A Joke

[Phantom 2,533]

A boy attends confession at his local church

 

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

 

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"...

 

"Yes, Father, it is."

 

"And who was the girl you were with?"

 

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

 

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

 

"I cannot say."

 

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

 

"I'll never tell."

 

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

 

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

 

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

 

"My lips are sealed."

 

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

 

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

 

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

 

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

 

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

[charon 4,943]

What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

 

 

You wouldn't pay £100 to have a lentil on your face.

[Deathray 2,940]

 

What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

 

 

You wouldn't pay £100 to have a lentil on your face.

 

Look, we all have access to sickipedia.

[charon 4,943]

Not been on there in a decade or so...

[Dr. Zorders 1,271]

A guy bursts into his house excitedly and says to his wife "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!"

 

"Well where are we going, somewhere warm or cold? Should I pack light clothes or something heavier?"

 

"Just pack 'em, and fuck off!"

[Guest Guest]

A guy bursts into his house excitedly and says to his wife "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!"

 

"Well where are we going, somewhere warm or cold? Should I pack light clothes or something heavier?"

 

"Just pack 'em, and fuck off!"

 

I don't want to be pedantic but if they were married wouldn't his wife be legally entitled to some of his lottery win?

[Lard Bazaar 3,799]

A guy bursts into his house excitedly and says to his wife "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!"

 

"Well where are we going, somewhere warm or cold? Should I pack light clothes or something heavier?"

 

"Just pack 'em, and fuck off!"

 

I don't want to be pedantic but if they were married wouldn't his wife be legally entitled to some of his lottery win?

 

For a guest, I found this a very amusing post. Well done.

[Perfect Passing 277]

A guy bursts into his house excitedly and says to his wife "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!"

 

"Well where are we going, somewhere warm or cold? Should I pack light clothes or something heavier?"

 

"Just pack 'em, and fuck off!"

 

Very Funny Doc, however,

"1997 was 17 years ago now"

One straight from when the lottery was launched back in 1994 I guess?

 

LOL

[Dr. Zorders 1,271]

A guy bursts into his house excitedly and says to his wife "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!"

 

"Well where are we going, somewhere warm or cold? Should I pack light clothes or something heavier?"

 

"Just pack 'em, and fuck off!"

 

Very Funny Doc, however,

"1997 was 17 years ago now"

One straight from when the lottery was launched back in 1994 I guess?

 

LOL

 

Ooh you got me back there! You were waiting for an excuse to say that back to me weren't you? Have to go all the way back to page 77 for that one.. haha.....

 

And yeah that one reeks a little of oldness but come on so do half the rest of the jokes in this thread!. I won't tell you where I got the joke from but it came from the same source where I first heard that crocodile one that TMIB told so I thought I'd mine that source a little more.

[Perfect Passing 277]

A YORKSHIRE LOVE STORY

 

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.

 

Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.

 

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favourite scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Yorkshire wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

 

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon ......

 

 

 

‘Bugger off!’, she said 'they're for the funeral.'

 

[Dr. Zorders 1,271]

I came across this guy in the woods who had a radio playing some Frank Sinatra while he was shooting badgers.

 

I was like "What the fuck's that about, then?"

 

He said "It's classy cull music."

[Dr. Zorders 1,271]

How does Bob Marley like his donuts?

 

Not at all - he's been dead for over 30 years you ignorant cunt - and besides donuts probably aren't the kind of thing Rastafarians like to eat, they prefer a natural diet rich in fruit and vegetables.

[Dr. Zorders 1,271]

Did you hear Deathray went for a circumcision operation? But the doctor said "I can't operate on this man - there's no end to this prick."

[Perfect Passing 277]

Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Scotland.

 

She said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.

 

The temperature is dropping far below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.

 

Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.

 

She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let the drunken bastard in.

[Perfect Passing 277]

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the clairvoyant delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt.

Prepare yourself to be a widow.

Your wife will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, he stared at the mystic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at his hands.

He took a few deep breaths to compose himself and to stop his mind racing.

He simply had to know.

He met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied his voice and asked,

"Will I be acquitted?"

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

Okay, it's a nick from the Sicki...but:

 

I can't wait to hear Maroon 5's new swing track, "Moves Like Jagger's Girlfriend."

[Bibliogryphon 9,573]

David Moyes has a new job lined up.

 

UKIP have hired him because he is so good at keeping out of Europe.

[Perfect Passing 277]

Three Irishmen having a pint in a pub.

 

One says 'great place this, buy one drink and you get a free packet of crisps with the second!'

 

The second guy says ' There's a pub in my village, where if you buy one drink the second is free'

 

The third guy says 'Well I hear that there is a pub in my village whre if you buy one drink you get the next six free, and after that you can go out the back for a free shag!'

 

The others are incredulous, 'thats amazing' they say, Have you been?

 

Not yet! he says, but my sister has.

 

[Perfect Passing 277]

 

Husband’s SMS:

 

Darling, I've been hit by a car outside the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital.

They have been making tests and taking X-rays.

 

The blow to my head has been very strong but fortunately it seems that did not cause any serious injury.

However, I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate the right foot.

 

Wife’s Response:

 

Who’s Paula?

 

[Dr. Zorders 1,271]

I'm apologising in advance for this one.

 

 

I asked my Dad why there are so many burn marks on the floor.

 

He said "I used to drop a lot of acid".

[maryportfuncity 10,646]

Not exactly a joke but dunno where else to post it.

 

We were discussing at work, what if...the Turkish mining industry wanted to do something about their working conditions, so we exported Arthur Scargill to them?

 

Win/win I'd say.

[time 8,599]

Not exactly a joke but dunno where else to post it.

 

We were discussing at work, what if...the Turkish mining industry wanted to do something about their working conditions, so we exported Arthur Scargill to them?

 

Win/win I'd say.

The Jimmy Savile thread?

[Perfect Passing 277]

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

 

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

 

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

 

Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '

 

The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

 

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

 

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

 

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

 

'Now wot da fock would you say?'

 

[Perfect Passing 277]

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night, when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

 

'This is the 21st century, Dad,' he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers.

 

Here, you can borrow my iPad.'

 

I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...........

 

[Dr. Zorders 1,271]

Last week my new age whacked out hippy uncle came to stay for a few days and he was staying in the spare bedroom, next door to mine. He's into all sorts of bollocks like homeopathy and other crank medicine.

 

Anyway me and him were up at about 6:30AM one morning and we were sitting there at the breakfast table and he was telling me about this theory that he's currently exploring - that simple massages, if applied correctly, regularly, and vigorously, can cure any disease, even the worst ones that are considered incurable - "it's just a simple solution doctors have been overlooking for years", apparently.

 

I said "So you were trying to cure your dick cancer last night were you?"