A Joke

[themaninblack 2,112]

A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.

 

He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

 

A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.

 

 

 

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever."

 

"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."

 

"OK, then, I want to die after a Labour government balances the budget and eliminates the debt."

 

"You crafty little bastard," said the genie.

 

He'll live beyond eternity if it were Osbourne and co...

[RIP Wee Jum 1,559]

Scientists say that they have developed a pill that will cure dyslexia.

 

 

That will certainly be music to my arse!

[Perfect Passing 277]

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

 

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

 

"That's nothing," says Sean. "Here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."

 

Then Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"

 

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

 

Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

[Dr. Zorders 1,271]

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

 

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

 

"That's nothing," says Sean. "Here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."

 

Then Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"

 

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

 

Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

 

Fucking hilarious.

[Paul Bearer 6,101]

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

 

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on

a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and

begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

 

MAN: "Hello"

 

WOMAN: "Hi darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"

...

MAN: "Yes."

 

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It's only £1,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

 

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

 

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Ford showroom and saw the new models. I

saw one I really liked."

 

MAN: "How much?"

 

WOMAN: "£37,000.";

 

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

 

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Jane and

found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market.

They're asking £570,000 for it."

 

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of £550,000. They'll

probably take it. If not, we can go the extra twenty-thousand if it's

what you really want."

 

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

 

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

 

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him

in astonishment, mouths wide open.

 

He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"

[Perfect Passing 277]

Some years ago, in a small coastal Irish community, Paddy married a woman, Maggie, half his age. All was well at first until Maggie took delivery of a 'woman's magazine and began to read things about sex. It soon became clear that she had never climaxed during sex and, according to her Grandmother, all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.

 

To resolve the problem, Paddy and Maggie went to see the Veterinarian since there was no doctor within thirty miles who could be relied upon not to gossip. However, the Vet didn't have a clue about people. But he did recall during hot summers, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding. Apparently, this cooled her down and helped her to relax.. So he recommended they hire a strong, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, should cause the young wife to cool down, relax and possibly achieve the sought after climax.

 

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave a huge bath towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet who suggested she change partners and let the young man have a go while Paddy waved the big towel.

 

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours. When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice shouted, "And dat, me auld son, is how ya wave a feckin' towel"

 

[Perfect Passing 277]

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

 

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

 

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

 

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

 

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

 

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

 

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

 

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

 

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

 

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

 

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

 

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

 

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

 

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

 

 

BOB's funeral will be on Friday!

[the_engineer 1,415]

Some years ago, in a small coastal Irish community, Paddy married a woman, Maggie, half his age. All was well at first until Maggie took delivery of a 'woman's magazine and began to read things about sex. It soon became clear that she had never climaxed during sex and, according to her Grandmother, all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.

 

To resolve the problem, Paddy and Maggie went to see the Veterinarian since there was no doctor within thirty miles who could be relied upon not to gossip. However, the Vet didn't have a clue about people. But he did recall during hot summers, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding. Apparently, this cooled her down and helped her to relax.. So he recommended they hire a strong, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, should cause the young wife to cool down, relax and possibly achieve the sought after climax.

 

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave a huge bath towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet who suggested she change partners and let the young man have a go while Paddy waved the big towel.

 

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours. When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice shouted, "And dat, me auld son, is how ya wave a feckin' towel"

 

brilliant , Can't stop laughing.

[Perfect Passing 277]

Three women: one engaged, one a mistress and one married are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes.

 

After a few days they meet again.....

 

The engaged girlfriend said: "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and mask. He said, "You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long."

 

The mistress stated: "Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night."

 

The married one then said: "Well, last night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes.

 

My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV remote and a beer, plopped his fat ass on the couch and said, "Hey Batman, what's for dinner?"

[Perfect Passing 277]

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the 'Antiques Roadshow'

 

"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

 

 

"...Sticks?" Paddy replied.

[Perfect Passing 277]

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex! A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband!

------------------------------------

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor.

---------------------------------------

Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of humus and Taramasalata. It's a double dip recession.

----------------------------------------

A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"

The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".

------------------------------------------

In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".

 

The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been

confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mum's.

----------------------------------------

 

63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning.

It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed..

The police are blaming AL IKEA .

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

Jonathan Ross has been accused

of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.

Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Police stop a Pakistani in his transit on the motorway. Policeman says "Do you know the limit is 70?" The driver leans into the back and says: "Hear that - 3 of you have got to get out!"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo

with blood pouring from them..

"Bugger that" said Paddy

"That's the last time I go lion dancing"

[Dr. Zorders 1,271]

All pretty funny, except 1997 was 16 years ago now.

 

Are you in denial about your age or did you just forget to edit it from wherever you copied it from?

[Perfect Passing 277]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working,"replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that" Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub...... What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.

"I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

 

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him

"You're with that circus, arent' you?"

Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

"Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck.

"Where is it?"

"At the circus," Says the barman.

"The circus?" Repeats the duck.

"That's right," Replies the barman

"The circus?"

The duck asks again. With the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says.....................

 

"What the fuck would they want with a plasterer??!"

[Perfect Passing 277]

All pretty funny, except 1997 was 16 years ago now.

 

Are you in denial about your age or did you just forget to edit it from wherever you copied it from?

 

All of the above Doc.

It was them 'E's that robbed me of the 90's, Hell I didn't even know 1997 happened until you just mentioned it!

[Dr. Zorders 1,271]

All pretty funny, except 1997 was 16 years ago now.

 

Are you in denial about your age or did you just forget to edit it from wherever you copied it from?

 

All of the above Doc.

It was them 'E's that robbed me of the 90's, Hell I didn't even know 1997 happened until you just mentioned it!

 

Well, there's good news and bad news. You'll never be able to see Diana's tits now, but you can see Kate Winslet's.

[Paul Bearer 6,101]

Just got myself a box of animal crackers from the shop! Not had them in years. Had to take them back though...the seal was broken.

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

Financial good news at last:

 

The child I was sponsoring in Africa just died in a rebel attack!

[Magere Hein 1,400]

Financial good news at last:

 

The child I was sponsoring in Africa just died in a rebel attack!

 

Ehrm, on which side, attackers or attackees?

 

regards,

Hein

[Perfect Passing 277]

There was a brothel at the top of a hill, with a large red light at the bottom of the hill..

 

There were four men ..

 

One was walking briskly up the hill.

One was inside the brothel.

One was walking slowly down the hill and

the fourth man was sitting in his car at the bottom of the hill.

 

 

What were the nationalities of the four men?

 

 

* The man going up the hill: was rushin

 

* The man in the brothel: him-a-layin

 

* The man walking down the hill: was finish

 

 

Now wait for it

 

* The man in the car at the bottom was Irish, and he was waiting for the light to turn green!

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

Financial good news at last:

 

The child I was sponsoring in Africa just died in a rebel attack!

 

Ehrm, on which side, attackers or attackees?

 

regards,

Hein

 

Didn't read that bit of the email; just saw I was £20 a month up and punched the air!

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

Just had a CCTV camera installed in the toilet bowl.

 

Anyone can follow me on ***ter.

[Perfect Passing 277]

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist. "Could you taste this for me, please ?"

 

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.

 

"Does that taste sweet to you ?" says Paddy.

 

"No, not at all," says the chemist.

 

"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."

[Perfect Passing 277]

 

 

 

 

 

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman

sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

 

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,

'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there'....

and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

 

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds,

not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response,

took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

 

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle,

you need to have a Mercedes in your garage,

a million dollars in the bank

and '7' inches in your pants......

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.

He folded the note, handed it to the waiter

and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

 

It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be:

"I have a Ferrari Maranello,

a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a PorscheTurbo in my several garages;

I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas.

 

There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account.

But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you,

would I cut off two inches.

Just send the wine back"!!!

 

[Phantom 2,533]

In case the country gets invaded and I have to quickly hide, I have a big pop art painting on my wall that hides a secret panic room.

I call it my handy war hole.

[the_engineer 1,415]

Kate and gerry are back on the TV maddie will be pleased, I will just pop down to the basement and tell her .