Room 101

[Madcow 6]

With apologies for sharing this with everyone, but I feel that I have found, possibly, the nastiest item of fanwear ever!

 

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Robert Pattinson Undies................................

 

 

http://failblog.org/2009/11/18/underwear-fail-3/

 

 

Sorry.

[Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,219]

Cold calling. I am utterly and totally fooked off with people calling me to try and sell me life insurance etc and automated messages asking me if I have "Heard the news" which I never do because I put the phone down.

I am now getting fuckers knocking on my door to try and sell me Gas/Electricity packages and the like!

Today, at about 11AM, Im driving down my road when I spy a couple of Dickwads ( they didnt look like the kind of people you would want to get stuck in a lift with ) wandering from door to door, wearing a shitty green Apron/Jerkin/Smock with WWF and a cute Panda ( try stroking a Panda then tell me if its cute) embazoned on it.

As I reversed onto my drive I saw them getting ever closer, taking the shopping in, they were only a door or three away.

Then.. "KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! ( They dont know how to use a door bell)

I open the door.

Me: "Im not buying and Im not selling."

Him: ( Looking flummoxed and indignant ) " Well Im not buying or selling either."

Me: " Good." "Goodbye"

I shut the door.

So what exactly did he want?

Did he want me to adopt Li Ki Minge The Panda? Coolio the Polar Bear? Make friends with a lesser spotted newt?

Sorry, I dont feel very charitable, they can all fuck off.

...and while im on the subject, isnt it about time we put a stop to these records being made for "Charideeee"

Can we not give generously so that we dont have to hear a clapped out Rod Stewart perform with Leona Lewis and the like?

The single will be shite and the people on it will be doing it for a good career move, not because they give a fuck.

Anybody who disagrees with that, may I just say that total prick Bono.....

[Toast 16,155]

I am now getting fuckers knocking on my door to try and sell me Gas/Electricity packages and the like!

The other day I was walking through a shopping precinct, just on my way from A to B, wrapped up in my own little world as I mentally ticked off the things I needed to do.

 

When I was accosted by a geezer trying to sell me Gas/Electricity packages or somesuch.

"No thanks," I said.

"OK," he said.

No problem.

 

but as I walked on, his colleague shouted after me:

"Never mind, it's only Monday. You've got the rest of the week to smile."

I continued for a few paces, then I thought, no, I'm not standing for that. so I stopped. Turned. Walked very slooooowly back with my gaze fixed on him.

 

In a low and menacing tone, I said

"What did you say?"

Backtracking furiously, he stammered something incoherent " I was just ... er, I only, er ...."

"You don't know me, do you?" I continued.

"Er ... no."

"You know nothing of me or my circumstances, or those of any members of my family, do you?"

"Er, no." (swallowed nervously) "I apologise."

With a pointed look at the company name on their display, I said, "Just think before opening your gob then."

 

Actually (thankfully) there was nothing majorly wrong in my life, but arseholes like him aren't to know, are they.

[Madcow 6]

I am now getting fuckers knocking on my door to try and sell me Gas/Electricity packages and the like!

The other day I was walking through a shopping precinct, just on my way from A to B, wrapped up in my own little world as I mentally ticked off the things I needed to do.

 

When I was accosted by a geezer trying to sell me Gas/Electricity packages or somesuch.

"No thanks," I said.

"OK," he said.

No problem.

 

but as I walked on, his colleague shouted after me:

"Never mind, it's only Monday. You've got the rest of the week to smile."

I continued for a few paces, then I thought, no, I'm not standing for that. so I stopped. Turned. Walked very slooooowly back with my gaze fixed on him.

 

In a low and menacing tone, I said

"What did you say?"

Backtracking furiously, he stammered something incoherent " I was just ... er, I only, er ...."

"You don't know me, do you?" I continued.

"Er ... no."

"You know nothing of me or my circumstances, or those of any members of my family, do you?"

"Er, no." (swallowed nervously) "I apologise."

With a pointed look at the company name on their display, I said, "Just think before opening your gob then."

 

Actually (thankfully) there was nothing majorly wrong in my life, but arseholes like him aren't to know, are they.

I have found that the best way to be ignored by 'chuggers' is to push someone in a wheelchair. As we all know, people in wheelchairs carry all sorts of nasty contagions which can be transmitted by speaking to them. Nobody will come near. Also, I once got so fed up with market researchers, etc, accosting me in Worcester High St that I told them to F'off as they made a bee line for me. I got three cheers and a round of applause from my fellow shoppers.

[Lard Bazaar 3,800]

Myself. For being the thickest twat I know.

 

I recently succumbed to pressure from society and decided I should get less fat. My children convinced me that it would be a good idea to buy a Wii Fit, because I'd rather look like a fat sweaty bitch in the comfort of my own living room than in a gym full of skinny beanpoles. So the Wii arrived yesterday, and I set it up. You have to input your height, age etc, and in return, it calculates your Wii Fit age, against your actual real age, just to make you feel a bit worse. The board kept playing up, not sensing my movements etc, but eventually it calculated my Wii Fit age as 49. I was truly distraught, seeing as I actually am the spring-chicken like age of 36. But I accepted it as I know I am completely lardish and very unfit.

 

Anyway, today, I'm doing a little workout on the board, and it kept telling me how rubbish I was at this step up/step down type exercise, which pissed me off as I thought I was doing all right. Youngest Lard came down and was watching me, all the while taking the right piss out of me encouraging me to keep going, but all of a sudden she said 'Mum, you've got the board the wrong way round'. And indeed, I had. The fucking thing was facing the wrong way hence not sensing my movements properly. What a thick twat I am.

 

Needless to say, I have now recalculated my age, and it came back spot on as 36, and told me 'you're in great shape'. Which is a pile of shit, as I'm 5 stone overweight and have a crippy leg.

 

Donut, anyone?

 

Edit - fuck, this should have gone in Room 101, sorry, see I AM thick. Can someone move it please? Ta.

 

Edit - posts moved [HCW]

Edited January 24, 2010 by heaven can wait
per request

[Geronimo 3]

Myself. For being the thickest twat I know.

 

I recently succumbed to pressure from society and decided I should get less fat. My children convinced me that it would be a good idea to buy a Wii Fit, because I'd rather look like a fat sweaty bitch in the comfort of my own living room than in a gym full of skinny beanpoles. So the Wii arrived yesterday, and I set it up. You have to input your height, age etc, and in return, it calculates your Wii Fit age, against your actual real age, just to make you feel a bit worse. The board kept playing up, not sensing my movements etc, but eventually it calculated my Wii Fit age as 49. I was truly distraught, seeing as I actually am the spring-chicken like age of 36. But I accepted it as I know I am completely lardish and very unfit.

 

Anyway, today, I'm doing a little workout on the board, and it kept telling me how rubbish I was at this step up/step down type exercise, which pissed me off as I thought I was doing all right. Youngest Lard came down and was watching me, all the while taking the right piss out of me encouraging me to keep going, but all of a sudden she said 'Mum, you've got the board the wrong way round'. And indeed, I had. The fucking thing was facing the wrong way hence not sensing my movements properly. What a thick twat I am.

 

Needless to say, I have now recalculated my age, and it came back spot on as 36, and told me 'you're in great shape'. Which is a pile of shit, as I'm 5 stone overweight and have a crippy leg.

 

Donut, anyone?

 

Edit - fuck, this should have gone in Room 101, sorry, see I AM thick. Can someone move it please? Ta.

There was a recent Which magazine article that said Wii Fit exercises were less effective at shedding weight than spending the equivalent time doing housework. You should have saved your money.

[Lard Bazaar 3,800]

Myself. For being the thickest twat I know.

 

I recently succumbed to pressure from society and decided I should get less fat. My children convinced me that it would be a good idea to buy a Wii Fit, because I'd rather look like a fat sweaty bitch in the comfort of my own living room than in a gym full of skinny beanpoles. So the Wii arrived yesterday, and I set it up. You have to input your height, age etc, and in return, it calculates your Wii Fit age, against your actual real age, just to make you feel a bit worse. The board kept playing up, not sensing my movements etc, but eventually it calculated my Wii Fit age as 49. I was truly distraught, seeing as I actually am the spring-chicken like age of 36. But I accepted it as I know I am completely lardish and very unfit.

 

Anyway, today, I'm doing a little workout on the board, and it kept telling me how rubbish I was at this step up/step down type exercise, which pissed me off as I thought I was doing all right. Youngest Lard came down and was watching me, all the while taking the right piss out of me encouraging me to keep going, but all of a sudden she said 'Mum, you've got the board the wrong way round'. And indeed, I had. The fucking thing was facing the wrong way hence not sensing my movements properly. What a thick twat I am.

 

Needless to say, I have now recalculated my age, and it came back spot on as 36, and told me 'you're in great shape'. Which is a pile of shit, as I'm 5 stone overweight and have a crippy leg.

 

Donut, anyone?

 

Edit - fuck, this should have gone in Room 101, sorry, see I AM thick. Can someone move it please? Ta.

There was a recent Which magazine article that said Wii Fit exercises were less effective at shedding weight than spending the equivalent time doing housework. You should have saved your money.

 

Housework? What is this 'housework' you speak of? Never done it, too old to start now

[Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,219]

Those Wii thingys are terribly dangerous. My son bought his over on Christmas day, we played all the usual games.

Im standing there playing against him at Tennis, getting well into it, when Ive gone for a nice backhand which has ended up sweeping a fucking great big glass of Red Wine off the coffee table and up the wall, a la Jackson Bollock.

Every one pissed themselves laughing, I felt a twat and ive had to repaint the wall.

We are still finding bits of glass from the obliterated glass.........

[Lard Bazaar 3,800]

Those Wii thingys are terribly dangerous. My son bought his over on Christmas day, we played all the usual games.

Im standing there playing against him at Tennis, getting well into it, when Ive gone for a nice backhand which has ended up sweeping a fucking great big glass of Red Wine off the coffee table and up the wall, a la Jackson Bollock.

Every one pissed themselves laughing, I felt a twat and ive had to repaint the wall.

We are still finding bits of glass from the obliterated glass.........

 

Why do you think I REALLY got one? It's not for the fitness, it's so I can 'accidently' smack the kids in the mouth three times a week.

[CarolAnn 926]

Myself. For being the thickest twat I know.

 

I recently succumbed to pressure from society and decided I should get less fat. My children convinced me that it would be a good idea to buy a Wii Fit, because I'd rather look like a fat sweaty bitch in the comfort of my own living room than in a gym full of skinny beanpoles. So the Wii arrived yesterday, and I set it up. You have to input your height, age etc, and in return, it calculates your Wii Fit age, against your actual real age, just to make you feel a bit worse. The board kept playing up, not sensing my movements etc, but eventually it calculated my Wii Fit age as 49. I was truly distraught, seeing as I actually am the spring-chicken like age of 36. But I accepted it as I know I am completely lardish and very unfit.

 

Anyway, today, I'm doing a little workout on the board, and it kept telling me how rubbish I was at this step up/step down type exercise, which pissed me off as I thought I was doing all right. Youngest Lard came down and was watching me, all the while taking the right piss out of me encouraging me to keep going, but all of a sudden she said 'Mum, you've got the board the wrong way round'. And indeed, I had. The fucking thing was facing the wrong way hence not sensing my movements properly. What a thick twat I am.

 

Needless to say, I have now recalculated my age, and it came back spot on as 36, and told me 'you're in great shape'. Which is a pile of shit, as I'm 5 stone overweight and have a crippy leg.

 

Donut, anyone?

 

Edit - fuck, this should have gone in Room 101, sorry, see I AM thick. Can someone move it please? Ta.

There was a recent Which magazine article that said Wii Fit exercises were less effective at shedding weight than spending the equivalent time doing housework. You should have saved your money.

 

Housework? What is this 'housework' you speak of? Never done it, too old to start now

 

The original Wii Fit isn't great, but the same studies said it was better than sitting on your ass. Wii Fit Plus is a relatively inexpensive upgrade and is supposed to be much better.

[Lard Bazaar 3,800]

Myself. For being the thickest twat I know.

 

I recently succumbed to pressure from society and decided I should get less fat. My children convinced me that it would be a good idea to buy a Wii Fit, because I'd rather look like a fat sweaty bitch in the comfort of my own living room than in a gym full of skinny beanpoles. So the Wii arrived yesterday, and I set it up. You have to input your height, age etc, and in return, it calculates your Wii Fit age, against your actual real age, just to make you feel a bit worse. The board kept playing up, not sensing my movements etc, but eventually it calculated my Wii Fit age as 49. I was truly distraught, seeing as I actually am the spring-chicken like age of 36. But I accepted it as I know I am completely lardish and very unfit.

 

Anyway, today, I'm doing a little workout on the board, and it kept telling me how rubbish I was at this step up/step down type exercise, which pissed me off as I thought I was doing all right. Youngest Lard came down and was watching me, all the while taking the right piss out of me encouraging me to keep going, but all of a sudden she said 'Mum, you've got the board the wrong way round'. And indeed, I had. The fucking thing was facing the wrong way hence not sensing my movements properly. What a thick twat I am.

 

Needless to say, I have now recalculated my age, and it came back spot on as 36, and told me 'you're in great shape'. Which is a pile of shit, as I'm 5 stone overweight and have a crippy leg.

 

Donut, anyone?

 

Edit - fuck, this should have gone in Room 101, sorry, see I AM thick. Can someone move it please? Ta.

There was a recent Which magazine article that said Wii Fit exercises were less effective at shedding weight than spending the equivalent time doing housework. You should have saved your money.

 

Housework? What is this 'housework' you speak of? Never done it, too old to start now

 

The original Wii Fit isn't great, but the same studies said it was better than sitting on your ass. Wii Fit Plus is a relatively inexpensive upgrade and is supposed to be much better.

 

Wii Fit Plus is the one we have. It may or may not be any good, however one positive is that the kids have actually been moving their sorry asses, instead of sat on MSN exercising their typing fingers only. Neither of them have a weight problem, but they could certainly do with being more active than they are. Bloody technology, there were hardly any fat kids when we were young and had to play with hoops and sticks.

[Rotten Ali 600]

but eventually it calculated my Wii Fit age as 49.

 

 

Room 101 - I'll add into it having a bad back. 10 days of pain, but I've recovered a bit of late.

 

Got on the Wii fit board yesterday and it said my WiiFit age was 59.

That's a fair way off my 43 years and the one time it's told me I was 34.

[To die for 3]

One of the deck-hands on Thames Clippers. This particular "Little Blonde Nazi" decided to have a go at me, my friend and my partner when we got the ~23:15 boat from Embankment to Canary Wharf. Granted, we were quite drunk, and my friend was drinking wine from a glass she had brought with her from the restaurant we had eaten at but still aggressive, confrontational behaviour to my mind is not acceptable.

Anyway, we got on board and were ordered to one side of the boat, the deck hand then proceeded to tell us how he or one of his chums could be glassed in the face by the wine glass and how we wouldn't find it funny when he "took us down", all slightly confusing! So I duly went to the bar and got my friend a plastic glass and my partner and I a bottle of Becks each (glass bottles I hasten to add) poured the wine into the new glass. Becks bottles were apparently acceptable because "he knew how to defend himself against one of those". Then I went to take to wine glass back to the bar, was there something that said "spoiling for a fight"? I didn't think so. Anyway the deck hand then took the glass away from me and lobbed it over board!! Aren't these peolpe told that littering the Thames is a offence, and went away.

 

I wished I had asked for the twats name but seriously thought that would be the excuse he ws looking for to start something. Does anyone think he may have had a bad day?

[honez 79]

One of the deck-hands on Thames Clippers. This particular "Little Blonde Nazi" decided to have a go at me, my friend and my partner when we got the ~23:15 boat from Embankment to Canary Wharf. Granted, we were quite drunk, and my friend was drinking wine from a glass she had brought with her from the restaurant we had eaten at but still aggressive, confrontational behaviour to my mind is not acceptable.

Anyway, we got on board and were ordered to one side of the boat, the deck hand then proceeded to tell us how he or one of his chums could be glassed in the face by the wine glass and how we wouldn't find it funny when he "took us down", all slightly confusing! So I duly went to the bar and got my friend a plastic glass and my partner and I a bottle of Becks each (glass bottles I hasten to add) poured the wine into the new glass. Becks bottles were apparently acceptable because "he knew how to defend himself against one of those". Then I went to take to wine glass back to the bar, was there something that said "spoiling for a fight"? I didn't think so. Anyway the deck hand then took the glass away from me and lobbed it over board!! Aren't these peolpe told that littering the Thames is a offence, and went away.

 

I wished I had asked for the twats name but seriously thought that would be the excuse he ws looking for to start something. Does anyone think he may have had a bad day?

It was probably his first day back at work since the last time he was glassed in the face by a drunken trio. Aren't these drunks told that stealing wine glasses is an offense?

[Guest TDF]

One of the deck-hands on Thames Clippers. This particular "Little Blonde Nazi" decided to have a go at me, my friend and my partner when we got the ~23:15 boat from Embankment to Canary Wharf. Granted, we were quite drunk, and my friend was drinking wine from a glass she had brought with her from the restaurant we had eaten at but still aggressive, confrontational behaviour to my mind is not acceptable.

Anyway, we got on board and were ordered to one side of the boat, the deck hand then proceeded to tell us how he or one of his chums could be glassed in the face by the wine glass and how we wouldn't find it funny when he "took us down", all slightly confusing! So I duly went to the bar and got my friend a plastic glass and my partner and I a bottle of Becks each (glass bottles I hasten to add) poured the wine into the new glass. Becks bottles were apparently acceptable because "he knew how to defend himself against one of those". Then I went to take to wine glass back to the bar, was there something that said "spoiling for a fight"? I didn't think so. Anyway the deck hand then took the glass away from me and lobbed it over board!! Aren't these peolpe told that littering the Thames is a offence, and went away.

 

I wished I had asked for the twats name but seriously thought that would be the excuse he ws looking for to start something. Does anyone think he may have had a bad day?

It was probably his first day back at work since the last time he was glassed in the face by a drunken trio. Aren't these drunks told that stealing wine glasses is an offense?

Of course we didn't tell him it was nicked!

[Handrejka 1,904]

Pro-ana websites and the general glamouristaion of eating disorders. I could write a lot on this but I'm tired and annoyed and need to get to bed.

[Tempus Fugit 214]

.

[Windsor 2,233]

The indications are that I'm probably about to lose my job.

It was my 7th anniversary of working there last weekend.

 

Nothing has been said officially yet - so who knows.

 

Just thought I'd let you know because if I do lose my job, you may as well lock this thread.

[Lard Bazaar 3,800]

The indications are that I'm probably about to lose my job.

It was my 7th anniversary of working there last weekend.

 

Nothing has been said officially yet - so who knows.

 

Just thought I'd let you know because if I do lose my job, you may as well lock this thread.

 

 

Sorry to hear that old boy, but with your dashing good looks and sparkling repartee, you will easily find another job to subsidise LFN's taxes.

 

My current role has also become much more bother than it's worth, so I've just applied for something else. Fingers crossed for both of us, eh?

[Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,219]

The indications are that I'm probably about to lose my job.

It was my 7th anniversary of working there last weekend.

 

Nothing has been said officially yet - so who knows.

 

Just thought I'd let you know because if I do lose my job, you may as well lock this thread.

Winny, it has been of great concern to me that you have been posting ever more infrequently on this thread.

Now buck your ideas up man!!

PS: I hope things work out for you.

Best of luck.

[Windsor 2,233]

Yes - my posting has taken a hit of late, not that I don't have much to moan about.

 

I was thrown out of the BB band (of which I was an officer) after 12 years of service because I fell out with the bandmaster's family (yes, I've been sacked from a voluntary post).

I spend most of my days doing tedious readings for university.

I'm still single.

I've started playing that bloody farmville and got addicted.

And I'm on the verge of being sacked from my work (I went in today but the managers were all away in Ellon deciding our fate).

 

Looking forward to 2011 already.

[Dave to the Grave 11]

Yes - my posting has taken a hit of late, not that I don't have much to moan about.

 

I was thrown out of the BB band (of which I was an officer) after 12 years of service because I fell out with the bandmaster's family (yes, I've been sacked from a voluntary post).

I spend most of my days doing tedious readings for university.

I'm still single.

I've started playing that bloody farmville and got addicted.

And I'm on the verge of being sacked from my work (I went in today but the managers were all away in Ellon deciding our fate).

 

Looking forward to 2011 already.

It's worse than you think Windsor. This could well be as good as it gets. In fact it sounds pretty good to me.

[Windsor 2,233]

Yes - my posting has taken a hit of late, not that I don't have much to moan about.

 

I was thrown out of the BB band (of which I was an officer) after 12 years of service because I fell out with the bandmaster's family (yes, I've been sacked from a voluntary post).

I spend most of my days doing tedious readings for university.

I'm still single.

I've started playing that bloody farmville and got addicted.

And I'm on the verge of being sacked from my work (I went in today but the managers were all away in Ellon deciding our fate).

 

Looking forward to 2011 already.

It's worse than you think Windsor. This could well be as good as it gets. In fact it sounds pretty good to me.

 

Always look on the bright side of life...and all that...

[Dave to the Grave 11]

Yes - my posting has taken a hit of late, not that I don't have much to moan about.

 

I was thrown out of the BB band (of which I was an officer) after 12 years of service because I fell out with the bandmaster's family (yes, I've been sacked from a voluntary post).

I spend most of my days doing tedious readings for university.

I'm still single.

I've started playing that bloody farmville and got addicted.

And I'm on the verge of being sacked from my work (I went in today but the managers were all away in Ellon deciding our fate).

 

Looking forward to 2011 already.

It's worse than you think Windsor. This could well be as good as it gets. In fact it sounds pretty good to me.

 

Always look on the bright side of life...and all that...

I'd never presume to suggest you do such a thing.

In my experience people who always try to look on the bright side of life are awful company. I was just pointing out that looking back or forward can detract from the present. The French philosopher

uses food as an analogy to make this point far better than I can. (Or is that a metaphor?)

[time 8,624]

Censorship.

 

A mother wants certain books removed from a school library because they're 'inappropriate' for middle-school aged pupils.

 

Thats right, don't let them grow up, keep them wrapped in cottton-wool forever and when they graduate they'll be absolutly useless.