Perfect Passing 277 Posted June 20, 2015 You want a miracle? I'll give you a miracle! According to the Bible, Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Palestine. A country where people are named Mohammad, Abdul, Mounir, Aziz, Ahmed, Farid, Omar, Youssouf, Mouloud, and so on. And yet he managed to find 12 friends called John, Peter, Paul, Phillip, Mark, Thomas, Luke, Matthew, Andrew and Simon... who all drank wine! Now that's what I call a bloody miracle! 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,647 Posted June 24, 2015 and in other news today; a 73 year old grandmother from Maidstone, currently driving through Calais, has just been confirmed as the organiser of a successful world record attempt for the most people crammed in a Mini car at one time. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dr. Zorders 1,271 Posted June 25, 2015 How come no-one ever makes an inspiring movie called Climbing Up, about a guy who comes up with a solution for L.A. traffic congestion, saves various businesses from being robbed/trashed, and makes it to the other side of the city in time to fix things up with his estranged wife at his daughter's birthday party? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Deathray 2,940 Posted June 25, 2015 You want a miracle? I'll give you a miracle! According to the Bible, Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Palestine. A country where people are named Mohammad, Abdul, Mounir, Aziz, Ahmed, Farid, Omar, Youssouf, Mouloud, and so on. And yet he managed to find 12 friends called John, Peter, Paul, Phillip, Mark, Thomas, Luke, Matthew, Andrew and Simon... who all drank wine! Now that's what I call a bloody miracle! Except he didn't: http://www.bibleinfo.com/en/questions/who-were-twelve-disciples read the block text below the list as well Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
torbrexbones 717 Posted June 26, 2015 A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says."For what?"The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute."The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money."The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda -- look it up." She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary.The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary. It says, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom 2,533 Posted June 26, 2015 A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says. "For what?" The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute." The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money." The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda -- look it up." She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary. It says, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves." I always thought the punchline for that one was "Eats shoots and leaves" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
En Passant 3,741 Posted June 28, 2015 A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?' 'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.' 'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said. The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.' The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??' 'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?' 'I can't piss out of it,' he replied 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RadGuy 1,614 Posted June 29, 2015 I was watching the news, something about the Greece crisis. I found out the shocking fact that 20% of WORKING Greeks work in touristry. Wow! That's almost 2% of the population! 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Mad Hatter 1,092 Posted June 29, 2015 I was watching the news, something about the Greece crisis. I found out the shocking fact that 20% of WORKING Greeks work in touristry. Wow! That's almost 2% of the population! I can't stop laughing Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bibliogryphon 9,586 Posted July 1, 2015 Looking forward to the new anime movie about a bloke who breaks into the National Gallery to deface the painting Bacchus and Ariadne. The title of the film is Attack on Titian Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dr. Zorders 1,271 Posted July 3, 2015 Wouldn't it be funny if most MI6 agents were gay teetotallers who always took public transport, despised their secretaries and they'd never had a non-female boss before 1995? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
torbrexbones 717 Posted July 6, 2015 Young lad asks his dad why men have an 'Adam's Apple'. Dad thinks for a minute then tells his son that when Eve conviced Adam it would be alright to take a bite out of the forbidden fruit and Adam took the bite, a powerful voice came from above: "I hope it sticks in your throat" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,647 Posted July 7, 2015 Nazi jokes make me Fuhrerious Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,647 Posted July 10, 2015 There's been a riot at the Civic Centre where a charity pantomime was taking place in aid of paranoid schitzophrenia. Everything was going well until someone in the crowd shouted; "He's behind you!" 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Mad Hatter 1,092 Posted July 10, 2015 I am going on holiday and I am going to my uncle's house in England. My dad was explaining how he doesn't like people messing up his house like I don't like people stealing my nexus. So I said "does he secretly watch porn in his house" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
paulh85 101 Posted July 10, 2015 I went into Clinton cards today. I said to the woman behind the counter, "Do you sell bereavement cards?"She said, "Yes, sir."So I said, "Could I exchange one for this get well soon card I bought yesterday?" 6 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dr. Zorders 1,271 Posted July 11, 2015 It's Wimbledon ladies' final day. Who will be the lesser lezzer? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Peter Cushing Posted July 13, 2015 I am going on holiday and I am going to my uncle's house in England. My dad was explaining how he doesn't like people messing up his house like I don't like people stealing my nexus. So I said "does he secretly watch porn in his house" ?? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,647 Posted July 27, 2015 Absolute scandal in French media today when L'Oreal announced a massively expensive perfume made mainly from the ejaculations of females skilled in finding their G-spot and milking it. Brand name: Eau Fuck! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Deathray 2,940 Posted July 28, 2015 My friend does car porn on long winding country roads, it's push-pull all the way. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bibliogryphon 9,586 Posted August 6, 2015 I just brought a new LCD television. It only shows Jeremy Kyle, The X Factor and Big Brother Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Mad Hatter 1,092 Posted August 6, 2015 I just brought a new LCD television. It only shows Jeremy Kyle, The X Factor and Big Brother I feel sorry for you Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lard Bazaar 3,799 Posted August 6, 2015 I just brought a new LCD television. It only shows Jeremy Kyle, The X Factor and Big Brother I don't get it? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Bearer 6,102 Posted August 6, 2015 I just brought a new LCD television. It only shows Jeremy Kyle, The X Factor and Big Brother I don't get it? Me neither. I'm guessing LCD means lowest common denominator? 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Mad Hatter 1,092 Posted August 6, 2015 I just brought a new LCD television. It only shows Jeremy Kyle, The X Factor and Big Brother I don't get it? Me neither. I'm guessing LCD means lowest common denominator? exactly thankfully you don't have a sister who is into that shit. In my research I have found that lowest common denominator means teenage girls because face it all the watch is crap but in movies and on TV even crap music Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
