Who Will Be The Next Us President ?

[Monoclinic 39]

MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

 

 

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

 

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

 

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

 

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

 

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections nor relentless international media airtime.

 

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

 

To aid the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

 

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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up 'vocabulary').

 

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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

 

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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

 

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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

 

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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

 

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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

 

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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

 

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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

 

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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

 

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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

 

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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

 

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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not widely played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

 

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13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

 

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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

 

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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

 

God Save the Queen!

 

PS: This post is intended only for those with a good sense of humour

[Madame Defarge 21]

This all sounds perfectly reasonable except for one thing. I don't think anyone should be allowed to shoot growse greeses gruoce those fluffy brown birds, either.

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

I was about to demand Monoclinic was given a short-cut to the post of the year list until I found this.

[Windsor 2,233]

PS: This post is intended only for those with a good sense of humour

 

I can't see why anybody would have a problem with that...

 

To add injury to insult - you chose the right picture for Americans.

[Monoclinic 39]

I was about to demand Monoclinic was given a short-cut to the post of the year list until I found this.

 

 

You are quite right, I received again today John Cleese's letter to the Americans ch 1 vs 1-23 (although the email didn't quote Cleese and thus in my copying and pasting I regrettably didn't give my sources too, please accept my humble apologies!)

[halleluyahjohntudor 5]

I was about to demand Monoclinic was given a short-cut to the post of the year list until I found this.

 

 

You are quite right, I received again today John Cleese's letter to the Americans ch 1 vs 1-23 (although the email didn't quote Cleese and thus in my copying and pasting I regrettably didn't give my sources too, please accept my humble apologies!)

 

So you're claiming that the Queen didn't write it?

[Monoclinic 39]

I was about to demand Monoclinic was given a short-cut to the post of the year list until I found this.

 

 

You are quite right, I received again today John Cleese's letter to the Americans ch 1 vs 1-23 (although the email didn't quote Cleese and thus in my copying and pasting I regrettably didn't give my sources too, please accept my humble apologies!)

 

So you're claiming that the Queen didn't write it?

 

I am sure he was acting as the Queen scribe to the Philistines.

[CarolAnn 926]

John Cleese didn't write it, either. http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/revocation.asp

 

I couldn't possibly take it personally since I have looked and I can't find a British politician who was any better than an American politician.

 

At one point I saw a rebuttal to that piece but I'm damned if I can find it.

 

EDIT: Found it:

 

To the imperialist British colonizers.

 

In the light of your indecision over joining a common European Currency, your dissatisfaction with the European Union, your bickering with European Governments and the fact that you already almost speak our language and refuse to speak any other European languages, you are to be annexed as a State of America. Your state code will be GB. Zip codes will be assigned to replace your old postal districts. The state capital will be Stratford-upon-Avon which is a lot prettier than London. Princess Diana will be declared a saint. You have already assimilated so much American culture that you are unlikely to notice the transition. To aid in the assimilation, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

 

1. Look up "aluminum" in any good American Dictionary. Check the spelling and pronunciation guide. We discovered it, we named it, you are mispronouncing it. Learn to live with it. You are, of course welcome to your idiosyncratic and illogical place-names such as Edinburgh, if you wanted it pronounced 'Eddinburra' you have spelled it that way in the first place. You will quit using words such as "fortnight". The correct term is "a two week period". You will learn words such as "credenza", "intern" and "chad".

 

2. There is no such thing as "UK English". UK English is the relic of a defunct colonialist power which attempted to impose British English linguistic superiority on a nation which has a higher number of English speakers.

 

3. Your film-makers should learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents. American accents are not limited to redneck drawls or New York accents. Mainland Americans have more than enough accents to cope with in our own country, so all British dramas will now bear subtitles, especially those made in impenetrable dialects such as Scottish, Scouse or Geordie. To make life easier for mainland America, all British films and TV programs must use American vocabulary and accents; Scotch characters will wear plaid, Irish characters will have shamrocks on them, Welsh characters will not be used since we don't have Welsh Americans, and English characters will wear bowler hats and pinstripes.

 

4. The British film industry will no longer portray all Americans as cowboys, rednecks, trailer trash or Beverly Hills billionaires. Hollywood will continue to use "Mockney" and "Posh" British accents as this makes it easier for viewers to identify which characters are British. You can have Hugh Grant back. He's a lousy actor and we don't want him either. All British films will be made in Hollywood where the weather and scenery are better. Your film industry is already unable to make a halfway-decent film which doesn't contain a American in the starring role. All American characters should be 'good guys'.

 

5. You will learn your new national anthem "The Star Spangled Banner". It shall be sung every morning at kindergarten, high school, university and your places of work. Your Union Flag will be hung up any damn way we wish so stop bitching about it being upside down. If there was meant to be a right way up you should have made it simpler. All Union flags will be replaced by the Stars and Stripes over a 12 month period of time.

 

6. You should stop playing soccer and rugby. There is no need to have two games, one of which is confusingly like Football and one of which is called football but patently isn't real football. If it doesn't require 45 pounds of padding, it isn't football. You should also stop playing cricket. Americans can't understand the rules. If you insist on playing this game which is only played by former British colonies, you will introduce a simplified scoring system, timeouts, colored strips and cheerleaders to make it more interesting. Any match which takes longer than 90 minutes will be declared a draw.

 

7. In films, as in real life, we decide who the bad guys are. The bad guys are those guys who don't do as we tell them. They are also the guys who attract the biggest audiences into movie theaters. You will cease using the word "cinema". They are "movie theaters". The snippets of forthcoming films are not "trailers" they are "teasers".

 

8. November 5th is no longer a day for fireworks. July 4th is the appropriate fireworks festival. If you want a big fireworks party on November 5th, we will help you to blow up your Houses of Parliament. You won't be needing them any longer; Disneyland London will be situated there. Hunting with packs of dogs is also banned. Instead, you will go hunting with a pick-up truck, some six-packs of beer, two coonhounds and enough guns and ammo to equip a private militia. There is also no such activity as "caravanning". It is properly called "camping". The thing boy scouts do with tents and bedrolls is called "tenting".

 

9. Roundabouts will be banned. What is the point of turning left in order to turn right? They are confusing to Americans and are death traps. You will start driving on the right with immediate effect. Most of the world drives on the right already. You will be allowed to turn right on a red light if safe to do so though you must check local county legislation as this is not permitted in all areas.

 

10. Those things which you call chips are cholesterol-soaked abominations. You will start to eat fries - light fluffy potato in crisp coating. If you want to eat British-style fried potato sticks you will need a certificate from your doctor and good medical insurance. Beer is to be served cold. The warm, flat drink you call beer is properly termed 'ale' and the FDA have determined it to be unfit for human consumption. You will also learn the difference between crackers, cookies and biscuits to avoid causing unnecessary confusion to mainland Americans.

 

11. All inter-personal communications between family members, even if resident in the same house, must be through a lawyer. It is compulsory to sue somebody at least once per year - be inventive. It is compulsory to have therapy three times each week and to recover false memories of your childhood which allow you to sue your parents and/or your therapist. Therapy will take the place of speaking to family members. You will be given compulsory courses on how to become dysfunctional. Name your children after interesting medical conditions.

 

12. You will not have guns. In the eyes of Mainland Americans you are wayward children. Children are not permitted to play with firearms unless they have a legitimate reason to do so i.e. they plan to gun down the population of a small town (self-defense) or slaughter every living creature within a mile radius (hunting).

 

Thank you for your co-operation. You will be assimilated.

[Madame Defarge 21]

Anyone care to hazard a guess about how many times during the VP debate Sarah Palin will mention that her son has just shipped off to Iraq? I'll wager she says it no less than twice, but no more than five times.

[CarolAnn 926]

Anyone care to hazard a guess about how many times during the VP debate Sarah Palin will mention that her son has just shipped off to Iraq? I'll wager she says it no less than twice, but no more than five times.

 

And that she will add the phrase "...as the mother of..." at least three times.

[Gunjaman5000 30]

Anyone care to hazard a guess about how many times during the VP debate Sarah Palin will mention that her son has just shipped off to Iraq? I'll wager she says it no less than twice, but no more than five times.

 

And that she will add the phrase "...as the mother of..." at least three times.

Didn't Saddam Hussein use something along those lines once?

[Windsor 2,233]

Having seen some of Palin's previous performances in recent interviews, tonight's debate should be very fun indeed.

Listening to her, you get the impression that she has no idea what shes talking about, She is said to be a great debater though. According to some media, she has never lost a debate in her native Alaska - I'm not sure how big an endorsement that is really.

 

I hope I can keep my eyes open long enough the actually see the debate. Only an hour to go...

[Madame Defarge 21]

Having seen some of Palin's previous performances in recent interviews, tonight's debate should be very fun indeed.

Listening to her, you get the impression that she has no idea what shes talking about, She is said to be a great debater though. According to some media, she has never lost a debate in her native Alaska - I'm not sure how big an endorsement that is really.

 

I hope I can keep my eyes open long enough the actually see the debate. Only an hour to go...

According to today's NY Daily Snooze, er, News, she buried an opponent by talking about how she named her daughter Bristol after Alaska's Bristol Bay, her family's struggle to buy a new car, her husband's grandmother's Y'uPik Eskimo grandparent etc., etc. as well as some really cheesy putdowns. You have to wonder how adept a debator the other candidate was.

Still, it would be dangerous to underestimate her, considering there are many who are so anxious to find something to like about her, anything, to avoid putting a Black guy into the White House.

 

Windsor, put on a pot of coffee. I think this might be very interesting. I'm going to make pop-corn.

[CarolAnn 926]

Oh my freaking god, she says "nucular."

 

Biden is definitely more comfortable and confident. She's obviously been well educated for this. If she winks at the camera one more time, though, I'm going to barf.

 

She did far better than I thought she would, though.

[Madame Defarge 21]

Well garsh darn it Carol Ann! I mean, Golleeeeee! You're being a little bit critical here aren't ya? Nuclear, nucular, we all get blown into bits no matter how ya say it, right ?

 

I think the network showed a re-run of the 'Andy Griffith Show' in place of the debate tonight.

[Windsor 2,233]

Is Joe Biden turning into the Democrats answer to Bob Dole? He doesn't half like repeating his name...

 

As for Palin, I thought her attitude towards Iraq was disgusting. She cares more about the glory of victory than anything else. Probably the best reason not to vote for her ticket because if she wants victory (something Petraeus said would never happen), the US will be in Iraq for a long time to come.

Another thing about Palin. Someone should tell her that she is not running for re-election in Alaska.

 

PS. I think her son was mentioned twice (but then I wasn't paying that much attention).

[Godot 149]

All hail the Christian Ayatollah.

[themaninblack 2,112]

Is Joe Biden turning into the Democrats answer to Bob Dole? He doesn't half like repeating his name...

 

As for Palin, I thought her attitude towards Iraq was disgusting. She cares more about the glory of victory than anything else. Probably the best reason not to vote for her ticket because if she wants victory (something Petraeus said would never happen), the US will be in Iraq for a long time to come.

Another thing about Palin. Someone should tell her that she is not running for re-election in Alaska.

 

PS. I think her son was mentioned twice (but then I wasn't paying that much attention).

 

Historian Simon Schama said that Palin makes George Bush seem like Karl Marx!

He also doubted the long-term chances for McCain, mentioning his fight with skin cancer and that he's 72 years old...

[Windsor 2,233]

Is Joe Biden turning into the Democrats answer to Bob Dole? He doesn't half like repeating his name...

 

As for Palin, I thought her attitude towards Iraq was disgusting. She cares more about the glory of victory than anything else. Probably the best reason not to vote for her ticket because if she wants victory (something Petraeus said would never happen), the US will be in Iraq for a long time to come.

Another thing about Palin. Someone should tell her that she is not running for re-election in Alaska.

 

PS. I think her son was mentioned twice (but then I wasn't paying that much attention).

 

Historian Simon Schama said that Palin makes George Bush seem like Karl Marx!

He also doubted the long-term chances for McCain, mentioning his fight with skin cancer and that he's 72 years old...

 

Damn - I take it I missed that programme then. I was going to watch it.

Was it on the BBC? If so, I might catch it on iplayer.

 

Surely if he gets elected, McCain will just replace her. He only ever took her on board as a vote winner in a desperate attempt to woo those of the Hillary gang who were considering voting for him.

[themaninblack 2,112]

Is Joe Biden turning into the Democrats answer to Bob Dole? He doesn't half like repeating his name...

 

As for Palin, I thought her attitude towards Iraq was disgusting. She cares more about the glory of victory than anything else. Probably the best reason not to vote for her ticket because if she wants victory (something Petraeus said would never happen), the US will be in Iraq for a long time to come.

Another thing about Palin. Someone should tell her that she is not running for re-election in Alaska.

 

PS. I think her son was mentioned twice (but then I wasn't paying that much attention).

 

Historian Simon Schama said that Palin makes George Bush seem like Karl Marx!

He also doubted the long-term chances for McCain, mentioning his fight with skin cancer and that he's 72 years old...

 

Damn - I take it I missed that programme then. I was going to watch it.

Was it on the BBC? If so, I might catch it on iplayer.

 

Surely if he gets elected, McCain will just replace her. He only ever took her on board as a vote winner in a desperate attempt to woo those of the Hillary gang who were considering voting for him.

 

No, it's not on yet. I was just reading an article in the Radio Times about it, so it should be on this week...

[Windsor 2,233]

Obama is widening his lead in the opinion polls.

[CarolAnn 926]

All hail the Christian Ayatollah.

 

That's tame.

[Godot 149]

All hail the Christian Ayatollah.

 

That's tame.

 

Or this one on the

?

[Dave to the Grave 11]

Hear what

has got to say about the erection. Now that's lame .

[CarolAnn 926]

All hail the Christian Ayatollah.

 

That's tame.

 

Or this one on the

?

 

No, what I meant was that as a religious scene that was nothing. When they start screaming and foaming at the mouth and not stopping for breath you know you're in trouble.