Dr. Zorders 1,271 Posted October 29, 2014 I picked up a paper hankie and it ran across the table shouting. It said: "Salmon live in trees and eat pencils, David Moyes is the best football boss there ever was and JFK topped himself with an exploding gob stopper." Honestly, it was nowt but a tissue of lies! Eh....... quite awful but still better than a couple of the ones Phantom has posted. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bibliogryphon 9,586 Posted October 29, 2014 I picked up a paper hankie and it ran across the table shouting. It said: "Salmon live in trees and eat pencils, David Moyes is the best football boss there ever was and JFK topped himself with an exploding gob stopper." Honestly, it was nowt but a tissue of lies! Eh....... quite awful but still better than a couple of the ones Phantom has posted. I thought he had been visited by the ghost of Tommy Cooper. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom 2,533 Posted October 29, 2014 My wife was offended when I used the word "vomit" during dinner last night. But that's what her cooking tasted like. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,647 Posted October 29, 2014 A bloke walks out of a Miranda Hart gig. After the gig the bloke's wife goes up to Miranda and says "sorry about my husband wandering out." "It did put me off a bit" says Miranda. "I understand," says the wife, "but after ten years together I've got used to him walking in his sleep." 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RIP Wee Jum 1,559 Posted October 29, 2014 I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been trippin' all day 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dr. Zorders 1,271 Posted October 29, 2014 Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve? There's no dental records and the DNA's all the same. 5 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,102 Posted October 29, 2014 Oscar Pistorius woke up this morning and found that there really was a burglar using his toilet. 7 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
torbrexbones 717 Posted November 18, 2014 Tampax have announced that they will be replacing the string on their tampon with Tinsel, This is for the Christmas Period Only 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
torbrexbones 717 Posted November 18, 2014 The man who wrote "The Hokey-Cokey" died last week, and there was pandemonium at the undertakers. They got his left leg into the coffin, and that's when the trouble started ...... 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
En Passant 3,741 Posted November 21, 2014 The UK's first bus powered by human waste has been involved in a 'near miss' in Bristol earlier today. Accident investigators are examining a huge skid mark left on a bend. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom 2,533 Posted November 26, 2014 A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dr. Zorders 1,271 Posted November 27, 2014 I was in the pub yesterday talking to a sad, middle aged man whose huge debts had driven him so bonkers, he had hit rock bottom and was talking desperate gibberish as he stared down into his 19th glass of Guinness. He said "Maybe if I...... spend all my spare time in the sperm donation clinic......... they........ they pay money don't they? I can make enough money....... by the end of the year I can....... I can pay it all off" I said "oh come on, that's just rubbing your Peter to pay Paul!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RIP Wee Jum 1,559 Posted November 27, 2014 24 Bizarre “Jokes” Submitted by Actual Kids http://twentytwowords.com/kid-jokes-so-bad-theyre-magical/ Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dr. Zorders 1,271 Posted December 1, 2014 What did Mozart and Beethoven do after they died? They decomposed! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom 2,533 Posted December 1, 2014 One-armed waiters. They can take it, but they can't dish it out. 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom 2,533 Posted December 2, 2014 My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers. To be honest, I should have seen the signs. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,102 Posted December 3, 2014 A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part. The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom 2,533 Posted December 16, 2014 The federal government has issued a travel warning due to the cold weather. They suggest that anyone traveling in the current blizzard conditions should make sure they carry the following: - Shovel - Blankets or sleeping bag - Extra clothing including hat and gloves - 24 hours worth of food - De-icer - Rock salt - Flashlight with spare batteries - Road flares or reflective triangles - Full spare gas can - First aid kit - Booster cables I looked like an idiot on the bus this morning 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
torbrexbones 717 Posted December 19, 2014 An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool." 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
torbrexbones 717 Posted December 19, 2014 Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
the_engineer 1,415 Posted December 19, 2014 An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool." Have you been following me? 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom 2,533 Posted December 19, 2014 I saw a man trying to chat up a cheetah the other day. I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one". Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom 2,533 Posted December 19, 2014 Two men were walking through the desert. They were nearly out of water, when they heard the sounds of a bustling market. Not able to believe their good fortune, they hurried over to see if they could get some water. In the first tent they were told, "I'm sorry we only have these delicious desserts with a base of sponge fingers, fruit and jelly, topped with a layer of custard another with whipped cream and then topped with hundreds & thousands." The men were still desperate for water, so they went to the second tent, "WATER! We need Water!" they gasped" Again the reply came back, "I'm sorry we only have these delicious desserts with a base of sponge fingers, fruit and jelly, topped with a layer of custard another with whipped cream and then topped with hundreds & thousands." They went acroos to the third tent and again asked for water only to be told, "I'm sorry we only have these delicious desserts with a base of sponge fingers, fruit and jelly, topped with a layer of custard another with whipped cream and then topped with hundreds & thousands." Disappointed, they decided to leave. As they walked away, one turned to the other and said, "Wow! That was a trifle bazaar." 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,102 Posted December 21, 2014 The inventor of predictive text has died. His funfair will be hello on Sundial. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
the_engineer 1,415 Posted December 22, 2014 Glasgow Police are investigating whether the crash there that killed 6 people was a terrorist attack. The main suspect at the moment is osama bin lorry . Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
