A Joke

[Bald rick 9]

A young man walks over to his father one day and asks if they could have a talk about sex. His father agrees and is eager to help his son with any questions he may have.

 

"Dad, what does a vagina look like before sex?" asked the son.

 

"Well son," answered the all-knowing father. "A vagina is the most beautiful thing in creation."

 

"The soft folds of a vagina are softer even than the petals of a rose."

 

"The delicate scent of a vagina is finer than the finest French perfumes."

 

"The taste of a vagina is sweeter than the purest nectar."

 

"All in all son, it's like I said, a vagina is the most beautiful thing in creation."

 

"Gee dad, a vagina sounds just great, the way you describe it."

 

A few moments of silence go by, then the boy asks another question.

 

"Dad, what does a vagina look like after sex?"

 

"Well son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating custard?"

[deadsox 894]

A man catches his 13 year old son masturbating. He tells the boy "you should save that until you get married".

Seven years later, on the son's wedding day, he says to his father "remember when I was a boy and you caught me masturbating?"

"Yes son" says the father.

"And you told me to save that until I got married?"

"Yes son" says the father.

The son says "Well I've got 6 buckets of it in the shed, what should I do with it?"

[honez 79]

[Lady Grendel 139]

How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

 

 

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again

[maryportfuncity 10,673]

My mate has just entered the X Factor so I decided to help him.

 

I murdered his family.

[maryportfuncity 10,673]

On sale now at your local pharmacy; Durex Extra Extra Extra Extra Safe. Pack contains: 0 Latex Condoms 1 Bottle Hair Dye (Ginger)

[Body Snatcher 44 107]

Dear Sir:

 

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust that the following details will be sufficient.

 

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of bricks left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which, fortunately, was attached to the side of the building on the top floor.

 

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel over the side and loaded bricks into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note in Block #11 of the accident report form that my weight is 185#. due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.

 

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was proceeding in a downward direction at an equally impressive rate of speed. This explains my fractured skull, minor abrasions and broken collarbone, as listed in Section III of the accident form.

 

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley at the top, as mentioned in Paragraph #2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope despite the excruciating pain

I was beginning to experience.

 

At that time however, the barrel of bricks reached the ground - and the bottom fell out of the barrel when it hit. Now devoid of the 500 pounds of bricks the barrel now weighed only 50 pounds.

 

I refer you again to my weight in Block #11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth, and the severe lacerations on my legs and lower body.

 

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow it up enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

 

I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the pile of bricks in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind - and let go of the rope.

 

Sincerely,

 

Joe the Bricklayer

Cedar Sinai Hospital

[Godot 149]

Duck goes in to a shop and says: "Have you any bread?"

 

Shopkeeper says: "No."

 

Duck says: "Have you any bread?"

 

Shopkeeper says: "No."

 

Duck says: "Have you any bread?"

 

Shopkeeper says: "Look, if you ask that question one more time I'm going to nail your beak to the counter."

 

Duck says: "Have you any nails?"

 

Shopkeeper says: "No."

 

Duck says: "Have you any bread?"

[Lady Grendel 139]

Dear Sir:

 

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust that the following details will be sufficient.

 

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of bricks left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which, fortunately, was attached to the side of the building on the top floor.

 

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel over the side and loaded bricks into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note in Block #11 of the accident report form that my weight is 185#. due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.

 

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was proceeding in a downward direction at an equally impressive rate of speed. This explains my fractured skull, minor abrasions and broken collarbone, as listed in Section III of the accident form.

 

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley at the top, as mentioned in Paragraph #2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope despite the excruciating pain

I was beginning to experience.

 

At that time however, the barrel of bricks reached the ground - and the bottom fell out of the barrel when it hit. Now devoid of the 500 pounds of bricks the barrel now weighed only 50 pounds.

 

I refer you again to my weight in Block #11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth, and the severe lacerations on my legs and lower body.

 

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow it up enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

 

I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the pile of bricks in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind - and let go of the rope.

 

Sincerely,

 

Joe the Bricklayer

Cedar Sinai Hospital

 

 

Ah, that's the 'Bricklayer's Song', the version I know well is sung by The Corries, I've heard it originated in Ireland and was popularised by The Dubliners, good story though, always makes me smile .

[Tuber Mirum 126]

Ah, that's the 'Bricklayer's Song', the version I know well is sung by The Corries, I've heard it originated in Ireland and was popularised by The Dubliners, good story though, always makes me smile .

 

 

I like

.

[TAFKAG 70]

How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

 

 

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again

We'd better a/ stock up on 100w bulbs and b/ start a recruitment drive.

[time 8,655]

How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

 

 

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again

 

 

1 to post a row of nothing but lightbulb smilies:

 

[maryportfuncity 10,673]

I came home from work last night, saw my girlfriend and said, "Hello Hun."

 

We don't have pet names, she's German.

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

So Jordan got raped.

 

Seriously though, isn't that just like shoplifting a free sample?

[maryportfuncity 10,673]

This bloke said to me: 'Do you like porn?'

 

I said: 'Does a bear sh*t on the tits of a Japanese schoolgirl?'

[themaninblack 2,112]

A priest, a vicar and a rabbi are on a train playing cards and they decide to play for money.

 

But they are caught by the ticket collector and next thing they know, they're up in court.

 

The judge turns to the priest and says "You are charged with the offence of gambling in a public place, how do you plead?"

 

The priest looks up to the heavens and mumbles "One white lie, God just one white lie" then says to the judge "Not Guilty, your honour".

 

The judge replies "Not Guilty, case dismissed".

 

The judge then turns to the vicar. "You are charged with the offence of gambling in a public place, how do you plead?"

 

The vicar looks up to the heavens and says under his breath "A white lie my lord, just one white lie."

 

He then answers the judge, "Not guilty your honour." The judge says "Case dismissed."

 

The judge then says to the rabbi "You are charged with the offence of gambling in a public place"

 

 

And the rabbi says "Who with?"

[Paul Bearer 6,126]

A bloke sees a notice in a front window of a house saying 'Talking Dog for Sale.'

 

He rang the bell and the owner told him the dog was in the back garden.

He goes into the garden and sees a Labrador just sitting there.

 

'Can you talk?' he asked.

 

‘Yes,' the Labrador replied.

 

‘So, what's the story?'

 

The Labrador looked up and said, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5 about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.'

 

'But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

 

The guy was amazed. He goes back in and asked the owner what he wanted for the dog.

 

'Ten Quid.' the man said.

 

'Ten Pounds? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

 

'Because he's a bullshitter. He never did any of that stuff.'

[maryportfuncity 10,673]

Man lying bed having just had sex with his new Thai wife, she keeps stroking his c*ck, he says do you like my c*ck that much, she says " no I just miss mine "

[Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,222]

It should be a fabulous time this Christmas in Heaven

Stephen Gately will be singing the Hymns

Patrick Swayze will be doing the dancing

Keith Floyd will be doing all the cooking

and Michael Jackson will be playing with the kids...

[maryportfuncity 10,673]

Apologies to any scousers looking in......

 

Q - What's the difference between a cow and a tragedy?

A - Scousers don't know how to milk a cow.

 

 

Notice on a Liverpool road bridge: Happy 30th Grandma.

[Paul Bearer 6,126]

Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

Mick says, 'how ya doin' me bucko?'

Paddy says, 'okay but do us a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing.'

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed.

 

He says, 'your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you'.

They say, 'get away with ya.. prove it.'

 

Mick shouts downstairs, 'Paddy, both of em?'

 

Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of fukin' one?"

[maryportfuncity 10,673]

I tried a new lubricant for anal sex with the wife last night and I have to confess, I wasn't impressed.

 

It was sh*t.

[Guest Dervesia73]

This morning on the way to work I rear-ended a car at some lights whilst not really paying attention. The driver got out.. he was a dwarf.

 

He said, "Im not happy"...

 

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

[Madcow 6]

This morning on the way to work I rear-ended a car at some lights whilst not really paying attention. The driver got out.. he was a dwarf.

 

He said, "Im not happy"...

 

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

Hee hee hee.

 

Welcome to the DL. Nice to have you with us.

[Paul Bearer 6,126]

I'm sure Freddie Starr reads DL. He cracked 4 or 5 of the jokes in this thread. (BTW, saw him in Blackpool, last night, put on (quite) a few pounds and seemed to forget his lines a couple of times. But still bloody funny.

 

Shame to say that the compare/warm up/ 1st comedian on was funnier. Wish I could remember his name. I must be getting old

[maryportfuncity 10,673]

Did Freddie do this one?

 

My neighbours just found out that I'm on the sex offenders list and have demanded that I move out of the area as they fear that I am a danger to their son.

 

Their son? I'm a paedophile, I'm not gay.