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Went in the chemist earlier on and said “what gets rid of Coronavirus?”

The girl said “ammonia cleaner”

I said “Sorry, I thought you worked here”

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dadjokes.jpg

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A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. 

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. 

He then stopped at the feed store and picked up a couple of  chickens and a goose.

 However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his purchases home. 

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. 

She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' 

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

 On the way he says, 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time".

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens'.

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I couldn't get any bread in the supermarket today so I went to the park and threw I.O.U's to the ducks.

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Paul from the Chuckle Brothers bumped into me in Asda earlier.

 

I said "Oi, two metre you!"

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If you kill yourself , it's called suicide .If you kill someone , it's called homicide .If you kill thousands , it's called genocide .If you kill the King , it's called regicide .If you kill your brother , it's called fratricide .And , if you have 2 Premier League teams , and neither have won the League for over 20 years , it's called Merseyside

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You think you have it bad? How about the poor SOB that’s quarantined with your ex.

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91536373_10158581357915757_4924337668818

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Louisiana is on lock down due to the virus!! Boudreaux and Thibodeaux have just been signed up by the army. They are given a rifle each and told...‘ Martial law has been declared! Anyone caught out after 6 pm it's SHOOT TO KILL!!!
On their first day, they are sitting on a rooftop when Boudreaux lets off 3 rounds and kills a man who is walking along the pavement!
Thibodeaux shouts JESUS BOUDREAUX WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IT'S ONLY 5:45! Boudreaux replies: I Know where he lives...... He’ll never make it home by 6!!!

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I have heard that this virus is causing people to mysteriously transform into other creatures.....

 

 

....or I am getting confused with OVID 19?

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send your shit to white house.jpg

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2078790194_wizardlockdown.jpg.194ef8a33972a67d5cd19c796861d12d.jpg

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An american tourist visits the highlands he walks into a pub but before he manages to sit down with his pint one of the locals says to him 

I am Mcgregor and I built this pub but do they call it the pub which Mcgregor built now look outside you see that fence but do they call it the fence which Mcgregor built an the path leading to it but do they call it the road which Mcgregor laid but when Mcgregor fucks a goat this one time  

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Priti Patel was asked what her favourite Sinéad O'Connor song is.

 

She couldn't remember the name of it but said it was the one that starts  "It's been seventy hundred three twenty thousand eleventeen hours and fifteen nine millionty days..."

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Serious question. If you were in a boat and Piers Morgan had fallen overboard and was splashing around and struggling and going under and he reached out his hand in desperation for you to pull him back out...and you could see the fear in his eyes and hear the panic in his screams....would you use a colour film....or would you go for the stark simplicity of black and white?

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Anyone wishing to show their appreciation for Amazon delivery drivers are asked to clap at their homes tomorrow anytime between 9am and 6pm

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The one about the wife who tells her husband after a bitter argument that when he dies she’s going to dance on his grave. The husband goes to his lawyer the next day and asks for a new clause in his will. He wants to be buried at sea.

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Nicked from a friend's social media but...

 

A depressed nymphomaniac is a glum, ball-machine! 

 

;)

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Several zoos state they will soon run out of money to feed their animals, particularly the large cats. We currently have thousands of corpses stacked up in morgues and giant fridges. Just sayin'!

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Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down! Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad. I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything. Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant. In the end the iron straightened me out as she said everything will be fine, no situation is too pressing. The vacuum was very unsympathetic... told me to just suck it up, but the fan was more optimistic and hoped it would all soon blow over! The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked its opinion and didn’t say anything but the door knob told me to get a grip. The front door said I was unhinged and so the curtains told me to ........yes, you guessed it ....pull myself together.

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A Geordie is drinking in a London bar when he gets a call on his mobile phone:
He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, he orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, because, he announces his wife has just produced a typical Geordie baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Geordie shrugs. "That's about average in the Northeast. Like I said, my boy is a typical Geordie baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "Jeezaz" were heard.
One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Geordie returns to the bar.
The bartender says. "You're the father of that typical Geordie baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks. We were going to call you. So, how much does he weigh?"
The proud father answers. "17 pounds"
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."
The Geordie father takes a long slow swig from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says..............
"Had him circumcised"

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