Amanda 3 Posted October 6, 2005 As my mum said - "Never Trust A Man With Testicles" and God was she right!! I'm interested, how does one distinguish between a man with testicles and a man with out if one is walking down a street? When putting money in the bank does one ask the male banker to drop his pants in order to see the level in trust you may hold? It also raises serious questions about your current boyfriend.... Much as I agree with my mother, testicles are a vital necessity at some time in the future as perhaps one day I may want children... although that's a long way off. I guess my mother's been messed about a lot in her life, but then you have to ask yourself when it keeps happening whether it really is the men, or maybe it's more about yourself? I don't know. But it's scary that I may actually turn into my mother some time in the future. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Die 63 Posted October 6, 2005 But it's scary that I may actually turn into my mother some time in the future. I think it's happened already. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Boudicca 702 Posted October 6, 2005 Some advice from The Expert! Or you could ask Elizabeth Taylor if she's still around. Haven't heard anything about her lately.. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Amanda 3 Posted October 6, 2005 But it's scary that I may actually turn into my mother some time in the future. I think it's happened already. I think you may be right! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Amanda 3 Posted October 6, 2005 Two Middle East mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The elder of the mother pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing. "This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now". "Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully. "He's a martyr now though" mum confides. "Oh so sad dear" says the other. "And this is my second son Kalid. Hes's 21" "Oh I remember him," says the other happily "he had such curly hair when he was born." "He's a martyr too" says mum quietly. "Oh gracious me." says the other. "And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 17" she whispers. "Yes," says the friend enthusiastically "I remember when he first started school." "He's a martyr also" sayd mum, with tears in her eyes. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Halibut mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...... "They blow up so fast, don't they?" 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
football_fan 42 Posted October 6, 2005 Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke." "No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spat in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too." Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York. As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples..... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?" 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,101 Posted October 6, 2005 Two Middle East mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The elder of the mother pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing. "This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now". "Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully. "He's a martyr now though" mum confides. "Oh so sad dear" says the other. "And this is my second son Kalid. Hes's 21" "Oh I remember him," says the other happily "he had such curly hair when he was born." "He's a martyr too" says mum quietly. "Oh gracious me." says the other. "And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 17" she whispers. "Yes," says the friend enthusiastically "I remember when he first started school." "He's a martyr also" sayd mum, with tears in her eyes. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Halibut mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...... "They blow up so fast, don't they?" Wasn't this the first joke on page one of this thread? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Boudicca 702 Posted October 6, 2005 Wasn't this the first joke on page one of this thread? It was. Perhaps we've run out of jokes, and this thread is now on a loop. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Magere Hein 1,400 Posted October 6, 2005 Wasn't this the first joke on page one of this thread? It was. Perhaps we've run out of jokes, and this thread is now on a loop. Good. From now on we can simply use the posting number and laugh when the person who posts it gets the accent wrong. regards, Hein Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,101 Posted October 6, 2005 An old lady took her parrot to the vet! "He hasn't moved for ages" she told him. The vet replied "Hardly surprising Mrs Jones, your parrot is dead" "Are you sure?" she retorted. "Hang on a minute" he replied. He went out the room for a few seconds and returned with a kitten. The kitten looked at the parrot, sniffed at it, looked up at the vet and shook it's head. Next he went out and brought in a Labrador, the dog sniffed at the parrot, licked its feathers then looked up at the vet and shook its head. "Definitely dead" said the vet "O.K. then" the old lady said "How much do I owe you?" "£275.00" replied the vet "£275.00?" the old lady screamed, "how can you justify that? "Well" said the vet"normally it would only have cost £25, but you insisted on the cat-scan and a lab report". Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Magere Hein 1,400 Posted October 6, 2005 An old lady took her parrot to the vet! Ouch! regards, Hein Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
DevonDeathTrip 2,358 Posted October 7, 2005 Kate Moss goes to a party where she runs into Jeremy Clarkson... Kate: "What do you do?" Jeremy: "I do Top Gear" Kate: "Great! I'll have four grams!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Die 63 Posted October 7, 2005 Kate Moss goes to a party where she runs into Jeremy Clarkson... Kate: "What do you do?" Jeremy: "I do Top Gear" Kate: "Great! I'll have four grams!" I'm getting deja vu here. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
DevonDeathTrip 2,358 Posted October 7, 2005 Kate Moss goes to a party where she runs into Jeremy Clarkson... Kate: "What do you do?" Jeremy: "I do Top Gear" Kate: "Great! I'll have four grams!" I'm getting deja vu here. Sorry - promise to do better next time... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Captain Oates 21 Posted October 7, 2005 Kate Moss goes to a party where she runs into Jeremy Clarkson... Kate: "What do you do?" Jeremy: "I do Top Gear" Kate: "Great! I'll have four grams!" I'm getting deja vu here. There's a great forum here where such jokes are to be found ! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Die 63 Posted October 7, 2005 Kate Moss goes to a party where she runs into Jeremy Clarkson... Kate: "What do you do?" Jeremy: "I do Top Gear" Kate: "Great! I'll have four grams!" I'm getting deja vu here. There's a great forum here where such jokes are to be found ! AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Windsor 2,233 Posted October 7, 2005 On my travels this moring I heard a very bad joke. I think it was radio two just before Terry Wogan started prick hour with endless slagging of a Scots accent (He was in Abedeen this morning). The Joke Q) What do you get if you walk under a cow? A) A pat on the head. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,101 Posted October 7, 2005 A bear and a rabbit were taknig a crap in the woods, the bear turns to the rabbit and asked him if he had any problems with S**t sticking to his fur. the rabbit said "no". so the bear wiped his arse with the rabbit. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
football_fan 42 Posted October 9, 2005 C L A Y P I G E O N S H O O T I N G Hi, I don't want to start a new topic for this, but please can someone help me? I'm going clay pigeon shooting for the first time today & is there any advice or anything that anyone can offer me? I've got a 12 bore to use (is that OK for beginners?). Is there anything I need to know? Aside from aim at the clay pigeons of course... thanks. So Amanda, How did the clay pigeon shooting turn out? Regards, ff Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Amanda 3 Posted October 9, 2005 C L A Y P I G E O N S H O O T I N G Hi, I don't want to start a new topic for this, but please can someone help me? I'm going clay pigeon shooting for the first time today & is there any advice or anything that anyone can offer me? I've got a 12 bore to use (is that OK for beginners?). Is there anything I need to know? Aside from aim at the clay pigeons of course... thanks. So Amanda, How did the clay pigeon shooting turn out? Regards, ff Hi there, morning. Yes it went good thank you. I managed to hit a few of the clays ... more down to pot luck I think. It's REALLY addictive actually and I'd like to go again. Good subsistute for hunting now I'm horse-less. The only problem I encountered was when I didn't hold the gun in correct position and it bashed into my collar bone which really really really hurt and still hurts now. Very enjoyable though. All the people there were really helpful & encouraging, which you don't get in a lot of sports I've found. NEWSFLASH! Two homosexual Halibuts have exploded whilst having sex in the Selley Oak area of Birmingham. Police have released a statement saying they think they were suicide bummers..... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Amanda 3 Posted October 9, 2005 JOKE (hope it's not a duplicate) 35 people have been found dead in a house in Gloucester. Their bunk beds collapsed and killed everyone involved. Police are blaming Al-Ikea. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
football_fan 42 Posted October 9, 2005 C L A Y P I G E O N S H O O T I N G Hi, I don't want to start a new topic for this, but please can someone help me? I'm going clay pigeon shooting for the first time today & is there any advice or anything that anyone can offer me? I've got a 12 bore to use (is that OK for beginners?). Is there anything I need to know? Aside from aim at the clay pigeons of course... thanks. So Amanda, How did the clay pigeon shooting turn out? Regards, ff Hi there, morning. Yes it went good thank you. I managed to hit a few of the clays ... more down to pot luck I think. It's REALLY addictive actually and I'd like to go again. Good subsistute for hunting now I'm horse-less. The only problem I encountered was when I didn't hold the gun in correct position and it bashed into my collar bone which really really really hurt and still hurts now. Very enjoyable though. All the people there were really helpful & encouraging, which you don't get in a lot of sports I've found. That sounds good. My wife and I are thinking of going next week. How was your score on your first outing? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
football_fan 42 Posted October 9, 2005 A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out. The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped. The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace." The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack." 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Banshees Scream 110 Posted October 9, 2005 The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack." I'm clapping my hands for that one.. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Windsor 2,233 Posted October 9, 2005 A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out. The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped. The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace." The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack." I've heard that one but it involves the boy, someone else (I forget) , President Bush and the Pope. I'll leave you to guess who took the school bag. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
