maryportfuncity 10,655 Posted December 12, 2012 I tried having sex with my mum whilst I was drunk last night. She pushed me off and said, "What is wrong with you?" "I'm really sorry," I replied, as I sat on the edge of the bed, "It must be the alcohol." "Either that or you don't fancy me anymore." she said, slapping my flaccid penis. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,219 Posted December 14, 2012 These new 3D TVs are so realistic. I fell asleep whilst watching a Liverpool game and when I woke up my wallet was gone. 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lard Bazaar 3,800 Posted December 14, 2012 These new 3D TVs are so realistic. I fell asleep whilst watching a Liverpool game and when I woke up my wallet was gone. Amazing, I fell asleep while watching Norfolk play Spurs and when I woke up my pet sheep had been raped. 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
charon 4,943 Posted December 14, 2012 These new 3D TVs are so realistic. I fell asleep whilst watching a Liverpool game and when I woke up my wallet was gone. Amazing, I fell asleep while watching Norfolk play Spurs and when I woke up my pet sheep had been raped. Norfolk? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,102 Posted December 14, 2012 These new 3D TVs are so realistic. I fell asleep whilst watching a Liverpool game and when I woke up my wallet was gone. Amazing, I fell asleep while watching Norfolk play Spurs and when I woke up my pet sheep had been raped. Norfolk? Norfolk n chance 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lard Bazaar 3,800 Posted December 14, 2012 These new 3D TVs are so realistic. I fell asleep whilst watching a Liverpool game and when I woke up my wallet was gone. Amazing, I fell asleep while watching Norfolk play Spurs and when I woke up my pet sheep had been raped. Norfolk? Yes, I know Norfolk don't play football (on account of their webbed feet) but LFN will appreciate the sentiments. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,219 Posted December 14, 2012 These new 3D TVs are so realistic. I fell asleep whilst watching a Liverpool game and when I woke up my wallet was gone. Amazing, I fell asleep while watching Norfolk play Spurs and when I woke up my pet sheep had been raped. I dunno whats funnier, the joke or the fact that you think Norfolk is a football team, you dozy bint!! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Dead Cow 620 Posted December 15, 2012 My christmas pick up line Ho Ho Ho! Do you want to see my sack? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,102 Posted December 16, 2012 The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!" The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?" The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that arsehole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said that he didn't have one. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,219 Posted December 16, 2012 I swapped my girlfriends tampons with party poppers. Absolutely no sense of humour that girl...... 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,102 Posted December 18, 2012 I took my dog for a walk this morning. After shitting on somebody's driveway, a man came out of the house and shouted, "I hope you're going to clean that up!!" "Oh fuck off!" I replied, looking at him "Fuck off?" he screamed, "I have to live here, you Scumbag!" "Did you just call me a Scumbag?" I said, as I slowly pulled my trousers back up. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RIP Wee Jum 1,559 Posted December 27, 2012 This is not a joke. More of a statement Americans have started a petition to kick Piers Morgan out of the country. Meanwhile, a counter-campaign has been launched in Britain to refuse to take him back. I hope we can meet the Yanks halfway on this, and put the cunt in the middle of the Atlantic. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
charon 4,943 Posted December 27, 2012 This is not a joke. More of a statement Americans have started a petition to kick Piers Morgan out of the country. Meanwhile, a counter-campaign has been launched in Britain to refuse to take him back. I hope we can meet the Yanks halfway on this, and put the cunt in the middle of the Atlantic. Who? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
themaninblack 2,112 Posted December 27, 2012 I hope everyone had a nice Xmas. Spare a thought for my cousin in Connecticut who works at the refunds desk at Toys R Us... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RIP Wee Jum 1,559 Posted January 4, 2013 I became a father last week. Not much fun being kept awake half the night by a crying child! But Father O'Donnell says, once I've been in the job a year, he'll find me a quieter one... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Banshees Scream 110 Posted January 5, 2013 When someone on TV is speaking a foreign language and you hear the voice of an interpreter that doesn't match. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
time 8,618 Posted January 17, 2013 Some rather bad puns on the Tesco horsemeat 'scandal'. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bibliogryphon 9,588 Posted January 17, 2013 This is not a joke. More of a statement Americans have started a petition to kick Piers Morgan out of the country. Meanwhile, a counter-campaign has been launched in Britain to refuse to take him back. I hope we can meet the Yanks halfway on this, and put the cunt in the middle of the Atlantic. I must admit I think Piers is playing a blinder on this one. My admiration for him has increased by an infinite amount (Any number divided by zero is infinity!). Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,655 Posted January 27, 2013 My Jewish neighbour called at my door today. "Can I borrow your Hoover? There's a bloody big spider in my house," he asked. "Going to kill the bugger?" I laughed. "Not at all," he replied. "But if it's staying in mine it'll earn its fucking keep!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mind Mush 6 Posted February 2, 2013 Jewish cab driver pulled over to the curb and a naked lady jumps in. He turns and looks back and the lady says "What you looking at? Never seen a naked woman before?" The driver (yiddish accent) responds "No that is not it, where I come from God strike me dead to look at naked lady BUT, I'm a business man and I'm thinking, Where does a naked lady keep the money for the ride?" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mind Mush 6 Posted February 2, 2013 (edited) The Rabbi went to the Vatican to visit the Pope and sees a gold phone on his desk, he asks the Pope "For what you have a gold phone on your desk?" the Pope tells him that it is a direct line to God and he can use the phone if he pays the charges. The Rabbi agrees and uses the phone. The Pope returns and hands the Rabbi the Bill. "Oy Vay! $368??" He pays the bill. A year later the Pope visits the Rabbi in Jerusalem and sees the Rabbi has a gold phone so he asks "You have a gold phone too?" The Rabbi explains "Yes, direct line to God, you talk you pay charges", the Pope agrees and uses the phone. The Rabbi returns and hands the Pope the Bill "Gee, only 68 cents?" asks the Pope and the Rabbi responds "For what you expect? It's a LOCAL CALL" Edited February 2, 2013 by Magere Hein New joke topic merged with existing one. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mind Mush 6 Posted February 6, 2013 Dork goes to the doctor.................. Doc: What can I do for you? Dork: Doc my penis is really so small I just can't keep any girlfriends, can you help me out? Doc: Well I have a Baby Elephant Trunk that I can attach down there. Dork: You think it will work? Doc: I'm sure it will be worth a try. I can do it today - Come back and see me in a month - let me know how it works. One Month Later Doc: So how is that working out for ya? Dork: Oh Doc, the ladies are loving it, the women are going crazy, I have so many I can't keep track! Doc: That is great - any problems? Dork: Well Doc, the only problem is that everytime I take a shower and sit down to watch the football game my penis keeps trying to stuff peanuts up my butt. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,655 Posted February 6, 2013 I always found the 80's to be very sexy, Not sure why, probably the gummy blowjobs. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,102 Posted February 8, 2013 Lost my job as a lifeguard yesterday. Apparently refusing a Halibut entry to the pool whilst tapping the "No bombing" sign isn't the done thing. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RIP Wee Jum 1,559 Posted February 9, 2013 I'm hung like a lasagne Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
