Windsor 2,235 Posted August 14, 2012 Just realised this is in the wrong thread. I meant to post it in the joke thread... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Grendel 139 Posted August 14, 2012 Just realised this is in the wrong thread. I meant to post it in the joke thread... I did wonder, but I have now moved it, I was able to see it and found it amusing too 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,686 Posted August 15, 2012 All hell broke loose at work today when one guy I work with chucked a tin of white paint over another guy who was born in Iran. Pushing and shoving ensued until the bloke who chucked the paint got hauled in front of the boss to explain himself. He said; "I was just trying to lighten Mahmoud!" 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,686 Posted August 19, 2012 A sample of the wit and wisdom available when you Google Fifty Shades of Andy Gray. Fairly obvious collision of sex-novel and the gormless one-liners of famed footy pundit, but it - kind of - works. He pushes her against the wall and rips her blouse open, revealing her heaving breasts. His eyes widen "Let's see how the sides match up!" -------------------------------------------------------------- I'm not ready yet" she said but he hammered away mercilessly, until he burst inside her like a volcano "There's no stopping those!" he said -------------------------------------------------------------- After the five hour romp, they shared a cigarette. "Was I any good?" she asked nervously. "You'd struggle on a cold night at The Britannia." ------------------------------------------------------------ He threw her on the bed like a crazed beast. "I'm going to enter you so hard" he barked "not even three Pepe Reinas could stop it." ------------------------------------------------------------ Suddenly he stopped pounding her. Something was wrong. "Your condom" she said red faced "it came off in me." He grinned "pick that one out!" ------------------------------------------------------------ You can put it anywhere you want" she whispered. He slid his pants to his knees and threw his fleshy column into her mouth. "Top drawer!" ------------------------------------------------------------ She entered the room, her tight red dress clung to every curve. She oozed sex. Every man in the room sensed it. "YOOUU BEAUTYYY!" he yelled. ------------------------------------------------------------- She lay trembling, no one had ever screwed her like that. He lay over her panting body & looked at his throbbing sword "take a bow, son." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
torbrexbones 717 Posted August 21, 2012 At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, "No." A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?" "I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ITDY 20 Posted August 24, 2012 I was walking through the supermarket to pick up a few things when I noticed an old lady following me around. Thinking nothing of it, I ignored her and continued on. Finally I went to the checkout line, but she got in front of me. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry ," I said to her, "Is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mom?' It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," I said. An odd request, but no harm would come of it. As the old woman was leaving, I called out, "Good Bye, Mom!" As I stepped up to the checkout counter, I saw that my total was $1027.50. "How can that be?" I asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Body Snatcher 44 107 Posted August 24, 2012 Ah-hem... http://www.deathlist.net/forums/index.php?showuser=8023 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,134 Posted August 26, 2012 My Chinese friend died just last week. So Yung. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,686 Posted August 26, 2012 My retarded son died after eating all of my E's. I'm pretty upset, the whole fridge magnet set is ruined now. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
the_engineer 1,415 Posted August 27, 2012 My retarded son died after eating all of my E's. I'm pretty upset, the whole fridge magnet set is ruined now. Well at least he won't have constipation he will be shitting with E's for weeks. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,686 Posted August 28, 2012 Q - What do you call a dead magician? A - Abra Cadaver Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,134 Posted September 16, 2012 Postman falls into coma... Letters pray Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,686 Posted September 19, 2012 "One eyed monster kills two policewomen". Not quite the legacy Lord Coe had in mind for Wenlock. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,226 Posted October 6, 2012 Wot no Jimmy Savile jokes? Ok then... Savile's ashes are now to be made into an etch-a-sketch so that the kids can still fiddle with his knob. JJB have started selling Jimmy Saville memorial tracksuits. Its an adult size top but you have to squeeze into kids bottoms The BBC News channel just displayed images of three women who claimed that Jimmy Saville sexually assalted them. They showed a recent picture of each woman and a picture taken in the 1970's. The caption read ...." Now then, now then, now then.. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,686 Posted October 6, 2012 The police went looking for evidence in Jimmy Savile's diary. His last entry was twelve years old! 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RIP Wee Jum 1,559 Posted October 16, 2012 Give your life that Reservoir Dogs feel by moving in with Jimmy White, Jason Orange, Pink and the late James Brown. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,134 Posted October 16, 2012 Give your life that Reservoir Dogs feel by moving in with Jimmy White, Jason Orange, Pink and the late James Brown. Yellow Yongle. I'm sure I red this before. I'm green with envy 'cos I blue it by not posting it. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RIP Wee Jum 1,559 Posted November 22, 2012 Yoko Ono has been flown into 'The Jungle' to help the celebrities survive. Aparently she's got plenty experience due to the fact she's been living off a dead beatle for 30 years! 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,134 Posted November 22, 2012 Something similar posted here over 7 years ago. You are forgiven, cos I'll be fucked sideways if I had to troll through this thread to see if something had been already posted...... Oh, wait........... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,686 Posted November 22, 2012 I understand misanthropy, it's every other c""" that doesn't! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,686 Posted December 7, 2012 I love having dyslexia at times. Today I've read Clit bang for Cilit Bang, Golden Piss for Golden Pass, Cock Tower for Clock Tower and C*** for David Cameron. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
charon 4,943 Posted December 7, 2012 I went to my local Afro Caribbean barbers this morning only to find the shutters were down with spray paint across them saying "N-wordS OUT". Seems a little over the top, why don't they just have "back in 5 mins" like other people? 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
charon 4,943 Posted December 10, 2012 I went to a Start Trek convention with Michael Caine last week. "Sulu's," he said, "Thousands of 'em." 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
charon 4,943 Posted December 11, 2012 What's the difference between a temperature and a practical joke ? A Nurse can take a temperature ! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,686 Posted December 12, 2012 I fucking hate double standards! Some bird gets a rampant rabbit and it's seen as 'a bit of naughty fun'. But when I ordered my 240 volt fistmaster 5000 latex revolving pussy with elasticated anus and imitation shit dribble with breast nipple discharge and semen collection tray with built in realistic rape cry sound system, I'm known as some kind of sick pervert. To be fair, the above was copied from my mate Matt's FB page, his joke! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
