Dr_T 254 Posted July 9, 2019 A man and a woman meet in a bar and once they get talking they realise that they are both divorced. "So what made you divorce?" the woman asks the man. "I was a bit too kinky for my wife," he replied. "What about you?" "Same, I was too kinky for my husband." They exchanged a knowing look and she said "I live just around the corner, would you like to come back to mine for a while?" They got back to her place and she says, "Excuse me while I change into something a little less comfortable." She came back a few minutes later in full leathers, mask, with a whip, chains and handcuffs. The whole shebang. Just as she got there he was heading for the door. "Where are you going?" she asked. "Well I've fucked your dog and shat in your handbag so I'm kinda done." 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bladan 293 Posted July 9, 2019 Prime Minister of Finland Ahti Karjalainen was visiting Kenya back in 1971, and naturally his hosts took him on a safari. They drove for miles on a rattling jeep, and finally encountered an elephant. Dr Karjalainen pointed at it with his finger, and remarked: 'Tankero!' His main host, the local foreign minister, smiled heartily, and nodded in agreement not to offend his guest. They kept on going, and crossed a small river. There were some hippos bathing in the water, and Dr Karjalainen pointed at them saying again: 'Tankero!'. The local host laughed a bit, and agreed: 'Yes, yes', but was getting seemingly confused at the same time. The sun was getting close to the horizon, and pretty soon they had to get going back to town. While they were returning on their tracks, they suddenly noticed a lion laying down in the high grass. 'Tankero!' was Dr Karjalainen's remark again. Now the African minister, puzzled, turned to the Finnish PM's aide, and asked: 'What is he trying to say?' 'You'll see soon' was the humble reply, and while they were crossing back through the park's entrance gate they noticed a big sign with a warning: 'All animals are dangerous.' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bladan 293 Posted July 15, 2019 Why did dinosaurs become extinct? They had Dinorexia nervosa Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bladan 293 Posted July 21, 2019 What did the leper say to Mary Magdalene? "You can keep it" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,647 Posted July 25, 2019 I was in the park today when a woman came up to me and said, "Are you taking photos of my daughter on your iPhone?" "Yes I'm taking photos of her," I replied, "But it's not what you think." "So what is it then?" she asked. I said, "A Samsung Galaxy." 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,647 Posted July 30, 2019 I was once charged with leaving the scene of an accident. It wasn't on purpose, I just didn't have my seatbelt on. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
torbrexbones 717 Posted July 31, 2019 How do you stop a galloping horse? Put ten bob on it to win. (I should really update that to reflect modern jargon but Andy Capp would get upset) 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,647 Posted July 31, 2019 Knock Knock Whose there? Grandad QUICK, STOP THE CREMATION! 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sir Creep 7,070 Posted August 13, 2019 Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger." 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bladan 293 Posted August 13, 2019 Why wasn't a necrophile allowed to board the flight? He had too much hand luggage Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bladan 293 Posted August 13, 2019 How do Russian nuclear engineers keep fit? They play Cherno-ball 666 dumb posts !! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TQR 14,398 Posted August 13, 2019 2 hours ago, bladan said: How do Russian nuclear engineers keep fit? They play Cherno-ball 666 dumb posts !! Ukrainian, perhaps? 'NAMBLA genius' my hairy bollocks. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,647 Posted August 14, 2019 One of the best jokes at the Edinburgh Festival, apparently Catherine Bohart: I suppose lesbian sex is a bit like cricket, in that it goes on for ever and there are a lot of men watching it at home, alone, on the internet. Link to this and nine others: https://www.theguardian.com/stage/2019/aug/13/edinburgh-festival-2019-the-10-best-jokes?fbclid=IwAR08AsCL-yc7yJ8-Kypp_ENgl35azuHynXsqopajaPqRtcDrSmBjvjztFOo Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bladan 293 Posted August 15, 2019 What is the favourite drink among vampires who are also specialists in Renaissance art? Virgin on the rocks Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bladan 293 Posted August 15, 2019 How did Gargamel manage to destroy the Smurfs? He came out of the blue Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bladan 293 Posted August 15, 2019 What did Jesus say after winning a joke contest? "For my joke is easy, and my burden is light." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dr_T 254 Posted August 16, 2019 6 hours ago, bladan said: How did Gargamel manage to destroy the Smurfs? He came out of the blue Perhaps better if.... Why didn't Smurfette expect Papa Smurf to ejaculate on her face. Cause it came out of the blue! By the way did you hear about the porno actress who wouldn't let her co-stars cum on her face. Eventually after many arguments she just took it on the chin. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bladan 293 Posted August 16, 2019 12 hours ago, Dr_T said: Perhaps better if.... Why didn't Smurfette expect Papa Smurf to ejaculate on her face. Cause it came out of the blue! By the way did you hear about the porno actress who wouldn't let her co-stars cum on her face. Eventually after many arguments she just took it on the chin. So Papa Smurf is a sex guru. I'm worried about Smurfette. Gargamel is obviously a good guy who is trying to save her from a sex cult Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,647 Posted August 16, 2019 I have just been diagnosed with ADHD. Apparently, this condition can lie dormant in oh look a squirrel! 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Cat O'Falk 3,290 Posted August 19, 2019 The top 10 jokes at this year's Edinburgh Fringe: Olaf Falafel I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have Florets. Richard Stott Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy." Milton Jones What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh. Jake Lambert A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. That's 20 cows'. Ross Smith A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it. Ross Smith Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning. Adele Cliff I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it. Richard Pulsford After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging. Mark Simmons To be or not to be a horse rider, that is equestrian. Ivo Graham I've got an Eton-themed Advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Toast 16,141 Posted August 19, 2019 2 minutes ago, Cat O'Falk said: The top 10 jokes at this year's Edinburgh Fringe: Olaf Falafel I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have Florets. Richard Stott Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy." Milton Jones What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh. Jake Lambert A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. That's 20 cows'. Ross Smith A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it. Ross Smith Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning. Adele Cliff I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it. Richard Pulsford After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging. Mark Simmons To be or not to be a horse rider, that is equestrian. Ivo Graham I've got an Eton-themed Advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts. Most of these are great, but I would have put the winner in 10th place. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
the_engineer 1,415 Posted August 19, 2019 2 and 6 are my favourite. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bibliogryphon 9,586 Posted August 19, 2019 I like number 4 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RIP Wee Jum 1,559 Posted August 19, 2019 Not sure if this has been posted before How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces? These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! _______________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral... _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.:)# 6 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
En Passant 3,741 Posted August 19, 2019 Ok, so it's american in origin. Sue me. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
