A Joke

[deathofapotato 0]

Just thought I'd share this sent to me in an email:

The Andersen model

You have two cows. You shred them.

 

I don't understand this bit.

Can someone explain it please?

See this report for a brief run down.

 

thank you

[Windsor 2,233]

I was told a funny story last night. Not a joke, but I'm posting it here anyway. It's a true story - it happened to the lady-who told-me's, friend's relation who lives down south.

 

Her friend's relation was planning a holiday over the summer to Disney Land Paris. They were all looking forward to it especially their kids. Sadly, the granda died 3 weeks before they were due to go away. Obviously this put a dampner on things so the holiday was put off. The kids weren't too happy at this because they had been looking forward to it, so the parents decided that they would go on holiday further south by caravan. They didn't want to leave grandma out so they took her on holiday as well.

When they got to their destination, the kids were still moaning that they wanted to go to Disneyland. They were close to the Channel Tunnel so they decided that they would drive across. Only problem was that Grandma didn't have a passport. They then decided that they would attemp to smuggle her over the boarder by hiding her in the caravan. They told her to hide in the toilet and they would let her out as soon as they could in France. Anyway, the successfully managed to get Granny to France and they pulled over at the first oppertunity to let Granny out. The only problem was that Granny had died in the toilet.

They don't know if it was natural causes, or if she had been poisoned by fumes. Obviously, mum and dad are no in a state of shock and they have no idea what to do. They decide to come clean and go to the police. So they detach the caravan from the car leaving it at the side of the road whilst they go to police station.

When they came back, the caravan was gone. Somebody had stolen it with dead grandma inside.

 

I'm still waiting to hear if either grandma or the caravan have been found...

 

Edit: sh*t - I though this was the Jokes thread. Any kind mods about?

 

Sorted [HCW]

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

In the spirit of the above....a suggestion raised at work today:

 

Y'know all them bits that fall out of the cereal packets. They're not quite full flakes and that, well there's loads of them in the factories where they make cereals. Tons of the stuff that falls out of the ovens and gets burned. What if you swept all of it up, mixed it and sold it as the cheapest breakest cereal out? It'd do well at the moment with people cutting costs and you could call it................Credit Crunch!

[Godot 149]

I was told a funny story last night. Not a joke, but I'm posting it here anyway. It's a true story??? - it happened to the lady-who told-me's, friend's relation who lives down south.

 

Her friend's relation etc.

 

One for this list I suspect.

[Anubis the Jackal 77]

Or this list...?

I was told a funny story last night. Not a joke, but I'm posting it here anyway. It's a true story??? - it happened to the lady-who told-me's, friend's relation who lives down south.

 

Her friend's relation etc.

 

One for this list I suspect.

[Boudicca 702]

Y'know all them bits that fall out of the cereal packets. They're not quite full flakes and that, well there's loads of them in the factories where they make cereals. Tons of the stuff that falls out of the ovens and gets burned. What if you swept all of it up, mixed it and sold it as the cheapest breakest cereal out? It'd do well at the moment with people cutting costs and you could call it................Credit Crunch!

 

No no, Credit Crunch Cereal is made from the dried tears of a thousand sacked investment bankers. Hurrah!

 

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=DgSASp4Pxr4

[Twelvetrees 10]

A vicar books into an hotel and says to the receptionist "I trust that the pornography channel on my television is disabled". "Not at all, sir." she replies "It's just regular porn, you sick bastard."

[honez 79]

A vicar books into an hotel and says to the receptionist "I trust that the pornography channel on my television is disabled". "Not at all, sir." she replies "It's just regular porn, you sick bastard."

Must be a very popular hotel that, because MPFC stayed there a while back too.

[Lard Bazaar 3,799]

A vicar books into an hotel and says to the receptionist "I trust that the pornography channel on my television is disabled". "Not at all, sir." she replies "It's just regular porn, you sick bastard."

 

You're on the popbitch mailing list too then?

[Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,218]

A female Midget goes to her GP.

"Doctor, you have to help me!!

Everytime I walk I get the most god awful pain in my minge

"The pain is horrendous, its got to the point where I can barely walk."

 

The doctor gestures to the midget to climb up on the couch.

"Could you please bring your knees up to your chest", says the doctor

The Midget duly obliges and watches in fear as the Doctor disappears to her groin for an examination.

After a few minutes the Doctor gets up and goes to fetch some instruments.

As he returns, the midget is now terrified as to what he has discovered.

By now the Midget is beside herself with fear as she watches the Doctor take scissors and scalpel to her nether regions.

After a few minutes the Doctor tells her to get off the couch and stand up.

"Now walk across the floor" says the Doctor.

Tentatively, the Midget takes those first few steps, then some more until she is hopping and skipping across the floor.

"Oh Doctor Thank you!!!" "The pain has gone, you have given me my life back!!!"

"What was wrong with me?"

"Oh nothing" says the Doctor

"I just cut the tops of your wellies off"

 

Boom, Boom.

[honez 79]

I called directory assistance the other day because I wanted the phone number of a mate in Manchester, John Smith.

The operator said "There's more than one John Smith in Manchester. Do you have a street name?"

"Erm, Yeah," I said. "Most people call me Ho nez, bitch. Respect."

[Windsor 2,233]

After the recent storm at the BBC, it has emerged that Jonathan Ross has been receiving nuisance phone calls.

 

Gary Glitter keeps phoning him up to tell him that he shagged his daughter.

[Phantom 2,533]

Mattell have announced that as 2008 was the 40th anniversary of the death of Helen Keller that they are going to release a doll to commemorate this event in time for Christmas.

A spokesman for the company has revealed that you just wind it up and it walks into the wall

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

A few years ago Madonna announced that she really wanted to be British.

 

Now she's a single mum with three kids, all different colours and with different fathers.

 

Sorted then.

[Windsor 2,233]

It is reported that Barack Obama has already had a positive impact on the US economy.

Since elected sales of white sheets and guns have increased 10-fold.

[Typhoid Harry 23]

A guy answers the phone one morning, terribly hung over. His friend says, "Damn, you sound terrible, are you sick?"

"Sort of," says our hung over hero, "I feel like sh*t. I got unbelievably hammered last night. I got soooo drunk, I came home and blew chunks!"

"That doesn't sound so bad, we've all done that." replies the friend.

"No, you don't understand, Chunks is my dog."

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

An old bloke goes to the doctor for a check-up.

"Can you take your trousers and undercrackers off please so I can look at your crown jewels?" The doctor asks.

The bloke does as he is requested.

"I'm afraid you'll have to stop masturbating." Says the concerned doctor.

"Why's that"? The old fella responds.

"Because I'm trying to examine you." she replies.

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

This is really funny.

 

For our American readers, the BNP is a right wing political party, widely understood to be racist. Recently a disgruntled former member leaked their membership list onto the internet, causing problems for many of those outed as members.

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

I was babysitting in Haringey last night.

 

It was back breaking work but someone had to do it!

[Godot 149]

Ghost at Buckingham Palace?

 

A bit hollow says director general.

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

Shannon Matthews commemorative plate.

 

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

why does the transvestite like christmas........because he can eat,drink and be mary

[Terminator 13]

why does the transvestite like christmas........because he can eat,drink and be mary

 

By any chance, has someone peeked into their poundshop Christmas crackers.....?

[Phantom 2,533]

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.

 

To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.

 

The Russians used a pencil.

[themaninblack 2,112]

English cricket team reluctantly return to India after the tourists were hammered by a Mumbai crack IX, 195 all out...