A Joke

[Monoclinic 39]

Ash cloud leaves British tourists stranded on holiday in sunny exotic countries and prevents immigrants from entering the country

 

Carlsberg don't do volcanic eruptions....

 

Lost in translation: All this kerfuffle because Brown and his Dutch counterpart asked for Iceland to give us some cash.

 

[One shot Paddy 1,206]

Whats the difference between Cheryl Cole and the icelandic volcano?

 

The volcano is still blowing Ash!!!!!!!!

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

Last night i gave my girlfriend an orgasm. Ungrateful bitch spat it out!!!

[Typhoid Harry 23]

A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.. As he enters, he asks St. Peter, 'I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'

 

St. Peter said, 'That's a question only God can answer.'

 

So the zebra went off in search of God.

 

When he found Him, the zebra asked, 'God, please - I must know Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'

 

God simply replied 'You are what you are.'

 

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, 'Well, did God straighten out your query for you?'

 

The zebra looked puzzled.. 'No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.''

 

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, 'Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes..'

 

The zebra asked St. Peter, 'How do you know that for certain?'

 

'Because,' said St. Peter, 'If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, 'You is what you is..'

 

I'll get me hat....

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

Bradford Rugby Club are desperate for new blood, having lost three of their best hookers recently.

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

I've invented a device to help improve your ejaculation distance.

 

So I took it on Dragon's Den but it went right over their heads.

[Godot 149]

It's been nearly a week now and MPFC has yet to deliver a joke on the Cumbrian killings. This is quite out of character. Is this MPFC's first taboo subject or are jokes a bit thin on the ground, like the Cumbrian police? No jokes about Cumbrian police cars having one forward and nine reverse gears? Nothing about ITV Cumbria reviving Golden Shot with Birdie the Bolt? Or police worried that Bird shooting was out of season? Or the protests from environmentalists about the extent of road kill in Whitehaven? And is it true that police held back because they didn't want to lose face?

 

I'll get MPFC's coat.

[Josco 49]

It's been nearly a week now and MPFC has yet to deliver a joke on the Cumbrian killings. This is quite out of character. Is this MPFC's first taboo subject or are jokes a bit thin on the ground, like the Cumbrian police? No jokes about Cumbrian police cars having one forward and nine reverse gears? Nothing about ITV Cumbria reviving Golden Shot with Birdie the Bolt? Or police worried that Bird shooting was out of season? Or the protests from environmentalists about the extent of road kill in Whitehaven? And is it true that police held back because they didn't want to lose face?

 

I'll get MPFC's coat.

I'm sure MPFC was going to add:

 

Big tip for for a horse - Cumbrian Cabbie, a 12 to 1 shot

 

If you go to Cumbria today wear a coat, it's minus 12.

 

Thank you, I'm here all week.

[Guest Bored]

It's been nearly a week now and MPFC has yet to deliver a joke on the Cumbrian killings. This is quite out of character. Is this MPFC's first taboo subject or are jokes a bit thin on the ground, like the Cumbrian police? No jokes about Cumbrian police cars having one forward and nine reverse gears? Nothing about ITV Cumbria reviving Golden Shot with Birdie the Bolt? Or police worried that Bird shooting was out of season? Or the protests from environmentalists about the extent of road kill in Whitehaven? And is it true that police held back because they didn't want to lose face?

 

I'll get MPFC's coat.

I'm sure MPFC was going to add:

 

Big tip for for a horse - Cumbrian Cabbie, a 12 to 1 shot

 

If you go to Cumbria today wear a coat, it's minus 12.

 

Thank you, I'm here all week.

 

http://www.deathlist.net/forums/index.php?...st&p=148556

 

http://www.deathlist.net/forums/index.php?...st&p=148670

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

Thanks Bored Guest for pointing out I was on the case on the day.

 

Fav of the current crop of corkers in MPFC Towers is

 

Hi, I'm Derrick Bird and.................welcome to Jackass!

[Paul Bearer 6,102]

Whats the difference between Rob Green and BP?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Green got a cap for his spill.

 

(looks at coatstand for anybody's coat to put on)

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

Just got kicked out of Nelson Mandela's granddaughter's funeral.

 

Apparently its inappropriate to blow my vuvuzela.

[Godot 149]

An old bloke walks in to a doctor's crowded waiting room.

The woman on reception says: "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

 

"'There's something wrong with my dick," he says.

 

"You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that," she says.

 

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you."

 

"Well," she says, "Now you've embarrassed everyone here. You should have said there was something wrong with your ear or something, then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

 

He walks out and comes back a few minutes later. "There's something wrong with my ear," he says.

 

The receptionist nods her approval. "And what might that be?" she says.

 

"I can't piss out of it."

[Paul Bearer 6,102]

the england players visited an orphanage in south africa this morning...

 

'' its so good to put a smile on the faces of people constantly struggling and facing the impossible''

 

said Jamal Umboto aged 6

[One shot Paddy 1,206]

There is a new OXO cube with a red cross on it, it's called Laughing Stock!

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

My mate asked me if I saw the England goal.

 

Unfortunately I missed it, I was too busy refereeing the match.

[Paul Bearer 6,102]

BREAKING NEWS.....

England have requested to return to glasgow airport so they can return to a hero's welcome

[Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,218]

The teacher sits infront of her class and, one by one, she asks the Children what their parents do for a living.

"Johnny, what does your daddy do for a living?"

"Well" says Johnny "Daddy goes out every night to sell his arse to strangers and he lets them cum in his mouth for a fiver."

The teacher is horrified!

Later on, she takes Johnny to one side.

"Johnny, does your Daddy REALLY do those things for a living?"

" Oh No!" says Johnny, "He actually plays for England, but im fucked if im going to admit that to anyone!"

[Windsor 2,233]

Whats black and fills out a job seeker's allowance form?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A pen.

[Toast 16,140]

Latest news from the Northumberland manhunt:

 

The police have sent Raoul Moat an urgent message. Apparently he is unaware that Ashley Cole, John Terry, Frank Lampard, Steven Gerrard and Wayne Rooney also slept with his missus.

[Monoclinic 39]

Latest news from the Northumberland manhunt:

 

The police have sent Raoul Moat an urgent message. Apparently he is unaware that Ashley Cole, John Terry, Frank Lampard, Steven Gerrard and Wayne Rooney also slept with his missus.

 

Northumberland you say?

 

Anybody heard from our placid compatriate Star Crossed? We should have had a TSAN update by now. A 48 page letter is a bit in the realms of killer post whore...

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

I think we've seen enough to trust Paul the Octopus with two boxes marked 'Israel' and 'Palestine'.

[Death Watch Beatle 41]

Statistically speaking, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

 

DWB

[Windsor 2,233]

The people at Emmerdale have a sense of humour.

But the general public don't...

[Lard Bazaar 3,799]

The people at Emmerdale have a sense of humour.

But the general public don't...

 

 

I think that's hilarious, almost enough to make me start watching it again. But not quite. Jam rag is one of the most used phrases in my house.