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Publish your scientific research on Copper Nanotubes "Stop sN-wording" "Why is that funny?...... Why?..........This is serious scientific research...............Please stop laughing now!"

Due to my boundless maturity, whenever anyone talks about someone 'passing' or having 'passed', I like to silently add the word 'wind' afterwards. Only with great effort could I keep a straight face when a work-mate told me his grandmother had 'passed'. I'm sad for him but really wish he'd had the nads to say 'died'. A euphemism for a euphemism? Good Lord.

I'll fart on your fucking face. That's using gas as a weapon.

Oh fuck off shit head! You have no proof yet. Arrrrggghhhhhhh! I fed the troll, I fed the troll, I fed the troll, I fed the troll, I fed the troll,I fed the troll, I fed the troll, I fed the troll, I fed the troll, I fed the troll.

The police are already saying it's not terror wrists. It's probably just some gormless prick who left a gas tap on or something.

In fairness, it's not the DeathList per se - by now most of the DDP hopefuls would have had three or four deaths on the board. All of the 2014 big players - Johnson, Simon, Harper, Graham, Jaruzelski - seem to be checking Trivago for their summer holiday accommodation already.

Not quite (from above) TMZ seemed to be editing their report as they did their checking!

Is this the only place left where people still die? I am getting increasingly irritated hearing that somebody-or-other has "passed". Not passed away, or passed on, time-honoured euphemisms both, but just "passed", like it's a driving test or summat. Seems like people these days are afraid to say the word die (there I said it)

A boy attends confession at his local church "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"... "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" "I cannot say." "Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Nina Capelli?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her." "Was it Cathy Piriano?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?" "Please, Father! I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself." Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Four months vacation and five good leads..."