What's The Best Insult You've Ever Heard?

[Paul Bearer 6,199]

You might be at a football game, sitting in front/behind someone on a bus while people are having a conversation and you just happen to overhear an amazing insult.

 

Whats the best one you've heard?

 

i.e. He couldn't work out a fart after eating a baked bean curry.

[charon 4,943]

I once called a lass I worked with ''Sally Gunnell but without the looks''.

 

 

 

She didn't take it too well............

[Lady Grendel 139]

Probably too many to count, but one that was aimed at myself has stuck in my mind. I was 19 years old and was tottering down the road to get a train into town for a night out at Glasgow's top (and only) rock nightclub 'The Venue'. I looked like a reject from Girlschool - dodgy '80's perm, vest top, leather miniskirt, stiletto heels and fishnet stockings. A car slowed down, the guy in it rolled down his window and shouted 'Haw hen, you should have taken the fish out o' they stockings before you put them oan' .

[time 8,714]

A former colleague (Charlie) told of one night, how, through a friend of a friend of a friend, he ended up at a party hosted by Robert Powell (the actor) and his wife Babs Lord (the dancer).

 

It should be noted that Charlie was rather diminutive of stature and about as butch-looking as Dean Gaffney.

 

As the evening wore on, Miss Lord/Mrs Powell approached my erstwhile colleague Charlie and asked who he was and how he came to be at their party. Rather unimpressed, she remarked that he looked rather effeminate. His retort was "Compared with you love, everybody does".

[charon 4,943]

At the start of the Rangers in Admin saga, another site I post on started calling Neil Doncaster of the SFA a 'cockwomble'.

 

Indeed it was repeated that much that if you do a google image search on 'cockwomble' it is pic after pic of him

 

^^^^^top result.........

[RIP Wee Jum 1,560]

At the start of the Rangers in Admin saga, another site I post on started calling Neil Doncaster of the SFA a 'cockwomble'.

 

Indeed it was repeated that much that if you do a google image search on 'cockwomble' it is pic after pic of him

 

^^^^^top result.........

 

He is a cockwomble though

[the_engineer 1,416]

 

One of my favourite video's along with 100 greatest movie threats.

[Lard Bazaar 3,820]

Harry Enfield's 'Couple' - 'What are you, deaf as well as saggy?' - I use this often.

 

Not so much an insult, but a come-back that made me snort - we were in a car park looking for a space, found one and duly pulled into it - got out of the car and a bloke (who we had genuinely not seen before) rushed up to my beloved and snarled 'I WAS WAITING FOR THAT SPACE, YOU'RE A FUCKING w***er' - unusually calm, my chap looked up and replied 'But I'm a w***er WITH A PARKING SPACE'. Perhaps you had to be there, but it was rather amusing.

[RIP Wee Jum 1,560]

When I was at school, a guy in my class once asked our very short (I rekon about 4 foot 6 / 4 foot 7) teacher to stand up before telling him off. He was approx 6 foot. At this point the duster for the chalkboard was hurled across the room and he was told to get out and never come back

[CarolAnn 926]

Y'all will have to overlook him. He ain't had no home trainin'.

[Magere Hein 1,400]

Eloquent insults are a rarely used part of the spoken Dutch language, we usually stick to single words like klootzak ("bawbag", as the Scots would say), lul ("prick") or trut ("cunt", used for females). A trailing godverdomme may add strength when used sparingly, but that's about it. Of on the spot insults I've witnessed nothing comes to mind as more imaginative.

 

Once I called in email the person who wiped my hard disk containing several day's worth of my work, an idiot^[1]. He complained to his boss, his boss complained to mine, who demanded an explanation. I apologised to the hapless service droid in email (cc-ed to all suits involved) and I learned to write angry emails without name calling.

 

There's a tradition of polite (and not so polite) name calling and insult among Dutch writers of all sort of print. Defamation law suits are regular field days for them, as party in the case or reporting and commenting on it. WF Hermans had a reputation for finely tuned insults to other intellectuals and in the Dutch chess world anyone who hadn't been insulted by grandmaster Donner's flames was of no importance.

 

I fondly remember when Peter Hagtingius, managing editor of weekly Panorama, received flames in Letters to the Editor, after describing the inhabitants of the province of Limburg as "Belgians with a German accent, who suffer from looking Luxembourgian." The Letters to the Editor of Panorama regularly featured correspondence from insulted readers and were often the best part of that rag. The Answers from the Editor often added some injury.

 

I used the words "de christenhonden^[2] van het CDA^[3]" with success (measured by amount of hurt responses) in a Dutch language newsgroup about religion, but the fun soon wore off.

 

regards,

Hein

 

Notes:

 

^[1] All computers were upgraded to a new Windows version by hard disk format and new installation. We had been warned about this in Email from Management to All Staff. I don't pay much attention to Emails from Management to All Staff, so I forgot all about it. Ignorance was no excuse.

 

^[2] christian dogs

 

^[3] a then large conservative party with a Christian ideology, whatever that means

[charon 4,943]

Again footy forum related, don't know about 'best' insult though,clever but certainly offensive............

 

Dean Shiels even before he signed for Sevco has been referred by a few posters as ''Dean Sh els''

 

(he is missing an 'eye' in real life)

 

I think there was temp bans for those who did this but it has been creeping back in since he signed for the Scots Div 3 5th place side.

[Rotten Ali 600]

Tad corse but I'll add this quote from an ex-boss.

 

" I don't need you pissing down my back, and then you telling me that its raining"

[Lard Bazaar 3,820]

Tad corse but I'll add this quote from an ex-boss.

 

" I don't need you pissing down my back, and then you telling me that its raining"

 

This is very similar to one of my greatest heroes, Judge Judy - she has said it on more than one occasion, and even titled one of her books 'Don't Pee On My Leg And Tell Me It's Raining'. Another of her books is 'Beauty Fades, Dumb Is Forever'. Judge Judy actually rocks, her books make a load of sense, and I would be more than happy to vote her in as PM.

 

'THAT'S BALONEY, MADAM!'

[Magere Hein 1,400]

Suddenly two stories from the late 80s spring to mind. In May 1985 Pope John Paul II paid a visit to the Netherlands. He didn't stop in Rotterdam, but still we (that is: the people of the squat I lived in) tried to make a public protest against His Holiness. As chance would have it, the Rotterdam Marathon was held during his visit and the squat happened to stand prominently over the course. As the race was covered live on Dutch national TV we saw an opportunity. We painted a large banner with a portrait of JPII and the text Help de paus naar God. A literal translation is Help the pope to God, but the Dutch phrase also means Kill the Pope.

 

We put it outside before the start of the race, but within half an hour the police raided the place and took the banner, well before the first runners arrived. Later we saw that the TV coverage cut to a helicopter shot when the front runners passed. Much later we learned that a neighbour had complained.

 

A few years later we had more success when a US amphibious assault ship was moored a few hundred yards from our home and personnel on leave had to pass under our squat on its way to town. This time the banner showed a carrier sinking under rocket attack and large text: That sinking feeling and a streamer with: Remember Pearl Harbor. The angry yelling of pissed off (and pissed) sailors and marines was very rewarding.

 

regards,

Hein

[charon 4,943]

As i am listening to the Scotland game just now, it brings to mind the woeful game v Norway, where before the game even had finished the joke had been heard of.....

 

''Q/ what do you call a woman with two cunts?

A/ Mrs Caldwell''

[One shot Paddy 1,213]

One I remember from school when one of the lads in our year was trying to show off in front of the "hot" girls my mate shouted over at him "you're like a horse's cock,...........big when you're out!"

[Guest Deadlier than the mail]

My favourite northern expression to describe someone half-soaked "what are you doing standing around like one o'clock half struck". Works a treat.

[Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,241]

Hmmmm. Ive always found that "F**k off you c**t" works a treat for me.

[Toast 16,295]

Paul Merton allegedly called Jimmy Savile "a cunt with a rancid, pus-filled cock" of course. Allegedly.

[Guest Deadlier than the mail]

Another favourite, "she has face unclouded by intelligence" or "her parting is about as straight as a dogs hind leg.

[the_engineer 1,416]

Our IT teacher used to call us all a Daft Apeth . When he called it to me Well i thought he mixed me up with someone else and i was mishearing him. Though when he called the black lad it he turned to me and my friend and said did he just call me a daft apey , to which we said we don't know we just don't know but he calls us all that and im white as snow .

 

Is that the best insult I ever heard , im not sure but its definitely the most memorable.

[Toast 16,295]

Our IT teacher used to call us all a Daft Apeth . When he called it to me Well i thought he mixed me up with someone else and i was mishearing him. Though when he called the black lad it he turned to me and my friend and said did he just call me a daft apey , to which we said we don't know we just don't know but he calls us all that and im white as snow .

 

Is that the best insult I ever heard , im not sure but its definitely the most memorable.

 

I think it's a contraction of "halfpennyworth", meaning not worth much. Old people used to say it when I was a kid.

[Banshees Scream 110]

It's the ordinary remark like "You're too kind" or "Thanks a lot" with a certain tone (think of an outraged customer). Two mysterious people laughing at you from their car is very insulting, especially if they are pointing. Another insult is the "She looks directly at you and says jump and you say "how high?" A short, but powerful insult is the insult that describes something about you with one word. For example: A fan of a team that opposes your favorite team (they either saw your hat, license plate, wallet) says the name of your team to you and passes by.

[Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,241]

It's the ordinary remark like "You're too kind" or "Thanks a lot" with a certain tone (think of an outraged customer). Two mysterious people laughing at you from their car is very insulting, especially if they are pointing. Another insult is the "She looks directly at you and says jump and you say "how high?" A short, but powerful insult is the insult that describes something about you with one word. For example: A fan of a team that opposes your favorite team (they either saw your hat, license plate, wallet) says the name of your team to you and passes by.

I think this is the clear winner. Can anybody decypher it for me please?