A Joke

[Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,218]

A man is chatting a girl up in the local nightclub

 

 

MAN " ere darlin, fancy coming back with me for some hot sex?"

 

 

GIRL "no sorry I cant, not tonight."

 

 

MAN "Oh why not?"

 

 

GIRL " Because Im on my menstrual cycle"

 

 

MAN " Oh thats no problem, I'll follow you back on my Suzuki.......................

[VSBfromH 74]

In a similar vein to the earlier ones...

 

What does D.N.A. stand for?

 

National Dyslexia Association

 

... or

 

Roses are red

Violets are blue

I'm schizophrenic

And so am I

[Typhoid Harry 23]

RELEASE NO. 13-67

DATE: APRIL 10, 2007

TIME OF RELEASE: Immediate

 

 

REF: RULE CHANGE FOR FISHERMAN

 

STATE OF CALIFORNIA

GENERAL ADMINISTRATION BUILDING

DEPARTMENT OF FISH AND GAME

SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA

 

 

ATTN: U.S. DEPARTMENT OF FISH AND GAME

 

"COHO SALMON IN HETCH-HETCHY RESERVOIR"

 

The "Coko" salmon, not being native to California waters, have experienced difficulty in surviving. The female, when going up the Tuolomne feeder streams, has been losing her roe on the rocky bottoms; when able to get far enough upstream into the small pools and inlets, she has had difficulty getting back into the mainstream over the sand bars, etc. In fact, as many as 90 percent were dying in the upper reaches of the reservoir tributaries which caused a pollution and odor problem.

 

The California Department of Fish and Game decided to crossbreed the Coho with the Minnesota Walleye for two reasons:

 

1. The Walleye has the intelligence and endurance to get through the Tuolomne tributaries, and;

 

2. It is not prone to losing roe while traveling upstream.

 

The new species was named the "Co-Wal". However, in crossbreeding, the fighting spirit for which the Coho is known was lost to the more sluggish tendencies of the Walleye.

 

To counter this sluggishness, the experiment went further. The Department bred the "Co-Wal" with the greatest fresh-water fighting fish in North America - the Muskie. This created a hybrid, double crossbreed and introduced a new American game fish. The Department has named this hybrid the "Co-Wal-Ski", and now has to teach the dumb son-of-a-bitch to swim.

 

R.D Ingerson

Director of Sport Fishing.

[VSBfromH 74]

Story by a Man standing in a queue in Tesco's.........

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was

standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again,

although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last

time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care

ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it

works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat

one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally

complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now

enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition

because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been

sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard

as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??

[Lady Die 63]

From BBC website ..... am I a bad person for laughing?

 

 

"German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder, attending a solemn ceremony at Jerusalem's Yad Vashem Holocaust Memorial, was invited to turn a handle to boost the eternal flame commemorating the death of millions of Jews during the Holocaust.

 

"To the acute embarrassment of everyone present, the chancellor turned the handle in the wrong direction and extinguished the flame."

[maryportfuncity 10,639]

Pakistan have replaced murdered coach Bob Woolmer with Gladstone Small.

 

At his press conference he was asked what he would like to say to Woolmer's Killers.

 

Small replied, Try strangling me you f ucking bastards

[VSBfromH 74]

Pakistan have replaced murdered coach Bob Woolmer with Gladstone Small.

 

At his press conference he was asked what he would like to say to Woolmer's Killers.

 

Small replied, Try strangling me you f ucking bastards

 

Nice one, MPFC! I just hope you don't have to explain the joke to Bruno...

[Handrejka 1,903]

Pakistan have replaced murdered coach Bob Woolmer with Gladstone Small.

 

At his press conference he was asked what he would like to say to Woolmer's Killers.

 

Small replied, Try strangling me you f ucking bastards

 

Nice one, MPFC! I just hope you don't have to explain the joke to Bruno...

 

You'll have to explain it to me too I'm afraid.

 

Edit - Just googled him. I get it now

[maryportfuncity 10,639]

There used to be this long pub joke in which Ian Botham ordered turtle soup and waited for ages before being told they couldn't get the turtle out of its shell, after which he walked into the kitchen, fisted up the rear end and sorted the problem.

 

Where did you learn that trick? asked the chef.

 

Oh, said Ian, we do it to Gladstone Small all the time, it's the only way we can get a bow tie on him!

[maryportfuncity 10,639]

That programme on offensive jokes on Channel Four this week reminded me of a classic:

 

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

 

She wasn't wearing a seat belt.

[Lady Grendel 139]

Pakistan have replaced murdered coach Bob Woolmer with Gladstone Small.

 

At his press conference he was asked what he would like to say to Woolmer's Killers.

 

Small replied, Try strangling me you f ucking bastards

 

Nice one, MPFC! I just hope you don't have to explain the joke to Bruno...

 

You'll have to explain it to me too I'm afraid.

 

Edit - Just googled him. I get it now

 

Me too Handrejka .

[Monoclinic 39]

That programme on offensive jokes on Channel Four this week reminded me of a classic:

 

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

 

She wasn't wearing a seat belt.

 

 

Whilst we are reminiscing: How did the forensics experts know that Princess Diana had dandruff?

 

Because they found her head and shoulders on the back seat.

[harrymcnallysblueandwhitearmy 1,684]

Who cares about Gladders's deficiency in the neck department - he was an integral part of the Bears' glorious 1994 treble-winning, recreational-drug-taking team, the grand slam only foiled by the evil Black Pears' lucky Gillette Cup victory. Coincidentally, strangled Bobby W was our coach that year.

[themaninblack 2,112]

There's been a few Diana jokes recently, so here's another one...

 

Diana's in Heaven and is being shown around by St Peter.

Not only does she spot deceased relatives but also celebrities, such as

Einstein, Ghandi and Elvis Presley.

But then, Diana spots a recognisable figure sauntering round, with slicked back black hair, wearing

a black leather jacket and large sunglasses.

Diana nudges St Peter "That's Bono that is! He's not dead surely?".

St Peter replies. "That's not Bono, it's God, he just thinks he's Bono!"

[Monoclinic 39]

There's been a few Diana jokes recently, so here's another one...

 

Diana's in Heaven and is being shown around by St Peter.

Not only does she spot deceased relatives but also celebrities, such as

Einstein, Ghandi and Elvis Presley.

But then, Diana spots a recognisable figure sauntering round, with slicked back black hair, wearing

a black leather jacket and large sunglasses.

Diana nudges St Peter "That's Bono that is! He's not dead surely?".

St Peter replies. "That's not Bono, it's God, he just thinks he's Bono!"

 

 

I love it, never heard it before either. I know just the die hard fan to use it on too... maybe have to wait until someone famous dies and use them.

[maryportfuncity 10,639]

I said to the wife: 'I'd like it if you moaned more when we are having sex.'

 

That night, I was on top of her and she said; 'Have you seen the price of a loaf in Morrissons?'

[scsibear 4]

I said to the wife: 'I'd like it if you moaned more when we are having sex.'

 

That night, I was on top of her and she said; 'Have you seen the price of a loaf in Morrissons?'

 

 

HAHAHA Nice One MPFC I appreciated that one

 

Anyhoo here's a wee one from my neck of the woods

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

The scene is a Glasgow court and a witness (a ned) is being questioned by a

rather plummy mouthed Advocate Depute (AD)

 

 

AD "You say you went to your friend's house that night. Why did you go

there?"

 

 

WITNESS "Tae get a tap."

 

 

AD "Is your friend a plumber?"

 

 

WITNESS "Naw."

 

 

AD "Are you a plumber?"

 

 

WITNESS "Naw."

 

 

The witness is a bit bewildered by this line of questioning and the AD

realises it, but notices that the court police officer is rubbing his

fingers of one hand together in the universal gesture of money. Daylight

apparently dawns on the AD and he changes his line of questioning

accordingly.

 

 

AD "So you went to the house to borrow money?"

 

 

WITNESS "Naw."

 

 

AD "Ah. You went to the house to lend money?"

 

 

WITNESS "Naw."

 

 

In exasperation the AD says, "You told the court you went to your friend's

house for a tap. What kind of a tap was it?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

WITNESS "A Sellick tap."

 

[scsibear 4]

Who says Eskimo's know all there is to know about Fishing !!!

 

Fishing

 

[maryportfuncity 10,639]

WITNESS "A Sellick tap."

 

I'm usually pretty good with Scots dialect jokes, but you've lost me.

 

 

On another tap - heh heh - saw Kevin Dewsbury and Lucy Porter a while back.

 

 

His best gag: 'I took loads of drugs, then I crawled into bed with my girlfriend and she said: 'have you been doing drugs again?'

 

I said; 'What makes you ask that?'

 

She said: 'Cos I don't f*****g exist!'

 

 

 

Her best gag: 'My mum, she sees the best in everyone. When Myra Hindley died she told me; 'I was always grateful to her. For a while in the sixties I thought about going blonde, but when that picture of her was everywhere it changed my mind. I think - after all - it would've been a mistake.'

 

 

 

Another good Kevin Dewsbury gag: 'I cheated on my girlfriend once. We were playing trivial pursuit and I had a history question coming but she went out of the room so I crept over a looked at the answers. Oh yeah, and then I fingered her sister. No, only kidding.............I'm good at history, I know all those answers.'

[Real Madron 6]

Q: Whats orange and looks good on Chavs?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A: Fire.

[Banshees Scream 110]

A man was wandering in the woods pondering all the things of life, and his own personal problems. The man couldn't find the answers so he sought help from God.

 

"God, God, you there God?" he asked

"yes what is it my son" God answered

"I have a few questions, mind if I ask?" the man asked

"Go ahead my son, anything"

"God, what is a million years to you?"

God answered " a million years to me is only a second"

The man asked again " God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"

God replied " a million dollars to me is worth only a penny"

The man lifted his eyebrows and asked his final question... "God, can I have a penny?"

God answered "sure, in a second".

[Lady Grendel 139]

WITNESS "A Sellick tap."

 

I'm usually pretty good with Scots dialect jokes, but you've lost me.

 

'Sellick' is Glasgow slang for Celtic, and 'tap' is top so Sellick tap = Celtic top, hope that helps .

[maryportfuncity 10,639]

WITNESS "A Sellick tap."

 

I'm usually pretty good with Scots dialect jokes, but you've lost me.

 

'Sellick' is Glasgow slang for Celtic, and 'tap' is top so Sellick tap = Celtic top, hope that helps .

 

 

GOTCHA

 

Reminds me of one Glaswegian joke I did get from an early Billy Connolly album. A long winded story about a drunken scotsman in a phone box talking to a posh operator. The punchline comes when the operator asks:

 

'Is the money in the box?'

 

and he says:

 

'No, I'm in here by masell!'

[Guest Guest]

WITNESS "A Sellick tap."

 

I'm usually pretty good with Scots dialect jokes, but you've lost me.

 

'Sellick' is Glasgow slang for Celtic, and 'tap' is top so Sellick tap = Celtic top, hope that helps .

Nope, even with the explaination I don't get it..I was kind of guessing a celtic tap was the same as a glasgow kiss!

[Lady Grendel 139]

WITNESS "A Sellick tap."

 

I'm usually pretty good with Scots dialect jokes, but you've lost me.

 

'Sellick' is Glasgow slang for Celtic, and 'tap' is top so Sellick tap = Celtic top, hope that helps .

Nope, even with the explaination I don't get it..I was kind of guessing a celtic tap was the same as a glasgow kiss!

 

Not quite! A top is something you wear on the top half of your body like a T shirt, in Glasgow top is pronounced tap, so a Celtic tap is a Celtic Football Club jersey.