A Joke

[Guest Guest]

is this a politically correct version, or is it just because I'm from England that these jokes always had the Irishman as the butt of the jokes when I was a kid? Either way, it's fair enough.

 

In order to remain equally derogatory, I tend to rotate the nationalities each time I tell jokes of this type. ( (I'm from the good ole' UK too.)

[Six 23]

is this a politically correct version, or is it just because I'm from England that these jokes always had the Irishman as the butt of the jokes when I was a kid? Either way, it's fair enough.

 

In order to remain equally derogatory, I tend to rotate the nationalities each time I tell jokes of this type. ( (I'm from the good ole' UK too.)

 

Oh pooh. Forgot to log in.

[TLC 9]

Has anyone heard the one about the Englishman, the Scotsman and the Irishman and the magic cliff?

I may be the only one who hasn't, but I'd be delighted if you could share. I have just got my tenterhooks from the cupboard and will shortly be 'on' them; so the sooner the better for me as far as the joke is concerned, having just checked what being on tenterhooks meant originally....

[Windsor 2,233]

Well, an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were out mountain climing when suddenly they found themselves at the edge of a rather high cliff. Out of nowhere a magical man says, "You three wise men have found my magical cliff. If you jump over the cliff and shout what you wish to land in, it will be done". The three men looked at each other in amazement and decide to go a head.

The englishman went first. He jumped off the cliff and shouted, "Gold". Sure enough, he landed in a sea of gold coins.

The Scotsman followed. He jumped off the cliff and shouted, "Beautiful Women". Sure enough he landed in a bed full of beautiful women.

The Irishman looked on, he was afraid of heights. When he looked over the edge and saw the other two enjoying their wishes, he decided to go through with it.

The Irishman approached the edge cautiously until he finally slid off the edge when he screamed, " Shiiiiiiiiiite!!

[Tuber Mirum 125]

A man meets his mate in the pub and asks:

 

"Have you heard about the brilliant new brothel in town?"

 

"No, what's so good about it then?"

 

"Well, you go in there and you can drink as much as you want for free, then there's a sumptuous buffet where you can help yourself for free, and then whenever you feel like it, you can go upstairs and have as much wild sex as you like, then when you go home they give you 200 quid to take with you."

 

"Hey" replies his mate, "that sounds bloody brilliant! Have you been there yourself yet?"

 

"No no, not yet, but my wife was there yesterday."

[Banshees Scream 110]

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. I started taking this new SPAM pill, and last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice.

 

The priest said: "Well my son, when was the last time you were in confession?" "Never Father, I'm Jewish. So then, why are you telling me?" "Because I'm telling everybody!

[Tuber Mirum 125]

.........snip....

The Irishman approached the edge cautiously until he finally slid off the edge when he screamed, " Shiiiiiiiiiite!!

And sure enough, he landed in a big pile of Shiites.

 

 

[beebee 1]

an native americian (politicly correct for "indian") once went to africa on a hunting trip, leaving his 3 wives at home.

 

the first day, he shot a tiger and skinned it. then he recieved a phone call, one of his wives had had a fine baby boy. so he sent the tiger skin to her as a gift.

 

the second day, he shot a lion and skinned it. as luck would have it, his second wife gave birth to a bouncing baby boy. and he sent the lion skin to her.

 

on the third day, he shot a hippopotamus and skinned it. then, his third wife called and told him she had just born a set of twin boys. off went the hippo skin to her.

 

thus proving that the sons of the squaw of the hippoptamus hide are equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

 

[Six 23]

... thus proving that the sons of the squaw of the hippoptamus hide are equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

 

 

[maryportfuncity 10,616]

The BNP have just bought the rights to the old television series Roots, they plan to show it backwards so it has a happy ending!

[Lady Die 63]

Finally sick of the stress, Tom quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

 

After six months or so, of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

 

"Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 19:00."

 

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

 

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'."

 

"Not a problem" says Tom.. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

 

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

 

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks again."

 

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

 

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea , "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

 

"Don't much matter . Just gonna be the two of us."

[Paul Bearer 6,093]

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.

 

 

 

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; May I help you?"

 

Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

 

Operator: "What sort of trouble??"

 

Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

 

Operator: "Went away?"

 

Caller: "They disappeared."

 

Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

 

Caller: "Nothing."

 

Operator: "Nothing??"

 

Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

 

Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"

 

Caller: "How do I tell?"

 

Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"

 

Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"

 

Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

 

Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

 

Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"

 

Caller: "What's a monitor?"

 

Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.

 

Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"

 

Caller: "I don't know."

 

Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the

 

power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"

 

Caller: "Yes, I think so."

 

Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged

 

into the wall.

 

Caller: "Yes, it is."

 

Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were

 

two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"

 

Caller: "No."

 

Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find

 

the other cable."

 

Caller: "Okay, here it is."

 

Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the

 

back of your computer."

 

Caller: "I can't reach."

 

Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"

 

Caller: "No."

 

Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way

 

over??"

 

Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

 

Operator: "Dark??"

 

Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

 

Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."

 

Caller: "I can't."

 

Operator: "No? Why not??"

 

Caller: "Because there's a power failure."

 

Operator: "A power...................................... A power failure?

 

Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals

 

and packing stuff your computer came in??"

 

Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

 

Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just

 

like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

 

Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"

 

Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

 

Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"

 

Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a computer"!

[Paul Bearer 6,093]

Don't know if this ones been cracked yet, apologies in advance if it has.......

 

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said,

"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one

wish."

 

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take!

I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."

 

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish

that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside,

what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they

cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman

truly happy."

 

 

The Lord replied, "Do you want lights on that bridge?"

[Paul Bearer 6,093]

Last one for tonight, (honestly)

 

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream,

 

"Where did you get that car?"

 

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

 

"With what money?" demanded his parents.

 

We know what a Porsche costs.."

 

"Well," said the! boy, "this one cost me fifteen pounds."

 

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen pounds?" they asked.

 

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. don't know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen pounds."

 

"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

 

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen pounds and demanded to know why she did it.

 

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

 

 

 

(Are women good or what?)

[Tuber Mirum 125]

(Are women good or what?)

Well you would say that wouldn't you Heaven?

[Lady Die 63]

How Moses got the 10 commandments....

 

God went to the Arabs and said,

"I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.

The Arabs asked,

"What are Commandments?"

And the Lord said,

"They are rules for living."

Can you give us an example?"

"Thou shall not kill."

"Not kill?

We're not interested."

 

God went to the Blacks and said,

"I have Commandments."

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and

Mother."

"Father?

We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested."

 

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."

The Mexicans asked for an example, and the Lord said "Thou shall not

steal."

"Not steal?

We're not interested."

 

Then He went to the French and said,

"I have Commandments."

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shall not

commit adultery."

"Not commit adultery?

We're not interested."

 

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."

"Commandments?"

They said, "How much are they?"

"They're free."

"We'll take 10."

 

That ought to offend just about everybody.

[Phantom 2,530]

The old priest is trying to show the new priest how to handle confessionals. After explaining the drill, he allows the younster to "sit in" for a while to get the hang of it.

 

Finally the day comes when the new lad is allowed to handle the confessions on his own and he manages to give out suitable pennances to a few sinners but is not sure how to handle a man who comes in to confess he's stolen a load of scotch.

 

Leaving the man to ponder his sin, the priest nips out for advice from his more experienced colleague, "What should I give for a case of stolen whiskey?", he asks, and the old priest replies "I usually offer twenty quid"

[Captain Oates 21]

How do you put an elephant in the fridge?

Open the door, and put him in.

 

How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?

Open the door, get the elephant out, put the giraffe in and close the door

 

There was a party, in which all animals participated save one - which animal was it?

The giraffe. It's in the fridge.

 

As you are going home to let the giraffe out of the fridge, you come to a river in Africa.

There is a sign that says, "DANGER - ALLIGATORS." There is no boat, and no bridge. How do you get across?

Just swim across. The alligators are all at the party.

 

 

 

P.S. Admins, is there an option on the new software to have

 

added to our editing tools?

[Phantom 2,530]

Q. How many elephants can you fit in a mini?

A. Four - two in the front, two in the back

 

Q. How do you know when there's an elephant in your fridge?

A. There's a footprint in the butter

 

Q. How do you know when there are two elephants in your fridge?

A. Two footprints in the butter

 

Q. How do you know when there are three elephants in your fridge?

A. Three footprints in the butter

 

Q. How do you know when there are four elephants in your fridge?

A. There's a mini parked outside

[maryportfuncity 10,616]

What's grey and comes in pints?

 

An elephant.

[Slave to the Grave 26]

Q. How do you know when there's an elephant in bed with you?

 

A. By the smell of peanuts and the E embroidered on his pyjamas.

[Brinsworth House Baiter 12]

Two queer cowboys:

 

One said yup.

 

The other said yep.

 

 

 

 

Sorry, but at least it wasn't another elephant joke, tsk....

[Six 23]

George Bush.

[maryportfuncity 10,616]

Two queer cowboys:

 

One said yup.

 

The other said yep.

 

No, no, no!

 

One sez: 'Y'up?'

 

the other sez: 'Yup!'

[Banshees Scream 110]

5 guys are waiting for there dealer to show.

 

Only 3 guys can go to meet him - otherwise he may feel like he's getting jumped.

 

The buyer and "Jay's" best friend' are about to go

 

2 of the guys decide to stay back but there is a confrontation between the other 2.

 

One of them happens to be slighty disabled having 2 disorders.

 

The opposite guy is picked and the guy "AJ" with the disorders throws a fit.

 

He wanted to meet Jay because he feels in the future he may really get hooked up!

 

He then says F**k Jay. I could get better deals...

 

Jays best friend "Chris" speaking in a fair way says well if you can go ahead?

 

Chris repeats this several times and AJ finally says starts cursing at Chris

 

Since he often brags about smoking with Jay and being around so much "Magic"

 

AJ calls him a fagget and says to go F**k Jay

 

AJ storms out of the house and leaves the party.

 

Everybody laughed and knew that wasn't true. That AJ flipped because he couldn't get his way.

 

Chris has a grin but then slowly whispers to the buyer - Well so what if I F**k Jay?

 

Atleast I get more ass then AJ does.