A Joke

[maryportfuncity 10,661]

Sky News: Boy aged four found dead in a tumble dryer.

 

Don't they know if you wash him at 30, there's an 80% chance he'll live?

[Windsor 2,233]

Sky News: Boy aged four found dead in a tumble dryer.

 

Don't they know if you wash him at 30, there's an 80% chance he'll live?

 

If told that joke on a public street, there's an 80% chance you'll die.

[Windsor 2,233]

We should probably call social services now.

[Terminator 13]

We should probably call social services now.

The parents will have no problem putting the kid up for adoption in Austria...

[wildstorm 297]

Two antennas are on a roof; they fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't that great but the reception was excellent!!

[Josco 49]

Plagiarised from the BBC...Sorry

 

1) Tim Vine "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

 

2) David Gibson "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."

 

3) Emo Philips "I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them."

 

4) Jack Whitehall "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."

 

5) Gary Delaney "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."

 

6) John Bishop "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."

 

7) Bo Burnham "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."

 

8) Gary Delaney "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

 

9) Robert White "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty."

 

10) Gareth Richards "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"

[maryportfuncity 10,661]

This got voted into the Worst Ten Jokes at the Edinburgh Fringe this year, I think it's a cracker.

 

 

Emo Phillips

 

I love to play chess with bald men in the park.

 

But it's so hard to find 32 of them.

[Woo 0]

Can you spare just £2.00?

Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Zambia. He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal.

If you send us just £2.00, we will send you the video - it’s hilarious.

[Terminator 13]

Can you spare just £2.00?

Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Zambia. He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal.

If you send us just £2.00, we will send you the video - it’s hilarious.

 

Welcome aboard. What better way to break ice than starting with a joke.

[Spade_Cooley 9,549]

This: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3GWJC7tlYck

[maryportfuncity 10,661]

Not got children? Hire a babysitter anyway, say the kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. When you get home later that evening, go mental and ask where the child has gone.

[Woo 0]

Can you spare just £2.00?

Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Zambia. He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal.

If you send us just £2.00, we will send you the video - it’s hilarious.

 

Welcome aboard. What better way to break ice than starting with a joke.

 

Thank you I have lots of rubbish jokes don't worry hehe!

 

George Clooney is to star in a new film about Gary Glitter, called "Oh, She's Eleven

[maryportfuncity 10,661]

14 seconds of video mirth!!!

[themaninblack 2,112]

14 seconds of video mirth!!!

 

 

I suppose it gives a whole new spin on the phrase "c**tface"

[honez 79]

14 seconds of video mirth!!!

"Put it away, you could poke someone's eye out with that!" the Actress said to the Bishop.

[Windsor 2,233]

14 seconds of video mirth!!!

 

Was that one of the rejected ideas for the opening Big Brother theme?

[Woo 0]

14 seconds of video mirth!!!

 

HAHAHA I liked that one

[Memento Mori 12]

14 seconds of video mirth!!!

ssss

lol! Until that eye opened, I was certain that I was looking at something else...!!

[Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,220]

Alex Ferguson has had a 1980's themed party for his players. Ryan Giggs arrived in a Cavalier, Paul Scholes in a Sierra and Wayne Rooney chose to cum in an Escort.....

[Lard Bazaar 3,800]

Alex Ferguson has had a 1980's themed party for his players. Ryan Giggs arrived in a Cavalier, Paul Scholes in a Sierra and Wayne Rooney chose to cum in an Escort.....

 

 

C minus, must try harder

 

 

 

The police arrived on my doorstep last night, and showed me a photograph - 'is this your wife Sir' - 'yes it is, what's happened' - 'I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident' - 'I know, but she's got a lovely personality'.

[Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,220]

Alex Ferguson has had a 1980's themed party for his players. Ryan Giggs arrived in a Cavalier, Paul Scholes in a Sierra and Wayne Rooney chose to cum in an Escort.....

 

 

C minus, must try harder

 

 

 

The police arrived on my doorstep last night, and showed me a photograph - 'is this your wife Sir' - 'yes it is, what's happened' - 'I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident' - 'I know, but she's got a lovely personality'.

Ungraded, young Lardy.

That was shite.

 

The British Airways flight from New york to Heathrow has been airborne for an hour.

The pilot makes an announcement over the tannoy: " Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, this is Captain John Thomas speaking." I am assisted, for this flight by my Co Pilot Fred Bloggs and navigator Jim Smith."

"We are currently flying at 37,000 feet into a mild head wind, clear blue skies lay ahead and we are scheduled to arrive at London Heathrow airport at approximately 7.25PM local time."

"I do hope you enjoy you flight and I will be speaking to you all shortly before we land"

"Thank You"

Unfortunately the Captain leaves the intercom on and this is what everybody hears.

Co Pilot: " Well Captain, what are you going to do when we land?"

Captain: Well first of all, Im going to empty my bowels, Im dying for a crap! Then tonight, Im going to take that new Stewardess we've got on this plane out, im going to wine her and dine her then im going to take her back to my place and fuck the arse off her!!!

The Stewardess hears this and, mortified, runs down the plane towards the cockpit.

As she does so, she trips over an old ladys bag in the Aisle.

As she hits the floor, she looks up to see the old lady say: " I wouldnt rush love, he's going for a shit first.

[Rotten Ali 600]

Maybe this should be in the Motor Racing thread but then again it's a joke:

 

cut and paste from a text to the BBC:

 

Tim at work via text: "I can't make it to Monza, so can you do me a favour? Can you make up a banner that says 'Felipe, I've just seen Alonso's mum and she's knitting a lovely PULLOVER FOR FERNANDO. Can you confirm you understand.' Thanks."

[maryportfuncity 10,661]

Thought for the day:

 

Should orphans be banned from PG films?

[Josco 49]

George Michael has settled well in prison. He's already written a song about his 'skin head' cellmate. It will be his new single called "Hairless Fister".

 

 

 

 

 

I thank you, I'm here all week.

[Paul Bearer 6,117]

George Michael has settled well in prison. He's already written a song about his 'skin head' cellmate. It will be his new single called "Hairless Fister".

 

 

 

 

 

I thank you, I'm here all week.

 

Ahem!