A Joke

[Josco 49]

This is not directed to Josco's wife. This is just a quote of mine.

 

'The cover of a book may be shredded on the outside'

'On the in the words are still read the same'

I'm sure Josco would rather think of Lady J in William Styron's terms;

"A great book should leave you with many experiences, and slightly exhausted."

Almost right Honez, but Mrs J is not so much exhausting, more exasperating.

 

And there must be a reason behind all of this. Try pulling down the curtain.

Any particular kind of curtain?

[Lady Grendel 139]

This is not directed to Josco's wife. This is just a quote of mine.

 

'The cover of a book may be shredded on the outside'

'On the in the words are still read the same'

I'm sure Josco would rather think of Lady J in William Styron's terms;

"A great book should leave you with many experiences, and slightly exhausted."

Almost right Honez, but Mrs J is not so much exhausting, more exasperating.

 

And there must be a reason behind all of this. Try pulling down the curtain.

Any particular kind of curtain?

 

Ask Boudicca Josco, she is an expert on curtains

[Star Crossed 33]

Any particular kind of curtain?

Moo!

[Tuber Mirum 125]

Any particular kind of curtain?

Moo!

Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!

[Banshees Scream 110]

This is not directed to Josco's wife. This is just a quote of mine.

 

'The cover of a book may be shredded on the outside'

'On the in the words are still read the same'

I'm sure Josco would rather think of Lady J in William Styron's terms;

"A great book should leave you with many experiences, and slightly exhausted."

Almost right Honez, but Mrs J is not so much exhausting, more exasperating.

 

And there must be a reason behind all of this. Try pulling down the curtain.

Any particular kind of curtain?

 

Not a shower curtain. Think of it is as all things come to be for a purpose. Your wifes behavier is the shadow of a reason and that reason you may only know. If not find out.

[scsibear 4]

Speed Saves Lives

 

I thought this may have been relevant in the death & how it happens thread but on reflection it's prolly best in here

 

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2171298164600836416

 

Enjoy

Scsi

[Banshees Scream 110]

Speed Saves Lives

 

I thought this may have been relevant in the death & how it happens thread but on reflection it's prolly best in here

 

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2171298164600836416

 

Enjoy

Scsi

 

Excellent scsibear. Also very logical?

[Paul Bearer 6,101]

Speed Saves Lives

 

I thought this may have been relevant in the death & how it happens thread but on reflection it's prolly best in here

 

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2171298164600836416

 

Enjoy

Scsi

 

I got the same flag as your avatar on my computer at work SCSI. Do you have equadorian blood going through your veins as well?

[scsibear 4]

Speed Saves Lives

 

I thought this may have been relevant in the death & how it happens thread but on reflection it's prolly best in here

 

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2171298164600836416

 

Enjoy

Scsi

 

I got the same flag as your avatar on my computer at work SCSI. Do you have equadorian blood going through your veins as well?

 

Why didn't you know HCW... "scsi" is an Ecuadorian name hahahaha tho I may also very soon have myself Dutch blood too

Scsi Van Dyke

cheers

Scsi

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

Class video, deffo in the right place.

[One shot Paddy 1,206]

Excerpted from an article about a bank robbery which appeared in the Dublin Times (metropolitan edition, page 2A) on 2 March 1999:

 

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank.

 

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found Only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio-tape system, one said, "At least we'll get a bit to eat,"

 

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened.

 

They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

 

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

 

The newspaper headline read:

 

IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor.

 

The leper looked hurt and said, "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them."

 

The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, "I'm sorry as hell man, but it wasn't you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his scratchings in your neck."

 

----------------------------------------------

 

Q: What do call an anorexic with a dose of thrush?

 

A: A quarterpounder with cheese!

[Godot 149]

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly.

 

 

A woman walks into the kitchen and finds her husband with the fly swat.

 

"What are you doing?"

She asks.

 

"Hunting Flies," he says.

 

"Killed any?"

 

"Yup, three male, two female."

 

How do you tell them apart?" she asks.

 

He says:" Well three were on a beer can, and two were on the phone."

[Guest John]

Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

 

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

 

The blonde realises he is staring and

inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

 

"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.

 

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

 

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

 

Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

 

"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

 

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over

and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

 

Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"

[Lady Die 63]

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less.

 

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations...

 

She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't

say a word.

 

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

 

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

 

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

 

And the moral of this story is:

 

Always keep your condoms in your car........

[Lady Die 63]

On his first day on the job, the trainee dialled the kitchen and

shouted into the phone: "Get me a F***ING cup of coffee, quickly!"

 

The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you've dialled the

wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

 

"No," replied the trainee.

 

"It's the Managing Director of the company, idiot!"

 

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are F***ING

talking to, you F***ING idiot?"

 

"No!" replied the Managing Director indignantly

 

"Oh thank God for that!" replied the trainee and slammed the phone down

[Phantom 2,533]

I just bought my mother-in-law a new chair

 

But she won't let me plug it in

[Paul Bearer 6,101]

A few funnies for your pleasure

 

 

 

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

 

Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new

car.

 

 

Q. What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

 

 

Q. What's the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

 

 

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

 

 

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

 

 

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it!

 

 

Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

 

 

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

[Paul Bearer 6,101]

some more

 

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

 

 

Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?

A. About three inches.

 

 

Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?

A. For traction in the mud.

 

 

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.

 

 

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

 

 

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

 

 

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: 45 pounds.

 

 

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 minutes.

 

 

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.

 

 

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true

love?

A. The swallow.

 

 

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

 

 

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A . They don't have balls to scratch!

[Paul Bearer 6,101]

Last one this weekend

 

Subject: Eve's side of the story ...

 

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It's all so beautiful" she replied.

"Everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you've given me.

The middle one pushes the other two out and I'm constantly knocking them

with my arms."

 

She went on to tell Him that since many other parts of her body came in

pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.......she felt that having

only two breasts might leave her body more"symmetrically balanced," as

she put it.

"That is a fair point, but it was my first shot at this, you know.

I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only

half of those, but I see that you are right.

I will fix it up right away."

And He reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the

bushes.

 

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of

Eden.

"Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?"

"Just fantastic,"she replied, "But for one oversight on your part.

You see, all the animals are paired off.

The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull.

All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said,

"You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this?

You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of

you.

Now let's see............where did I put that useless tit?"

[TLC 9]

In case anyone missed this, BA halts all flights from UK

[Phantom 2,533]

If love is blind, is lingerie braille?

 

If meat is murder, is fish justifiable homicide?

[Phantom 2,533]

You forgot one.

 

If girls/women are made of sugar & spice, why do some of them taste of anchovies?

 

Mods, Can we move this to the joke thread please

 

[Done -- MH]

Edited September 5, 2006 by Magere Hein

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

Two doctors are talking, one says: Did you tell that asylum seeker from the RTA that has was going to die?

 

The other says; Yes, I did actually.

 

'You bastard,' says the first doctor, 'I wanted to tell him.'

[Paul Bearer 6,101]

Two tramps are walking along a railway track. One of them says: "This is my lucky railway track. " "Oh, what makes you say that?" asks the other tramp. "Well, I was walking here the other day and came upon a hamper. I opened it up and there was the most beautiful food and drink. I scoffed the lot. It was the most amazing meal of my life".

 

The other tramp said:"Funny you should mention that but this is my lucky railway track as well". "How come?" asks his friend, "Well, the other week I came upon a beautiful, naked young woman. i took her in my hands and made mad, passionate love to her. It was the best sex of my life".

 

The other tramp was a bit miffed at this and asked "Did she give you a blowjob?" "No" said his friend sadly "I couldn't find her head".