A Joke

[Banshees Scream 110]

What's the difference between Monika Lewinsky and a transvestite sailor?

 

With the sailor, the dress is on the seaman

 

Very creative.

[Banshees Scream 110]

A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighborhood, so for public safety, he was committed.

 

He was put in a room with another crazy and immediately began his routine, "I am John The Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me!"

 

The other guy looks at him and declares, "I did not!"

[scsibear 4]

FOR SALE:

 

One Very rarely used Excellent Under-Pitch heating System....you know..to Keep the Players Warm !!! (EH !!)

 

HAHAHA...it's was good to pass up...You know who you Are

[deeuu 0]

Was it really that bad?

 

*skulks off into corner and frantically searches for coat*

[Paul Bearer 6,109]

Lorne checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely, so

he thought I'd get one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths

when you're calling for a cab.

 

Lorne had grabbed a woman's card when he called a cab to take him from

the airport to the hotel. It was an ad for a girl named Erogonique, a

lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in

all the right places, beautiful long, wavy hair, long graceful legs that

went all the way up to her firm, shapely butt.

 

So Lorne's in his room and figures, "What the hell, I'll give her a

call."

 

"Hello?" the woman says. Gawd, she sounded sexy.

 

"Hi," Lorne began. "I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to

come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I'm in town all alone and

what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot and I want it

now!

I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring

implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go

hot and heavy all night - tie me up, wear a strap-on, cover me in

chocolate syrup and whipped cream - anything you want, baby. Now, how

does that sound?"

 

"That sounds fantastic," she said, "But for an outside line you need to

press 9."

[honez 79]

{snip}

"That sounds fantastic," she said, "But for an outside line you need to press 9."

Wow. What a coincidence that she worked at the same hotel!

[deeuu 0]

Lorne checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely, so

he thought I'd get one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths

when you're calling for a cab.

 

I can see the Sunday papers now, "No drum roll leads to American joke lacking humour - Lorne Green in sex pact with receptionist! Inside we count down our top ten 'Saddam is my mother in law' jokes."

 

oh no, wait...

[Paul Bearer 6,109]

my wife caught me in bed with a chicken. boy, was there egg on my face!

[Paul Bearer 6,109]

What does an insomniac, agnostic, dyslexic person do???

Lays awake all night, wondering if there really IS a dog.

 

sorry if its already been posted

[Paul Bearer 6,109]

And finaly tonight

 

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

A fish

[honez 79]

I found my first grey pubic hair the other day . . .

 

 

It was in a kebab.

[One shot Paddy 1,206]

Q. What was Bobby Sands's phone number?

 

 

A. 8 nothing 8 nothing 8 nothing!

[TLC 9]

Q. What was Bobby Sands's phone number?

 

 

A. 8 nothing 8 nothing 8 nothing!

Is that the H-Plan diet?

 

I didn't realise I shared my birthday with the anniversary of his death.

 

Funny, death-related and very topical. Well done!

[One shot Paddy 1,206]

Q. What was Bobby Sands's phone number?

 

 

A. 8 nothing 8 nothing 8 nothing!

Is that the H-Plan diet?

 

I didn't realise I shared my birthday with the anniversary of his death.

 

Funny, death-related and very topical. Well done!

 

 

A 25 year old joke back from the dead! That H-plan diet was a-MAZE-ing

[TLC 9]

A 25 year old joke back from the dead! That H-plan diet was a-MAZE-ing

Still, at least they kept themselves busy with some splendid interior design. Much better than that Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen nonsense, keep it basic and 'earthy' I say.

 

I suppose they would count as installations..

 

In the spirit of 1981, we seem to have revived 'The Comedians' style of joke today, or that's my excuse.

[One shot Paddy 1,206]

A 25 year old joke back from the dead! That H-plan diet was a-MAZE-ing

Still, at least they kept themselves busy with some splendid interior design. Much better than that Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen nonsense, keep it basic and 'earthy' I say.

 

I suppose they would count as installations..

 

In the spirit of 1981, we seem to have revived 'The Comedians' style of joke today, or that's my excuse.

 

That takes me back, the dirty protest and The Comedians!

 

I can just imagine Mr Llewellyn-Bowen in a Changing Rooms H-block special

[Anubis the Jackal 77]

What's brown and sounds like a bell?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DUNG!

[Anubis the Jackal 77]

A man was seated on a nearly empty train pottering slowly through the sun-dappled English countryside. opposite him in the carriage was an grey-haired elderly lady, dressed in tweeds studiously reading a bible. The train pulled into a sleepy village station, whereupon the old lady immediately ceased reading her Bible and closed her eyes. When the train pulled out of the station, the old lady instantly returned to her reading.

 

As the journey continued, the man realised that the old woman would repeat this at every station they passed through, putting down The Bible whenever they pulled into a station, and picking it up whenever they started up again. Finally, as the train was nearing the last stop on the line, curiosity got the better of the man and he gently leant over towrds the lady and cleared his throat to gain her attention.

 

 

 

"Excuse me for asking," he said, "but I was just wondering, why were you reading your Bible whilst the train was moving, but then when we were in a station, you put it to one side?"

 

 

 

The old woman turned to him and said

 

 

 

"Why don't you just F**k Off."

[Six 23]

Very good.

 

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....... ( here we go...)

 

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

 

 

(Sorry, got that one off a Cheesy Jokes website. Very cheesy indeed. )

[deeuu 0]

In biology class, the teacher draws a cucumber on the board: "Children, could someone tell me what this is?"

Tommy raises his hand: "It's a c*ck, Miss!" The Teacher bursts into tears and runs out. In a minute the Head Teacher bursts in: "Alright, what did you do now? It's something new every day! Yesterday you break a window, and today...," he looks around, "...and today you draw a c*ck on the blackboard?"

 

 

 

US Staff Sergeant to his new recruits: "Write down: the temperature of boiling water is 90°." One of the privates replies, "Sir, you're mistaken - it's 100°!" The Sergeant checks in the book, and then replies, "Right, 100°. It is the right angle that boils at 90°."

 

[Magere Hein 1,400]

US Staff Sergeant to his new recruits: "Write down: the temperature of boiling water is 90°." One of the privates replies, "Sir, you're mistaken - it's 100°!" The Sergeant checks in the book, and then replies, "Right, 100°. It is the right angle that boils at 90°."

[NITPICK]

A US Staff Sergeant using the Celsius scale?

[/NITPICK]

 

regards,

Hein

[deeuu 0]

US Staff Sergeant to his new recruits: "Write down: the temperature of boiling water is 90°." One of the privates replies, "Sir, you're mistaken - it's 100°!" The Sergeant checks in the book, and then replies, "Right, 100°. It is the right angle that boils at 90°."

[NITPICK]

A US Staff Sergeant using the Celsius scale?

[/NITPICK]

 

regards,

Hein

 

So you are saying I "F'd" it up...

 

[Josco 49]

Not sure if this has been posted here before, and I couldn't be bothered to check too assidiously, but this must surely be the ultimate sick joke reference.

 

Enjoy.

[deeuu 0]

Nice, the one I posted earlier, that got deleted, is there...

[Lady Die 63]

Not sure if this has been posted here before, and I couldn't be bothered to check too assidiously, but this must surely be the ultimate sick joke reference.

 

Enjoy.

EXCELLENT. I can recommend the "old people" section.