Cricket Thread. Only Mad Dogs And Englishmen

[Olveres 8]

Amazing - they pick Panesar, he takes 5 wickets, Oz all out for 244. Sometimes sports coaches are waaaaay too clever for their own good.

 

I say from now on they let the public pick the team, X Factor style. I'd have Ray and Leona opening the batting.

 

Only if they make Ray bat without a helmet and he takes one full on in the chops from Lee....

 

What number would you put Ben or should that be Zed of Police Academy fame, because he sure sounded like Zed when he sang!!!

[honez 79]

Amazing - they pick Panesar, he takes 5 wickets, Oz all out for 244.

It should make for an interesting day on a bowler's wicket...

[grobler 35]

Amazing - they pick Panesar, he takes 5 wickets, Oz all out for 244.

It should make for an interesting day on a bowler's wicket...

 

Lets see.....its a spinners wicket......Aussies have Warne.....does anyone SERIOUSLY think we will score 200 ?......and batting last , we will get an awful lot less in the second innings

[themaninblack 2,112]

This should be the headline (at least for a broadsheet)..

 

Australia walk naked into the Pavillion as England show the full Monty!

 

[Godot 148]

If this thread were a TV set I'd throw my boot through the screen. Any chance that it might be locked before the morning?

[The Pooka 24]

If this thread were a TV set I'd throw my boot through the screen. Any chance that it might be locked before the morning?

Tut tut Godot. I had always respected you as a man of discernment. Cricket is the only sport I know of that you can attend for the day without having to watch every moment, where you can enjoy a leisurely lunch and get as pissed as a .... as a .... well as pissed as a cricket.

 

I regularly take my Irish friends. They understand nothing of the game but have the time of their lives. Not that they remember it.

[millwall32 106]

Nice image though. Flintoff and Pietersen walkling out on the final day of the test, England needing to bat all day to avoid losing the Ashes. I only hope they don't go all stupid and try to win.

[millwall32 106]

I am writing an article on our ashes defence and one (of many) depressing statistics is that England have had seven ducks over the first three test matches.

[Godot 148]

If this thread were a TV set I'd throw my boot through the screen. Any chance that it might be locked before the morning?

Tut tut Godot. I had always respected you as a man of discernment. Cricket is the only sport I know of that you can attend for the day without having to watch every moment, where you can enjoy a leisurely lunch and get as pissed as a .... as a .... well as pissed as a cricket.

 

I regularly take my Irish friends. They understand nothing of the game but have the time of their lives. Not that they remember it.

You're quite right Pook. It's the agony of watching England comprehensively outplayed by the Ozzies I can't stand plus all the accompanying gloating. Now if Flintoff and Pietersen were to pull off the impossible, that would be different. But they won't. We're sunk. Goodbye Ashes.

[Rebecca de Winter 7]

WOOOOOOOHOOOOOOO!!!!!!

 

What a day!!!!!!

In case anyone missed the wash-up, it went like this -

AUSTRALIA 3

ENGLAND NIL

 

THE ASHES HAVE BEEN RETURNED.

 

YOU BLOODY RIPPER!!!!!!!!!!

[Cowboy Ronnie 77]

What I don't get is why England hangs on to the little urn which supposedly once contained the bail ash that makes up the Ashes, even when they lose the series. What, do they think the Aussies will lose it, or spill a few tins of 4X all over it?

 

The gracious, sporting thing to do is say, "Well done, you kicked our arses. Again. So here you go, hang on to these, and we'll try to get them back off you next time".

 

And then next the Elgin Marbles would go back to Greece.

[honez 79]

So I think its about time to just let the Aussies keep the silly little pot.

You surely are a man of wisdom and vision, RA.

I wonder if HRH Mrs Windsor will bestow an Order of Australia on Mr Ponting in the New Year's honours list.

[Godot 148]

What I don't get is why England hangs on to the little urn which supposedly once contained the bail ash that makes up the Ashes, even when they lose the series. What, do they think the Aussies will lose it, or spill a few tins of 4X all over it?

 

That's about the size of it. They're probably most worried that the Ozzies would burn the urn and then we'd be left to play over......the ashes.

[The Pooka 24]

WOOOOOOOHOOOOOOO!!!!!!

 

What a day!!!!!!

In case anyone missed the wash-up, it went like this -

AUSTRALIA 3

ENGLAND NIL

 

THE ASHES HAVE BEEN RETURNED.

 

YOU BLOODY RIPPER!!!!!!!!!!

Rebecca, The Australians are quite good losers. It is when they win that they are not a pleasant prospect.

 

Yours in quiet dignity, P

[Gunjaman5000 30]

Rebecca, The Australians are quite good losers. It is when they win that they are not a pleasant prospect.

 

Yours in quiet dignity, P

Quiet

Dignified

I see your point.

[Rebecca de Winter 7]

WOOOOOOOHOOOOOOO!!!!!!

 

What a day!!!!!!

In case anyone missed the wash-up, it went like this -

AUSTRALIA 3

ENGLAND NIL

 

THE ASHES HAVE BEEN RETURNED.

 

YOU BLOODY RIPPER!!!!!!!!!!

Rebecca, The Australians are quite good losers. It is when they win that they are not a pleasant prospect.

 

Yours in quiet dignity, P

 

Not sour grapes from you too, Professor??

The only thing I can do is cheer as I know next to nothing about the game, despite playing it for a year in high school, so it would do no good for me to blether on and on about Warne bowling Flintoff or Ponting running out Jones or Mahmood out LBW or Warne bowling Harrison or Hussey failing to catch Flintoff out, or that Michael Hussey's average is 138 while the best any English player can manage is 41, cos I just don't know what the hell I am talking about....

So I'm guessing you won't be here for the Boxing Day test??

Do we still have a date with a bottle of Shiraz in 2007??

Let me know so I can make the appropriate reservations in advance...

[Rebecca de Winter 7]

What I don't get is why England hangs on to the little urn which supposedly once contained the bail ash that makes up the Ashes, even when they lose the series. What, do they think the Aussies will lose it, or spill a few tins of 4X all over it?

 

The gracious, sporting thing to do is say, "Well done, you kicked our arses. Again. So here you go, hang on to these, and we'll try to get them back off you next time".

 

And then next the Elgin Marbles would go back to Greece.

 

And then hell would freeze over....

 

Do you people still have the Sphinx's nose??

[The Pooka 24]

Any advice on how 11 English chaps can get their hands on a few bits of charred wood down under? Apparently all they need do is hit some sticks with a ball, then do some running before some bad guys wearing green caps (Australians who are cheating by refusing to be on the same side) try to hit their sticks. Unfortunately the English (all excellent chaps, naturally) are running out of sticks while, unsportingly, the bad guys won't let them hit their own sticks and keep knocking the ball away. What should the English chaps do?

I think I can help here too.

On their return to dear old blighty, the excellent chaps in the English team should pay their local street market a visit. If they chance upon a bakery stall, then they should take every effort to steal a loaf bread and ensure they are captured by the local constabulary. Upon sentencing, they should plead for mercy from the Judge who instead of taking the birch to them or hanging them by their necks until dead, out of the sweet goodness of his soul, may decide to transport them to the Antipodes.

Once safely arrived in the colonies, these excellent chaps should take up with a local wench or two for the purpose of whelping. After a sufficient number of generations, training and a large amount of BBQed steak, the progeny of said chaps, approximately two hundred years hence may very well be in with a chance of knocking some sticks over.

The only problem with this ingenious plan is that the sticks they'd be knocking over would be English sticks. Again.

 

Damn this improvement culture. There is a quicker way ............ bring the opposition DOWN to the English level. The way ahead:

 

1. End the Australian climatic advantage. Aussies can play for 8 months a year and so have more time to hone(z) their skills. Fortunately, this strategy is well advanced. Our ancestors, foreseeing the prospect of cricketing humiliation, launched the Industrial Revolution initiating global warming, so bringing us to the stage where Australian youths are unwilling to go outside without three kilograms of zinc and castor oil on their faces. This coating will, in time, affect vision and grip. In addition, the Australian landscape is beginning to resemble the more inhospitable parts of the Gobi desert. Accompanied by the more or less permanent forest fires it will not be long before all Aussies are confined to asbestos bunkers from which they occasionally venture, blinking and spluttering to see what is left of their earthly paradise.

 

2. Sell off the playing fields. What green patches are left as a result of 1). are likely to be well watered school sports fields. The coming Australian apocalyptic zeitgeist guarantees a hard-driven leader who will, in the style of Thatcher, turn round the economy by selling off sports grounds belonging to schools and councils so that they can be developed into sites for light industry (eg Zinc and Castor oil factories) and social housing (eg everywhere in the UK North of Salisbury).

 

3. Reap the Whirlwind. What little greenery remains will be overrun by plagues of rabbits, locusts and frogs. Even an English bowler should be able to conjure up Warne-like movement from a pitch covered in toads.

 

4. Sabotage the youth. Initiate a ruthless marketing campaign focusing on burgers, biscuits, cakes, pies and confectioneries. As in England, these will be derived from by-products of the petroleum industry. Within 10 years Australian children will be as feckless, inattentive, bloated and inert as their English counterparts. For them Warne's only legacy will involve an unhealthy interest in call-girls and woven hairpieces.

 

I have other thoughts but am aware that I haven't mentioned death once and this irritates my betters. However, the policy described so far should produce results within 10-15 years. By which time England's finest will ride over the Baggy Greens like a juggernaut.

 

Remember that you saw it here first!

[Gunjaman5000 30]

Relive the illustrious exploits of the excellent eleven's antipodean adventures.

 

 

This series had it all – seemingly impossible comebacks, record wickets for Shane Warne, the second fastest Test century in history by Adam Gilchrist and final Tests for 3 Greats of the Game - and now the Ashes are back where they belong.

 

That's just under 16 quid. What a bargin!!!

[themaninblack 2,112]

Relive the illustrious exploits of the excellent eleven's antipodean adventures.

 

 

This series had it all – seemingly impossible comebacks, record wickets for Shane Warne, the second fastest Test century in history by Adam Gilchrist and final Tests for 3 Greats of the Game - and now the Ashes are back where they belong.

 

That's just under 16 quid. What a bargin!!!

 

'This series had it all'. It didn't have the England team!

[Godot 148]

I prefer to read this.

[Godot 148]

At the same time, I guess some of us will be reading this too:

 

 

 

The English cricket board are making a help-line available for

disillusioned fans who are disappointed with their team's 'shock'

crushing by Australia in the 2006/2007 Ashes Tour.

 

The help-line number is 1800 10 10 10

That's 1800 won nothing won nothing won nothing!

 

--------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Question: What is your wife trying to tell you if she's wearing a

English cricket shirt to bed?

 

Answer: You ain't gonna score!

 

---------------------------------------------------------------

 

Osama Bin Laden has appeared on Iraqi TV this morning to quell rumours

of his death in an explosion in Baghdad yesterday.

 

To prove that the appearance was not pre-recorded Osama stated that he

"watched the Ashes at the weekend and England were crap!"

 

UK and US government officials have dismissed the report saying it could

have happened any time in the past decade.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------

 

Question: What is the difference between England and an arsonist?

 

Answer: An arsonist wouldn't waste that many matches...

[The Pooka 24]

Relive the illustrious exploits of the excellent eleven's antipodean adventures.

 

 

This series had it all – seemingly impossible comebacks, record wickets for Shane Warne, the second fastest Test century in history by Adam Gilchrist and final Tests for 3 Greats of the Game - and now the Ashes are back where they belong.

 

That's just under 16 quid. What a bargin!!!

Always good to see the Aussies occupied with crowing. Stops them whingeing about Bodyline (76 years later).

[Rebecca de Winter 7]

So you have managed to provoke me into replying which was no doubt your intention, so I'll bite.

 

Are you sure that cricket is in fact an English game? Doesn't look much like it from where I'm standing.

 

Isn't it hilarious that every time the (whinging) English are losing at cricket, someone always has to mention "Bodyline" - that must have been the only English victory that anyone can remember!

 

Allow us out moment in the sun, professor, and try to use the sour grapes to make wine, or maybe you could simply eat them, but be careful, wouldn't want you to choke....ha!

[Olveres 8]

So you have managed to provoke me into replying which was no doubt your intention, so I'll bite.

 

Are you sure that cricket is in fact an English game? Doesn't look much like it from where I'm standing.

 

Isn't it hilarious that every time the (whinging) English are losing at cricket, someone always has to mention "Bodyline" - that must have been the only English victory that anyone can remember!

 

Allow us out moment in the sun, professor, and try to use the sour grapes to make wine, or maybe you could simply eat them, but be careful, wouldn't want you to choke....ha!

 

Normally we resort to Botham at Headingley, cricket isn't what it used to be. The English cricket team is like a whore with no genitalia, they just suck.