in eternum+ 22 Posted January 21, 2006 My wife went to Jamaica.oh -S**t. There appears to have been a recent spate of people not understanding other peoples' jokes on this thread. I must admit that I don't get this one. It's either me, Himler, or the Chambord. Shall lay fault with Himler on this occassion. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Banshees Scream 110 Posted January 21, 2006 My wife went to Jamaica.oh -S**t. Looks like another lost soul looking for guidance. Only if my old thread still existed. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Captain Oates 21 Posted January 21, 2006 My wife went to Jamaica.oh -S**t. Perhaps just a trifle over-subtle for the late night audience! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
in eternum+ 22 Posted January 21, 2006 My wife went to Jamaica.oh -S**t. Perhaps just a trifle over-subtle for the late night audience! Okay. I still don't get it, but shall withdraw my Himlerian accusation and blame the Chambord instead. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Cowboy Ronnie 78 Posted January 23, 2006 needs sound http://www.youtube.com/watch.php?v=zLElfJ9YCh0 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Brinsworth House Baiter 12 Posted January 23, 2006 Okay, it's an oldie, but I love it & I heard it again today for the first time in ages- A Mother Superior & a nun are driving along a quiet country lane one night when, out of the blue, a snarling vampire jumps on their bonnet. "Beep your horn, Sister, that will get rid of him," Mother Superior tells the nun. The nun beeps the horn, but the vampire stays on the bonnet. "Okay, turn on the windscreen wipers, that might work," Mother Superior says, but still the vampiric fiend holds firm. "Try swerving from side to side," Mother Superior suggests, fiddling nervously with her rosary beads. The nun jerks the car all over the road, but can't shake the vampire off. "Right, this is the last resort, Sister," says the Mother Superior, "show him your cross." "Okay," nods the nun, winding down the side window & poking her head out. "GET THE F**k OFF THE f*****g CAR, YOU MOTHERF***ING C**T!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dr Hackenslash 25 Posted January 23, 2006 I tried to enter a marathon the other day. It took me weeks to get the peanuts out from under my foreskin. (Ok, they might have been called Snickers for the past 15 years, but that's not my fault) 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Die 63 Posted January 24, 2006 A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in Mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man". That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days". Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!" The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police.... " MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever and evil. Don't mess with them. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
honez 79 Posted January 24, 2006 Mateship for women. A woman didn't make it home until the morning after a big night out. She told her husband that she stayed over at a girlfriend's place because she was too drunk to drive. Deeply suspicious, her husband telephoned ten of her best friends. Not one of them backed her version of the story. Mateship for blokes. A man didn't make it home until the morning after a big night out. He told his wife that he stayed over at a mate's place because he was blind rotten drunk. Deeply suspicious, his wife telephoned ten of his mates. Eight of them swore he'd slept on the couch, and two of them said he was still there. That's what mates are for. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Die 63 Posted January 26, 2006 A British Airways passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers: "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines." he said, "I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground" She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up bitch." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dr Hackenslash 25 Posted January 26, 2006 It might be highly inappropriate, but here goes. "Q. What do Charles Kennedy and Mark Oaten have in common? A. They both liked to spend their evenings getting S**t-faced." But, before the lawyers get involved, Charlie K has never put hamsters up his arse, wheras Mr Oaten... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom 2,533 Posted January 27, 2006 Q: How many children with attention-deficit disorder does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Let's ride bikes! 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Die 63 Posted January 27, 2006 Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit... Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant. Stuart: - No way - he's a geologist. Dave: - He ain't no geologist ! A geologist wouldn't come in here! The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder... Dave: - Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living? Suit: - No offence taken ! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession! Dave: - Oh ! What's that then ? Suit: - I'll try to explain by example. Do you have a goldfish at home? Dave: - Er, mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens! Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it? Dave: - It's in a pond! Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then? Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden! Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house? Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself! Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children. Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis? Dave: - Yep! Four nights a week! Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often? Dave: - Me? Never Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work! Dave: - How's that then? Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life! Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate! Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate. Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does? Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist! Stuart: - What's that then? Dave:- I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish? Stuart: - Nope Dave: - Well then, you're a W**ker. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
I see dead people 0 Posted January 27, 2006 A Joke Thread is not complete without Tommy Cooperisms...............although this might be distinctly British humour. 1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..." 2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." 3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,"No, the steaks are too high." 5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. 6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off". 7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle. 8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak & heat it. 9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. 10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it." 11. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual." 12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy" 13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start." 14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom! 15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.' 17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad... Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu... But I think it's Colin. 18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!" 19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. 20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice." 21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more" 22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Four Horsemen 26 Posted January 27, 2006 They look remarkably similar to a Tim Vine routine that appears on email every so often - still, worth a chuckle or two......... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Die 63 Posted February 2, 2006 Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying flowers. The Redhead sighs and says: "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again." The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?" The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air." The blonde says: .........."Don't you have a vase?" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maryportfuncity 10,646 Posted February 2, 2006 A bloke arrives in the pub hours later than expected. 'Where you been?' says the barman. 'I couldn't get here sooner,' says the bloke, 'We had a blackout down our street.' 'Is it okay now?' says the barman. 'Oh yeah,' says the bloke, 'the police came and arrested him.' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Himler Posted February 3, 2006 Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
One shot Paddy 1,206 Posted February 3, 2006 Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Swiss Alps, are a French guy an American guy, an old Greek lady and a young blonde Swiss girl. The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Frenchman has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks. The old lady thinks: The Frenchman must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek. The blonde thinks: That Frenchman must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek. The Frenchman thinks: The American must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead. The American thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack that Frenchman again. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
One shot Paddy 1,206 Posted February 3, 2006 As a trucker in Essex stops for a red light, a blonde in her car pulls up alongside. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Sharon, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Tony and I'm driving a f**king gritter!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Handrejka 1,904 Posted February 3, 2006 Time for some Manx "jokes" I reckon Q:How many Manxmen does it take to change a lightbulb A: There's no need for change yessir Q: What's Manx for girlfriend A: Sister Q: What's the definition of a virgin in Peel? A: Someone who can run faster than her brothers Q: What does a Peel girl use for protection during sex A: A bus shelter Q: Why couldn't Jesus have been born in Peel A: They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin Jesus was wandering around the Isle of Man when an old Manx man spots him "Not from round here are you yessir" Jesus "No I'm from across" ( Only a Manx dweller would get that) Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Nuclear Nick 0 Posted February 3, 2006 To add to the Manx jokes: What does everyone sing at Isle of Man karaoke? Don't Let My Son Go Down On Me. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Himler Posted February 3, 2006 Goebbels was touring German schools. At one, he asked the students to call out patriotic slogans. "Heil Hitler," shouted one child. "Very good," said Goebbels. "Deutschland über alles," another called out. "Excellent. How about a stronger slogan?" A hand shot up, and Goebbels nodded. "Our people shall live forever," the little boy said. "Wonderful," exclaimed Goebbels. "What is your name, young man?" "Israel Goldberg." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
M Busby Airlines 7 Posted February 3, 2006 A teenager asks her father, Dad can I have a tenner to go to the cinema?Yes darling if you give me a BJ.No Dad thats disgusting!No BJ no cinema says Dad.After protracted discussion she agrees.Afterwards as she collected her money she says Dad,your dick tastes of s**t!Dad replies ,Yeah,your brother wanted to go to the cinema too!! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Canadian Paul 97 Posted February 3, 2006 As a trucker in Essex stops for a red light, a blonde in her car pulls upalongside. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Sharon, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Tony and I'm driving a f**king gritter!" I've heard this joke before, but I forget the punchline... what is a gritter in American/Canadian? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
