you have. Keep up the good work!

[Anubis the Jackal 77]

I didn't want to come over all Boris Johnson as well.

 

no. just no, ok?

[Olveres 8]

I didn't want to come over all Boris Johnson as well.

 

no. just no, ok?

 

I'm glad you got the "over" and "all" words in the correct order.

[Monoclinic 39]

Just had to share this, whilst looking up what Boris said about Hillsborough, Bigley etc. I found out his full name. Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson.

 

I had a quick scan through the article at the surnames listed and can only assume that de Pfeffel was meant as a christian name. (Al Johnson). Ordinarily I'd say he probably got a lot of stick for that at school but seeing as he went to Eton it was probably one of the more common names.

 

To veer sharply back on topic - anyone got a middle name they'd like to throw into room 101?

[Anubis the Jackal 77]

Prompted by the idea of Sister Wendy, The Musical I wish a slow and painful death on anyone who thinks it is in any way humorous or original to juxtapose lowbrow pop culture and highbrow 'art.'

 

As an example, I give you the awful series of 'operas' currently infesting our national broadcasting network, oh-so-hilariously basing new operatic works on trash TV. if any BBC commissioning editors responsible for this bilge happen to be reading this...

 

 

 

 

...drown yourself in a vat of warm tramp-wee.

 

 

 

 

NOW!

 

 

OK, so 'Jerry Springer - The Opera' was a good idea and wound up those who enjoy getting wound up by that sort of thing, but please; don't trample it into the ground any more.

 

It rates alongside the BBC Symphony Orchestra playing a 'Grime' concert as the ultimate in patronising, self-satisfied sh*t-mongering, and is about as original and witty as a rugby team dressing up as ballet dancers. Again.

 

 

W**nkers.

[in eternum+ 22]

Prompted by the idea of Sister Wendy, The Musical I wish a slow and painful death on anyone who thinks it is in any way humorous or original to juxtapose lowbrow pop culture and highbrow 'art.'

 

As an example, I give you the awful series of 'operas' currently infesting our national broadcasting network, oh-so-hilariously basing new operatic works on trash TV. if any BBC commissioning editors responsible for this bilge happen to be reading this...

 

 

 

 

...drown yourself in a vat of warm tramp-wee.

 

 

 

 

NOW!

 

 

OK, so 'Jerry Springer - The Opera' was a good idea and wound up those who enjoy getting wound up by that sort of thing, but please; don't trample it into the ground any more.

 

It rates alongside the BBC Symphony Orchestra playing a 'Grime' concert as the ultimate in patronising, self-satisfied sh*t-mongering, and is about as original and witty as a rugby team dressing up as ballet dancers. Again.

 

 

W**nkers.

 

I take back what I just said in the Ideas and Possibilities thread - Tempus, is that you?

[Lard Bazaar 3,799]

Solicitors. Lazy, incompetent, money-grabbing, lying bastard fuckwits. I'm sorry for this pathetic excuse for a rant, but the only thing I can think of to say is AAAAAARRRRGHGHGHGHG f*****g BASTARD f***kers DO THE f*****g JOB I'M PAYING YOU THOUSANDS FOR AAAAAARRRRGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGH I really need a lie down I don't feel well.

 

 

Oooo look f*****t doesn't get censored.

 

Oh hang on, f*****t does but fuckwits doesn't.

[TLC 9]

Solicitors. Lazy, incompetent, money-grabbing, lying bastard fuckwits. I'm sorry for this pathetic excuse for a rant, but the only thing I can think of to say is AAAAAARRRRGHGHGHGHG f*****g BASTARD f***kers DO THE f*****g JOB I'M PAYING YOU THOUSANDS FOR AAAAAARRRRGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGH I really need a lie down I don't feel well.

 

 

Oooo look f*****t doesn't get censored.

 

Oh hang on, f*****t does but fuckwits doesn't.

Like C-word and cuntrag. Wow, c*nt gets automatically changed to C-word, how very Mary Whitehouse...

 

They'll be censoring 'naughty hedge' next, or possibly just trimming it a bit.

[Kain 0]

People who say c-word instead of C-word

Call a C-word a C-word I say. It's only four letters.

 

There are more offensive things in the world (war / death / poverty).

 

(clearly automatically changing C-word to c-word is going to make this read like gibberish )