A Joke

[Phantom 2,533]

 

 

 

 

 

A king and his court jester were washed up on a desert island. The king sent the jester off to explore the island in search of a woman. A day later the jester returned to report that the island was completely uninhabited.

 

"Nonsense, jester!" the king said. "You must find me a woman!" So the jester set off again, but returned a day later with the same result.

 

"Jester, I cannot survive without a woman!" thundered the king. "Look again!"

 

Sadly, the result of the third search was just the same. And by the end of the week the king was at his wit's end.

Read that three times now and still don't get it.

He who laughs last had the joke explained to him.

Indeed. That, or he just didn't find it very funny.

 

 

Not a "knee slapper".

 

 

I liked it.

 

 

I understood it, didn't find it that amusing and to be honest I've never been much of a knee slapper.

[Phantom 2,533]

Q: How did the tomato court the corn?

A: He whispered sweet nothings into its ear

[The Happy Reaper 223]

What goes wiff-wiff-wiff-wiff........................wiff-wiff-wiff-wiff........................wiff-wiff-wiff-wiff........................wiff-wiff-wiff-wiff........................?

 

 

 

A hurdler wearing corduroy shorts.

[RIP Wee Jum 1,559]

a toothless termite walked into a bar and asked is the bar tender here.

[Dr. Zorders 1,271]

I got arrested for a running over a rap fan at a zebra crossing....

 

But, if he didn't want me to, why did his T-shirt say "Gun it"?

[The Mad Hatter 1,092]

I got arrested for a running over a rap fan at a zebra crossing....

 

But, if he didn't want me to, why did his T-shirt say "Gun it"?

so that's what you were in jail for.

[Dr. Zorders 1,271]

Did you know beer makes you smarter?

 

It made Budd wiser!

[Cat O'Falk 3,290]

Did you know beer makes you smarter?

 

It made Budd wiser!

Brandy makes you randy, whisky makes you frisky, I like ginger beer.

[RIP Wee Jum 1,559]

The Samaritans have set up a special number for disappointed Man United fans to ring if they are feeling depressed after this season. The number is 0800 101010

Thats 0800 won nothing, won nothing won nothing!

[deadsox 894]

 

 

 

 

 

 

A king and his court jester were washed up on a desert island. The king sent the jester off to explore the island in search of a woman. A day later the jester returned to report that the island was completely uninhabited.

 

"Nonsense, jester!" the king said. "You must find me a woman!" So the jester set off again, but returned a day later with the same result.

 

"Jester, I cannot survive without a woman!" thundered the king. "Look again!"

 

Sadly, the result of the third search was just the same. And by the end of the week the king was at his wit's end.

Read that three times now and still don't get it.

He who laughs last had the joke explained to him.

Indeed. That, or he just didn't find it very funny.

 

 

Not a "knee slapper".

 

 

I liked it.

 

 

I understood it, didn't find it that amusing and to be honest I've never been much of a knee slapper.

 

 

Weak in the knees?

[rockhopper penguin 2,265]

The Samaritans have set up a special number for disappointed Man United fans to ring if they are feeling depressed after this season. The number is 0800 101010

Thats 0800 won nothing, won nothing won nothing!

I think you have a wrong number there friend. you should be using 0800 111 1999.

[RIP Wee Jum 1,559]

Kammy tries a bit of stand up

 

https://www.facebook.com/SoccerAM/videos/1153538591336440/

[Scraggy Taters 290]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A king and his court jester were washed up on a desert island. The king sent the jester off to explore the island in search of a woman. A day later the jester returned to report that the island was completely uninhabited.

 

"Nonsense, jester!" the king said. "You must find me a woman!" So the jester set off again, but returned a day later with the same result.

 

"Jester, I cannot survive without a woman!" thundered the king. "Look again!"

 

Sadly, the result of the third search was just the same. And by the end of the week the king was at his wit's end.

Read that three times now and still don't get it.

He who laughs last had the joke explained to him.

Indeed. That, or he just didn't find it very funny.

 

 

Not a "knee slapper".

 

 

I liked it.

 

 

I understood it, didn't find it that amusing and to be honest I've never been much of a knee slapper.

 

 

Weak in the knees?

 

No, that's rheumatoid arthritis.

[Scraggy Taters 290]

I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite.

 

One jar.

[Lard Bazaar 3,799]

One of my dad's favourite jokes that he used to always say when we were small, which is COMPLETELY UNRELATED to any of the other threads I have commented on today.

 

 

Paddy 'Is Elton John his real name?'

 

Mick 'Is Elton John who's real name?'

[Phantom 2,533]

I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite.

 

One jar.

 

I thought that was a lifetime supply. Runner-up prize is for 2 jars of Marmite.

[The Happy Reaper 223]

Mick and Paddy are in Canada when they see a notice reading TREE FELLERS WANTED.

 

Mick says, "If only Murphy was with us we could have applied for that!"

[Phantom 2,533]

Mick and Paddy are in Canada when they see a notice reading TREE FELLERS WANTED.

 

Mick says, "If only Murphy was with us we could have applied for that!"

 

I'm stealing that one

[rockhopper penguin 2,265]

 

 

I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite.

 

 

 

One jar.

I thought that was a lifetime supply. Runner-up prize is for 2 jars of Marmite.

Reminds me of :

Fairy to lower level intelligence stereotype of choice.

F: You have 2 wishes, What's your first?

LLISOC: I'll have a bottle of whisky that never empties.

F:There you go

LLISOC takes drink, bottle refills.

F: What's your second Wish?

LLISOC:This is fantastic, I'll have another bottle of this.

[Deathray 2,940]

I went to an appointment with the doctors regarding my IBS the other day, I left because he wouldn't stop talking shit.

 

I went an appointment with another doctor screening for testicular cancer, I left because he wouldn't stop talking bollocks.

 

I met my wife from an appointment with her gynecologist the other day, he must have been a right bastard because she wouldn't stop talking about a cunt when she came out.

 

(Think this might be reliant on how you say the word her)

[Toast 16,137]

A man went to the doctor for a full medical examination.

The doctor said to him, "You'll have to stop masturbating."

The man said, "Why?"

The doctor said, "Because I'm trying to conduct a full medical examination."

[RIP Wee Jum 1,559]

My friend has been found guilty of overusing commas.

The judge warned him to expect a very long sentence.

[RIP Wee Jum 1,559]

I was working in Tesco last night when I bumped into a lady I just started dating. I was re-arranging the washing powder in aisle 7 when she said " you told me you was a stunt pilot you lying bar-stool"
To which I replied "No....I told you I was part of the Ariel display team"

[Phantom 2,533]

There is an email going around offering processed pork, gelatin, and salt in a can.

 

If you get this, please do not open it. It's Spam.

[The Happy Reaper 223]

The other day I was walking through a public park in Dublin when I came across two workmen. One was digging a small hole about a foot deep, while the other one stood and watched him. When the first man had finished, the second waited about thirty seconds then filled in the hole again. Then the two of them moved about ten yards away and repeated the whole process.

 

After they had done this four or five times I couldn't contain my curiosity any longer so I asked them what they were up to.

 

"Well, you see," said one, "we normally work with Murphy but he's off sick with a bad back. He's the one who plants the trees."